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Darkness Falls

Reviewed By wintermute
Posted 01/29/03 03:07:37

"The First Time Shouldn't Taste Like Blood"
1 stars (Total Crap)

In a town without children, there lives a ghost without a face. And now, a man without a past must help a boy without a future - in front of an audience without interest.

Remember when you were a kid and you lost a tooth? And then those of you who had parents would put it under your pillow, so that the tooth fairy would take it away and leave you a shiny coin? Remember how SCARY that was?

No, of course you don't because it WASN'T scary, and neither was this movie.

C-list actors don't even do their best to keep this slasher-with-a-supernatural bent from devolving into a ridiculous ballet of swooping puppets, Ghostbusters-era special effects and horrific editing that will leave you completely unable to spatially situate yourself in the film. Yes, that's right, the main villain is an optical effect PUPPET who swooshes into the frame like a cheapo version of the original Headless Horsemen. I don't know who thought making the evil entity gurgle like a retarded Satanic baby would somehow add to the fright factor, but whoever it was I hope he/she was fired and then had their home burned to the ground.

There is a legend, there are child victims who grow up to be adult victims living in Las Vegas, (the city of light, if you aren't catching on to the heavy handed symbolism). There is a creature that can't stand the light and a man who can't stand the dark. There is an absurd love triangle that reminded me of nothing more than a watered down episode of The Red Show Diaries, minus David Duchovny and all the nudity. There is a lighthouse, and since this takes place in Maine, the police driver 80's era Ford Broncos. There is a hospital with one doctor and 8 nurses, and in the end, a ghost somehow catches fire. Whoops, did I spoil it for you?

No, I didn't, because it's highly unlikely you are still awake at this point, either in the review or the actual film itself. The director fell asleep about 1/3 of the way in, and for the rest of the movie the actors took their cues from a stack of flashcards, held up by crewmembers, with random sentences and emotions printed on them. In Hungarian.

The movie was really short. So short, in fact, that I only had time to contemplate suicide once. Having survived to write this review, I almost regret not having taken my own life shortly after opening sequence, if only to escape having lost part of my brain to storing memories of this pale, tumour-infested excuse of a film.

Many people have said that the scariest thing in a horror movie are child actors - well they're wrong. The scariest thing in horror movies is that it took 3 writers to come up with this steaming pile of celluloid excrement and that it was the highest-grossing film on its opening weekend. Don't you people have families to stay home with?

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