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Overall Rating
2.25

Awesome: 13.86%
Worth A Look: 13.25%
Average: 7.23%
Pretty Bad: 15.66%
Total Crap50%

5 reviews, 136 user ratings


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XXX
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by Hawkboy

"Best movie EVER."
5 stars

I love Vin Diesel. I want Vin Diesel to star in every single movie that is made from this point on. I want him to play Anakin Skywalker, Harry Potter, Frodo Baggins, James Bond, the Terminator, and all the monkeys in the "Planet of the Apes" sequels. Then, and only then, will I be satiated.

This movie was SUPPOSED to be ridiculous, right? This is the movie "True Lies" should have been - a simultaneous James Bond movie/James Bond parody. "True Lies" wussed out with a lame-ass romantic comedy subplot involving Bill Paxton. This movie goes for the gusto.

I loved it. I went in with the expectation that it was going to be stupid, it was, and I cheered. It was like a James Bond movie, starring Arnold Schwartzeneggar, written by the writers of MAD Magazine. Anybody who criticizes it for being unbelievable, poorly written, and badly acted is missing the point. There is no way that the following dialogue can be written or performed un-ironically:

(spoken by two foreign guards of the evil underground lair)

"How are you?"

"Life is shit."

"Yes, well, what can you do?"

How can you not love a movie with dialogue THAT bad?

Vin Diesel is the worst actor in history. I'm sure he added depth to the role of the scary bald guy in such notable films as "Fast and the Furious" and "Boiler Room", but I hated both films, so they don't count. I loved him in this. Anyone who dismisses him because of the inherent crappiness of his monotone voice and slack-jawed manner never watched "Commando" or "Cobra" or "Raw Deal". He's the new Stallone/Schwartzeneggar/Norris/Van Damme/Seagal/Dudikoff, all rolled into one.

I watched Vin Diesel, during the film's not-very-exciting climax, where the fate of the world lay in his hands, as he just STARED at the nuclear device that was going to blow up the Czech Republic. He just stared at it. With his mouth open. I could actually see the drool forming. And I'm sure he wasn't thinking, "Hmmmm, I wonder how I can save the world from a nuclear holocaust." He was thinking, "Hmm..missiles are pointy". He's stupid. He's boring. He's our new hero.

Things blow up. People shoot piles and piles of bullets, and no one gets hit. Evil villains talk, and talk, and explain their entire evil plan to the hero for no apparent purpose. There are hot babes, loud music, and an incomprehensible plot. People, you could have guessed this going in - why are you acting so cranky?

Let's be honest with each other, here - you know, deep in your heart of hearts, that this is a bad movie. If you want to see a movie SO BAD that it goes past good, back into bad, and back YET AGAIN into good, this is it. It's critic-proof, they're already planning the sequel - there is nothing anyone can say or do to prevent this movie from taking over the earth. Best thing you can do is just sit back and let it wash over you. It'll be over soon enough.

I laughed out loud five times during my watching of this film. Whether it was laughter at how bad it was or not is irrelevant - it's way more than I laughed at "Goldmember".

It is what it is, and it excels at what it is. It's big, it's dumb, it's what the public wants right now. "XXX" is the rare movie that didn't let me down in any way, shape or form.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=6056&reviewer=27
originally posted: 08/15/02 02:54:15
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Trilogy Starters: For more in the Trilogy Starters series, click here.

User Comments

9/16/17 morris campbell hte vin diesel 1 stars
3/13/17 morris campbell lame action movie vin diesel sux he's ugly 2 1 stars
10/07/13 David Rent "Pitch Black" or "Boiler Room". 1 stars
8/26/13 DB such an awful movie! way over the top! james bond movies are better 1 stars
7/10/10 PAUL SHORTT SILLY, OVER-THE-TOP ACTION THRILLER 2 stars
2/24/10 dinesh plz see me film 4 stars
12/19/09 Jeff Wilder Lots of fury but no sound. 2 stars
10/22/08 Shaun Wallner Very Boring! 1 stars
8/13/08 Brenda For a spy movie, it takes it self too seriously. It needed a dose of humor. 2 stars
7/30/08 chris f complete and utter garbage 1 stars
3/29/08 saleem that, good xxx films 5 stars
5/10/07 Mandee good movie 4 stars
4/12/07 R Outt were do they get off making rubbish like this? a truely snooze-inducing flick. 1 stars
3/21/07 man lame 1 stars
2/08/07 Matt Comparing this dud to Bond is like having sex with a blow-up doll instead of a beauty queen 1 stars
9/23/06 deepanshu so sexy 3 stars
9/04/06 Jarkko Perälä Should have been named "James Bond Xtreme" 1 stars
6/25/06 Greg Pile of diarrhea 1 stars
2/06/06 Anthony Feor Action packed and amazing, well done 4 stars
12/08/05 JM Synth Not even a genuine actionfilm, a jerkoff fest for xtreme sports fanatics. Crappy Soundtrack 2 stars
11/05/05 cooler FUCK YOU VIN DIESEL.WORST ACTION MOVIE EVER 1 stars
10/03/05 Tim the Enchanter I laughed through this movie, it should have been billed as a comedy 2 stars
8/29/05 ES Vin assumes his rightful place beside Seagal and Van Damme 1 stars
8/26/05 Eden Painful to watch 1 stars
8/21/05 tony a keeper! This was filled with action and attitude! 4 stars
7/30/05 R.W. Welch Mostly shlock; a couple good action bits. 2 stars
7/04/05 ALDO stupid...but alright action 3 stars
6/14/05 Anthony G shit? 1 stars
6/07/05 JD The stunts were ridiculous and the acting terrible, should be renamed 00zero. 1 stars
6/04/05 Hack-SAW Extra score for the heavy-metal soundtrack... Overall, crappy film!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 stars
5/27/05 tony Deisel tries to hard to be macho man. But sometimes it works. I thought it was very good. 4 stars
12/11/04 Jennifer You guys are just jelous because he's so hot.. and all the ladies want him!! 5 stars
12/09/04 Kristina Williams Vin is a stupid, stupid sumbitch, but the FX were sweet 4 stars
10/14/04 lewis suxxxed 1 stars
8/31/04 hermansyah very nice 4 stars
8/14/04 Brittney Leeb I dun care wut NE of these ppl say xXx was the best movie and i'd watch it 100 times if i.. 5 stars
6/21/04 Stab Wounds Vin Diesel sucks very, very bad 1 stars
5/24/04 Butterbean It's not that bad. I'm ready for the sequel. 4 stars
5/16/04 KRG1 Wow, I didn't know films could be this bad...Diesel has zero acting talent...Horrible 1 stars
5/14/04 Agent Sands Not quite THE most riveting movie, but it's pretty fresh 4 a Hollywood actioner! 4 stars
12/15/03 michaelb14 Sucks Ass beyond all belief 1 stars
11/12/03 Twenty-Two YUMMMM....... Vin Diesel!! 5 stars
8/22/03 Gray didn't like it to much 2 stars
8/11/03 Amy If you liked Fast and the Furious, you'll like this stunner. 1 stars
7/28/03 Ghetto Smurf Explosions and stunts are pretty coo, but everything esle sucks 1 stars
7/23/03 Double G I thought this was porno 1 stars
7/21/03 Igor Vin Diesel forgot how to act. Looks like hes reading cue cards for the whole movie 1 stars
5/23/03 Chiend XXX? Should have been called, ZZZ... 1 stars
5/07/03 leroyjones come on Samuel...u kno better 2 stars
4/25/03 mr. Pink Stupid in a 20 % good and 80% bad way. Vin Diesel still has a LOT to prove. 2 stars
4/25/03 Mikee Good for the recycle bin 1 stars
4/24/03 GWB XXX is AAA 5 stars
4/15/03 Jack Bourbon Note to self: Become international illegal-weapons dealer. SUCKS! 1 stars
4/09/03 Taylor Fladgate Once again, my friends, a good Friday night rental 3 stars
4/05/03 Sally Chavez Waaay too long and so bad. Vin's the worst actor in history & v. butt. Asia is cute tho. 1 stars
3/24/03 Sugarfoot An embarrisment 1 stars
3/17/03 Paul Coleman The 'hero' looks like a scumbag C. Bronson would shoot in a DEATH WISH movie. Very Silly. 2 stars
2/24/03 captain poopy WOW. total shit. not even a climactic fight at the end - Bond, rest easy - no threat here. 1 stars
2/17/03 Pat I now associate Vin Diesel with CRAP! 1 stars
2/06/03 123 What's all the big fuss ? Forgettable character, stupid plot, overacted actions 2 stars
1/07/03 PALGary wittiest action flik since Man With The Golden Gun - Blows away any Bond from last 25 years 5 stars
1/06/03 Allen Vin is awful and butt-ugly! Why is he a movie star? 1 stars
12/21/02 Johnny Vin should have canned this after reading the dumb script. 1 stars
11/23/02 freak fucking good 5 stars
11/23/02 Massacree When you think of it as a James Bond copy,this movie is great,but JAMES BOND MOVIES SUCK ! 3 stars
11/20/02 Mike Worst movie ever. 1 stars
11/13/02 Film Dude I should have been paid to see this. 1 stars
11/12/02 AgentDS Most painful movie-going experience since Glitter 1 stars
11/05/02 Fonq35 This sucks the sweat from a deadman's balls 1 stars
11/05/02 Michael Buehler The pre-pubescent action films market apparently requires no plot to be satisfied. 2 stars
11/03/02 phil good action sequenced - but come on Die Another Day is just gunna kick xXx's as 2 stars
11/02/02 matthew best spy movie ever 5 stars
10/27/02 MarktheShark6 Vin Diesel may be over-rated, but the movie wasn't too bad. It's worth seeing. 3 stars
10/25/02 Mr. Hat Vin Diesel an Rob Cohen are reinventing action just as Chow Yun-Fat and John Woo did! 4 stars
10/15/02 Brian Pure 100% garbage. Wouldn't show it to a bum off the street. 1 stars
10/15/02 Joana Hey, it's an awful movie, but did you really expected it to be good with a name like that? 2 stars
10/11/02 y0rt I saw MIIB 1 hour before this, and this is infintismly better. 5 stars
10/09/02 Steph NO one will EVER be better than 007. Superficial teens with no standards will like it. 1 stars
10/04/02 Alex Flynn I think Vin Diesel is mildly retarded. 1 stars
9/24/02 Kris Kincade I loved it for the piece of silly fluff that it was!! 5 stars
9/21/02 amateurs it's only an action movie! should make for easy dubbing ;) 4 stars
9/19/02 Uncle Salty If this movie went to school, it would ride the short bus. 1 stars
9/19/02 brentley James Bond, you might as well give it up. 4 stars
9/12/02 laron chapman you cant believe the action in this movie, its awsome 5 stars
9/10/02 Chancey Thunderpants this son-of-a-bitch movie is trash at its worst. Garbage not fit for anyone w/an iq over 10 1 stars
9/08/02 bob "that's why we're going to knock out the communication tower" 1 stars
9/08/02 Cliché Master Well Space Monkeys, let's hope it doesn't get any worse than this! 1 stars
9/07/02 JesseL Vin kicks butt in a decent action flick. Not for the testosterone-challenged. 4 stars
9/06/02 BrodieMan I see Oz is pimping his opinion again....... 4 stars
9/01/02 Cannibus (Jesus fucking Christ, it blew!) Excruciating to the very end: understatement. Worthless at best. 1 stars
8/27/02 Christopher High unintentional comedy. Everything else terrible 2 stars
8/25/02 Turkish fuckin worst script i have everseen in a movie and ryan leggett is justa little pussy 1 stars
8/25/02 The Chronic Mastubator Awful film, unfortunately it will rake in the money from idiotic 14 yr old boys. 1 stars
8/25/02 Crunchyfrog Enough with the Korn Bizkit soundtracks please, Hollywood 3 stars
8/24/02 ^ZuLu^ absolutely predictable - but worst of all i got bored by all the action! 2 stars
8/23/02 Headshot "Don´t think movie. Think Playstation!" - It´s a PG 13 action movie so it can´t be better.. 3 stars
8/22/02 Dark Barøn Teenager Bond. And Roger Ebert loved it. I lost respect for him. 1 stars
8/22/02 Phoenix Vin Diesel is the best action hero in movies today. 5 stars
8/22/02 Don McDougald Wow....I wish there was a "0 Star" option...this was worse than crap...it was embarassing 1 stars
8/21/02 BrodieMan Not great, not bad. 3 stars
8/19/02 kooler Great dialogue! "These guys attack those guys, those guys attack these guys. . ." 2 stars
8/19/02 Film Guy This is one of the most ridiculous movies ive ever seen, By far one of the years worst 1 stars
8/18/02 Craig Only the Barney generation could fall in love with this bald, irritating monster! 1 stars
8/18/02 Benjamin Leatherman Best video game I ever saw. 3 stars
8/18/02 Naw Hells No This movie sucks but its Vin Diesel so its good.(People are Stupid people) 1 stars
8/18/02 Kyle There's probably a porn movie with the same name, better acting, and a fucking plot. 1 stars
8/18/02 slipperyK Give me Bond anyday...don't want to see it, the trailer made me puke 1 stars
8/18/02 The Truth Much better than the last two James Bond stinkers 4 stars
8/17/02 Anarchy Azmi best movie ever?...somebody please kill hawkboy....bloody gay movie 1 stars
8/17/02 Chelsea No further comments necessary 1 stars
8/16/02 Chris This movie would have kicked ass... if XXX would have died at the end. 1 stars
8/16/02 Jesus I damn Van Diesel and Hawkboy to HELL!!!! 1 stars
8/16/02 Melis Note to Vin: In XXX 2, take more clothing off. Give us something. Seriously. 1 stars
8/16/02 Goldhammer Bond + Dirty Dozen + Lost Boys + Crow = 100% Gay 1 stars
8/16/02 The Chronic Mastubator This movie will be eaten up by juveniles to come on themselves at the shitty action scenes. 1 stars
8/15/02 Double-M Cheey, no question, but incredibly entertaining 5 stars
8/15/02 MrMagic truth in advertising, hilarious dialogue, you gotta love it 5 stars
8/15/02 Schro Man... when we got out of the theater... all we could say was damn. 5 stars
8/14/02 GOOD sucks all ass 1 stars
8/14/02 wintermute Much better than I thought it would be. I would rather watch VIn than Paul Walker anyday. 5 stars
8/14/02 Dave the Knave An outstanding collection of stunts, explosions and babes, all tied up with a horrific plot 2 stars
8/14/02 Interrog8 Entertaining, but dumb action is still dumb. Want talented Vin Diesel, see Boiler Room. 3 stars
8/14/02 Jeff Kovalski Vin Diesal is an unevolved, pathetic excuse for talent of any kind. 1 stars
8/14/02 Ramblin' Wreck jesus............this crap is what passes for Bond nowadays??? wait till Dec.... 1 stars
8/14/02 ajay mildy amusing, but ultra-cheesy 2 stars
8/13/02 Benjo Supid, stupid, stupid!!! 1 stars
8/12/02 Caiphn This wasn't even entertaining. 2 stars
8/12/02 David A. It's a pathetic, sickening, snotty, phony PIECE! Vin Diesel is a bratty little poser! 1 stars
8/12/02 Mike Exciting flick 5 stars
8/11/02 malcolm good for what it was -- mindless action fun 3 stars
8/11/02 KCK This movie was a bore... the trailers were dumb but exciting but nothing happened in this 1 stars
8/10/02 Ed Roy Scott Weinberg is EXACTLY right. 1 stars
8/10/02 J.D. Semlow XXX has a lot of great action, but is too long and gets too ridiculous. 3 stars
8/10/02 Kooze Hell in a handbasket. I once though Diesel was good. He proves here he's awful. 1 stars
8/10/02 Anarchy Azmi first time i felt asleep during movies 1 stars
8/09/02 TheTalkingElbow VIN... GO BACK TO REAL ACTING BEFORE YOUR CAREER DIES FROM THIS GARBAGE 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  09-Aug-2002 (PG-13)
  DVD: 19-Apr-2005

UK
  N/A

Australia
  12-Sep-2002


Directed by
  Rob Cohen

Written by
  Rich Wilkes

Cast
  Vin Diesel
  Asia Argento
  Samuel L. Jackson
  Marton Csokas
  Joe Bucaro III
  TeeJay Boyce



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