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White Fire
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by Scott Weinberg

"'Cuz we all know that heist flicks improve with heaping doses of incest."
1 stars

White Fire is one incomprehensible low-budget French/Turkish/British production featuring two American B-movie actors, which makes it kind of odd that most characters speak with an Italian accent.

I can’t imagine in what capacity you’d happen to come across this forgotten Z-grade action flick, but if that should happen – here’s what you do: fast-forward to about the thirty-minute mark and let the flick roll; you’ll be treated to some full-frontal female nudity. Once you’re done, you should consider staring at your big toe instead of taking in the rest of the movie.

The first fifteen minutes of White Fire contain some coherence, in that you can actually figure out what’s going on: a brother and sister team of diamond thieves pull off a sly heist with the help of a devious business manager, a portly fence, and some important-looking Italian guy. Then we’re shown a giant diamond called the “White Fire”, a gem so um…powerful…that it burns everyone’s hands when they greedily try to scoop it up. OK, diamond thieves, giant diamond…I see where this is going…

Wrong. Because it’s about this point in the movie that the aforementioned nude scene pops up, and the confusion starts to flow. First off, here’s one sure way to ruin a nice naked scene: show a nubile young woman fully unclothed…and then force her to have an entire conversation with her leering brother!!! Yuck. Not only does the gross slob steal Sis’ towel and stare at her goodies, but he ends the sleazy moment by mumbling “It’s a pity you’re my sister…” Now that’s just gross. It’s a moot point, though, because sister Olga is killed about 7 minutes later, big brother grieves, and then goes out and pays a woman to impersonate his dead sister. And they have sex. Okay, this is not the kind of stuff I need in my action movies.

So for a movie about diamond thieves, there’s a whole lotta latent incest goin’ on. Everything else is a hopelessly jumbled and atrociously edited series of grimy exposition shots, ridiculously unrealistic gore splurts, and nonsensical action scenes. B-movie staple Fred Williamson (From Dusk Till Dawn) has a collection of scenes jammed into the proceedings seemingly at random, while the ever-sweaty Robert Ginty (The Exterminator) assumes ‘leading man’ position and fails at conveying any emotion other than “plain old tired”. The aforementioned Belinda Mayne offers her best moments totally nude; she skinny-dips in the pool, gets out for a shower, withstands that disturbing exchange with her ogling big brother, and then hops back in the pool for more skinny-dipping!

That sequence alone clearly illustrates how much sense this movie makes.

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originally posted: 08/14/02 07:35:45
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User Comments

8/23/13 Julien Best bad movie ever, no similar movie ever seen 1 stars
4/19/03 Eric Malmborg This Movie is by far the worst movie ever made. I've never seen so many obvious flaws 1 stars
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  02-Mar-1984 (R)



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