It's important to studios that they have a cash-cow franchise they can rely on every few years. Odd then that MGM would treat their legendary James Bond with such low-minded stupidity. Oh wait, movies make MORE money that way. I forgot.Holy macaroni, did I loathe this movie. It’s the Batman & Robin of the Bond series, it’s a compendium of the worst sexual innuendoes ever written, it’s a blatant whore for about six different products, it’s an insultingly written and pandering affront to every quality Bond flick since Dr. No. I’d go out on a limb and call Halle Berry the Yoko Ono of the Bond movies, but there are so many nonsensical atrocities on display in this movie that she hardly deserves all the blame.
Find me a piece of dialogue in this awful film that isn’t A) clumsily presented and choppy exposition (my favorite being when JB dives into a steaming pool of water with a frozen Berry before whining “Wake up! This is warm!”), or B) stunningly banal sex talk, and I’ll show you a Bond fan who’s trying way too hard to defend his beloved hero.
It’s woeful to see how low this series has sunk, and given how much money this dungheap has made I’d say it’s all over for the “grown-up” Bond flicks that some of us still enjoy. The effects are laughable, the action sequences the pinnacle of all things cartoonish (thereby invalidating any attempt at cinematic tension), the villains are astronomically campy and ridiculous, the plot twists telegraphed and uninteresting, the opening song from Madonna an indecipherable melange of beeps and boops, and the stutter-slide direction from Tamahori seems to say “wacky camera angles and sped-up segues make a movie seem slick”.
I digress. If you liked the flick, forgive me; I rarely get this worked up over a rotten movie, but it just bugs me to see what this series has become. Good thing we have stuff like Lord of the Rings and The Matrix to look forward to, because 2002 marks the official end of the Bond series as far as I’m concerned. I feel like I just watched a funeral.Oh yeah, the plot: there is none. Bond gets tortured, searches for torturers, comes across a diamond dealer (with a techno-zappy arm cribbed straight from Innerspace) who's been genetically altered so he doesn't look like the torturer Bond is looking for. No, I'm not kidding.