Oh fuck man, after doing a great popcorn movie (Under Siege), Steven Seagal comes up with this horseshit. Honestly, itís the most stupid, terrible, one-sided, overindulgent, pretentious, masturbatory, and most ridiculous, idiotic piece of shit Iíve ever seen from Seagal since Hard To Kill. Ugh man, and interestingly enough, I was laughing all the time when I was seeing it, and I even laugh at times when I think of it. I mean, itís so fucking bad, that you may just die of laughter (hence the title).Ok, so good guy Forrest Taft (Steven Seagal), is a fuck-o firemen specialist working for oil corporate Jennings (Michael Caine at his most embarrassing since Jaws 4) and his sidekick MacGruder (John C. McGinley), who is head of Aegis Oil Co. in Alaska, discovers, thanks to his friend Hugh (Richard Hamilton), that his idiot boss is going to open a ďstate-of-the-artĒ refinery using faulty equipment (Even though it explains you why is he doing it for, itís still goes beyond my imagination why the fuck would anybody would want to do that). So after an assassination attempt and the death of his friend Hugh, Taft goes to arm himself like hell and destroy Jennings and his refinery before it destroys the ecology of the place.
"I'm Dead Already"
If youíre not laughing by now, you better start rumbling. This film is just a stupid, over-the-top piece of shit. If Seagal canít act, do you honestly believe he can direct? Most of the scenes are laughable. The dialogue is annoying, and most of the characters are caught doing stupid things, enough to eat your heart out. The scene where these two mercenary fucks are talking about Taft and his CIA background and shit, then again talking about Taft in the refinery, is just the stuff for laughs and cringes. And then those two idiots going ďHoly shit, heís getting closer, when he comes lets blow his motherfucking head offĒ... ugh. Lots and lots of stupid, moronic dialogue like this can be found anywhere in this drek. Hell, I get better dialogue watching a Product Showcase commercial. The action scenes are cheesy as hell, theyíre never believable, and it makes Seagal look superhuman, which is so dumb. Then there are many obvious moments where the mercenaries have a chance to kill Seagal, but Seagal has like nine fucking lives because the guy is such a dumb-ass, or he likes to ask questions first and shoot later, and in that distraction, Seagal blasts him off. And heís a mercenary? Gosh, I thought these guys are trained killers. Oh and hereís a good one. One of the mercenaries spots a booby trap, but the idiot is dumb enough not to realize that it covers both sides of the road, so the predictable clichť comes that one of them goes around the other side, clips the fucking wire and boom, heís dead.
What else is there to talk about his fucking movie? Itís so damn predictable, and will make you laugh in the wrong places. Gosh I was laughing all over the place. Seagal had to be stoned if he thinks he would be capable of directing a movie, worse, if he thinks that he could make a SHITTY, SHITTY script like this one work like a fucking grand piano. Fuck, if want to be preached about ecology, Iíd rather go to any one of those Green peace conferences than watching this piece of shit. Furthermore, I believe that this insults the Eskimos of Alaska, since the scenes that they are involved are of absolute embarrassment. Jesus, what the fuck? Ugh. Ed Horowitz and Robin Russin, welcome to screenwriter Hell, assholes.
The performances are SSSOOOOOOOOOOOO bad. Seagal canít act, thatís for sure, much less direct. Jesus Christ Michael Caine, fire your fucking agent for Heavenís sakes. Joan Chen is bland, while John C. McGingley keeps on reprising the same old role of OíNeill in Platoon.In the end, you want a good movie with message about ecology and how to preserve human nature? Forget it; go to a Green peace conference. This movie is a total piece of fucking shit. Recommended only for fans of bad movies and Seagal haters. (0-5)
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=5816&reviewer=235
originally posted: 03/19/02 11:59:02