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Overall Rating
2.07

Awesome: 9.59%
Worth A Look: 8.22%
Average: 13.7%
Pretty Bad: 16.44%
Total Crap52.05%

2 reviews, 61 user ratings


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Congo
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by Slyder

"“Gorilla” from the Mist meets Harry and the REAL Hendersons!"
1 stars

Michael Crichton you could say was a really hot property back in the 90’s. One of his books, which was about dinosaurs turned out to be the mega-blockbuster smash Jurassic Park. All of a sudden, he was in high demand as he graciously collected the paychecks from the studios while a dozen screenwriters tossed through his catalog and made up the screenplays or potential screenplays out of them. Too bad that unfortunately of all of the movies that were adapted from Crichton books with only a few notable exceptions, ended up being as lame as the previous one or even worse. Case in point, Congo; a sometimes entertaining yet incredibly stupid jack-off of a movie created by and featuring a cast that should have known better.

At Mt. Mukenko in Zaire, Charles Travis (Bruce Campbell) begins transmission towards Houston, Texas where his fiancée Dr. Karen Ross (Laura Linney) and his dad RB Travis (Joe Don Baker) and their company reside. They were yapping about the diamonds they’ve found near there, but then a subsequent transmission goes ape-shit (pun intended) when ape-shit gorillas apparently attacked the team. Mr. Travis then forces Dr. Ross to go into Zaire to find out what happened to the team and to his fiancée, but not because he wants to find his son, NO! HE WANTS THOSE DIAMONDS!! He has to have him or he’s going to be fucked in the ass by his competitors!!! Wow, how EVILZ!!!

In the meantime, at the University of California in Berkeley, Dr. Peter Elliot (Dylan Walsh) is presenting a talking gadget for mute people and applying it to a Gorilla called Amy, and therefore trying to prove that animals can talk. To director Frank Marshall and screenwriter John Patrick Shanley and Crichton himself: Hey guys, next time try coming up with something more original instead of ripping off films like Koko. Anyways, Amy, the girl in the Gorilla suit, I mean… Amy the Gorilla gets nightmares of home and Dr. Elliot decides to take her back home to the jungle, but how's the University going to allow it? Enter crazed Rumanian philanthropy guy Herkemer Homolka (Tim Curry sporting arguably the worst accent job of his career) who has apparently the wad of cash to support the expedition back to the African Congo in Zaire. Wouldn’t you know it, that’s the VERY same place our Dr. Ross is also heading, and would you believe it, she also has a TON of cash from big bad motherfucker Travis Sr. to buy her way in!!! So they land in Zaire, and get greeted by Joe Pantoliano who has a screen presence of 3 minutes combined. He in turn introduces them to Captain Munro Kelly (Ernie Hudson) a Great White Hunter who happens to be Black, get it? Har-dee-fucking-har! So Captain Blackheart leads them into the Congo Mountains and in one of the scuffles with the unfriendly military government, we’re given the twist that Mr. Homolka has actually been using Dr. Elliot and especially Amy, in order to find King Solomon’s Mines and the lost City of Zinj, where tons of diamonds lay to pick up. Guess where Ash from Evil Dead disappeared?

Where to begin? I don’t know whether this film is trying to pay homage to other movies of the past or is just ripping off their ideas and passing them off as their own. Dr. Ross becomes the female version of Indiana Jones, complete with CIA background that gives de ability to sucker-punch someone in the balls. Captain Blackheart and Indiana Ross are also great sharpshooters for they can shoot missiles down with flare guns. Then you got the lost city of Biblical proportions that came straight out of a better movie or better movies, and a precious mine full of diamonds. You do the math on the rip-off scale. But that’s just the beginning of this flick’s troubles. Amy the Talking Gorilla is supposed to be an actual gorilla but behaves like a girl in a gorilla suit. How I know this? Not because I read the credits, which pretty much gives it away, but because Amy does behave like a fucking girl dressed in a gorilla suit and doing things that gorillas usually don’t do! Oh, and that talking gadget, what a moronic piece of shit that is; equipped with the lamest, stupidest, girliest, and most mentally retarded sounding voice ever which completely screws up any moment of dramatic tension. Every time that girl in the gorilla suit waves that fucking thing (she even screws up the sign language, moves her arm up and down in any direction, and it still works!), and utters that voice, I couldn’t help but bust out in laughter.

But wait, it gets even better! Once they reach the Lost City of Zinj, the entire place goes Zing! Suddenly tons of mutant gorillas come abound, killing and destroying everything in their path. This was supposed to be a very scary scene… if it weren’t for the fact that yet again we have assholes dressed in gorilla suits, or should I say reject “Harry” suits from Harry and The Hendersons; hell, I could swear in one of the close-ups of those beasts I managed to see Harry’s face staring at me on the screen. Again I ask, is this a homage movie or a blatant rip-off of other movies? And! And then to top it off, those man-beasts are about to kill our heroes and then suddenly here comes Amy the Gorilla to the rescue, and utters the other goddamn gorillas away; how did she do it?

<mentally retarded girlie voice>
“Bad gorilla! Bad gorilla!”
</mentally retarded girlie voice>

Oh God, take me the FUCK home will ya?!

Hang on though! Indiana Ross gets the laser that her fiancée Ash from Evil Dead dropped behind and starts frying gorilla ass all over, and our heroes manage to escape, barely of course, because the volcano where the city's located at, Mt. Mukenko, managed to conveniently explode as soon as they were leaving, killing Harry and the rest of the Henderson clan all around. And then they go to the wreckage of another plane of yet another fucked up expedition. They dig up a transmitter and radar and even a hot air balloon kit from that wrecked plane and all still in perfect condition (!!!), and soon, Dr. Elliot, Indiana Ross and Captain Blackheart fly away from there, except Amy of course, who manages to reunite with her relatives, and we of course have to suffer the pain and seizures of this fucking film.

Coming from Frank Marshall, an alumnus of the school of Spielberg, it is amazing how lost at sea he is, considering he did a very scary and effective piece of work in Arachnophobia, it’s just incredible to see what a piss-poor job he managed to do here. Why the hell did he and the rest of the cast agreed to do this without reading the damn script? And this is from the guy that wrote Moonstruck! Duh, I guess... Laura Linney in her first major film role, you can tell she’s not enjoying this, and is ready to get out of there as soon as possible. Dylan Walsh is completely lifeless. I guess it sucks to be out-acted by a “gorilla” for sure. Rejoice President Reagan; you are not alone anymore in that field of humiliation! Tim Curry is just fucking awful. What a waste of a character actor and what a humiliating performance from his part; hell, even the name of his character is so hilariously bad! You’d be happy to see him die. Ernie Hudson however, seems to be having fun with his role, despite forgetting to sustain that weird British accent of his from time to time; I guess he knows he’s in a stinker of a movie and is just taking it as it comes. I like Ernie, he’s cool, and I just wish he’d be in better movies. Bruce Campbell, that lucky bastard, gets killed in the beginning, and even gets thrown a severed eye. For a moment, I thought I was watching Evil Dead 2 again; I wish I were, because that movie is 100 times better than this fucking thing. And don’t even start with the FX, they sucked and are nothing worthy of mentioning.

So why did I mention that this movie was at times entertaining? I guess for the simple fact that a movie so bad as this one, despite the fact that it sucks the big ole gorilla ass, can still have its moments of mindless action and cliffhangers that at least will let you find some amusement. Maybe because of the fact that I grew up watching tons of bad movies I was able to find something of that effect. However, don’t expect me to endure this bunch of horseshit again. There’s only so much that my brain cells can take before they explode to smithereens. Congo movie retarded, me kill myself! 1-5

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=707&reviewer=235
originally posted: 07/25/08 14:57:19
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User Comments

9/13/17 morris campbell IT SUCKS 1 stars
7/06/17 Mark Louis Baumgart Not great, but pretty interesting, good journey, pr'bly better than the novel. 3 stars
2/18/13 PAUL SHORTT UNINTENTIONAL LAUGH RIOT 1 stars
10/08/11 Aaron Smith Great sense of the journey. I liked it. 4 stars
1/07/09 Bethany Cox Not that bad! Tim Curry was entertaining! The Solomon Mine scene gives me nightmares! 3 stars
7/26/08 The Dork Knight gave up once i saw the laser gun 1 stars
12/06/06 Captain Amazing Not as bad as they say - but still not great. Good if you like jungle movies. 3 stars
8/10/06 Dragon The Artist This would make a Sci Fi Channel appearance, complete with a visibly animatronic gorilla. 2 stars
1/02/06 cody semi good flick with some elements of story , cool characters, but movie way to ambitious 3 stars
8/17/05 ES Amy likes adventure movie, amy is a good judgeof movies 4 stars
6/03/05 Indrid Cold Laura Linney's wholesome beauty is the only thing this crapfest has going for it. 2 stars
3/18/05 april massaway yr total wrong its cool tthe whole and guts splatting everywhere was sweet/ ransid 5 stars
3/16/05 Ronin not that bad 3 stars
12/27/04 sue b stop eating my seseme cake! 5 stars
11/03/04 Random Flying Chicken I was only impressed by Amy's machine. Everything else can go down the loo. 1 stars
8/01/04 Kathryn Knowlton piece of crap with a monkey that sounds like its retarded 1 stars
7/14/04 Brandon Knight I think it was pretty god dam good. 5 stars
6/10/04 Eric that review is soooo right! holy crap, awesome job 1 stars
4/26/04 Jay Not as bad as everyone makes it out, cheesy at times, has some memorable dialog. 3 stars
11/21/03 Cloey Not even close to the book, but good if you can get past the ugly gray gorilla suits. 4 stars
10/26/03 Kafka THIS IS SO KAFKA.... 1 stars
8/06/03 Double G STOP EATING MY SESAME CAKE, still I HATE MONKEYS !!! 2 stars
6/01/03 leon %%0qwe AMY:AMY ME STOP EATING SESIMIE CAKE!UGLY UGLY BAD BAD STUPID STUPID YOU STUPIDGORILLAGRAY!! 3 stars
5/12/03 Jack Bourbon Not even really a movie. 1 stars
4/02/03 Zach Stop eating my seseme cake. 5 stars
10/23/02 Anastasia Beaverhausen Just because you KNOW Spielberg doesn't mean you can DIRECT 1 stars
8/03/02 Kino first pg-13 movie I saw ( a damn long time ago) so when I saw it it was good. 4 stars
7/27/02 Soulis rent this if you like science fiction, I enjoy dialogue more each time it's on cable 3 stars
11/21/01 colin I love the movie espesily when they find the apes. so stop eat ing my sesame cake! 5 stars
11/21/01 R.W. Welch Unconvincing hodge-podge devoid of believable characters. 2 stars
10/29/01 Andrew Carden It Wasn't That Bad, but It Was Very Boring. 3 stars
5/03/01 chad gentry its cool to see the gorrillas attack the harmless people 4 stars
4/16/01 ChiefAlDog Almost as bad as 'Sphere.' Read Crichton's books, you'll actually learn some cool stuff. 1 stars
4/04/01 J.MORTELL I THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS BETTER THAN THE BOOK 5 stars
2/15/01 KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi Could have been worse...I mean, someone could have urinated on it. 2 stars
12/13/00 The Amazing Rando Call me weird, but I liked this movie. Ernie Hudson plays the best role ever. 5 stars
11/13/00 The EVIL Penguin I wish i giave this ZERO stars. Very awful 1 stars
10/02/00 Madoc69 Don't waste the time / read the book its really great too bad they screw the movie up 2 stars
3/25/00 Richard Wright Utterly preposturous film,you get the feeling one of the featured apes is behind the camera 2 stars
7/07/99 Ben Leostein Rating: *½ (out of ****) Category: "Below Average" 3 stars
4/23/99 J monkeys and sets looked fake. poor adaptation of book. 1 stars
3/16/99 Go Swans Come on people, it wasn't that bad. 4 stars
1/25/99 Chloe Marie Elestenogoph (clatter@hotmail.com) That monkey sure looked fake. The book's better, for sure. 2 stars
12/20/98 Bats Why does Michael Crichton write good novels and then lets them (or himself) be prostituted? 1 stars
12/11/98 Scion of Graveheart Read the novel. Movie sucks more ass than MC Mario's party mixes.(well, some)( 1 stars
11/25/98 Fred This movie sucks like a Hoover. I don't want to give it ONE star. 1 stars
11/23/98 Lord Of The Dunce The thought of giving this even one star is just nauseating. 1 stars
11/02/98 MR HOLLYWOOD !! um.....i liked it....BUT ITS GOT FUCKIN SHOCKING F/X AND ACTORS 2 stars
10/30/98 cyanide rush even ash and frankenferter can't save this one 2 stars
10/18/98 Kwyjibo Terrible, awful, pathetic. Just stupid in every way. Not a skerrick of intelligence. 1 stars
10/13/98 philip id rather suck my mom's clit than see this again 1 stars
10/01/98 Flea Bitten Nut Turds. What a waste of film. 1 stars
9/27/98 katherine suckssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss shittttttttttttttttt 1 stars
9/14/98 Chip Taylor APES THAT R RIPOFFS OF JURASSIC PARK DINOSAURS. 1 stars
9/06/98 Janine read the book 2 stars
9/05/98 Kid Pee-Pee What the hell were they thinking? This was shit on just so many levels. 1 stars
9/02/98 J-Guy Jurassic Park worked! Let's make more effects driven DUNG!!! shitty movie. 1 stars
8/31/98 The Gorilla's mom Even I couldn't enjoy this steaming pile of splatterpoop. 1 stars
8/29/98 Matt I want the time back that i wasted on this movie 1 stars
8/29/98 Miss Stress but tim curry was in it, oh wait he died, nevermind, it sucked. 2 stars
8/28/98 Mister Whoopee This film and "Speed 2" is playing an extended season at the Hell Cineplex. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  09-Jun-1995 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  06-Jul-1995 (M)




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