by Greg Muskewitz
The pastime we call movies has hit an all-time low. I have never, ever seen an atrocity, on-screen or off, under the label of a movie, or without (what else can this be called outside of celluloid shit) as horrible as "Freddy Got Fingered." Never. Out of every movie I have ever seen, this is by far, no questions about it, the worst. And mind you, I stayed the entire time, until the first wave of credits hit the screen, though I wasn't bound to stay for any outtakes --the supposed "meat" was bad enough.Whatever choice I made, I knew I was screwing myself. Scheduled to screen against each other, I would only be able to see "Freddy" or "Crocodile Dundee 3," and I wasn't very fond of the latter's series. "Freddy" seemed to be what would be the more "popular" choice among audiences, so I thought it would be the more pertinent to see. I was ready to walk out five minutes into "Freddy" when The World's Biggest Stupid-Ass Moron Fucker, formerly known as Tom Green started manually masturbating a horse. This was no animatronic or fake horse either, this was the real thing. You see, "Freddy Got Fingered" is not actually a movie, but rather an assemblage of random acts of stupidity, grotesquery connected only by Green's character Gord --a 28-year-old loser who still lives at home, but wants to be an animator. (He refers to his drawings as "animations.") Things don't work out in Hollywood like he planned, so he returns home to Oregon to further demonstrate pure, concentrate insipidness.
"Don't just give 'Freddy' the finger, fist the fucker Tom Green."
Ranting and giving examples of the shit I sat through would be more in-tune rather than "reviewing" this.
>Some character, or maybe it was his father (Rip Torn) refers to him as a "retard." The definition of slow is very much there, but the intended use of juxtaposing him with someone who is mentally and/or physically disabled is offensive and an injustice to them. Otherwise, that descriptive word would fit very well, but nothing already created or available in our dictionaries would suffice for Green.
>If you strip away the characters names and the little bit of "plot" that was there, you are left with nothing. Nothing, that is, but idiotic stunts he pulls, and gross acts like jerking off the horse. Other things include doing the same to an elephant, although I'm sure the elephant's penis was fake, not just because of the gallons of semen that was ejaculated onto Torn, but because as I researched, an elephant's penis is about four feet. The hose that Green used was closer to 10-15 feet. Additionally, he gets his friend injured, licks his open-fracture would, (hence the title) falsely accuses his father of molesting his 25-year-old brother so as that he is sent to "The Center for Molested Children," delivers a baby, pulling it back and is only prevented from falling by grasping hold to the umbilical cord, biting the cord off, and then swinging the baby around by the cord whilst splattering blood on the wall Pollock-style, whacks his paraplegic girlfriend (Marisa Coughlan) with bamboo for sadomasochistic pleasure (her only other desire was to "suck his cock" every chance she got), slices open a dead deer playing with its insides, and then wearing the skin, and plenty of other such wretched crap.
>The young audience that attended the screening, didn't appear to be thrilled either. I witnessed plenty of walkouts, and as I exited the theater on the way out, heard lots of reactions along "That was [one of] the worst movie[s] I've ever seen.
Green (and Derek Harvie) take credit for writing this, and Green additionally directed. Why is it that it's nearly impossible for African-Americans to have the chance to direct a movie, yet big old 20th Century Fox just lets this asshole numbnuts direct something? Although I don't watch his show, the few times that I have seen pieces here and there, it never bothered me one way or another, and I liked "Road Trip" a whole lot last year, even though I was more indifferent to him. But I have vowed never to watch anything with Tom Green in it again! I don't care what movie it is, or if it has Natalie Portman, Neve Campbell, Christina Ricci, Sarah Polley, David Lynch, John Waters, Tim Burton, or any number of other people I like involved with it. (Not that I think these people that I have mentioned would ever have the thought of working with him cross their mind.) And if such a thing were to happen, I would find a way --say by having someone alert me to the times he was on-screen-- so that I could walk out and avoid his utter tawdry, tasteless inanity.
All this is, is an excuse to pull a lot of repulsive, offensive, tasteless, sordid, empty, reprehensible, gross-out "jokes," and the usage of "fuck" almost every other word and by almost every single "performer." (Gord finally snaps at his father, "Dad, fuck you," only for Torn to pull down his pants, start slapping his ass, and telling Gord to "Fuck me! Fuck me then." There is also some point near the end where someone in a crowd holds up a sign that read, "When is this fucking movie going to end?") Gross-out can be funny, and we've seen that in a multitude of movies like "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut," "There's Something About Mary," and just about any of John Waters' movie, but the difference is that there is some thought going into those movies. Whether it is the cleverness of the gags, the creativity of achieving the gross status, or je ne sais quoi, there is at least a consciousness of what it's doing. Green has no such sense, and there is nothing clever or thought out in this. Sure, maybe Divine eating dogshit in "Pink Flamingos" was simply for an extreme reaction, but Waters has used much better judgment and discretion in his works of tastelessness. Meantime, I have lost respect for anyone who appeared in this movie --not that there was anybody particularly special-- but that does as well include Drew Barrymore. There are just some things that are not worth doing for money, it this is most definitely one of them.
By far, the worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst, worst (x 1,000,000,000,000,000,000+) excuse for a "movie" I have ever seen. All this may sound repetitive, but none of it can begin to accurately sum up my feelings towards this.Final Verdict: Z --because an F is too high of a grade for this, and isn't equipped to illustrate how horrid this is.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=4713&reviewer=172
originally posted: 04/23/01 13:53:31