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Total Crap85.71%

1 review, 1 rating

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Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula
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by Scott Weinberg

"Even worse than the title, if that's possible."
1 stars

If an atrocious movie were intentionally atrocious, does that make it any less painful to sit through? I mean, if I let loose with a vicious fart at a quiet dinner party, yet I clearly farted ON PURPOSE - does that make me a funny guy, or a nauseating slob with bad manners and a disagreeable colon? These are the things I pondered as Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula paraded itself luridly across my television screen.

I knew I was in for trouble when I noticed that the film was directed by Jess Franco (the schlockmeister who has over fifty onscreen pseudonyms listed at the IMDb and filmmaker responsible for such cinematic sludge as Oasis of the Zombies, The Sex Demons, and Lulu’s Talking Ass), and a sense of certain horror crept over me. Franco has directed over 170 movies, and to my knowledge – not one of them could even almost be classified as “good”.

But hey, different strokes and all that. Speaking of strokes, hardcore weirdos may have a few while sitting through Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula, but only if they enjoy plump and unattractive women with faces painted up like the world’s orangest hooker. The movie is 5 or 6 curiously hardcore soft-core lesbian clusterhumps tenuously connected by a laughable pretense of plot. OK, perhaps ‘plot’ is too kind a word, but I don’t know what else to call it when tubby porno actresses turn to one another and start speaking actual words.

Near as I could follow, the film is a mystery involving a few missing naked girls, an evil lesbian who turns into a spider, and a whole lot of exposition scenes inside the universe’s grimiest strip club. You’d think I could recommend a ridiculously bad movie like this just for the nudity, right? Unfortunately much of the female skin on display here is the sort you shield your eyes from, to say nothing of your horrified pecker. If I had to recommend this one to anyone, it would be to prison wardens. Next time a prison riot seems inevitable, just scream ‘Mari-Cookie’ into the PA system and watch peace prevail.

On the upside, we got five actresses who virtually refuse to wear any clothes at all. Yet the skin is delivered in such a garish and wonky style that it’s really hard to work up any good wood. But wood is relative, so I’ll leave it to you to decide. I’ll start with the most horrifying first: <b>Analia Ivars</b> spends the movie spread-eagled on a giant web made of rope. She shows it all, fellas, yet for some reason she reminded me of someone’s grandmother. Ick.

Lina Romay plays both title characters with an admirable hatred for clothes, yet she’s not really any sexier than Analia the Nanny, so let’s move on. Cute-from-far-but-far-from-cute Michelle Bauer prances about the scenery pretending to be a female Magnum P.I. She’s more attractive than most of her co-stars, but that’s what we call ‘damning with faint praise’. Big knockers though.

Amber Newman has a small-yet-nude role, and she’s fairly young (under 35, anyway) – which was a welcome diversion. Last and nearly always least is a brief appearance from the ‘always mired in crap but proud’ Linnea Quigley, whom Z-grade horror fans may remember from just about every Z-grade horror movie ever made. Linnea flashes the cans, but if you haven’t seen this gal’s cans by now, you probably just bought your first VCR last week.

Oh, one last carnal caveat: one of the stripper gals has a whip up her butt which she swings around like a black, fluffy ponytail. I’m pretty sure it was the Grandma lady. Consider yourselves warned.

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originally posted: 09/05/02 15:23:44
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User Comments

5/11/04 Takamura Moshimoto Scott Weinberg you frigging twit, how dare you 3 stars
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Directed by
  Jess Franco

Written by
  Jess Franco

  Lina Romay
  Michelle Bauer
  Linnea Quigley
  Analia Ivars
  Robert King
  Amber Newman

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