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by Scott Weinberg

"Boobs, Bad Acting and Cardboard Swords"
1 stars

Only in a sub-genre that contains such godawful dreck as "Barbarian Queen 2: The Empress Strikes Back" and "Deathstalker 3: The Warriors of Hell" could a cardboard action/jiggle flick like Amazons stand out as marginally recommendable.

Those expecting a movie with actual production value will be woefully disappointed, though fans of low-rent swords ‘n sandals epics will have a ball with misshapen turkey.

That Amazons is a terminally awful piece of filmmaking is a foregone conclusion, but that’s not to say you won’t find moments of unintentional hilarity so profound they’ll move you to tears. Plus there’s lots of bare breasts. We are talking about a movie called “Amazons”, right? Suffice to say there’s a big ol’ angry tribe of butt-kickin’ medieval gals, none of whom are too shy about sticking a spear through a henchman’s neck when he moves in for a closer look at the goods.

The plot is your standard “quest for the lost artifact which is needed to defeat the evil tyrant” schpiel, though this entry is distinguishable from its brethren in that it has a lot more bare breasts. (Oh, did I mention that twice already? It’s fairly difficult to avoid mentioning the issue, since bare knockers seem to be the sole reason for this film’s existence.) We have a topless female Conan gal (named Dyala!) who leads the quest, and her sidekick is an equally half-naked little sprite called Tashi. Dyala and Tashi hate Kalungo, who is clearly evil – despite the prevalence of nude women surrounding him.

Sure, it’s outright crap... but SOMEONE must be itchin’ to see a third-generation Conan rip-off with several near-rape scenes and lots of hilariously inept battle sequences, right? Clocking in at a sparse 72 minutes (which somehow feel like 172) and featuring some of the most hilarious female battle screeches ever captured on film, Amazons seems like a great movie to play during a party in which everyone fully intends on getting extremely drunk.

Unless that category suits your needs, I’d say avoid this forgotten little dud…though it’s still better than Conan the Destroyer.

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originally posted: 04/29/04 14:44:17
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12/05/03 sako total rubbish waste of life watching it 1 stars
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  02-Apr-1986 (NR)



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