Worth A Look: 16.42%
Pretty Bad: 17.91%
Total Crap: 41.79%
6 reviews, 165 user ratings
|Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
by Scott Weinberg
Whenever the insipid exposition scenes start to drag, director Simon West cleverly pans down to reveal Jolie's Jouncing Jugs and once again the easily-sated, mainly male audience is hip-mo-tized into thinking they're watching a real movie instead of a $100 million dollar dick-tease no-show table dance. I weep.From the journals of Lord Croft, world-famous explorer and father of a woman with massive breasts:
"This just in: Men like TITS!"
My dearest Lara,
If you are reading this letter, that means I am dead. I know lots of movie letters start exactly this way, but the screenwriters were too busy leering over your cleavage to write anything better.
I'm sorry to tell you that you'll soon be appearing in a new movie, and that movie will be perhaps the most ridiculously generic piece of bland Hollywood "product" ever conceived. It's not your fault, dear. It's a property based on a video game, so none of the filmmakers feel the need to create anything original at all.
The most disturbing news, my beautiful daughter, is that this movie will not focus on your education, your upbringing or even your numerous adventures. This movie will be about your breasts. Both of them. Early and often. 24/7. You get my drift.
Of course I realize the wonderful obsession men have with these glandular regions, but surely there are better ways to spend $100 million bucks than this. Of that budget, I'd wager that about 75 bucks was spent on the script...and most of that 75 bucks was spent on internet access so three trained apes could simply cut-and-paste scenes from the screenplays of other, better films.
I digress. I'm old enough now to know better than to expect more from a big-budget adaptation of a freakin' video game, after all. (I apologize for this, my dear, but I am now contractually obligated to mention your breasts again. It's been two paragraphs.)
I wish you the best with this upcoming movie, but I fear that several intelligent people will see through this infantile sham and correctly label it as one of the stupidest films ever made. Fortunately for you, intelligent people are now more of a minority in America than Native Americans named Slappy are, so I predict a big payday for you and those ridiculously highlighted body parts you got over there.
That letter is an authentic copied reproduction of an article originally printed in The Blatant Use of Hooters in American Cinema. Bottom line here, people? One name kept popping into my head while watching this movie: Pavlov.
This is quite possibly the world's most bland movie. It inspires zero emotion (other than overt boredom). Tomb Raider is as charmless and vacant as it is unentertaining and just plain dumb. Man, would I love to watch this movie with the screenwriters. I'd have them tied to their seats a la McDowell in A Clockwork Orange, and I'd point to various scenes and scream "Now right there! That CLOCK! What's it there for? What's it do? It's real important, right? But she just SMASHED IT! Now what? There's two parts of a triangle that need discovering? THAT'S THE PLOT? Now what? 25 minutes of random babble before another soulless CGI display? Do you think that's been done recently? Did you guys actually write things in the screenplay like 'focus on breasts for 32 seconds' and 'camera pans up from wet cleavage'? Is that guy supposed to be the comic relief? Why are his teeth so ugly? Exactly how many movies did you plagiarize from to write this dreck? AND I DON'T JUST MEAN THE OBVIOUS ONES!"
As far as the acting stuff goes, every single cast member has blurred together in my mind, thereby creating a buxom evil wacky sidekick butler villain guy adventurer girl. (And that's leaving out the characters who are simply dropped from the story mid-stream!) As such, I can only state that the actors are all uniformly bland enough so as not to detract from the real stars of this movie: Boob A & Boob B.
Director Simon West does a great job of showing how little skill he has in directing action sequences. Fortunately, West has filmed nearly three times as many moronic dialogue/exposition scenes and littered them throughout the movie, so you don't have to worry about the three or four action scenes clouding your memory.
(Something creepy I noticed: Apparently it's not a problem to base an entire movie around two large breasts, yet Jolie is forced to wear some flak-jacket bras so no hint of her nipples protrude. I'm not implying that this movie should have been explicit, but why advertise cake and deliver bread? The message seems to be that breasts sure are neat, but definitely not if they're anatomically correct. Weird.)
The Tomb Raider video games are fun to play. But they're not nearly as much fun when you're just watching someone else playing. Now imagine the person you're watching play is a director with more breast fixations than a nursery full of newborns. The coolest thing about the Tomb Raider games was that you could skip through the boring stuff.If you did that with this movie, you'd end up watching the trailer.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=718&reviewer=128
originally posted: 07/02/01 10:50:04