Jessica Lange must have realized she didn't have a campy-psychotic role under her belt yet, so we're treated to some of the funniest scenes involving rats, horses, pregnant women and naked old ladies that you'll ever want to not see. Just so you know, this whole review will have spoilers, mainly because there is only one plot point in the whole movie and also because I want to ruin this piece of crap for you before you see it.The "plot" of Hush is so thin you could watch aphids hump through it. Here's the deal: Jackson brings girlfriend Helen home to his big plantation where she meets his mother, Martha. They leave. They come back. They get married because she's knocked up and he has a jaw that would make Dudley-Do-Right jealous. They decide to stay for a year, which is a bad idea because it seems that Martha secretly killed Jackson Sr. years ago. Now she has some unexplained obsession with having a grandson and taking him away from Helen. That's it. I swear.
Gwyneth Paltrow is not too bad, except in the scenes where she is obviously wearing a wig, thanks to the magic of test audience-induced reshoots. (Hey, if you reshoot a pile of doody, it will still look like doody.) Jessica Lange drawls, vamps and literally chews on the scenery. It's like she's competing in a Kathleen Turner contest and Bette Midler just took the lead. Someone should have told her she was shooting a drama this month. But the true find in this movie is Johnathon Schaech. Actually, his acting talent is tougher to spot here than his name is to spell. But if they ever make a "Barbie & Ken: The Genatalia Experiment" movie, there's your Ken.
Particular scenes that stand out if you're the kind of movie fan who loves campy garbage: Martha visits her naked old mother-in-law at a sauna, Helen vomits in public, Helen's pregnant belly gets slashed by an intruder (real nice, guys), Jackson (in a bold move for a block of wood) screams "SHUT UP!" and sprays a nice foamy spittle rain all over Oscar Winner Jessica Lange. Then comes the scene when big pregnant Helen gets a bunch of dead rats dropped on her head and then gets kicked in the face by a horse. Movies this bad can't happen by accident.A strange, obviously butchered thriller. It's a tough call as to who exactly this movie is meant to scare, though. I guess if I were a psychotic, alcoholic, homicidal mother-in-law, this would be my "Jaws". Destined to be completely forgotten.