Worth A Look: 2.27%
Pretty Bad: 9.09%
Total Crap: 72.73%
6 reviews, 96 user ratings
|Speed 2: Cruise Control
by Chris Parry
Speed was a great action movie, one of the best of the genre. So why is the sequel such an unadulterated pile of worm-infested puppy crap?This movie is so bad.
"Without shadow of doubt, the worst film of all time. Made me mad."
Words can't describe how truly awful this retarded mess is, but lord help me while I try to give you the general idea.
Maybe we should take the Speed 2 quiz.
Question 1: Let's imagine that you're on a ship and you want to take over the computers. How would you do it? Would you:
A: Sneak into the Captain's office late at night and crack his password
B: Pretend to be a crew member and sit at a crew terminal
C: Pretend to be a drunk, wander into the captain's deck and slap a remote control under the wooden desk that the computer sits on
Well of course the answer is C because we all know you only need to be near a computer and you can change the entire nation's satellite system. And download it onto a floppy disk.
Okay, Question 2: The all-concrete room you're in suddenly erupts into flames. (I don't know how either, but go with me) The fire doors slam shut locking you in with the flames (God bless fire safety). Your seductive friend can see you through the small window of the all-steel two inch thick fire doors that won't open. What does she do?
A: Notify someone in order to have the strangely designed doors opened.
B: Crack the glass and stick a hose through it with which you can put out the flames
C: Go to a linen closet, find a chainsaw (!) and proceed to saw through the two inch thick steel fire doors, thereby freeing you.
Well obviously the answer is C. Everybody knows that chainsaws are in abundance on a cruise ship, I mean, trees can come out of nowhere in the ocean. And everybody also knows they'll cut through two inch steel like paper. Duh!
Next, question 3: You want to sneak bombs onto a cruise ship. Do you:
A: Put them in your luggage
B: Strap them to your body
C: Put the detonators in the heads of the seventeen irons in your set of golf clubs, make the balls the bombs and have a member of the crew bring them on board for you
Again, obviously it's C. Nobody would think a set of golf clubs with seventeen irons was silly, especially irons that had LED displays on them.
Question 4: Mr Evil Guy is flying away on a seaplane with your woman. You're in the speedboat of a guy who's car you wrecked in Speed 1. Do you:
A: Get off this guy's boat before he sticks a knife in your gullet
B: Call the cops and notify them that a terrorist is on a seaplane with your girl
C: Find a fishing rod, hook the bottom of the seaplane, throw yourself in the water holding onto the fishing rod, reel yourself in to the plane as it takes off, beat the pilot up and make him fly into the mast of an oil tanker
Duh. It has to be C. Millions of tons of spilled oil is no reason to spoil a great day's fishing. And fishing line can tow a human body through the surf at seaplane speed. Duh.
Question 5: A lifeboat full of people is hanging precariously from the side of the ship. It could give way at any moment. Do you:
A: Roll the gangplank out and take the people off the lifeboat
B: Throw them a rope and pull them up one by one
C: Throw yourself onto the roof of the lifeboat like a he-man and then... well.. cling to the top as it swings about, people scream and.. well, that's it.
Obviously the answer here is to look as much like a hero as possible, even if it means killing everyone. C.
Question 6: The cruise ship you're on is out of control, taken over by terrorists. They tell you that if you jump off you'll be sucked into the boat's propellers. Do you:
A: Laugh at them for being total idiots and jump off anyway
B: Open the rear ship doors and walk off, past the propellers and at sea level
C: Believe them, even though it's the biggest load of donkey bollocks anyone has ever said to you
Well the answer here is C. And that's the problem. The entire movie is based on the idea that if you step off a cruise ship you'll be sucked under to a certain death.
You won't. It's wrong. Totally wrong in every way shape and form.
So how did you do on the quiz?
If all of your answers were C, congratulations! You qualify to not only see this movie, but enjoy the hell out of it, because you're a dullard. See a physchiatrist immediately, do not wear any belts or shoe-laces.
If one of your answers was C, you liked Batman And Robin too. It's not all over for you yet, but the brain needs a bit of shock therapy or you'll soon be selling pencils on a street corner and mumbling to yourself "that bus was just going too darn fast".
If you didn't answer C to any of these questions, you should see this movie. But make sure you're really drunk, have a bunch of buddies over and are screaming obscenities at the screen.
This movie is the biggest pile of dung ever put to screen. It made $14m opening week and $1.6m the second week. That's how bad it is. When I saw it at least twelve people walked out. When it ended, the manager was giving one of those guys his money back.
It was so bad, so stupid, so moronic, so.. FUCT.. that the only way to enjoy it was to laugh at the idiocies and wonder what the hell Sandra Bullock was thinking. May she be banished to movie hell for this unintriguing waste of time. Two of the people I saw this film with were big Bullock fans - they left remarking how much they now hated her.
Jan De Bont, well he should know better. And he should have to personally repay every cent paid by the folks who bought tickets in good faith to see something akin to the original Speed and instead got this crappy, tacky, rehashed money-grab.
I can just see Keanu saying "yeah, you thought I was stupid for doing Johnny Mnemonic and not Speed 2, but LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BIATCH! STUPID THIS, BULLOCK!"The closing line (from Sandra Bullock) is "that bus was just going too darn fast". And that's just how bad this turd of a film is.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=368&reviewer=1
originally posted: 08/18/98 10:33:18
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