Alien Intruder

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 12/12/02 15:57:38

"Why use a film studio when you can film in your basement?"
1 stars (Total Crap)

The year is 2022. A group of criminals are sent up on a spaceship to rescue the surviving members of another ship after one of their crewmembers (Jeff Conaway) went berserko and started shooting people. Why send prisoners up to take part in such a mission? Don’t even ask me, I couldn’t tell you.

So the many-time losers are under the control of Commander Skyler (Billy Dee Williams), a nice enough guy that rewards the hard work of his crew by letting them spend periods of time with a virtual reality fuck-toy. But this isn’t any ordinary old fucktoy, this is a machine that can conjure up the scenario that most turns you on and let you play it out in real time. Problem is, the program has an alien virus that has conjured up a raven-haired beauty (Tracy Scoggins) who seems to keep popping up in the fantasies, messing with the minds of the crew and slowly turning them against each other.

From there on, it’s strictly softcore Cinemax time, only with a lot less sex than you’d hope for and a lot worse effects than you’d expect. Billy Dee Williams must have had a big phone bill to pay in 1993 or something, because I’ve no idea how a mainstay of the Star Wars series could allow themselves to appear in a hokey made-for-video sci-fi flick like this for any other reason than money. Jeff Conaway is also too good for this company, but we all know about his problems in the early 90’s – even Robert Downey Jr would have been yelling “Maxwell, dude, you’ve got to chill on the coke, man.”

I’d be lying if I said that I understood the appeal of low-budget cheesy sci-fi flicks like this. The producers seem to make no effort at creating something believable, exciting, marketable, releasable… just slap in a few vaguely recognizable names, bash out a screenplay over a six-hour workday, spend $600 on catering – you’ve got yourself a movie. But why not try a little harder? Why not write something that a studio wouldn’t spit on? Why not spend a few grand more on actors and bring in someone who can really build a character on the screen? Why not avoid shooting the entire film in your boiler room, pretending that it’s the innards of some futuristic spaceship, when we can all plainly see the boxes in the background marked ‘winter clothes’ and ‘nana’s blankets’?

Tracy Scoggins has now found herself a bit of a niche as the ‘attractive space captain’, but if this flick is anything to go by, that niche is very undeserved. Sure, she looks great, but as far as acting goes, let’s just say the wet paper bag is intact.

Hokey dialogue, hokey sets, hokey story, hokey cast, how many more hokey times do you think I can say hokey in this hokey sentence?

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