Look what washed up with the seaweed! Madonna is a bored, affluent bitch (forced on a vacation with moneybags husband), who decides to make the yacht trip hell for the Italian deckhand.She harnesses the physicality and personality of obnoxious as though it coursed through her veins, and goes the extra mile to incessantly squish Pépé, a/k/a “Pee-pee,” or “Guido.” The tide changes, however, when they become stranded at sea and washed over to a deserted island. Dependent on him now, as she is literally and figuratively stripped, it changes to “Master.” And as her obnoxiousness is deflated, Pépé siphons off from her until he is so passed inflated that they can float off of the island. But naturally, these two rocks erode against each other until the friction jump-starts a flame, which allows our wildebeests to act out their “Lord of the Flies” fantasies. While Guy Ritchie has drastically toned down his general amounts of annoyance and stylissimo, his facelift of Lina Wertmuller’s 1975 original is about as attractive as Madonna looks at docking. Ritchie still sees to it to singe the screen in harsh copper-toned photography and his signature ‘Tude. No amount of time at sea can lessen the egregiousness of this catch. Head overboard, it’s a washout.
With Adriano Giannini, Jeanne Tripplehorn and Bruce Greenwood.[Not to be bothered with.]