Worth A Look: 27.5%
Pretty Bad: 5%
Total Crap: 5%
1 review, 34 user ratings
|My Bloody Valentine (1981)
by Scott Weinberg
My buddy Dave and I were discussing if we should review My Bloody Valentine, and I realized that the conversation he and I were having was already more of a review than it deserved. Here's the transcripts, edited to take out all the lols and brbs. If it seems that "not a lot of work" went into this review, well we're talking about a generic Friday the 13th clone with a Valentine's theme. There, happy?S: I can't review My Bloody Valentine. There's not enough there.
"A crappy horror movie gets a review better than it deserves. Two, actually!"
DH: Why's that?
S: It's too flimsy. I'll do it eventually.
DH: You can leave it for me... I actually liked that damn thing... along with some other cheesy stuff.
S: I remember liking it too, but all I remember is a valentine box with a heart in it, a party, a pick-ax, and a guy in a gas mask rubbing some girl's knockers.
DH: hmmm... I would definitely have to watch it again... I remember another part with them playing the game with the knife in between your fingers and the guy stabs his finger or something.
S: Any good gore or nudity that you can recall?
DH: Not really... just the heart thing you mentioned. I know the killer was a guy dressed like a miner.
S: I remember there being sex with miners, which was legal in 1981.
DH: At least this beats the hell out of Sleepaway Camp... I hated that movie with a burning passion.
S: There was a penis at the end of Sleepaway Camp. That's a good enough reason to hate it.
DH: I would say My Bloody Valentine was average for most fans of cheesy 1980's horror movies...It's Canadian...The place where the murders take place is called Valentine Bluffs, which is clever...good camera work.
S: I just like slasher flicks.
---So a few years later, I was asked to review the movie on DVD! Here goes:
Often mentioned in the same breath as longtime slasher favorites like Friday the 13th and Halloween, the 1981 Canadian effort My Bloody Valentine earns a few high marks for some effectively gruesome moments of gore but very little else. Obviously patched together to cash in on the early ‘body count’ craze, this one’s nothing more than a few nasty dispatches surrounded by 80 minutes of poorly-acted yap.
Valentine Bluffs is a sleepy little town with an unsavory secret: a horrible mining accident twenty years earlier claimed the lives of four poor souls and spawned a psychopathic lunatic out for revenge. Though the murderer has long since been remanded to an insane asylum, it seems that the bloodthirsty freak has come back for revenge.
Ignoring the police chief’s direct instructions, a collection of horny young miners decide to overlook the growing pile of corpses and throw a Valentine’s bash deep…in local coal mine. Genius, eh?
To detail any more plot description would be to imply that this movie has any more plot to speak of. Suffice to say that there’s a whole lot of pseudo-soap opera dialogue to fill the time in between the skewerings. Each of the soon-dead dummies has an equally inane female counterpart, all of whom are about to end up on the receiving end of a pickaxe.
Despite a few enjoyably goopy moments (most of which involve dismembered human hearts), nothing about My Bloody Valentine rises above your typical Friday the 13th knockoff. It’s not an altogether awful entry and it’s one that may please fans of old-time slasher tales but there’s very little here to get excited about. (Maybe if Paramount one day reinstates the missing gore footage I could generate a little more excitement.)So there you have it. The world's first Instant Messenger movie review. It would have probably been better if Dave had known that I was gonna do this ahead of time, but that's his problem. Basically, if you've already seen My Bloody Valentine, great, you don't ever need to again. If you haven't, maybe you have a life, after all.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=3137&reviewer=128
originally posted: 11/16/99 15:09:07