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Overall Rating

Awesome: 14.97%
Worth A Look: 11.56%
Average: 10.88%
Pretty Bad: 13.61%
Total Crap48.98%

6 reviews, 111 user ratings

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by Collin Souter

"It's time to thin the herd!"
1 stars

Excuse me, but when did we last do an inventory blow-out? I’m looking over the papers and it seems as though we haven’t cleaned the Hollywood House of Starpower in over 10 years. Over 10 years!?! According to our papers, we last cleaned House back in 1990, when it seemed a good time to take stock of Hollywood’s situation with regard to it’s so-called “A and B-list.” You may remember this. A new decade lay before us and certain people just had to go. Yahoo Serious, gone! Steve Gutenberg, gone! Andrew McCarthy, gone! Patrick Dempsey… Ah-ha! I saw that! Not many people here even know about Patrick Dempsey. Why? Because, he’s GONE! Those of us who do remember “Can’t Buy Me Love” and “Run” know exactly why we nixed him. Ladies and gentlemen, with the release of “Scooby-Doo,” I believe now would be a GREAT time for an inventory blow-out in the Hollywood House of Starpower.

True, we should have done this years ago with the release of “Boys and Girls” or even last year with “Someone Like You,” but woulda-coulda-shoulda will get us nowhere. Now is the time for vigilance, for awareness. Certain people have been taking up space for too long. Their sub-par standards for picking out scripts put us all at risk and, frankly, costs us (and the studios) too much money. Does anybody actually miss any of the above-mentioned names? No? Didn’t think so. True, they have popped up here and there in small supporting roles, but they don’t hurt people the way they used to. “Scooby-Doo,” because we didn’t act fast enough, hurts everybody.

It hurt the hell out of me, alright. I really shouldn’t waste time going into the storyline, especially since I stopped following the plot about 20 minutes in. How could I? The pain grew monstrous! Moron Matthew Lillard as stoner Shaggy palling around with what has to be the most ill-conceived computer-generated character since…oh, I don’t know, I hate to be obvious, but Jar-Jar Binks. In fact, so annoying is Scooby-Doo, it almost seems like an insult to Jar-Jar to invite him into the comparison. But, seriously, the entire 87-minute duration of “Scooby-Doo” may as well be entitled “Jar-Jar Binks: The Movie.” Yes, it’s that painful. (And no, I never saw the stupid TV show)

I’m not kidding, this movie almost broke me. I literally almost started crying about half-way through. The movie stinks as bad as a silent fart in a suit of armor. Merely dismissing it as “too cartoonish” lets it off easy. Hey, I like cartoons. I enjoy them, but only when they have the slightest ounce of wit about them. I enjoy them when they have an inventive sense of humor. And I enjoy the movie versions when they aspire to be more than just a live-action cartoon (“Josie and the Pussycats”). “Scooby-Doo” takes the worst, most moronic and badly-drawn cartoon you can imagine and actually dumbs it down even further in case the toddlers in the audience still have some drool hanging from their mouths from a lobotomy operation.

Okay, now on with the Blow-out. We’ll start with Freddie Prinze Jr, who plays Fred. Now, let’s take a good, hard look at the track record of one Freddie Prinze Jr. “She’s All That.” No harm done, really. I kinda like that Rachel Leigh Cooke. On the other hand, it was the hit that spawned countless other hurtful rip-offs, many of which starred Freddie Prinze Jr. “Boys and Girls,” “Down To You,” “Summer Catch,” and now “Scooby-Doo.” Word has it that Freddie Prinze Jr. demanded the part of Fred, because he felt only he could do it justice. I'm not kidding. Nope, not interested in Hamlet. Not Stanley Kowalski. Not even a bit part in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.” Nope. Fred from Scooby-Doo. How did this no-talent idiot get a SAG card? The verdict? It’s a no-brainer. He has to go.

On to Sara Michelle Gellar, who plays Daphne. Now, this paragraph might annoy the “Buffy” fans out there, but what can I say? I never saw a single episode of that show and if I ever decide to, it won’t be because of this Belle of Blandness (It will be for the Flute Girl from the “American Pie” movies. Now she’s cute). Whatever charismatic presence Gellar has that carries that show gets completely undermineded by her boring, overdone and piercing performance in this turd. If she can act—and I’m not necessarily saying she can’t if she’s able to carry a show for that long—where are her instincts for picking good scripts? “Simply Irresistible,” “Cruel Intentions” and an un-credited role in “She’s All That.” Is the success of “Buffy” a fluke? She must be stopped.

Matthew Lillard, who may be this generation’s Eddie Deezen (who would be right at home in a movie such as this), grates on my nerves like an Aaron Neville “Best-of” album. His wacky, spoiled L.A. kid demeanor may have been okay in “Scream,” but he’s been mercilessly torturing us with it ever since. Another alumnus of “She’s All That,” Lillard has since gone onto “13 Ghosts,” “Summer Catch,” “Wing Commander,” and now, “Scooby-Doo.” He’s basically a drunken frat boy with the luck of Forrest Gump. He’s not an actor. He’s a nightmare to those who actually work for a living. Lose him.

Those are the big three, but let’s throw “director” Raja Gosnell into the tar pits while we’re at it (also responsible for “Home Alone 3,” “Never been Kissed” and “Big Momma’s House”). For him and his crew, I say we revoke their union cards, set up a Chuck-E-Cheese or a Discovery Zone out in the middle of the Outback and let them try and manage it. Oh, and also, cut off their arms. Although putting them in Australia still might make them a little too close to the film industry, so we may want to re-think that. Sarajevo or Wyoming might be an okay place for them to set up shop and, more importantly, it might even break their spirit, so let’s go with that. Raja Gosnell and company…GONE!

Prinze, I’m thinking, might be better suited as a weekend car wash attendant with a mullet. If we can have his SAG card revoked and set him up with a Dokken groupie to impregnate, freeze his assets and “conveniently” find him a trailer park to inhabit, that might benefit all of humanity. On the other hand, I’m thinking that staging a life-altering “accident” would be more beneficial, certainly more fun. All we need is some barbed wire, a forklift and a dumpster and we’re in business. All agree? Good. Freddie Prinze Jr.…GONE!

Gellar I’m willing to go easy on. A few years doing customer service at The Chicken Donut or Medieval Times might knock some sense into that vacant Barbie doll noggin. Or maybe doing some telemarketing for a medical supply company would do the trick. She can no longer co-host anymore award shows. We’re together on that, right? I’m giving her a small benefit of the doubt, but she still shouldn’t go un-punished for her crimes. We’ll let her pick her own fate: Either one of the above-mentioned occupations or a custodian at Overhagey’s All-Nude Peep-Show Palace. All agree? Good. Sara Michelle Gellar…GONE (For now)!

For Lillard, I’m thinking of a punishment Thunderdome style. Just strap him to a donkey with his hands tied behind his back and an oversized clown mask over his head. Keep the donkey well-fed but don’t ever let Lillard leave the Arabian Desert. Let him fend for himself. Agreed? Good. Matthew Lillard…GONE!

Finally, Sugar Ray. Yes, the rock band. Can you imagine the band meeting that took place? “Guys, duh, I think it would be good for our career to appear in this ‘Scooby-Doo’ movie. Duh, we get to sing a song and it’s integral to the, duh, plot. Plus, I look really, really cute and, duh, I really oughta be in pictures, like that Vanilla Ice guy. Whatdya’ say?” “Duh, okay. Let’s do it. We’re dumb.” Sugar Ray, Smashmouth, Third Eye Blind…the whole lot of them, please. Agreed? Good. GONE! (McDonalds is always hiring.)

Boy, if life were only like this. Sometimes, as the Sam Lowry character does in my favorite movie “Brazil,” you have to disappear into your own imagination and dream up the world you want to live in. I truly do wish we could put all those responsible for this movie on trial for art crimes against humanity. I don’t want to kill them, you understand. That would be letting them off easy. Just punish them without mercy.

I realize I haven’t said much about what makes “Scooby-Doo” so bad. Where would I start? It shouts at you. It farts at you. It mugs incessantly. Its CGI effects look half-finished. Think of the most annoying used-car salesman in your area and their commercials. Imagine a whole movie made up of people like that and even they would be more engaging and worthwhile than any of the characters in “Scooby-Doo.” It doesn’t feel the least bit sweet, fresh or forgiving. It is a movie conceived by the dullest of minds and made with utter contempt for its audience.

Look, we can act now so that this sort of thing does not happen again. Now, we just got word that an “Underdog” movie is currently in the works, but no actors have yet been cast. As they do in “Minority Report,” we may be able to stop a crime before it happens. We can punish those who would be responsible. Find every copy of the screenplay and burn it. Find all those who say, “Dude, an Underdog movie. They better not screw that up” and knock some sense into them. WAKE UP, GUYS! “The Flintstones” (plus sequel), “Rocky and Bulwinkle,” “Inspector Gadget”…”Scooby-Doo!” All someone has to do is say, “Quiet on the set…Action!” and it’s screwed up. We must hurry and make a mad dash to the Hollywood House of Starpower. We have to warn the others. We have to make them believe. This just can’t happen anymore.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 06/17/02 03:38:32
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User Comments

4/14/17 Susan Denise Nymm The Scooby Movie didn't break me. Having Scrappy be evil broke me. Some of us like him! 1 stars
10/30/09 wow im high this movie is aweful when your high... why is scrappy doo evil?? i mean i hate em. 1 stars
10/20/09 Barker What happened to Velmas Breasts?!?! That was Sarah M Geller?!?!?! Horrible acting/script/pr 2 stars
8/13/09 Jeff Wilder Scooby Doo run run away from this awful movie! 1 stars
12/05/08 Shaun Wallner Hilarious Movie! 5 stars
9/11/07 Steph Loved It!!! Dudes don't be jealous that your not on tv 5 stars
6/18/07 ian strange I absolutely hated it. 1 stars
4/13/07 David Pollastrini Never was a big scooby fan 3 stars
2/10/07 Joe Matthew Lillard's got Shaggy pretty much nailed, but that's the only bright spot here. 1 stars
10/01/06 zaid-ur-rahman rahman 1 stars
7/12/06 David Cohen At least they acknowledged that Scrappy Doo is evil 2 stars
6/20/06 George It was okay 4 stars
4/02/06 JM Synth It's not like the original was THAT good, anyway 3 stars
12/21/05 miss patience 5 it is ok =) =( 4 stars
11/26/05 hunt the movie was dorky and nasty but kinden fun 1 stars
11/26/05 cr This movie mess up the mystery inc. and acting was pretty good, story alright, crappy 2 stars
8/30/05 ES Didn't like scooby-do as a kid, like it even less an an adult 1 stars
8/25/05 Eden Why set it on an island? Why have real monsters? Why have Scrappy Doo? 2 stars
8/04/05 ^podo i used to love this movie.... 3 stars
7/22/05 tony This moivie drives me nuts! 1 stars
6/20/05 darick Makes the cartoon look riveting in more ways than one (CGI, acting, plot, etc.) 1 stars
3/12/05 crandall101 I like this one 4 stars
9/18/04 American Slasher Goddess A medicore cartoon padded out into a crapfest live action remake. 1 stars
8/25/04 jan horrible. loved the tv series, but this? they stole me 90 minutes of my life. smg=just bad 1 stars
8/22/04 Anthony G Fuck, thelma is so fucking hot, I love me a nerdy bitch! 3 stars
7/07/04 WestJay Scooby at his best! Great graphics! I loved it!! 5 stars
7/05/04 kelsey lehmann freddie prinze jr. is sexy 5 stars
7/05/04 spritely Forget the plot; see it for Matt Lillard and the humor 5 stars
7/05/04 Brian C0urtney Silly but hilarious 5 stars
4/29/04 Jamie A very good movie. 5 stars
4/10/04 Coco Chanelle My favourite movie, and i cant wait to see the next one 5 stars
4/03/04 da hood what the fuck are they thinking? i had to get shitfaced immediatly after i saw this shit!!! 1 stars
4/02/04 Jeff A disaster pure and simple. Hollywood needs to stop with the damn cartoon/TV remakes. 1 stars
3/31/04 re It was grear 5 stars
3/22/04 Littlepurch So bad it was good. Hate that saying but it applies here. Atkinson was good. 4 stars
3/01/04 ME THIS FILM ROCKS 5 stars
2/06/04 tatum Idiotic fluff, why did you people plunk down $ to see this?? 1 stars
11/15/03 KR Who knew Velma could be so hot in real life? The movie still licked balls, though. 1 stars
10/10/03 Erik Van Sant Such a neat concept: animating human shit and watching it try to entertain. 1 stars
10/07/03 neasa Its my fav movie so shut-up 5 stars
10/03/03 Samuel Justus Ebert & Roeper say everything suck, so i dont even listen to critics anymore! 4 stars
9/28/03 snowconehead I admit velma has everything to do with my rating 5 stars
5/31/03 mee AWESOME 5 stars
5/20/03 Jack Sommersby It's at least more spirited than the ultra-lame "Spider-Man". 2 stars
5/17/03 olivia great 5 stars
3/01/03 ME THIS FILM ROCKS 5 stars
2/07/03 123 bad acting, bad plot, bad humour 1 stars
2/04/03 Turtle It did what it was supposed to, and did it pretty well. I'd gladly see it again! 4 stars
1/09/03 Movie-Going Public ... And we hate you too, schism. Also Linda is uber hot. Pleez take off ur clothes thx. 4 stars
11/12/02 Andrew sucks like that attack of the craps this summer 1 stars
10/27/02 Matt Neopalitano The screenwriters didn't emerge from the haze of marijuana smoke to see the original. 2 stars
10/21/02 Bruce Hollendonner Like a cartoon turd hawking perfume at 8 bucks a ticket. 1 stars
10/19/02 Ken Lillard born to play Shaggy. A bad cartoon makes a terrible movie. 1 stars
10/17/02 Priscilla Postlethwaite 'Neath lotsa ornate window dressing, it's just another girls-don't-fart fantasy. 3 stars
10/15/02 Joana It could be SOOO much better!!! 2 stars
10/14/02 palaboy101 GOOD IDEA marred by a RIDICULOUS script (Scrappy-Doo planned world domination thru aliens!) 2 stars
10/12/02 qtpie YOU ALL SUCK THIS MOVIE ROCKS 5 stars
10/12/02 C Anderson It sucks!!!!!!!! 1 stars
10/07/02 Russ. OZ, 3 Stars!? WHY, Ah hell, we all get drunk and do something stupid everyone and awhile. 1 stars
9/16/02 blakers The best movie ever 5 stars
9/01/02 J I believe I'm going to go with OZ on this one of sorts. 3 stars
9/01/02 Jessie I really liked this movie! I thought it was really good!! 5 stars
8/28/02 viking an embarrassment to the Aussie film industry. 1 stars
8/25/02 Turkish gay as shit, jus like everyone that gave this movie a good rating 1 stars
8/24/02 Helen Freddie Prinze Jr. cannot act and the plot was so stupid 1 stars
8/17/02 AJ Very disappointing 2 stars
8/17/02 Andrew Patrick This Might Be The Best Worst Movie I seen 3 stars
8/13/02 What a bleeding, pus-filled, infected hemorrhoid! Gellar is fuckable. Cannibus 1 stars
8/12/02 Max No way this movie should be taken seriously. As such is hilarious 4 stars
8/11/02 Michael Carruthers Great fun, some jokes aren't that funny, but still worth a look. Lots of fun! 4 stars
8/08/02 Bobmer00 i concur, the movie sucks ass 1 stars
7/29/02 Jon Spitting on the cartoon's grave. Since when did scooby doo have real ghosts in? grr... 2 stars
7/28/02 Kino I liked it... probably just because I was stoned off my ass. 4 stars
7/24/02 Titus Shaggy and Scooby stole the show. Not great, but fun. 4 stars
7/18/02 Rod Williams I laughed at the trailers & more in the movie. Scooby & Matthew = hilarious. Movie sucked. 2 stars
7/14/02 Phoenix I kept looking at Sarah Michelle Gellar's breats, could barly watch the movie though. 2 stars
7/13/02 ! nice movie! 4 stars
7/12/02 bob leather jacket Mis-casting and poor script 1 stars
7/12/02 Veronica Foxx I could make a better movie with puppets, cardboard sets and a friggin' kaleidoscope. 1 stars
7/09/02 iambubby Ruh, ro! What a piece of rhit! 1 stars
7/09/02 Linda Cardellini Why oh why did I agree to do a movie with Prinze Jr. 1 stars
7/05/02 Joe Bacon Where's the Odorama Card when you REALLY need it???? 1 stars
7/02/02 KMG I didn't see it but wanted to just lower the score even more! 1 stars
7/01/02 J. I'm with tad on this; the movie sucks! 1 stars
6/28/02 K its supposed to be fun... it is 5 stars
6/27/02 J I've somewhat changed my mind, this is a decent at best movie. 3 stars
6/26/02 bullit17 Where is the "0 Star" rating on HBS when you really need it? 1 stars
6/25/02 Rhesus Any one who gave this above a 1 STAR should get a kick in the nuts(or the cunt; it may be.) 1 stars
6/24/02 Gary Vidmar's Illegitimate Daughter, Gladys I've always hated the cartoon, but with the addition of Prinze Jr., this is 10x worse. Bad! 2 stars
6/22/02 Law great kids flick 4 stars
6/22/02 gunter simple retarded fun 4 stars
6/20/02 Chris Oh, Come on. It's more annoying than the TV show and it's crappy and old. 1 stars
6/19/02 Mr Math Unbelievably bad. Are film fans really so easy to please? For crying out loud, people! 1 stars
6/19/02 Ken Kopin Roaring great fun, with and ending you have to admit you did NOT see coming. 5 stars
6/18/02 Roy Smith Linda and Sarah....rowr! Actually not too bad, stupid but fun. 4 stars
6/18/02 Angry Black Man Has anyone noticed that its the cast of "Scream" repackaged? 1 stars
6/18/02 Brian Great fun for fans. Everyone else, go away. 5 stars
6/18/02 Nessus Not as bad as I was expecting. Some good in jokes. Mostly retarded. 3 stars
6/17/02 Lexy Z Not nearly as bad as it could've been with Mr. Prinze Jr. I actually was quite entertained 4 stars
6/16/02 MyztiQ i loved it 4 stars
6/16/02 Flick Chick boring/dumb for adults,scary for little kids, brats ages 8-10 will like it 2 stars
6/16/02 Rampage WTH was that! And worse than the movie trailer! 1 stars
6/15/02 MArijuana Dogg What were the directors smoking? This was terrible! 1 stars
6/15/02 William Hanna My God, here's the proof that the Anti-Christ is alive and well. 1 stars
6/14/02 The Chronic Mastubator For the mere fact that they used a bunch of teenybopper faves to get the twerpy teen dollar 1 stars
6/09/02 Scooby DON'T! Saw a preview screening, worst movie since Rollerball 1 stars
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