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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.33%
Worth A Look: 6.67%
Average: 2.67%
Pretty Bad: 5.33%
Total Crap84%

4 reviews, 51 user ratings

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Swept Away
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by Brian McKay

"I should have ordered the $13.95 spank movie instead . . ."
1 stars

Monday night, after a long twelve hour work day doing network upgrades in our Sacramento branch. I get back to the hotel, only to find that they have quite possibly the shittiest cable channels in existence.

One movie channel, and it was HBO. Not one of the good HBO channels. Not the HBO that shows The Sopranos, and Dennis Miller, and the decent movies. No, I got the one showing a goddamn Freddy Prinze Jr. movie. At least it wasn't Scooby Doo. Thank Christ for that.

I went to take a shower and dry off with my too small and too thin hotel bath towels (I'm not a really fat guy or anything, but give a brutha something to dry off with!). I flipped through the pay per view listings. Regular movies, $11.99? Adult movies, $13.95!?! Good Lord that's a lot of money! How about I get in a ten minute jerk and give you a buck fitty?

Needless to say, companionship of the pornographic kind would not be mine tonight - not at the going rate of $13.95 that can't be itemized on an expense report. The Freddie Prinze Jr. movie was winding down at a meticulously aggravating rate . . . but it was winding down. When I looked up from my book at the start of the next movie, I saw the words "A Guy Ritchie Film".

Oh, fuck yeah. "Which one will it be?", I wondered. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels was my favorite, but I could just as easily do Snatch. Yeah, spend some time with Brick Top and Bullet Tooth Tony and the lads - the evening was shaping up.

"Swept Away"

Oh no. Not this piece of shit. I'd forgotten all about this one. Whichever HBO programmer scheduled this movie for this night, I curse you with the clap or a yeast infection. But it's started now, and I'm in it for better or worse. And it is going to get much, much worse.

In all fairness, I should preface this with the fact that I hate Madonna. She is a numbingly bad actress, her music is as mainstream, generic, and vapid as it gets, and for someone who is supposed to be a huge sex symbol, the modern equivalent of a Marilyn Monroe, she is stupefyingly unattractive. I thought she looked like shit in her 80's ragamuffin Jersey slut motif', and she doesn't look any better now as she enters her leathery Jersey yenta hausfrau phase either. What is the big deal with this woman?

That said, however, I will add one thing in her defense. She could have been a supreme actress, a walking deity of thespian prowess, and she still couldn't have saved this piece of shit from its banal and plodding script, not to mention its uninspired (or rather, coerced) directing. The only reconizable similarity this has to a Guy Ritchie film is the occasional freeze-frame or quick edit in the recognizable Guy style. But even these are so muted, it's as if he put them in there merely to have his signature on it somewhere - then rubbed away at them with an eraser before giving up and resigning to the fact that his name would be attached to this plop of dung forever.

This inept, inane, soulless pile of fetid rancor was made by the same man who brought us two of the coolest films ever? And more than annoyed, or angry, I just felt sad. Sad for what is quite possibly the premature death of a once-brilliant directorial career. What could have happened to make him go so astray?

The answer, my friend, lurks in every other scene of this anal splatterfest.


The material bitch. The Yoko fucking Ono of the film industry. And not only is she dragging her husband down, but everyone else who gets sucked into the whirlpool of his latest projects. I actually lost respect for Bruce Greenwood for sullying himself with the role of the browbeaten and pussywhipped rich husband. And although Adriano Gianni tries to put some life into the part of the verbally abused cruise ship waiter who manages to turn the tables when he and the queen bitch from hell end up stranded alone on an island by contrivance, his character comes off as such a blatant and mugging stereotype of Italian people that it makes Tony and Carmela Soprano look like Ward and June fucking Cleaver.

My final words of advice. To Mr. Ritchie, a man whose former work I enjoy very much - ditch the bitch. Divorce her, arrange for an "accident", it really doesn't matter. Just get her out of your life and your creative processes. And to any other lonely business traveler who happens to see the opening credits of this film on their TV screen - open that moth's nest of a wallet and pony up the $13.95. You'll be out the price of a steak lunch, but you'll go to sleep with a smile on your face.

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originally posted: 12/24/03 17:25:21
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User Comments

11/05/15 David Hollingsworth Not even good enough for a Razzie. 1 stars
2/20/15 Chris Jarmick Stick with original version. This one is dreadful. 1 stars
1/02/12 Linda Apart from beautiful scenery. Tippahorn should of played the lead. Adriano bored me as wel 2 stars
12/18/09 Jeff Wilder Madonna in a Guy Ritchie film. The result could only be a total disaster. And it was. 1 stars
1/21/09 FranSanSamba did not know they could make movies that bad, even if they should trye, and they didnt? 1 stars
1/06/09 FrankNFurter Madonna is worse than Keanu Reeves.That's right...this movie is that bad--not hyperbole! 1 stars
12/17/06 Denise If only this movie would have been filmed during a Tsunami! 1 stars
12/12/04 Robbo This movie sucked an incredible amount of ass... 1 stars
10/03/04 Daveman Pah, what's the point? It looks like I'm only preaching to the converted. 1 stars
8/14/04 Randal King Not enough plot... 3 stars
8/07/04 ELI I wanted a shark to come out of the ocean and eat Madonna 1 stars
7/25/04 Scott Street I love this movie. I mean know one should win an Oscar 4 stars
5/25/04 Ray It is so bad that it scared me!!! 1 stars
5/02/04 Michelle I think I might actually be the only one who liked it. Adriano is talented and sexy too... 4 stars
4/07/04 M big maddy fan, y she get hit so much?? not the best movie but hey its go madonna in it!! 4 stars
2/25/04 Charles Tatum A bad idea to begin with, constant screaming was bad enough 1 stars
12/24/03 Boris the Bullet-Dodger Jill, you ignorant slut. This movie almost sucked as much balls as you do. 1 stars
7/29/03 Asshat Dear God, please make her stop! Wasn't "Shanghai Surprise" punishment enough? 1 stars
7/02/03 James Stephens Script? WHAT script? She's at her best when she's quiet. 2 stars
6/01/03 Rob Hegarty Madonna was good. Guy shouldn't have messed with the script. Don't pan it w/o seeing it. 4 stars
5/27/03 mr. Pink One of the worst movies of 2002, but it is beautifully shot. and Madonna gets slapped a lot 3 stars
5/13/03 Mr. Hat (I'm Back, Mo'fos!!!) Really underrated. It's a Guy Ritchie movie! C'mon! & Madonna's still kinda hot! 4 stars
4/04/03 Jack Bourbon Since I will never see it, I'll just go on and give Madonna's "artistic work" a "Sucks." 1 stars
3/20/03 John Smith 5 stars
3/12/03 God Yep, the movie I've ever seen, and the worst movie ever made, PERIOD 1 stars
3/01/03 snowconehead It's movies like this that really deserves the "Sucks All Ass" rating. 1 stars
2/25/03 Croweater Destined for the DVD/VHS bargain bin at K-Mart near you real soon! 1 stars
2/14/03 Andrew Carden Good Direction, but A Contrived and Overdone Remake. 2 stars
2/07/03 Daniel Painful, unbearable 1 stars
12/27/02 alien assassin Madonna is the most overrated performer since Grace Jones !!!! 1 stars
12/13/02 realitychick Anyone who supports Madonna should get Bitchslapped!! 1 stars
11/25/02 Bob Gerring Pay Modanna to stop. 1 stars
11/20/02 She's Not Even That Good Looking Appalling; I wanted to beat her too. 1 stars
11/11/02 Chiendog A feel-good movie, like a kick in the nuts. What the fuck was Wertmuller thinking? 1 stars
11/10/02 sarcaustic madonna should be desperately seeking another profession before it's 'whos that girl'? 1 stars
11/10/02 Vicious Toy/Electric Crotch This film is laughingly bad. Madonna' stiff, the story's ridiculous. Good to poke fun at. 2 stars
11/07/02 Lady who hates romantic comedies 3 words: MADONNA CAN'T ACT 1 stars
10/30/02 Uncle Salty Actually so bad it could only be worse if it caused cancer. Madonna once hot, is now a hag. 1 stars
10/26/02 Becky This movie sucks more than a three dollar whore on a four dollar cock. 1 stars
10/23/02 Uncle Salty How about you pay me the 9 bucks for the movie, I punch you in the face, & we call it even. 1 stars
10/22/02 Miggy Awful remake...horrible direction, writing... 1 stars
10/20/02 KCobain Nothing redeemable about this trash. 1 stars
10/19/02 Dawn Davenport What a total piece of unwanted trash this was. Swept Away? More like washed up! Ugly rag! 1 stars
10/16/02 judy OH...MY..GOD...WHAT AN EMBARASSMENT 1 stars
10/14/02 Angry Black Man Hey UK! You can keep the bitch!!! 1 stars
10/13/02 Chancey Sugarpants Madonna's such a talentless actress she must've been blowing the director... oh, wait.... 1 stars
10/12/02 Jake I didn't think things could get worse than Next Best Thing. She topped herself! 1 stars
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  11-Oct-2002 (R)
  DVD: 11-Feb-2003



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