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Overall Rating

Awesome: 10%
Worth A Look: 5.71%
Average: 2.86%
Pretty Bad: 1.43%
Total Crap80%

2 reviews, 58 user ratings

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by Tyler Sciortino

"'I am KAZAAM! Whadaya wish for?' 'That your film's negative will be burnt.'"
1 stars

Comedy has sunk a new low. I've had more laughs from The Shawshank Redemption. This is a dull, meritless movie that is bafflingly labeled a comedy. There is simply nothing funny in this movie. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. There isn't even anything that resembles comedy here. It's a cheap ego-booster. Only difference here is that other cheap ego-boosters have merit in SOME way. Not here. Not in the slightest.

I mean that. This movie is a mortifying parade of everything bad and nothing tolerable. Nothing in this movie has any quality. At the very best (if you can call it that), it's bad. At the very worst, it's hypnotically bad to the point of creepy.

Now to the piece of shit plot. Snot-ass kid (Francis Capra) hates stepmother and her boyfriend. Snot-ass kid finds 3000-year-old genie (Shaq) in a portable radio (no, I'm not smoking crack) while being chased by zero-dimentional bullies. Snot-ass kid is granted three wishes by genie. Snot-ass kid wants to be with scumbag dad that isn't around a lot (I SWEAR I ain't smoking crack).

Cue credits. Audience still asleep. Shaq's reputation takes several steps down. Is hated. Blah blah blah.

Do you really expect me to critique an ego-booster film's direction and writing? BWHAAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! Not a snowball's chance in hell, buddy. There are only one thing to say about the script and direction: boring. Practically nothing to speak of.

The acting was obviously the last thig on their minds. Scratch that. It WAS. After all, this is an ego-booster film for Shaquille O'Neal, so all he does is yell "I am Kazaam!" a lot and hope that he gets a paycheck and a larger ego. Francis Capra plays a whiny brat, something anyone should do adequately (though it isn't recommended) and yet he's still stiff as if someone shoved a hot poker the size of Ron Jeremy's dick, which is about 1200 feet long.

The special effects are so outdated and half-baked it's a real wonder they were approved. The sound effects are equally as cheesy as the visual effects, sounding like something out of a Gumby short. The editing...ugh. The editing is extremely poor and choppy. You don't need to hire Robert Wise or Michael Horton to edit a film, but God, you shouldn't hire a lobotomized psycho with an axe do it.

Now to the sets and cinematography. Sets-cheesy. Shots-bad. Well, either the guys responsible love yellow, or the director of photography had his cat piss on the negative. There is a LOT of yellow used here, and it's always misused.

It's boring. It's a quick-buck scam to inflate Shaq's ego, though I've said that several times already. It's bad in every possible way. It's unfunny. It's dank. It's stupid. It's a disgrace to all cinema and comedy. 0/10.

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originally posted: 03/25/03 14:26:20
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User Comments

11/16/11 Dane Youssef Shaquille. One of the best ever to play the game. But ask him to act. To rap. Help... 1 stars
7/06/07 Total Crap Best Shaq movie! I give it 0.0000001 star. Great ego-booster shaq! 1 stars
10/03/06 Spock A highly respectable work of art- I couldn't stop laughing. 1 stars
9/05/05 Lenny What, Total Crap?! Shame On You. Wonderful Cast. A+ 5 stars
11/27/04 luke terrible and horrific 1 stars
8/11/04 Gray no longer in LA=no more crapy movies? 1 stars
12/09/03 Samuel "Thats not a horror movie!?!" -"Well, you haven't seen Shaq act!" 5 stars
9/29/03 thorpedo horrid 1 stars
8/06/03 Double G the kid is gay wit shaq 1 stars
8/02/03 kobe sucks like a hotel worker in colorado 5 stars
6/22/03 majic johnson It cured me!!! 5 stars
3/26/03 Dr. Bitterpants When it comes to acting, Shaq ain't Michael Jordan...not that Jordan is any Willam Shatner! 1 stars
3/25/03 Jon "Thumb the Toad" Lyrik Nothing o quality. Nothing tolerable. Pure shit of the purest of the purest pure pure shit. 1 stars
12/27/02 Mike Alvarado The movie was totall crap. 1 stars
12/14/02 shaq kazzam rocks 5 stars
12/12/02 Charles Tatum Shaq, stick to dribbling on your handheld balls 1 stars
6/17/02 Thomas Spaulding I am speechless 1 stars
5/17/02 Osama Bin Laden GREATEST MOVIE EVER 5 stars
4/18/02 Hairy Rectum IT SUCKS ASS 1 stars
3/28/02 NeuroManson Living proof that crack cocaine and movie production should *NOT* mix! 1 stars
2/10/02 koopatroopa shaq bad! ugly child actor with bowl cut worse! 1 stars
12/01/01 Knightfall the end of the world will come as a result of any sequel to this movie 1 stars
12/01/01 Andrew Carden Just Totally Crappy and Unwatchable Shaq Flick. 1 stars
11/30/01 Jeff Wilson Shaq and thermostat of hollywood make for a crappy movie 1 stars
11/30/01 luke worst movie ever 1 stars
4/07/01 M.C.A This was funny & somewhat intresting 4 stars
3/11/01 micky d bomb 1 stars
2/19/01 kevin sucks ass 1 stars
2/07/01 Macarthur Student Yeah right you folks are too whiny this was a fine film. 4 stars
2/06/01 Classicdog What a piece of shit this is!!! Shaq is the worst actor ever!! 1 stars
2/06/01 skinhead bob almost as bad as Titanic 1 stars
2/01/01 Fat Guy in a Little Coat Shaq can play defense...I'm repelled from picking this tape up whenever I go near it! 1 stars
1/22/01 scorekeeper Sheer, fricking sheer crap 1 stars
1/05/01 Arman Hossain It's awesome ! 5 stars
11/25/00 The Evil Penguin What was Shaq thinking?????????????????????????????? 1 stars
9/08/00 Jed Another underrated shaq movie. Despite what others say shaq is NOT the worst actor ever. 4 stars
8/24/00 ShaqWho Works Crap Ever!! 1 stars
6/29/00 PJ Dum go in disneylandworld, fucking moron, building with eyes, worst actor(yeah right actor) 1 stars
6/24/00 Crystal Fleming Not the best but it was ok. 3 stars
4/29/00 Fishsticks Should have been dumped into McUnhappy meals, but selling dog crap is illegal... 1 stars
3/17/00 David Rogers At least that homo Jordan isn't in it. 3 stars
10/28/99 JED! Ignore the backlash this movie is actually rather good. 4 stars
9/12/99 the Grinch SHAQ! He ACTS, He RAPS, He FREETHROWS! Guess what, HE SUCKS AT ALL! 1 stars
8/20/99 psychobubba Someone had some extra film lying around, and had to make a movie, I guess. 1 stars
7/06/99 Angie Shaq should stick to basketball...the movie was a waste of time and effort 1 stars
5/26/99 iyu Tax write off 1 stars
5/03/99 Michael Grimm about as good as a Shaq free throw attempt (BRICK!!!!) 1 stars
2/16/99 Uncle Roy Shaq can't act and can't do free throws. A double threat 1 stars
12/14/98 Scion of Graveheart HAA-DOO-KEN! Oh, you mean Kaazam my balls?! I get it! 1 stars
11/05/98 Lord Of The Dunce My God, how can people subject their kids to this. "He's tall, put him in a film". Guh. 1 stars
10/19/98 Johny Michael Jordan couldn't make a good flick and neither can Shaq 1 stars
10/18/98 Kwyjibo Ban Shaq from Hollywood or I'm coming to take care of it myself. 1 stars
10/14/98 Chi-Fan Hu piece of shit 1 stars
9/29/98 katherine ugh. stop it with the bubblegum kiddie films. 2 stars
9/15/98 Negative Creep If you saw this you paid to see A fat white kid rapping Howcome VanillaIce cant get airplay 1 stars
9/09/98 Bruce Willis' mama. Shaquille O'Neal should have his entrails put on display for this shit. 1 stars
8/24/98 The Capital City Goofball Had to watch this on a flight to Japan, and then again on the way back. Kill me. 1 stars
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  17-Jul-1996 (PG)



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