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This bottom-of-the-barrel junk is proof positive that any horror movie can get financed if only you choose the right movies to steal from. If you've ever heard of this movie, I'm impressed. If you've ever seen it, I fear you.

One night last week, I was about to hit the sheets when the friendly TBS announcer told me:

"Following 17 minutes of commericals, Fritz Weaver battles Satan in snake form, in Jaws of Satan, coming up next on TBS..."

How could I say no? I did a quick research hit at IMDb, and was surprised to see that this dreck was released in 1981. Hey, I was alive then. Surely I could garner SOME entertainment from an early-eighties B-movie I've never seen, right?

Wrong.

Picture a snake. It's about to bite some guy. Then it bites him, and the guy falls down. Repeat that image about 13 times, and then you too can write a review for this movie. It's obvious the producers here were shooting for the nature run-amok theme so prevalent in classics like Grizzly, Piranha and Alligator. But for a movie like this, simple animal homicides aren't enough. These snakes are governed by Satan himself! How's THAT for high-concept moviemaking?

The Satanic subplot affords the script several scenes that play out like this:

Priest: "Do you think Satan could be stalking me, only in the form out a giant cobra?"

Soon-to-be-dead Imbecile: "You're high! Let me run home and get this book I have on Satanic Reptiles, and I'll be right back."

Imbecile gets into his car and is bitten by snakes.

The only fun aspect of Jaws of Satan (aside from the title, of course) is trying to guess exactly what the budget of the movie was. I'm guessing about $425.00, and that includes the caterers. For example, when the camera does a close-up on the head snake, it's pretty evident to anyone with eyes that the snake has no freakin' teeth! That's right - The head Satanic Cobra Leader Snake has has to gum his victims to death. Heck, a big star like Fritz Weaver certainly isn't going to risk getting snakebit, right?

There is one noteworthy thing about this movie - It marks the big-screen debut of Christina Applegate. She's this cute little 4-year old, but it's easy to tell it's her. She's not wearing a bra.

Wanna see people getting bit by snakes on a train? It's here. How about people getting snakebit in the forest? Got that too. For a switch, there are a few scenes of people getting bitten by several snakes, and that's always fun.

While I'm usually the first guy to defend these cheeeezy B-horror flicks, this one is simply too stupid to even bring up in conversation. But I guess if you're up watching TBS at 3:00 AM, then you deserve whatever you get.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=4650&reviewer=128
originally posted: 12/09/00 13:03:02
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