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Overall Rating
2.25

Awesome: 13.86%
Worth A Look: 13.25%
Average: 7.23%
Pretty Bad: 15.66%
Total Crap50%

5 reviews, 136 user ratings


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XXX
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by Chris Parry

"Big, dumb, stupid, showy and ridiculous. And that's just Vin Diesel."
2 stars

There are two time honored rules in Hollywood that never ever fail. The first is, if you're on a good thing, don't just stick to it, beat the audience over the head with it until they bleed from the ears - see the PG-13 teen horror trend that came after Scream, or the M.Night Shyamalan imitators after Sixth Sense, for examples. The second rule is, no matter how bad the movie, if someone is considered 'cool' this month, it'll be a smash. See Spiceworld, any Adam Sandler movie since Happy Gilmore, and the excruciating Hardball. XXX buys right into both these rules and makes no effort to disguise the fact. This is a movie that could have had a PG-14-YR-OLD-BOYS-ONLY rating and probably not have lost more than a few million bucks of box office, as having come off the ridiculous success of the Fast and The Furious, Vin Diesel could have been an ice cream store salesman with attitude and the little Timmy's of this world would have forked over to see it happen. As it turns out, he's a secret agent who digs extreme sports - kind of a James Bond who stars on a Jackass, if that makes any sense. And it doesn't.

So XXX is a career criminal who backs his action with an anarchist bent, he wants to make a difference by making a splash with high profile crimes captured on video tape, so that we can all go, "right on, XXX!" But one day Uncle Sam comes calling and tells him... well, let's let you figure it out.

A) Unless he becomes an agent he'll go to jail forever.
B) He's a bad boy, and thus is going to jail forever.
C) He looks ridiculous in those fat fur coats.

Yes, that's right, they go for the age old Rambo set-up, that unless XXX plays for the Government, the Government will lock him up. Plot theft #1.

So, seemingly having put all his anarchist "we must change the way things work" ways behind him, XXX becomes the Man, working for the establishment to save his ass from prison. How noble, X! Way to put yourself before... oh... you took the easy way out? Great.

Next comes the sex, the use of women as party playthings, the drinking, the being a male and all touchy feely with the lads while women dance for you and blow you. Plot theft #2, straight from College Girls Gone Wild: Tape 2. And yes, that's the standard of performance on display here.

Next comes the ridiculous action sequences. Director Cohen, who hit in big with Diesel in the Fast and the Furious about, oh, four seconds ago, throws action sequences in that have no real need to be there, as 'tests' for XXX, to see if he has what it takes. This is kind of like taking Rambo to a Six Flags shooting gallery and saying "if you don't win a teddy bear, you can't be in our gang." But for the movie's sake, it avoids that big empty action-free section between the beginning and the point. Way to pad out a half hour.

Then we have the set-up of the 'point'. Tedious and ridiculous, with dialogue that you'd quickly forget if it wasn't so cheesy, we begin to see that some European guys are building some biological weapons and they must be stopped. They could just as easily have set the premise up as XXX is in a big stunt contest and if he doesn't win it, he won't be able to save the orphange. It would matter about the same to the audience, and be just as cliche.

Sure, it's fun at times and we're seldom given time to yawn (though we would, often) between rolling our eyes and giggling to ourselves at how dumb it all is, but if you're going to spend so much on slo-mo action equences, why not spend a little money (or time) on the script? Oh, right, because they had to capitalize on the success of Fast and the Furious while they were writing the Fast and Furious sequel. Gotcha.

For me, the big question here is why does XXX need to go to such elaborate means of getting things done? For example, in an attempt to destroy a building belonging to the bad guys, XXX parachutes out of a plane onto a mountain side, snowboards to a cliff face, drops a few grenades and proceeds to outrun an avalanche that will destroy the building. But why? Why not just fly over the mountains and drop the grenades out of the plane, thus saving yourself from nearly dying under a million tons of snow? In fact, why not have the Air Force fly over it and drop the bombs directly on the building, since the armed forces seem to show up anywhere they want, at any time, anyway?

No, we have to see XXX risk his ass every time. In fact, if this guy had to go down to the store to pick up a carton of milk, he'd undoubtedly do so wearing a rocket pack with a lit stick of dyanamite wedged up his arse.

Vin Diesel's performance gives a whole new layer to this character. In script stage, the only layer it had was dumb. Diesel makes him big and dumb. Damn, that boy is multilayered, ain't he? Asia Argento, who has been around the indie scene for years but never made it big, shows why by being as vanilla as ice. Sam Jackson... well, who would have guessed that Sam has gambling debts and thus picks his roles based purely on financial gain these days? If you'd just call, Sam, maybe we could pass the hat around.

Essentially, anyone that thinks they've seen the last of XXX is kidding themselves. There's enough teenage retards out there with eight bucks to spend to make sure that this hokey garbage is continued every summer for the next four, after which time they'll probably have Joel Schumacher make one and wonder why the fourteen year old boys don't dig the homoerotic imagery, and the whole thing will collapse to be replaced by the next 'cool for an hour' guy on the block. Can't wait.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=6056&reviewer=1
originally posted: 09/06/02 05:36:06
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User Comments

9/16/17 morris campbell hte vin diesel 1 stars
3/13/17 morris campbell lame action movie vin diesel sux he's ugly 2 1 stars
10/07/13 David Rent "Pitch Black" or "Boiler Room". 1 stars
8/26/13 DB such an awful movie! way over the top! james bond movies are better 1 stars
7/10/10 PAUL SHORTT SILLY, OVER-THE-TOP ACTION THRILLER 2 stars
2/24/10 dinesh plz see me film 4 stars
12/19/09 Jeff Wilder Lots of fury but no sound. 2 stars
10/22/08 Shaun Wallner Very Boring! 1 stars
8/13/08 Brenda For a spy movie, it takes it self too seriously. It needed a dose of humor. 2 stars
7/30/08 chris f complete and utter garbage 1 stars
3/29/08 saleem that, good xxx films 5 stars
5/10/07 Mandee good movie 4 stars
4/12/07 R Outt were do they get off making rubbish like this? a truely snooze-inducing flick. 1 stars
3/21/07 man lame 1 stars
2/08/07 Matt Comparing this dud to Bond is like having sex with a blow-up doll instead of a beauty queen 1 stars
9/23/06 deepanshu so sexy 3 stars
9/04/06 Jarkko Perälä Should have been named "James Bond Xtreme" 1 stars
6/25/06 Greg Pile of diarrhea 1 stars
2/06/06 Anthony Feor Action packed and amazing, well done 4 stars
12/08/05 JM Synth Not even a genuine actionfilm, a jerkoff fest for xtreme sports fanatics. Crappy Soundtrack 2 stars
11/05/05 cooler FUCK YOU VIN DIESEL.WORST ACTION MOVIE EVER 1 stars
10/03/05 Tim the Enchanter I laughed through this movie, it should have been billed as a comedy 2 stars
8/29/05 ES Vin assumes his rightful place beside Seagal and Van Damme 1 stars
8/26/05 Eden Painful to watch 1 stars
8/21/05 tony a keeper! This was filled with action and attitude! 4 stars
7/30/05 R.W. Welch Mostly shlock; a couple good action bits. 2 stars
7/04/05 ALDO stupid...but alright action 3 stars
6/14/05 Anthony G shit? 1 stars
6/07/05 JD The stunts were ridiculous and the acting terrible, should be renamed 00zero. 1 stars
6/04/05 Hack-SAW Extra score for the heavy-metal soundtrack... Overall, crappy film!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 stars
5/27/05 tony Deisel tries to hard to be macho man. But sometimes it works. I thought it was very good. 4 stars
12/11/04 Jennifer You guys are just jelous because he's so hot.. and all the ladies want him!! 5 stars
12/09/04 Kristina Williams Vin is a stupid, stupid sumbitch, but the FX were sweet 4 stars
10/14/04 lewis suxxxed 1 stars
8/31/04 hermansyah very nice 4 stars
8/14/04 Brittney Leeb I dun care wut NE of these ppl say xXx was the best movie and i'd watch it 100 times if i.. 5 stars
6/21/04 Stab Wounds Vin Diesel sucks very, very bad 1 stars
5/24/04 Butterbean It's not that bad. I'm ready for the sequel. 4 stars
5/16/04 KRG1 Wow, I didn't know films could be this bad...Diesel has zero acting talent...Horrible 1 stars
5/14/04 Agent Sands Not quite THE most riveting movie, but it's pretty fresh 4 a Hollywood actioner! 4 stars
12/15/03 michaelb14 Sucks Ass beyond all belief 1 stars
11/12/03 Twenty-Two YUMMMM....... Vin Diesel!! 5 stars
8/22/03 Gray didn't like it to much 2 stars
8/11/03 Amy If you liked Fast and the Furious, you'll like this stunner. 1 stars
7/28/03 Ghetto Smurf Explosions and stunts are pretty coo, but everything esle sucks 1 stars
7/23/03 Double G I thought this was porno 1 stars
7/21/03 Igor Vin Diesel forgot how to act. Looks like hes reading cue cards for the whole movie 1 stars
5/23/03 Chiend XXX? Should have been called, ZZZ... 1 stars
5/07/03 leroyjones come on Samuel...u kno better 2 stars
4/25/03 mr. Pink Stupid in a 20 % good and 80% bad way. Vin Diesel still has a LOT to prove. 2 stars
4/25/03 Mikee Good for the recycle bin 1 stars
4/24/03 GWB XXX is AAA 5 stars
4/15/03 Jack Bourbon Note to self: Become international illegal-weapons dealer. SUCKS! 1 stars
4/09/03 Taylor Fladgate Once again, my friends, a good Friday night rental 3 stars
4/05/03 Sally Chavez Waaay too long and so bad. Vin's the worst actor in history & v. butt. Asia is cute tho. 1 stars
3/24/03 Sugarfoot An embarrisment 1 stars
3/17/03 Paul Coleman The 'hero' looks like a scumbag C. Bronson would shoot in a DEATH WISH movie. Very Silly. 2 stars
2/24/03 captain poopy WOW. total shit. not even a climactic fight at the end - Bond, rest easy - no threat here. 1 stars
2/17/03 Pat I now associate Vin Diesel with CRAP! 1 stars
2/06/03 123 What's all the big fuss ? Forgettable character, stupid plot, overacted actions 2 stars
1/07/03 PALGary wittiest action flik since Man With The Golden Gun - Blows away any Bond from last 25 years 5 stars
1/06/03 Allen Vin is awful and butt-ugly! Why is he a movie star? 1 stars
12/21/02 Johnny Vin should have canned this after reading the dumb script. 1 stars
11/23/02 freak fucking good 5 stars
11/23/02 Massacree When you think of it as a James Bond copy,this movie is great,but JAMES BOND MOVIES SUCK ! 3 stars
11/20/02 Mike Worst movie ever. 1 stars
11/13/02 Film Dude I should have been paid to see this. 1 stars
11/12/02 AgentDS Most painful movie-going experience since Glitter 1 stars
11/05/02 Fonq35 This sucks the sweat from a deadman's balls 1 stars
11/05/02 Michael Buehler The pre-pubescent action films market apparently requires no plot to be satisfied. 2 stars
11/03/02 phil good action sequenced - but come on Die Another Day is just gunna kick xXx's as 2 stars
11/02/02 matthew best spy movie ever 5 stars
10/27/02 MarktheShark6 Vin Diesel may be over-rated, but the movie wasn't too bad. It's worth seeing. 3 stars
10/25/02 Mr. Hat Vin Diesel an Rob Cohen are reinventing action just as Chow Yun-Fat and John Woo did! 4 stars
10/15/02 Brian Pure 100% garbage. Wouldn't show it to a bum off the street. 1 stars
10/15/02 Joana Hey, it's an awful movie, but did you really expected it to be good with a name like that? 2 stars
10/11/02 y0rt I saw MIIB 1 hour before this, and this is infintismly better. 5 stars
10/09/02 Steph NO one will EVER be better than 007. Superficial teens with no standards will like it. 1 stars
10/04/02 Alex Flynn I think Vin Diesel is mildly retarded. 1 stars
9/24/02 Kris Kincade I loved it for the piece of silly fluff that it was!! 5 stars
9/21/02 amateurs it's only an action movie! should make for easy dubbing ;) 4 stars
9/19/02 Uncle Salty If this movie went to school, it would ride the short bus. 1 stars
9/19/02 brentley James Bond, you might as well give it up. 4 stars
9/12/02 laron chapman you cant believe the action in this movie, its awsome 5 stars
9/10/02 Chancey Thunderpants this son-of-a-bitch movie is trash at its worst. Garbage not fit for anyone w/an iq over 10 1 stars
9/08/02 bob "that's why we're going to knock out the communication tower" 1 stars
9/08/02 Cliché Master Well Space Monkeys, let's hope it doesn't get any worse than this! 1 stars
9/07/02 JesseL Vin kicks butt in a decent action flick. Not for the testosterone-challenged. 4 stars
9/06/02 BrodieMan I see Oz is pimping his opinion again....... 4 stars
9/01/02 Cannibus (Jesus fucking Christ, it blew!) Excruciating to the very end: understatement. Worthless at best. 1 stars
8/27/02 Christopher High unintentional comedy. Everything else terrible 2 stars
8/25/02 Turkish fuckin worst script i have everseen in a movie and ryan leggett is justa little pussy 1 stars
8/25/02 The Chronic Mastubator Awful film, unfortunately it will rake in the money from idiotic 14 yr old boys. 1 stars
8/25/02 Crunchyfrog Enough with the Korn Bizkit soundtracks please, Hollywood 3 stars
8/24/02 ^ZuLu^ absolutely predictable - but worst of all i got bored by all the action! 2 stars
8/23/02 Headshot "Don´t think movie. Think Playstation!" - It´s a PG 13 action movie so it can´t be better.. 3 stars
8/22/02 Dark Barøn Teenager Bond. And Roger Ebert loved it. I lost respect for him. 1 stars
8/22/02 Phoenix Vin Diesel is the best action hero in movies today. 5 stars
8/22/02 Don McDougald Wow....I wish there was a "0 Star" option...this was worse than crap...it was embarassing 1 stars
8/21/02 BrodieMan Not great, not bad. 3 stars
8/19/02 kooler Great dialogue! "These guys attack those guys, those guys attack these guys. . ." 2 stars
8/19/02 Film Guy This is one of the most ridiculous movies ive ever seen, By far one of the years worst 1 stars
8/18/02 Craig Only the Barney generation could fall in love with this bald, irritating monster! 1 stars
8/18/02 Benjamin Leatherman Best video game I ever saw. 3 stars
8/18/02 Naw Hells No This movie sucks but its Vin Diesel so its good.(People are Stupid people) 1 stars
8/18/02 Kyle There's probably a porn movie with the same name, better acting, and a fucking plot. 1 stars
8/18/02 slipperyK Give me Bond anyday...don't want to see it, the trailer made me puke 1 stars
8/18/02 The Truth Much better than the last two James Bond stinkers 4 stars
8/17/02 Anarchy Azmi best movie ever?...somebody please kill hawkboy....bloody gay movie 1 stars
8/17/02 Chelsea No further comments necessary 1 stars
8/16/02 Chris This movie would have kicked ass... if XXX would have died at the end. 1 stars
8/16/02 Jesus I damn Van Diesel and Hawkboy to HELL!!!! 1 stars
8/16/02 Melis Note to Vin: In XXX 2, take more clothing off. Give us something. Seriously. 1 stars
8/16/02 Goldhammer Bond + Dirty Dozen + Lost Boys + Crow = 100% Gay 1 stars
8/16/02 The Chronic Mastubator This movie will be eaten up by juveniles to come on themselves at the shitty action scenes. 1 stars
8/15/02 Double-M Cheey, no question, but incredibly entertaining 5 stars
8/15/02 MrMagic truth in advertising, hilarious dialogue, you gotta love it 5 stars
8/15/02 Schro Man... when we got out of the theater... all we could say was damn. 5 stars
8/14/02 GOOD sucks all ass 1 stars
8/14/02 wintermute Much better than I thought it would be. I would rather watch VIn than Paul Walker anyday. 5 stars
8/14/02 Dave the Knave An outstanding collection of stunts, explosions and babes, all tied up with a horrific plot 2 stars
8/14/02 Interrog8 Entertaining, but dumb action is still dumb. Want talented Vin Diesel, see Boiler Room. 3 stars
8/14/02 Jeff Kovalski Vin Diesal is an unevolved, pathetic excuse for talent of any kind. 1 stars
8/14/02 Ramblin' Wreck jesus............this crap is what passes for Bond nowadays??? wait till Dec.... 1 stars
8/14/02 ajay mildy amusing, but ultra-cheesy 2 stars
8/13/02 Benjo Supid, stupid, stupid!!! 1 stars
8/12/02 Caiphn This wasn't even entertaining. 2 stars
8/12/02 David A. It's a pathetic, sickening, snotty, phony PIECE! Vin Diesel is a bratty little poser! 1 stars
8/12/02 Mike Exciting flick 5 stars
8/11/02 malcolm good for what it was -- mindless action fun 3 stars
8/11/02 KCK This movie was a bore... the trailers were dumb but exciting but nothing happened in this 1 stars
8/10/02 Ed Roy Scott Weinberg is EXACTLY right. 1 stars
8/10/02 J.D. Semlow XXX has a lot of great action, but is too long and gets too ridiculous. 3 stars
8/10/02 Kooze Hell in a handbasket. I once though Diesel was good. He proves here he's awful. 1 stars
8/10/02 Anarchy Azmi first time i felt asleep during movies 1 stars
8/09/02 TheTalkingElbow VIN... GO BACK TO REAL ACTING BEFORE YOUR CAREER DIES FROM THIS GARBAGE 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  09-Aug-2002 (PG-13)
  DVD: 19-Apr-2005

UK
  N/A

Australia
  12-Sep-2002


Directed by
  Rob Cohen

Written by
  Rich Wilkes

Cast
  Vin Diesel
  Asia Argento
  Samuel L. Jackson
  Marton Csokas
  Joe Bucaro III
  TeeJay Boyce



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