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Overall Rating

Awesome: 7.14%
Worth A Look: 14.29%
Average: 0%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap78.57%

1 review, 8 user ratings

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Billboard Dad
[] Buy posters from this movie
by Scott Weinberg

"or, Doe-Eyed Moppets Seek Sex Partner for Desperate Father"
1 stars

I’m not exactly sure how to review a “Mary-Kate & Ashley” flick. These movies exist on a plane wholly separate from other films, in that they’re created solely to showcase the meager charms of the pre-pubescent pair of doe-eyed twins.

Yes, that cutie-pie pair of toddlers from the biblically insipid Full House sitcom have somehow turned themselves into a multi-million dollar cottage industry. The Olsen twins have had their mugs plastered on a series of movies, videos, T-shirts, lunchboxes, and anything else saleable you can think of, and wouldn’t you know it: America eats ‘em up like they’re candy.

Based on my limited experience with the Olsen canon (this flick, a few episodes of Full House and about twenty minutes of the painfully amateurish Passport to Paris cable movie), I have no rational explanation for the twins’ popularity. Sure, it’s important that our young daugthers have a few movies to love, but Billboard Dad is so banal that it seems more punishment than reward. (“No, Mommy! We wanna watch Mulan! The Olsen twins are scary!”) This film is written with the depth of your average Hallmark card and directed with the panache of a drunken wedding videographer.

The setting here is Venice Beach, and the precocious girls are busy trying to find a girlfriend for their widowed Pop. To this end, they (and a few friends) scale a massive billboard and paint a giant (and mysteriously excellent) portrait of their lovable dad along with a brief personal ad. Logically, hundreds of desperate women call in. Throw in a few subplots about neighborhood kids in a diving competition and the devious plans of Dad’s evil agent, and you’re left with a film about as involving as your average test pattern. Inadvertent director trend: Alan Metter once directed some humorous diving sequences for his Rodney Dangerfield vehicle Back to School, and returns to the cinematically uninvolving sport once more in this flick. (Just something odd I noticed.)

The Olsen girls are all about wide-eyed reaction and sarcastic banter, and – since it’s clear they have very little acting skill - I’ll be very curious to see where their careers end up. (I’m guessing a lifetime of cable flicks and Hollywood Squares.) I’m not a cruel guy, and I’m sure that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are sweet kids in person, but that doesn’t mean their movies are worth watching. The supporting cast is as generic as it is inconsequential, the screenplay is a series of limp gags and vanilla contrivances, and the movie as a whole is one that you’ll forget entirely about nine minutes after the credits roll.

Obviously I’m not even almost the intended audience for a “Mary-Kate and Ashley” production, but I know lazy, shoddy filmmaking when I see it…regardless of whether its released under the hopefully criticism-free genre of Family Flick.

Nine-year-old kids may sit through it and have fun, but nine-year-olds would also eat french fries 23 hours a day if their parents didn’t give force them to try something more nutritious.

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originally posted: 04/29/04 15:51:28
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Listed as part of our "Ew! The Olsen Twins!" series. For more in the Olsens! series, click here.

User Comments

2/07/13 Cristina good movie 4 stars
6/18/07 Sarah They are really good. I think that review sucked 5 stars
6/18/04 Ryan OK 4 stars
5/05/04 Denise Duspiva What do people love about them they stink 1 stars
5/04/04 gray jail baitling suck 1 stars
4/30/04 tatum Great there's two of them, so their 15 minutes has been doubled 1 stars
1/21/02 Andrew Carden Good Premise and Plot Wasted In Bland Actingand Unfunny Screenplay. 1 stars
5/19/01 the scarecrow GO BACK TO FULL HOUSE!! 1 stars
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Directed by
  Alan Metter

Written by
  Maria Jacquemetton

  Mary-Kate Olsen
  Ashley Olsen
  Tom Amandes
  Jessica Tuck
  Carl Banks
  Ellen Ratner

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