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Overall Rating
2.34

Awesome: 9.45%
Worth A Look: 16.42%
Average: 14.43%
Pretty Bad: 17.91%
Total Crap41.79%

6 reviews, 165 user ratings


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Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
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by Scott Weinberg

"This just in: Men like TITS!"
1 stars

Whenever the insipid exposition scenes start to drag, director Simon West cleverly pans down to reveal Jolie's Jouncing Jugs and once again the easily-sated, mainly male audience is hip-mo-tized into thinking they're watching a real movie instead of a $100 million dollar dick-tease no-show table dance. I weep.

From the journals of Lord Croft, world-famous explorer and father of a woman with massive breasts:

My dearest Lara,

If you are reading this letter, that means I am dead. I know lots of movie letters start exactly this way, but the screenwriters were too busy leering over your cleavage to write anything better.

I'm sorry to tell you that you'll soon be appearing in a new movie, and that movie will be perhaps the most ridiculously generic piece of bland Hollywood "product" ever conceived. It's not your fault, dear. It's a property based on a video game, so none of the filmmakers feel the need to create anything original at all.

The most disturbing news, my beautiful daughter, is that this movie will not focus on your education, your upbringing or even your numerous adventures. This movie will be about your breasts. Both of them. Early and often. 24/7. You get my drift.

Of course I realize the wonderful obsession men have with these glandular regions, but surely there are better ways to spend $100 million bucks than this. Of that budget, I'd wager that about 75 bucks was spent on the script...and most of that 75 bucks was spent on internet access so three trained apes could simply cut-and-paste scenes from the screenplays of other, better films.

I digress. I'm old enough now to know better than to expect more from a big-budget adaptation of a freakin' video game, after all. (I apologize for this, my dear, but I am now contractually obligated to mention your breasts again. It's been two paragraphs.)

I wish you the best with this upcoming movie, but I fear that several intelligent people will see through this infantile sham and correctly label it as one of the stupidest films ever made. Fortunately for you, intelligent people are now more of a minority in America than Native Americans named Slappy are, so I predict a big payday for you and those ridiculously highlighted body parts you got over there.


That letter is an authentic copied reproduction of an article originally printed in The Blatant Use of Hooters in American Cinema. Bottom line here, people? One name kept popping into my head while watching this movie: Pavlov.

This is quite possibly the world's most bland movie. It inspires zero emotion (other than overt boredom). Tomb Raider is as charmless and vacant as it is unentertaining and just plain dumb. Man, would I love to watch this movie with the screenwriters. I'd have them tied to their seats a la McDowell in A Clockwork Orange, and I'd point to various scenes and scream "Now right there! That CLOCK! What's it there for? What's it do? It's real important, right? But she just SMASHED IT! Now what? There's two parts of a triangle that need discovering? THAT'S THE PLOT? Now what? 25 minutes of random babble before another soulless CGI display? Do you think that's been done recently? Did you guys actually write things in the screenplay like 'focus on breasts for 32 seconds' and 'camera pans up from wet cleavage'? Is that guy supposed to be the comic relief? Why are his teeth so ugly? Exactly how many movies did you plagiarize from to write this dreck? AND I DON'T JUST MEAN THE OBVIOUS ONES!"

As far as the acting stuff goes, every single cast member has blurred together in my mind, thereby creating a buxom evil wacky sidekick butler villain guy adventurer girl. (And that's leaving out the characters who are simply dropped from the story mid-stream!) As such, I can only state that the actors are all uniformly bland enough so as not to detract from the real stars of this movie: Boob A & Boob B.

Director Simon West does a great job of showing how little skill he has in directing action sequences. Fortunately, West has filmed nearly three times as many moronic dialogue/exposition scenes and littered them throughout the movie, so you don't have to worry about the three or four action scenes clouding your memory.

(Something creepy I noticed: Apparently it's not a problem to base an entire movie around two large breasts, yet Jolie is forced to wear some flak-jacket bras so no hint of her nipples protrude. I'm not implying that this movie should have been explicit, but why advertise cake and deliver bread? The message seems to be that breasts sure are neat, but definitely not if they're anatomically correct. Weird.)

The Tomb Raider video games are fun to play. But they're not nearly as much fun when you're just watching someone else playing. Now imagine the person you're watching play is a director with more breast fixations than a nursery full of newborns. The coolest thing about the Tomb Raider games was that you could skip through the boring stuff.

If you did that with this movie, you'd end up watching the trailer.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=718&reviewer=128
originally posted: 07/02/01 10:50:04
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User Comments

9/22/17 morris campbell fair flick 3 stars
8/20/12 Quigley I've had better times staring at a wall for an hour and forty minutes. 1 stars
4/08/10 PAUL SHORTT DULL, SILLY ACTION-ADVENTURE 1 stars
8/19/08 Shaun Wallner Loved it Jolie is great! 5 stars
12/14/07 Jason The acting was too wooden and cliched. 3 stars
11/12/07 beau i thought angelina jolie was casted brilliantly as lara coft, an exact replica 3 stars
3/18/07 Donny M Better than Mummy 3 stars
3/16/07 johnnyfog Guess I'm more of an ass guy 1 stars
3/09/06 Dk I liked it. A vibrent energy and style could be found throughout 4 stars
8/20/05 ES Pathetically done movie spawns likely two sequels and then goes away forever 1 stars
5/27/05 tony Horribly SLOW! ZERO ACTION WHATSOEVER! This film should be a drama 1 stars
3/13/05 Ronin I turned it off after 10 minutes. And I am not gay. Go figure... 1 stars
3/07/05 Rock-Steady Instant boner 4 stars
11/22/04 val I loved them both. and if you are a true fan of the game you would love it too. 5 stars
11/19/04 Zeus fake and dumb 1 stars
10/30/04 John Bale Despite Angelina's tits, films don't get much sillier than this. 2 stars
9/21/04 Sneakers I enjoyed it 'cause I didn't take everything seriously, and I love Angelina Jolie. 4 stars
5/24/04 Butterbean Better than the sequel, so it doesn't suck. It had a nice soundtrack. 2 stars
5/12/04 sharon on seeing this movie i have become the fan of angelina jolie 4 stars
3/28/04 Jake Inane, Inept, Mindless, Idiotic and did I mention VERY VERY STUPID 1 stars
12/16/03 Charles Tatum Who needs comprehension when you can blow shit up? 3 stars
12/06/03 john incedibly stupid - bad action - unbelievable and overblown - no heart - yikes! 1 stars
11/25/03 Thiago The first movie is just ok, but Angelina is just AMAZING as Mrs. Croft. 3 stars
11/22/03 jack bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce boucne 2 stars
6/27/03 Nikaelah Time and money wasted. 1 stars
6/22/03 cochese I couldn't make it through the first 5 minutes, no shit. 1 stars
6/17/03 Ghetto Smurf TITTIES! TITTIES! TITTIES! 1 stars
6/11/03 Sylvie Alice Borden Screwball action plot+halfhearted performance by AJ=mildly amusing flick. 4 stars
4/25/03 Cathy ter Plugg More evidence that Angelia Jolie may not be good at anything but interrupting girls. 3 stars
4/09/03 Sugarfoot A total bust! 1 stars
4/08/03 silvercheetah14 Good action 5 stars
3/04/03 Jack Sommersby Crash and burn. 1 stars
2/11/03 Ubu the Ripper Jolie should never make another film after laying this egg 1 stars
1/20/03 Joesco Forget the plot and enjoy Angelina's fantasy action and outfits 4 stars
1/13/03 Goofy Maxwell "Well, hello my name is Simon...R U looking at her boobs? R U? R U? Cheeky monkeys." 2 stars
10/19/02 .Choadushouse. It almost got the title for worst video game movie yet. The only one worse is Double Dragon 1 stars
10/15/02 Kagemaru Should've been R. If I'm paying money to see A.J.'s titties, they could at least be bare 1 stars
10/09/02 Linda Binda I HATE Tomb Raider games: movie's crappiness unsurprising. Good soundtrack. Insomnia cure 2 stars
9/23/02 Mamalapura Isn't it about time to get over the Angelina nincompoopery?! Sweet Jesus, did this suck! 1 stars
8/01/02 lamar ferguson Yo Andy ya sack of shit, what was your mum thinking when she had you?! 1 stars
6/02/02 sdjfsdkjf I waited til video for this. Thank fucking god. I was so bored I switched it off halfway. 1 stars
3/01/02 Chowie my guy friend only liked it because of her tits......i didn't even like those 2 stars
2/28/02 Alan Smithee Terrible. Would have been better as a R-rated film, with lots of A. Jolie nudity. 1 stars
2/20/02 Xaver AbsoLUTEly the worst. Way too much hype for a boring film with an empty lead character. 1 stars
2/14/02 adam kennedy we need to see more of jolie's tits in every movie. because everybody wants to see her tits 5 stars
2/04/02 Jim It ain't Indiana Jones ... 2 stars
12/21/01 Andrew Carden Boring and Unrealistic Video Game-Based Flick. 1 stars
12/21/01 Mister Char Die angelia jolie! I hate this movie, and the game too 1 stars
12/17/01 Jessel What a disappointment 1 stars
11/22/01 BJ the absolute worst!!! 1 stars
11/18/01 J Unsuprisingly not as bad as they say. But it could've been much more than this. 3 stars
11/15/01 Terje McLanly The best action movie so far this year to me. 5 stars
11/06/01 Tim What the ...? the action was great but people go to the movies only to see Jolie... 3 stars
10/20/01 Tam Saw it at a friend's. Relieved I didnt waste any hard-earned cash on it. Manufactured shit. 1 stars
10/14/01 Dan Great film, Jolie does a great job. visually great. 4 stars
10/02/01 Phoenix Jolie is sexy as ever, and the film is the best video game adaption ever made. 4 stars
9/24/01 kristie Douros Fantastic!!!!! thats all I have to say 4 stars
9/15/01 Amber Doney The movie was great. It was one of the best action movies ever. 5 stars
9/10/01 Chrissi I LOVED IT!!! Angelina Jolie is HOT 5 stars
9/01/01 Butterbean I just want to line up West, Massett and Zinman and kick their ass for giving us this shit. 3 stars
8/30/01 Sean Curran Fuck the critics! 5 stars
8/12/01 Dakamus I heard this movie was printed on a thin layer of hardened shit instead of celluloid. 1 stars
8/05/01 Darian Perez Not a great plot, but I suppose that was expected 3 stars
7/30/01 Ro Sho ZZZzzzZZzzz.. !!.... Uh... A bad movie with two good scenes... ZZzzzZZzz 1 stars
7/30/01 Bob jones lots of slow motion running scenes. Is there any man whos ass Laura can't kick? 1 stars
7/29/01 Me Bouncy bouncy bouncy!!! 4 stars
7/28/01 Henry Ginsberg Angelena Joli is seriously fit .It's just a pitty she can't act . 2 stars
7/25/01 Heather Keith It's a video game movie, but a decent one. 4 stars
7/24/01 Lord Raymos Bunch of ripoffs wrapped in an incredibly lame plot. 2 stars
7/22/01 ^Elendil^ TheAngryJew hit it on the head. Pity, because I love the game. 2 stars
7/21/01 viking it wasn't all that bad. Battlefield Earth is a hundred times worse 3 stars
7/21/01 malcolm probably the worst in a wretched summer. didn't think i could get tired of boobs. 1 stars
7/17/01 Obi Wan Saw it again last night....was forced to go....I FELL ASLEEP!!! 2 stars for Jolie. 2 stars
7/16/01 Matthew Bartley The fight scenes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon were just as believeable as this 4 stars
7/15/01 Chris There were only two good things about this movie. 2 stars
7/14/01 yahYah boing, boing, boing 3 stars
7/14/01 officer 412/l thin plotline,seen it all before action scenes,and not too hot acting. but nice tits 2 stars
7/13/01 YelloMiata@AOL.COM I hate fight scenes in which you can't see what's happening. Bad editing. Nice tits! 2 stars
7/13/01 SeStA! Angelina was great-you HAVE to admit, but the plot lacked something needed-and her LIPS!AAH 3 stars
7/12/01 rogue not as good as the hype; not an entire loss.Angelina did a great job;i actually enjoyed it 4 stars
7/12/01 Lucian Loved the Game. Loved Angelina as Croft but, movie needs help. Game/movie not close enough. 4 stars
7/11/01 sarah kerby-eaton love the game, love angie = love the film 5 stars
7/11/01 viking not as bad as it could have been 3 stars
7/09/01 Danielle THIS MOVIE SUX 1 stars
7/08/01 vampyre9mm What's sad is that the director looked at this and thought "damn that's good work!" 2 stars
7/07/01 bullit17 I KNOW I should have hated it. But God help me, I actually kinda enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/07/01 Simeon Briggs I agree, who needs plot, i see boobies, not just any Angelina's. (EVERYONE SHOULD SEE GIA) 3 stars
7/07/01 Adam I actually fell asleep during one of the fight scenes, with speakers pounding all around me 1 stars
7/06/01 Don Not as good as Muumy Returns. Movie only is seen because of Jolie, not enough substance 3 stars
7/05/01 Erin CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 1 stars
7/05/01 Jorge Who needs a plot? I see boobies! 4 stars
7/04/01 The Bomb 69 plot was weak and done before, Jolie made this enjoyable though 4 stars
7/04/01 vpitman As an action flick, it's great. Less cheese than Mummy 2. Jolie snarls well; script sucks. 4 stars
7/04/01 Lois Angelina is kick ass awesome. Move over Linda Hamilton and Sigourney Weaver. 5 stars
7/03/01 luana this movier wroked 5 stars
7/03/01 Brenda The script sucked but Angelina was excellent so fuck all of you who think otherwise,JEALOUS 4 stars
7/03/01 BrainFrz I believe I actually lost brain cells watching the movie! what is beneath Total Crap! 1 stars
7/03/01 Kandy Robertson Entirely too much spandex and not enought plot. 1 stars
7/03/01 Jester219 I can shit a better movie than this 1 stars
7/03/01 Friss pretty disappointing -watch the trailer and save yourself the $$. 2 stars
7/02/01 David J Bell Not bad if you like visual masturbation. 4 stars
7/02/01 bunnie WEll it's not the best movie but if you forget any credibility in reality it's fun 4 stars
7/01/01 chels i liked this movie it was cool angelina jolie was really good in it 5 stars
6/30/01 fishie If you want a movie that feels like a game, this is it. It's just ok. 3 stars
6/30/01 Peter Brook No fun at all. Angelina sure is Jolie, but West (who directed the brilliant Con Air) sucks 2 stars
6/29/01 Onyx What a waste of time and money 2 stars
6/27/01 matthew smith the worst film of the year 2 stars
6/27/01 Dan Otero Lot's of fun, but Lara's breasts are like two seperate characters. 3 stars
6/26/01 Pheonix2029 This is a very action packed joy ride. The non-stop action rocked 5 stars
6/26/01 sexx ed I'd rather have a railroad spike driven through my sack than sit through it again. 1 stars
6/25/01 rebecca what the hell was up w/ her boobs in the 1st scene 2 stars
6/25/01 Optikal Fade I should have opted for the ass-raping by a large inmate named Tiny. 1 stars
6/25/01 Tour1Girl Love to see a female "kick ass" type of action hero for a change 4 stars
6/25/01 Kelano Kekedeko Boringly Drone 2 stars
6/24/01 Jojo Where's Mario and Luigi? 1 stars
6/24/01 Thor-Leo Contrived & charmless 2 stars
6/24/01 Aurelia Angelina is AWESOME!!! this movie kicks ASS!!! :) :) 5 stars
6/23/01 Lydia Cox It's okay, for an action movie. But Angelina Jolie is a great actress. 3 stars
6/23/01 Wannabe Optimistic I wanted to be positive, but nope. This movie put me to sleep. 1 stars
6/23/01 Gary Jolie makes for a dynamic and energetic lead, unlike the rest of the movie. 2 stars
6/23/01 Brian Spend a little less on special effects, and Pay for a screen writer. 3 stars
6/23/01 Mary Forester I went to the theatre to be entertained; I was, but I wouldn't write home about it. 3 stars
6/22/01 Melanie It was cool. Not bad, not great...but it was worth seeing. 4 stars
6/22/01 brent young people are too harsh. jolie is a nice (& hot) lead, the action is good too. popcorn flick. 4 stars
6/22/01 brentley Wealthy Charlie's Angel meets Indiana Jones 3 stars
6/22/01 Melissa in NYC Her breasts moved me.....right on out the door! What a terrible P.O.S.! 1 stars
6/21/01 Steve Havent seen it, but its based on a video game. Did anyone think it would be good? Really? 1 stars
6/21/01 Gizzy It was fun while it lasted 3 stars
6/21/01 svetlana well...i laughed every time i saw her larger-than-barbie's breasts... 1 stars
6/21/01 Mongolian Beef I saw the movie bone sober and it sucked. I saw it again drunk and I liked it. 5 stars
6/21/01 Mr. Char An utter piece of shit, stop making movies based on video games hollywood! 1 stars
6/21/01 Chromag I went into it expecting a video game and Angelina's two friends, and got exactly that. 4 stars
6/20/01 Ron saw it for free, a mindless fun 3 stars
6/20/01 Jason there was a lot of eye candy...and the special effects and action sequences weren't bad... 4 stars
6/20/01 beast a dissapointment. 1 stars
6/20/01 Jenni This movie SUCKED!!! The effects lacked everything. And you feel nothing for the characters 1 stars
6/20/01 Melissa in NYC Jugs, ta-tas, tities, the ladies, headlights, hooters, big 'uns-and that's all there is. 1 stars
6/20/01 Ada Jane Sucked in every conceivable way, and biggest crime of all, NOT FUNNY! 1 stars
6/19/01 Portmaniac It meant to be fun...but WASN'T!Gave me a headache & was huge waste of time.Pls no sequel. 1 stars
6/19/01 This review's better than the other crap by Greg (Something) This movie was meant to be fun, not an oscar-winning movie... Jeez, give it a break! 5 stars
6/19/01 jode It Rocks! 5 stars
6/19/01 Julia Harsh Much? IT IS A MOVIE, A.K.A. Entertainment. Fun. Make Believe. Use your imagination 4 stars
6/19/01 Dan Who would believe you could kill all those soldiers with a rubber band and wall walking. 3 stars
6/18/01 MaG it not that bad 3 stars
6/18/01 Michael One of the better video game to movie translations 4 stars
6/18/01 Mary Agree completely-nothing real but real father,John Voight 1 stars
6/18/01 Quack1701 Fun movie. Would have prefered more of her solo in the Tombs (or some T&A). Go see it! 4 stars
6/18/01 Richard Hendricks Boring, dull, slow, not enough T&A, way too much dialogie...Mortal Kombat didn't suck eithe 1 stars
6/18/01 voyant Not the best summer movie, but an enjoyable way to spend a few hours. 4 stars
6/18/01 Haha Has more soul than Pearl Harbor though 1 stars
6/18/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) Repeat after me: IT'S A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER!! Good fuck, people... 4 stars
6/18/01 Carolyn Ford Absolutely, positively the worst movie I've ever seen, and that includes Tidal Wave. 1 stars
6/18/01 D. Jah-Voo i think Eric Cartman has half of the magic triangle 1 stars
6/17/01 Anne I liked it..it isn't supposed to be a sophisticated plot just eye candy. 3 stars
6/16/01 Finity i enjoyed it damnit 4 stars
6/16/01 Roy Smith I you like poorly edited action and cheesy sets this MST3K quality film is for you! 2 stars
6/16/01 Nathan Porter Greg couldn't be more right on. The movie is so empty. Major letdown! 1 stars
6/16/01 rue the whirl I didn't even achieve an erection 1 stars
6/16/01 meh A fun movie doesn't have to be stupid. This movie is stupid. 1 stars
6/16/01 Danny Greg go out and get a life. This movie isn't about trying to find symbolsm inLaras breasts 5 stars
6/16/01 Ever hear of enjoying a film, you nit-picking asshole? Greg is in all honesty, a mindless, impotent dickhead who was expecting an Oscar movie. 4 stars
6/16/01 John Y Even with Angelina Jolie's bouncing breasts, this movie was as mindless as the Mummy 3 stars
6/16/01 ERIC SHADRACK Typical pathetic excuse for a Hollywood property-driven movie. More wretched than usual. 1 stars
6/16/01 yuoiyuoyu Simply Terrible! Video game movies never work 1 stars
6/14/01 Jeremy Cookston Its all in the boobs 5 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  15-Jun-2001 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  21-Jun-2001 (M)


Directed by
  Simon West

Written by
  Patrick Massett
  John Zinman

Cast
  Angelina Jolie
  Jon Voight
  Daniel Craig
  Iain Glen
  Noah Taylor
  Rachel Appleton



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