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Lethal Seduction
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by Scott Weinberg

"Nothing like some Z-grade cop junk to louse up a perfectly weak porno."
1 stars

"Holy Shit". That's how I felt about 11 different times while watching this movie, and I don't mean that in a good way.

The sheer stinking awfulness that permeates this ugly little soft-core slop is likely to make your kitty litter box seem appetizing by comparison. If, after watching Lethal Seduction, I told you that it was written and directed by mentally retarded chimpanzees, you'd still contend that it's one awful freakin' movie.

This is one of those "soft-core" action flicks that try (with varying degrees of pathetic failure) to combine the two most revered forms of American cinema: Cop movies and Porno movies. Now, these genres fit together about as well as Israelis and Arabs do, so it's not likely that filmmakers inspired solely by their crotches are going to be able to pull it off. But what Lethal Seduction lacks in narrative, script-writing, talent, skill and screen presence, it more than makes up for in sex scenes that are about as sexy as roadkill.

It would be an undue compliment to the screenwriter for me to describe his inane droolings as a "plot", but in the interest of making more silly jokes, here goes nothing: There's this mob boss who has a lot of horny henchmen. A lot of the cronies end up dead, and a mysterious woman in black is the suspect. There is of course a detective, a commissioner, a girlfriend and a sidekick. All of them stultifyingly dull and bland and all of them due a soft-core hump scene.

As is often the case in these soft-core dungheaps, the unsexy sex scenes are intermittently interrupted by these pesky "plot threads". It's about here when I start to wonder exactly who these movies were made for. Are there fans of the Lethal Weapon series who sit around and wish for some sweaty and unconvincing simulated intercourse every 15 minutes? Conversely, are the porno fans out there who sit home watching the sex and thinking "Damn, you know what would make this skin flick really good? Cop stuff!"

I disagree. Since I cannot adequately explain the appeal of tripe like this, I'll instead focus on this particular exhibit: Quite simply, it sucks. The cop stuff is so ridiculously amateurish, you'll think you're watching a bunch of drunken idiots...which you probably are. And the skin sequences are so murky, shoddy and depressingly unsexy that you may begin to dislike the very sight of nude women. Rare is the movie that can accomplish that.

In the "starring role", hardcore-porn queen Julie Strain capably proves why her job is merely to lay back and utilize her orifices. (Scan up and take a look at the DVD cover and you get a good idea of her "screen presence".) As the oily mob boss, we get Emilio's uncle Joe Estevez! And since B-movie nepotism is the only way to get recognizable names in dreck like that, we also have Robert's son Christopher Mitchum as the detective. (I'm wondering if the Estevez Thanksgiving dinner conversation includes comments like "Hey, Joe...loved you in that PORN movie. Would you consider changing your name to Sheenstevez?")

I'm at a loss here. I can't even fathom who these movies are made for. If you like cop thrillers, there are hundreds of B-movies for you to choose from. And if 'adult entertainment' is your thing, that's cool. In today's modern society, there's nothing wrong with watching a little porn without fear of humiliation. But movies like Lethal Seduction, which fail miserably on both counts, are the pinnacle of all things sucky. DVD is too good for slop like this, and movies like this one should stay were they belong.

On Cinemax. At 3:00 AM. Where nobody will ever see them.

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originally posted: 10/10/01 12:03:15
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  02-Jun-1997 (R)



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