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So picture this, right, because you’ve never heard anything this wacky. There are two groups of teenagers – one is stiff and snooty and rich (boo!) and one is all fun and drunken and poor (huzzah!) and they both have to compete in a ski tournament to ensure they don’t get kicked off the mountain.

OH MY GOD! Why hadn’t anyone thought of this storyline before?! Fuck your realistic characters, American Beauty! Stick your special effects where they’ll fit most snugly, Lord of the Rings! Blow your fine acting out your ass, English Patient! SKI SCHOOL IN DA HOOOOUSE!

Okay, all of those reading this review who were genuinely excited by that last few paragraphs, stop reading now, walk into the bathroom and take pills. Anything you can find, no matter what the label says, chuck them back and don’t ask questions. Now run a warm bath and open a vein or two. Now turn the hairdryer on and drop it into the far end of your tub.

Great, that takes care of the retarded kids. Now for the rest of us, don’t rent this movie. Don’t own it. Don’t watch it on TV. Just let it go, forget you ever heard about it. Trust me, any time a filmmaker tries to remake Hot Dog: The Movie and fails to improve on it, you’re looking at a seriously bad time.

After directing this, writing Baby on Board, then writing, directing and starring in Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, Damian Lee disappeared from the world of film for three years. During this time, there was peace on earth, a drop in poverty, disease and unemployment, and freedom reigned. Then in 1994 he was back to produce Death Wish V: Face of Death. It stank really badly, but with the money he made Lee started bashing out low budget crapfests at a hideous rate. Last Resort, Shannon Tweed’s Scorned, Deadly Heroes, The Killing Machine, it’s like this guy actually had the room of monkeys typing away creating random awful scripts that he’d churn out over a weekend. That was 1994, but since then he’s directed, written or produced over 21 feature films, none of which have ever been released on the big screen. Let’s face it kids, Damian Lee is a total hack, and Ski School, as bad as it is, may well be his best work. Yick.

Ever heard of Tom Breznahan? Of course you haven’t. Well, he was one of the ‘hot’ male leads in this film. The other was Dean Cameron, who you also don’t know (unless you have a particular fascination for Summer School, Rockula and Men at Work). The other ‘recognizable’ face in this mess is Patrick Labyorteaux, or as he’s better known, Ram from Heathers (“I love my dead gay son!”). Clearly this is an outstandingly made feature.

“It's not how far you go, it's how go you far.”

What it does have is boobs. Of course, you won’t know the names of the people supplying the boobs, because they’ve never been in movies since. In fact, they’re barred from even watching them. If they go near a Loews, people throw rocks. They are allowed to work in grocery stores, but only if they avoid the sharp equipment at the deli, and only if they wear helmets.

Okay I’m kidding. About the helmets.

Ski School is a sucky flick, but you know what you’re getting into when you slide it into the VCR. The skiing action is average at best, the comedy not very comedic, the girls are pretty but thankfully kept quiet, and there’s a lot of Canadian beer. Skol!

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=6683&reviewer=1
originally posted: 01/08/03 18:01:53
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