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Overall Rating

Awesome: 18.18%
Worth A Look: 0%
Average: 18.18%
Pretty Bad: 9.09%
Total Crap54.55%

1 review, 5 user ratings

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by Justin Helmer

"Every woman wants a 13 inch man..."
1 stars

There are movies that come along from time to time that touch you, just touch you way down on a very personal and basic ways. Themes so universal, stories so epic, that can’t help but become a part of our collective memory. Dollman is not one of those movies. As a matter of fact Dollman does not have much in common with any of those movies. Try to imagine for just a second “Stewart Little” redone with a tiny third-rate Clint Eastwood. Yep it’s just that bad…

Full Moon Productions (The good folks who brought you “Demonic Toys” and the classic “Puppet Master” movies) didn’t really need to put its name on this one. Everything about it screams ‘Troma’ though most of the Troma movies have much more sense of humor about themselves. Being as they are, the inheritors of Roger Corman’s filmed legacy, it really isn’t any surprise that sometimes the movies come off very well. And then there are the other times, like now for instance, where we get horrible train wrecks captured on film.

Tim Thomerson stars as the titular thirteen-inch hero. He plays Brick Bardo the toughest cop on the planet Arturus. A man so badass, that even when he is doing his laundry, he can’t help but bring in the bad guys. When his arch-nemesis Sprug escapes his grasp and flees the dimension Bardo naturally follows him, crash landing in the Bronx.

Sprug is an evil severed head, (ooh…very science fiction) who, of course begins to take over the toughest gang in the area. It pretty clear that they spent the entire effects budget on making the head float the first time he is on screen. In every other appearance he is either on or in something, which gives the whole thing a real ‘Rotary club haunted house’ feeling.

Once Sprug and Bardo are stuck on earth, they are both shrunk down to tiny little versions of themselves. Granted, Sprug isn’t that tall to begin with, still he’s an evil severed head so he is not to be messed with. However it doesn’t really matter all that much, because once that bit of set up is taken care of, the movie changes focus suddenly to a single mother trying to clean up the Bronx. This transition is made using what has to be one of the longest series of establishing shots I have ever been privileged to see. It feels like they just had this footage lying around and included it just to get the seventy-nine minute running time.

This is also the place where the movie makes the biggest of it’s many missteps. It would have been one thing if it had been just a bad science fiction actioner, but then out of nowhere this movie decides to develop a social agenda. Making half-hearted grasps at respectability was something that we really could have done with out. If you are going to be a shitty movie, at least embrace your shitty status, and be comfortable with it.

Eventually the gang leader kills Sprug and takes from him a dimensional bomb. Said bomb looks an awful lot like transistors from one of those build your own radio kits. While I’m on the subject of the subject…please let them stop using ‘sci-fi’ sounding words just to use them. The bomb apparently will throw anything within two parsecs into another dimension. I didn’t know exactly what a parsec was, but that didn’t sound right. I did some checking and discovered that two parsecs is equal to 3.26 light years, or a distance of around 5.88 TRILLION miles. Clearly the writer just heard the term used in an episode of “Star Trek” and jus though it sounded cool. It’s not really that big a deal, but when your movie is that bad to begin with that kind of laziness is just a bad idea.

Of course it just ends up with shooting and exploding which brings me to some things I learned from watching Dollman:

·Guns on the planet Arturus can fire up to 28 shots (I counted) without reloading.

·Gang members in NY regularly spray paint their cars to make them more conspicuous.

·Psycho, Shorty and Sleepy are all popular gang names.

·Tim Thomerson has a really good sense of humor, or he is a total moron.

Of course it’s not all bad, Dollman does contain the following insightful monologue; “What the fuck are we fuckin’ waitin’ for? I mean, fuck this shit! Fuck man, the fuckin’ set-up is fucked up! The little fucker knows what kind of fuckin’ shit is waiting here to fuck him up. So lets get the fuck out of this fuckin’ deal, and go lookin’ for the tiny little mother-fucker!” David Mamet, eat your heart out.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 01/22/03 02:56:55
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User Comments

7/27/06 JB Totally overlooked and underappreciated piece, with a great sense of humor 5 stars
10/31/05 Matt Hughes Classic!! Hilarious. 5 stars
3/22/05 Jeff Anderson A good & certainly unique idea & Thomerson's always a BLAST, but film's VERY POORLY MADE!!! 3 stars
11/05/02 Charles Tatum Why does Charles Band hate his audience so much? 2 stars
4/16/01 Andrew Carden Kind of quirky horror movie. Goofy, but it points watchable at others a sleeper. 3 stars
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  02-Feb-1991 (R)



Directed by
  Albert Pyun

Written by
  David Pabian
  Chris Roghair

  Tim Thomerson
  Jackie Earle Haley
  Kamala Lopez
  Nicholas Guest

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