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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.89%
Worth A Look: 5.66%
Average: 9.43%
Pretty Bad: 33.96%
Total Crap49.06%

4 reviews, 29 user ratings

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Musketeer, The
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by Scott Weinberg

"The most realistic action scenes caught on film since..The Care Bears Movie"
1 stars

Bad, bad, bad. Slow, wooden, uninvolving, sloppy, dull, choppy, tired, amateurish. Three cartoonishly preposterous action sequences are surrounded by some of the laziest and most yawn-inspiring cinematic machinations ever captured on celluloid. All that, and it just plain sucks.

Making the Grade (1984)
King Solomon's Mines (1985)
Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold (1987)
Honeymoon Academy (1990)
Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)
Operation Dumbo Drop (1995)
Sudden Death (1995)

What do all these movies have in common? (Aside from the fact that they all rank among the most retarded movies ever made, that is.) Would you believe they were all written by the same guy? Who'd have thought that one writer would have the range to go from a Police Academy sequel to a Van Damme action turkey? Only Gene Quintano could pull it off, and somehow manage to STILL earn a living as a screenwriter. Obviously oblivious to Quintano's earlier work, producers hired him to pen yet another adaptation of Dumas' Musketeers tale. Woop.

Am I insane, or have we all forgotten the double doody assault that was Disney's The Three Musketeers and that turgid DiCaprio version of The Man in the Iron Mask? How many times does the same concept have to fail on a biblical level before producers move on to another dead author? And as ridiculously bad as those two movies were, The Musketeer burrows deep down and discovers a whole new breed of wretchedness.

A young child watches
as his parents get slain
Then the kid runs away
And hides on the plain

He returns when he's older
And he's ready to fight
He's usually handsome and buff
and gets laid the first night

He discovers the truth
that the sheriff/priest/king
Is the villain he's seeking
for that whole 'revenge' thing

Sidekicks and henchmen
Horses and swords
cliche and contrivance
Audience bored

Sorry, I was just inspired by the sheer plagiaristic, tired familiar tedium of The Musketeer. If I told you that there was not one single, solitary new idea in this movie, you'd think I was exaggerating. You'd be extremely wrong. The plot is lifted whole from a dozen other movies, every single character onscreen fully represents the adventure-movie stereotypes, and the acting is uniformly atrocious.

Justin Chambers is vacant in the lead role, and he reminds one of a Chris O'Donnell/Freddie Prinze Jr. hybrid, only with less screen presence. Tim Roth shows up to wear an eyepatch and swing a sword, but I'm fairly certain that his performance here was simply footage from Rob Roy spliced in and made more dingy. Catherine Deneuve plays royalty and if you listen very carefully in one scene you can hear her mutter "Can I please have my check now?" The most entertaining performance comes from lovely young Mena Suvari, basically because she's just awful. Watching her quivery lips trying to spit out the British inflection is like watching a leech on a hot plate. I'm not saying Suvari is a poor actress; I'm just saying I've never seen her give a good performance.

Supporters of this film (perhaps 7 worldwide) may point out the various action sequences as a testament to the film's entertainment value. They'd be wrong, because the action scenes in this film are about as realistic (and exciting) as your average Tom & Jerry cartoon. Our hero wobbles around on barrels, hangs from the rafters, leaps from horse to horse, swings from massive towers and flops around on the world's most pointless collection of ladders. If the intent of the action scenes were to invoke peals of incredulous laughter, then director Peter Hyams may end up being nominated for his work here. This movie even sinks so low as to blatantly steal that "Indiana Jones slide under the moving car" bit and doesn't even have the brains to make it exciting.

Boasting the silliest opening credits in recent memory and a laundry list of cinematic stupidity, The Musketeer easily ranks among the year's worst movies. Fans of "so bad it's good" filmmaking will have a field day, while everyone else in the room slowly grows retarded.

It's astonishing (and depressing) to realize that mindless ripoffs like this get green-lit every day, while hundreds of great ideas go unproduced.

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originally posted: 11/21/01 09:18:08
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User Comments

10/26/09 art MENA repeat's her bathtub scene from AMERICAN BEAUTY. a 1 stars
10/01/08 Jovany Walker 2 stars
9/29/08 Donavan Blaine 3 stars
9/13/08 Waylon Keagan 4 stars
5/07/06 chienne Oh, wot total tosh!!! Great sets & costumes - Tim Roth: wot were u thinking? And on?? 2 stars
10/11/05 Quigley I don't know why everyone slams this film. the action was fake but stunning sometimes. 4 stars
8/18/05 ES Garbage! 1 stars
7/19/05 DM Laughably bad. (See Richard Lester's Musketeer films for Dumas done right.) 1 stars
3/15/05 Jeff Anderson Bad & muddy cinematography, an awful script & a poor cast KILL THIS! PETER HYAMS' WORST!!!! 1 stars
7/22/03 Jim Suffers from a credibility gap you could drive a carriage through. 2 stars
6/26/02 Simeon Briggs I really love swashbucklers, and there was much buckling of swash, sorry, i loved it 4 stars
6/21/02 Bart Loved the trailer. Abhored the film. 1 stars
4/04/02 Edfink Lombardo Poor lighting ruins what could have been good action sequences...a deplorable film 1 stars
3/28/02 Hennec "The Three Musketeers" was much better. I didn't feel satisfied when the movie is over. 3 stars
12/04/01 Andrew Carden Makes No Sense, Why Did They Make This???? 1 stars
11/21/01 Senor Pescolido I actually really wanted to see this based on the trailer. Will never trust a trailer again 1 stars
10/09/01 bob joe 5 stars
10/09/01 ajay I walked out after 20 minutes, so I might've missed the "good" part. 1 stars
10/08/01 Destruction Worker Stupid story, badly lit, poorly acted, good fight scenes 2 stars
10/01/01 Suzz Nice costumes, nice cinematography, nicer fights. 3 stars
10/01/01 hilary Total Crap 1 stars
9/28/01 ujube Great fights, overdone music, bad plot, great fights 3 stars
9/25/01 The Boy In The Designer Bubble I kept waiting for that kick ass asian chick to show up in this movie! 2 stars
9/21/01 malcolm pretty unremarkable 3 stars
9/17/01 Thor-Leo Got dragged to this against my will ... it was far, far worse than I expected. 1 stars
9/12/01 cinkcool I want an actual Musketeer movie, not where the musketeers are in trouble or some crap! 2 stars
9/11/01 Ashley Morrison I slept through an action movie...enough said 1 stars
9/10/01 JohnQ This one is really *really* bad. As bad as "Enemy at the Gates" if not worse. 1 stars
9/09/01 Bob i don't think i've ever a good Dumas film treatment 1 stars
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  07-Sep-2001 (PG-13)



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