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Overall Rating
2.12

Awesome: 12.9%
Worth A Look: 8.06%
Average: 12.1%
Pretty Bad: 12.1%
Total Crap54.84%

8 reviews, 76 user ratings


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Valentine
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by Rob Gonsalves

"They sure don't make holiday-themed slashers like they used to."
1 stars

Maybe it's just nostalgia, but I remember the slasher movies of the early '80s, terrible as they often were, being more fun than the post-"Scream" crop of neo-slashers of the last few years.

There was gore, there was nudity (lots of nudity), and there was a satisfied audience of teenage boys taking all this in. (This was before society decided that movies cause impressionable youths to become violent. Back then, we still believed that people were responsible for their own actions.) Today's slasher offerings are hardly worthy of the title. Largely bloodless, featuring name actresses who refuse to disrobe gratuitously, they now have little reason to exist. I mean, if you're going to take the gore and T & A out of these films, what's the point?

The meretricious Valentine is 2001's first example of the slasher genre's pallid decline. On paper, it looked like a promising throwback -- it even has two slasher staples, the Holiday Theme and the Vengeful Killer. With its premise of a former geek getting bloody revenge on the girls who rejected him in junior high school, this should've been an indefensible, go-for-broke, sinfully enjoyable wedge of horror cheese. Instead it's just indefensible.

For one thing, if you're the type who'd give Valentine a day in court -- what the hell, could be fun, horror movies are fun -- chances are you've seen it all before. This isn't even the first Valentine's Day horror movie -- My Bloody Valentine, a Canadian import from 1981, takes that honor. And it's certainly not the first revenge-of-the-nerd thriller: aside from the obvious (Carrie), there was also Terror Train, another Canadian import, in which a humiliated geek returns years later to decimate his classmates. Add in the routine false scares (eek! -- oh, it's only a harmless guy) as well as the predictable actual scares, consistently botched by talentless director Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend), and you're in for a long 90 minutes.

Four college girls -- Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), and Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) -- are worried because a psycho is sending them poison-pen valentines ("Roses are red/Violets are blue/They'll need dental records to identify you" is one of the better ones); one of their number, a medical student who apparently preferred to do autopsies in a dark basement with her tanktop on, has already gone to the big tanktop store in the sky. We're given several suspects, including Kate's recovering-alcoholic boyfriend Adam (David Boreanaz, looking uncomfortable without a long black coat to flap around) and every other male on the screen. That even includes a flatly unbelievable detective on the case, who takes the opportunity to fondle one of the girls.

Valentine is yet another one of those films that Scream was supposed to have buried but instead resurrected: Everything Scream laughed at, this movie plays straight. People are always wandering off into dark, unfamiliar places alone; Denise Richards, in the movie's pinnacle of idiocy, goes off by herself during a loud party -- the killer's on the loose, you'd think she'd want to stay among lots of people -- and takes a dip in a hot tub. But don't you see, without nudity there is no point to this scene. At least in the old slasher films, you could laugh and say, "Ah, the obligatory nude scene." Here, it's ... Denise Richards in a bikini. Acting stupid.

Aside from that, Valentine offers some flaccid nastiness in the form of man-bashing (there's a scene with hopeful guys angling for a date that's almost a direct ripoff of the "Dog" scene in Spike Lee's She's Gotta Have It); since the only men in the movie are wimps, losers, jerks, or unreliable, it's no wonder the women in the movie have no use for them. This shouldn't be taken as feminism, though: the whole bloody mess gets started because a girl lies to save her own reputation, and the females are as crudely written as the males. Lack of screenwriting talent is the great equalizer, I guess.

Four people wrote "Valentine," two men and two women; it's nice to know that it now takes a gender-proportional quartet to write garbage that it took one person to crank out in a weekend back in the '80s.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=4717&reviewer=416
originally posted: 12/25/06 07:53:17
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User Comments

10/25/09 Leo Cupid Michael Myers87 I loved this horror movie, also loved the creepy Cupid Rubber Mask. Make Sequels 5 stars
5/26/09 mr.mike Pretty decent time-killer , Richards was hot. 3 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Interesting storyline. 4 stars
11/18/07 David Pollastrini good gore! 4 stars
8/14/06 Sharon If david boreanaz wasnt in this movie it would prolly self destruct! 1 stars
8/09/06 Doreen It was ok, didn't care a lot for it. It could've been better! 3 stars
2/15/05 American Slasher Goddess Bland and generic crap 1 stars
11/04/04 freddy krugar how can u luvthis shit and hate mine 1 stars
8/06/04 Anthony G fucking halloween ripoff 1 stars
7/28/04 Mike Devans Horrible 1 stars
7/27/04 Jack Sommersby Well-photographed but inert and listless and boring. 1 stars
7/26/04 Bob Morrow Crap 1 stars
3/14/04 Paul Carone BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 1 stars
3/11/04 Colin Dumbe, Stupid And Incredibly Pointless, Jaimie "Shooting" Blanks Indeed 1 stars
3/02/04 blue really went nowhere 3 stars
2/15/04 homer i have more fun whacking off to a sears catalog 1 stars
2/04/04 Chad Foster Go Denise 5 stars
1/04/04 Mariah I love the movie,David rocks! 5 stars
1/02/04 Katie Boring! 1 stars
1/02/04 HELLOWEEN I just wish Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees went there and kicked the cupid's ass 1 stars
12/12/03 Doofus one of the worst horror movies ever, they should'nt even call this horror! 1 stars
11/25/03 Thiago I thought Valentine was good. Not really original, but still ok 4 stars
10/01/03 Jake Makes A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge Look Like High Art 1 stars
9/18/03 Samuel Justus Story ok, but acting was not! 3 stars
9/03/03 Charles Tatum When did we time warp back to 1982? 1 stars
6/14/03 Alice I loved it. Good humor, WAX IT ! Denise is great in this one. 5 stars
3/31/03 Paul Coleman Not even Denise Richards could save this DOG. Really awful. 1 stars
1/02/03 Chowie um, yeah, right..... 2 stars
8/16/02 scott great 5 stars
7/01/02 Vitality1 Only watching David B. made this movie worth it 3 stars
5/19/02 Sin hahaha... Yuna from Final Fantasy X dies in this movie. Serious! 2 stars
5/16/02 The Velcro Warlock Refreshing slasher variation. Veronica F, there's no such word as fuckwad! 4 stars
5/15/02 Blake This movie was really scary 5 stars
4/30/02 CAT don't know like this film, unscary and boring, not even David B could make it good 2 stars
4/25/02 NWO4LIFE Good beginning and ending, but dull inbetween. 3 stars
3/11/02 Crisa S The chickz in this film is the onli thing worth looking at...... MMMMM denise richards.... 5 stars
3/06/02 Veronica Foxx aka The Raven-Haired Temptress I wish Cupid's arrow would puncture the hearts of these fuckwads and kill them all! 1 stars
2/27/02 Bertha Venation As obvious as the sky, as much fun as a traffic jam 1 stars
2/23/02 David A. Very stylish slasher movie--just good fun with a sadomasochistic undercurrent! 5 stars
1/16/02 Gary Inevitably poor, but a little less predictable than expected, and trashy in a watchable way 2 stars
1/12/02 rb this movie was so good 5 stars
1/05/02 Matthew Best film in the world! Marley and Denise rule! 5 stars
1/02/02 Veronica I enjoyed it, very scary and worth my money! 4 stars
12/13/01 ben wasden Valentine scares well. 5 stars
11/12/01 Kenneth E. Carper A Denise Richards movie where we dont get to see her tittys isnt worth MY FUCKIN MONEY!!!!! 1 stars
8/23/01 Stonedog Keeps the genre alive post-Scream 3 and effectively, if not plausibly 4 stars
8/20/01 The Bomb 69 ugh!!! ending kept it from one star 2 stars
8/07/01 Josh Interesting departure from the Scream-esq slashers of the 90's.Better than most have stated 5 stars
7/30/01 Basil Typical teen slasher flick. 3 stars
7/22/01 Britnay Why does every horror movie have a huge party where the end finaly comes out&whoISda killer 3 stars
7/09/01 Roy Smith My friend Mike and I saw this and we both thought it was a piece of shite! 1 stars
6/06/01 Peter Brook This is Scream part 56, and it sucks even more than the original 1 stars
5/15/01 Dissapointed Even a nude scene with marley shelton wouldn't save this shocker. Rating 1 is a compliment 1 stars
5/04/01 Jessica Kumar It was good but not as good as Scream 3 4 stars
4/20/01 Stephen Booth They took a halfway crappy horror script and extract every trace of plot and tension. 1 stars
4/19/01 Tam The teen slasher-pic genre has been done to death. At least Scream did it with style. 2 stars
4/08/01 Chris show us their ass 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Katherine Heigl is SUCH a fox....otherwise the movie blows 4 stars
3/07/01 paula it sucked 1 stars
3/02/01 It sucked balls Survival Horror games like Resident Evil are scarier than any dumb teen horror movie. 1 stars
2/25/01 ANGEL Valentine is a movie that will keep you on the edge of your set. 4 stars
2/24/01 Christy Old! It's all been done time and time again. What a pitiful attempt at a horror film. 2 stars
2/23/01 Thrillhouse Go see Hannibal instead of that bullshit 1 stars
2/20/01 palmreader The scariest part of this movie was the ticket price. 1 stars
2/12/01 john d(THE DUDE) A pile of SHIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! 1 stars
2/10/01 KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi I'd rather be fucked in the ass with a steak knife than watch this tripe again!!! 1 stars
2/08/01 Vanessa Henderson Valentine was awesome!!! 5 stars
2/08/01 bob reinhart great shocking ending 5 stars
2/07/01 Nelly It was reminiscent of Halloween. Things jumped from the dark and a twist ending! 5 stars
2/07/01 Mike The best of the movie can be seen in the previews, it had its moments but I think it needed 3 stars
2/07/01 TimmyTomorrow Any movie with that guy from Angel rewlz! 5 stars
2/07/01 Obi Wan Even Denise Richards and the bad guy winning couldn't save this heap...lucky I didn't pay!! 2 stars
2/06/01 John Lyons Sucks. Childish. Shouldn't have killed K. Heigl so soon. 1 stars
2/05/01 Triumph, the Insult Comic This movie was perfect..FOR ME TO POOP ON! 2 stars
2/05/01 Stuntman what the hell was that? and who comes up with this godforsaken garbage? 1 stars
2/03/01 Nose Bleed Since Angel is essentially the only male in the cast...the "twist" ending stands to reason 4 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Feb-2001 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  17-May-2001 (M)




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