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Overall Rating
2.12

Awesome: 12.8%
Worth A Look: 8%
Average: 12%
Pretty Bad: 12.8%
Total Crap54.4%

8 reviews, 77 user ratings


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Valentine
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by Greg Muskewitz

"Go with your instincts and be unthrilled."
1 stars

The trickling and copycat effect from Scream has led us to new lows: Valentine. If the movies we are getting now are any indication of how bad it is going to get later on in the year, I just may be going for early retirement. Already the suffering has commenced through The House of Mirth, Snatch and now Head Over Heels and Valentine this week. I certainly cannot say I had much expectation towards this, but this is purely direct-to-video slasher-fare. Not even the allure of Denise Richards or David Boreanaz should have been enough to bring this a theatrical release.

Via flashback, we are told the mortifying experience a dorky junior high kid was subjected to when trying to get someone to dance with at the school Valentine's Day dance. He has punch poured on him, is stripped to the underwear and is proceeded to be kicked by a mob of boys.

13 years later: A young med student (Katherine Heigl) is trying to work on her cadaver, but when she hears noises only to find out it is a cherub-masked killer. She gets her comeuppance hiding in a body bag. Whatever possessed her to hid in a body bag, is beyond me. But logically, how could she have zipped the bag up from the inside? Why was she working with no lights on, and why didn't she even bother to wear a lab coat?

The death of her brings together several of her friends since middle school: Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Lily (Jessica Cauffiel), and Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw). The girls were actually a lot closer than Heigl's character; she was the only one to break away from the harmless clique to expand her horizons --professionally. Similarly, the girls begin receiving disturbing Valentine cards ("Roses are red, violets are blue, they'll need dental records to identify you") and other "gross" paraphernalia (like maggot filled chocolates). As if it wasn't apparent enough, though through some manipulation of identity, it is the same nerdy boy who is one-by-one enecating the girls that were so horrible to him. Actually, it isn?t so much one-by-one, as it is first Heigl, and then only one other until the "grand finale."

The horror/slasher genre has its niche, and negative reviews will do little to persuade those out of seeing it, but the previews around this one look so bad that it might have done a pretty decent job of scaring its own audience away. Valentine is surprisingly completely suspenseless, but not so surprisingly very predictable, idiotic and flat out dump. If you take the "c" in cupid and replace it with "st" you get "stupid" --and that seems to sum this up pretty well!

So already we have a movie that isn't slightly scary to watch, and stupid, but not in a silly, goofy way that made Scary Movie so hilarious. Added to that, with maybe the exception of Kate, not one of the characters are likable. They are all mean and have devious intentions, so it is little off of our conscience when they are killed --more of a relief actually. The characters are horribly written, flat as cardboard, and all of the actors are utterly devoid of chemistry. None of them are even able to decently perform. Maybe Richards, technically the only pro here, seemed semi-professional, but not even the falsely-flaxen, tweak-eyed Marley Shelton comes off as realistic. I've kind of liked Shelton in the past with Pleasantville and The Bachelor, and it is sad to see her getting stuck in so many lame teen roles. (She was also in Sugar & Spice last week.) Although she was fine as a non-stereotyped teen in Pleasantville, seeing her only once as an adult in The Bachelor was enough for me to feel that she should only playing adults. But this isn't advancing her career --it's only putting a damper on it.

The dialogue is laughably bad ("There have been guys whose last names you didn't know and you let in your pants. I'm only letting this guy in my house"/ "What's his last name?"/ "Uh...I dunno."), and it took an estimated four people to adapt this from the book --most likely one of those hack imitations of Dean Koontz, or something similar. Even the music is noticeably bad. Nothing hack schlock director Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend) does, propels this to any commendable, passable or even patible level. Blanks draws a blank. He did a crappy job with Urban Legend, and similarly he displays no style. Hack says it best.

But even those who are fans of Richards or Boreanaz with be likely disappointed with this because it's an embarrassment. I'm sure their respective careers have been doing well, so why swoop down to such a low level. And the ridiculous, inept "twist" ending that we are tossed is not clever and not a surprise, not to mention unbelievable. Go with your instincts and be unthrilled.

Final Verdict: F.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=4717&reviewer=172
originally posted: 02/03/01 08:15:14
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User Comments

2/14/17 morris campbell ok the last shot was cool though 2 stars
10/25/09 Leo Cupid Michael Myers87 I loved this horror movie, also loved the creepy Cupid Rubber Mask. Make Sequels 5 stars
5/26/09 mr.mike Pretty decent time-killer , Richards was hot. 3 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Interesting storyline. 4 stars
11/18/07 David Pollastrini good gore! 4 stars
8/14/06 Sharon If david boreanaz wasnt in this movie it would prolly self destruct! 1 stars
8/09/06 Doreen It was ok, didn't care a lot for it. It could've been better! 3 stars
2/15/05 American Slasher Goddess Bland and generic crap 1 stars
11/04/04 freddy krugar how can u luvthis shit and hate mine 1 stars
8/06/04 Anthony G fucking halloween ripoff 1 stars
7/28/04 Mike Devans Horrible 1 stars
7/27/04 Jack Sommersby Well-photographed but inert and listless and boring. 1 stars
7/26/04 Bob Morrow Crap 1 stars
3/14/04 Paul Carone BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 1 stars
3/11/04 Colin Dumbe, Stupid And Incredibly Pointless, Jaimie "Shooting" Blanks Indeed 1 stars
3/02/04 blue really went nowhere 3 stars
2/15/04 homer i have more fun whacking off to a sears catalog 1 stars
2/04/04 Chad Foster Go Denise 5 stars
1/04/04 Mariah I love the movie,David rocks! 5 stars
1/02/04 Katie Boring! 1 stars
1/02/04 HELLOWEEN I just wish Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees went there and kicked the cupid's ass 1 stars
12/12/03 Doofus one of the worst horror movies ever, they should'nt even call this horror! 1 stars
11/25/03 Thiago I thought Valentine was good. Not really original, but still ok 4 stars
10/01/03 Jake Makes A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge Look Like High Art 1 stars
9/18/03 Samuel Justus Story ok, but acting was not! 3 stars
9/03/03 Charles Tatum When did we time warp back to 1982? 1 stars
6/14/03 Alice I loved it. Good humor, WAX IT ! Denise is great in this one. 5 stars
3/31/03 Paul Coleman Not even Denise Richards could save this DOG. Really awful. 1 stars
1/02/03 Chowie um, yeah, right..... 2 stars
8/16/02 scott great 5 stars
7/01/02 Vitality1 Only watching David B. made this movie worth it 3 stars
5/19/02 Sin hahaha... Yuna from Final Fantasy X dies in this movie. Serious! 2 stars
5/16/02 The Velcro Warlock Refreshing slasher variation. Veronica F, there's no such word as fuckwad! 4 stars
5/15/02 Blake This movie was really scary 5 stars
4/30/02 CAT don't know like this film, unscary and boring, not even David B could make it good 2 stars
4/25/02 NWO4LIFE Good beginning and ending, but dull inbetween. 3 stars
3/11/02 Crisa S The chickz in this film is the onli thing worth looking at...... MMMMM denise richards.... 5 stars
3/06/02 Veronica Foxx aka The Raven-Haired Temptress I wish Cupid's arrow would puncture the hearts of these fuckwads and kill them all! 1 stars
2/27/02 Bertha Venation As obvious as the sky, as much fun as a traffic jam 1 stars
2/23/02 David A. Very stylish slasher movie--just good fun with a sadomasochistic undercurrent! 5 stars
1/16/02 Gary Inevitably poor, but a little less predictable than expected, and trashy in a watchable way 2 stars
1/12/02 rb this movie was so good 5 stars
1/05/02 Matthew Best film in the world! Marley and Denise rule! 5 stars
1/02/02 Veronica I enjoyed it, very scary and worth my money! 4 stars
12/13/01 ben wasden Valentine scares well. 5 stars
11/12/01 Kenneth E. Carper A Denise Richards movie where we dont get to see her tittys isnt worth MY FUCKIN MONEY!!!!! 1 stars
8/23/01 Stonedog Keeps the genre alive post-Scream 3 and effectively, if not plausibly 4 stars
8/20/01 The Bomb 69 ugh!!! ending kept it from one star 2 stars
8/07/01 Josh Interesting departure from the Scream-esq slashers of the 90's.Better than most have stated 5 stars
7/30/01 Basil Typical teen slasher flick. 3 stars
7/22/01 Britnay Why does every horror movie have a huge party where the end finaly comes out&whoISda killer 3 stars
7/09/01 Roy Smith My friend Mike and I saw this and we both thought it was a piece of shite! 1 stars
6/06/01 Peter Brook This is Scream part 56, and it sucks even more than the original 1 stars
5/15/01 Dissapointed Even a nude scene with marley shelton wouldn't save this shocker. Rating 1 is a compliment 1 stars
5/04/01 Jessica Kumar It was good but not as good as Scream 3 4 stars
4/20/01 Stephen Booth They took a halfway crappy horror script and extract every trace of plot and tension. 1 stars
4/19/01 Tam The teen slasher-pic genre has been done to death. At least Scream did it with style. 2 stars
4/08/01 Chris show us their ass 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Katherine Heigl is SUCH a fox....otherwise the movie blows 4 stars
3/07/01 paula it sucked 1 stars
3/02/01 It sucked balls Survival Horror games like Resident Evil are scarier than any dumb teen horror movie. 1 stars
2/25/01 ANGEL Valentine is a movie that will keep you on the edge of your set. 4 stars
2/24/01 Christy Old! It's all been done time and time again. What a pitiful attempt at a horror film. 2 stars
2/23/01 Thrillhouse Go see Hannibal instead of that bullshit 1 stars
2/20/01 palmreader The scariest part of this movie was the ticket price. 1 stars
2/12/01 john d(THE DUDE) A pile of SHIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! 1 stars
2/10/01 KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi I'd rather be fucked in the ass with a steak knife than watch this tripe again!!! 1 stars
2/08/01 Vanessa Henderson Valentine was awesome!!! 5 stars
2/08/01 bob reinhart great shocking ending 5 stars
2/07/01 Nelly It was reminiscent of Halloween. Things jumped from the dark and a twist ending! 5 stars
2/07/01 Mike The best of the movie can be seen in the previews, it had its moments but I think it needed 3 stars
2/07/01 TimmyTomorrow Any movie with that guy from Angel rewlz! 5 stars
2/07/01 Obi Wan Even Denise Richards and the bad guy winning couldn't save this heap...lucky I didn't pay!! 2 stars
2/06/01 John Lyons Sucks. Childish. Shouldn't have killed K. Heigl so soon. 1 stars
2/05/01 Triumph, the Insult Comic This movie was perfect..FOR ME TO POOP ON! 2 stars
2/05/01 Stuntman what the hell was that? and who comes up with this godforsaken garbage? 1 stars
2/03/01 Nose Bleed Since Angel is essentially the only male in the cast...the "twist" ending stands to reason 4 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Feb-2001 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  17-May-2001 (M)




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