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Overall Rating
2.34

Awesome: 9.45%
Worth A Look: 16.42%
Average: 14.43%
Pretty Bad: 17.91%
Total Crap41.79%

6 reviews, 165 user ratings


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Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Greg Muskewitz

"It belongs buried in a tomb, never to be recovered or remembered."
1 stars

There’s no simpler way to say this: “Tomb Raider” — or as it has more recently been changed to, “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,” is one of the worst excuses for an action movie that I have ever seen. This ranks among some of the lowest, most excruciating experiences that I have ever had to endure (and I stayed all the way through it, too.) As this blatantly rips off innumerable sequences from the movies, good or bad, that the director must have watched right before filming this, it’s embarrassing to those movies as well. Alas, there are no redeeming qualities when it comes to “Tomb Raider,” and I’m sure the word will leak fast.

To start off with, there is no real story to speak of. “Tomb Raider” was a popular computer game, much like “Resident Evil,” “Doom” or “Final Fantasy” are popular videogames. I’ve never actually played any of those games; even though they are something that “belongs” to my generation, I was never very fond of all of those computer and videogames by the time I was out of elementary school. But the idea behind the game of “Tomb Raider” as I have been told, is that as Lara Croft you raid tombs in search for certain items and keys and what-not. Nothing all too special there. From the game, it took three people, Sara B. Cooper, Mike Werb and Michael Colleary, to write the story. At that point, the director Simon West (“Con Air,” “The General’s Daughter”) adapted it himself, and from there Patrick Massett and John Zinman are credited with the final shooting script. They all should be drawn and quartered.

One reason that “Tomb Raider” has been making noise — aside from that fact that Angelina Jolie is the star (nothing to brag about, really), is that the movie is reinventing the action genre, particularly for women. That is one of the biggest crocks of defecation I have ever heard, and can attest to the complete opposite! As she lives in a giant gothic castle with no one but her butler, who is “only trying to turn you into a lady,” and the gadgets nerd, the character of Croft is nothing but a man with breasts and long hair. The role was written as a man character with the physical characteristics of a woman, that’s all.

There really is no story to follow, but rather a thinly threaded continuation from scene to scene of non-linear and non-sequitar ideas, connected only because the same characters keep showing up again. Lara’s impasse has long been the “disappearance” of her father (her real father, Jon Voight). A conflict arises when two pieces of a magical triangle that have the power to control time are being sought after by a supposed villain. Of course, all of this must be dictated by a limited amount of time: if the pieces aren't connected and delivered to the right place before the eclipse, they’ll have to wait another 5,000 years. The movie could have been quashed about 30 to 45-minutes into it when Lara possessed the first half, and had she destroyed it, even if the villain would have found the second half, it wouldn’t have mattered. However, because of selfish reasons to get her father back (he lied to her anyway), she allows the whole charade to happen. All of this was (supposed) to lead to a grand finale.

The motivation for everything that was going on at any time was non-existent. Their mouths were moving, but nothing was coming out. You don’t have to worry about any arcane references to the game, but you’ll still wonder “what the hell are they talking about.” None of the dialogue means anything, and it hardly counts towards anything that develops from it. Added to the fact that no one could do an English accent worth a damn, the movie might as well have been muted, because there would have been no stupidity to have to listen to. Really, what was Jolie (and Voight, considering that they’re the only real performers in this, which obviously means very little) thinking when she accepted the role? This was like a third generation copy of “Charlie’s Angels,” which I would gladly take any day of the week. It uses the leftover double entendres and sex appeal and makes it repulsive. “Charlie’s Angels” already showed that girls could be heroes that are equally as fun to watch as Schwarzenegger or Crowe, no less with three women. “Tomb Raider” can’t even do it with one! Among other movies that it outright steals scenes from are: “Mission: Impossible” (hanging from the bungee-cord right over the floor), “Mission: Impossible II” (the motorcycling), “Sinbad and the Seven Seas” (sword-battling with an animated creature that really isn’t there), “Indiana Jones” (any time they step inside a cave), “The Matrix” (freeze-framing, or slowing the frames down), “Austin Powers” (hiding genitals, uncleverly I must add) and “The Fugitive” (she dives off from a waterfall at gun point) just to name some of the most easily observable.

Nothing is the real thing. It promises to create a new type of hero. It doesn’t. It promises action. It doesn’t deliver. One thing it does provide is one of the weakest, least threatening villains in all of screen history. I don’t know what the budget was, but the actually production was quite shoddy. If not too obvious by the lack of recruited talent, the sets were hollow, the costumes cheap, and the effects very weak. And even when there is one that appears semi-impressive, West throws it all away. There's no time to become excited or pumped-up by an action scene; before it even begins to get suspenseful, the fight sequence is over. West never had this problem with his other two features, though he had already toned it down a bit for “The General’s Daughter,” “Tomb Raider” should have been nothing more than an excuse for action. Instead we get a convoluted barf-bowl of racing against a clock that is broken internally. “Tomb Raider” is the type of movie with a decent assemblage of musical talent for the soundtrack (Moby, Nine Inch Nails, Missy Elliott, Fatboy Slim, etc.) but their songs end up playing muted in the background at some inappropriate time.

The action reeks altogether for being such a genre movie. Let’s take two scenes (or two parts of one scene) to illustrate just how stupid it is. A buttress swings back and forth and must reach a “lock.” I’m only guessing here, but that buttress must weight at least 10 tons, and yet Jolie leaps on top of it, and using reigns and her weight, forces it to meet the lock. And when the tribunal-like monster comes alive (the only thing that looked good in the entire movie), and Jolie jump kicks the buttress to sway it off of course and puncture the behemoth. GIVE ME A BREAK! Angelina Jolie could have jump kicked a regular solid door and it wouldn’t have budged. Lara Croft is not a super-hero, she’s a regular human being, so there is no validity to this increased strength. Or even better yet, when rock/concrete monsters come alive and the tomb raiders are battling them, a kick from the humans packs more of a wallop then the monsters and they crumble to dust. Since when is human bone stronger than solid rock? Try kicking a tree as hard as you can and see if you don’t walk away at the very least unbruised. The ending (trying to be humorous? more like humorless) where she dawns a dress and wants to be a lady is just as preposterous and unswallowable as the rest. Something like this isn’t fun to sit through because there’s nothing to deter your interest or reclaim your time. It’s just really tacky and inexcusable. I doubt Sony would have even wanted to soil David Manning’s “name” with a quote on the poster. (Yes, I know this is Paramount, but you get what I mean.)

With Iain Glen, Noah Taylor and Daniel Craig.

Final Verdict: F.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=718&reviewer=172
originally posted: 06/16/01 06:23:17
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User Comments

9/22/17 morris campbell fair flick 3 stars
8/20/12 Quigley I've had better times staring at a wall for an hour and forty minutes. 1 stars
4/08/10 PAUL SHORTT DULL, SILLY ACTION-ADVENTURE 1 stars
8/19/08 Shaun Wallner Loved it Jolie is great! 5 stars
12/14/07 Jason The acting was too wooden and cliched. 3 stars
11/12/07 beau i thought angelina jolie was casted brilliantly as lara coft, an exact replica 3 stars
3/18/07 Donny M Better than Mummy 3 stars
3/16/07 johnnyfog Guess I'm more of an ass guy 1 stars
3/09/06 Dk I liked it. A vibrent energy and style could be found throughout 4 stars
8/20/05 ES Pathetically done movie spawns likely two sequels and then goes away forever 1 stars
5/27/05 tony Horribly SLOW! ZERO ACTION WHATSOEVER! This film should be a drama 1 stars
3/13/05 Ronin I turned it off after 10 minutes. And I am not gay. Go figure... 1 stars
3/07/05 Rock-Steady Instant boner 4 stars
11/22/04 val I loved them both. and if you are a true fan of the game you would love it too. 5 stars
11/19/04 Zeus fake and dumb 1 stars
10/30/04 John Bale Despite Angelina's tits, films don't get much sillier than this. 2 stars
9/21/04 Sneakers I enjoyed it 'cause I didn't take everything seriously, and I love Angelina Jolie. 4 stars
5/24/04 Butterbean Better than the sequel, so it doesn't suck. It had a nice soundtrack. 2 stars
5/12/04 sharon on seeing this movie i have become the fan of angelina jolie 4 stars
3/28/04 Jake Inane, Inept, Mindless, Idiotic and did I mention VERY VERY STUPID 1 stars
12/16/03 Charles Tatum Who needs comprehension when you can blow shit up? 3 stars
12/06/03 john incedibly stupid - bad action - unbelievable and overblown - no heart - yikes! 1 stars
11/25/03 Thiago The first movie is just ok, but Angelina is just AMAZING as Mrs. Croft. 3 stars
11/22/03 jack bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce boucne 2 stars
6/27/03 Nikaelah Time and money wasted. 1 stars
6/22/03 cochese I couldn't make it through the first 5 minutes, no shit. 1 stars
6/17/03 Ghetto Smurf TITTIES! TITTIES! TITTIES! 1 stars
6/11/03 Sylvie Alice Borden Screwball action plot+halfhearted performance by AJ=mildly amusing flick. 4 stars
4/25/03 Cathy ter Plugg More evidence that Angelia Jolie may not be good at anything but interrupting girls. 3 stars
4/09/03 Sugarfoot A total bust! 1 stars
4/08/03 silvercheetah14 Good action 5 stars
3/04/03 Jack Sommersby Crash and burn. 1 stars
2/11/03 Ubu the Ripper Jolie should never make another film after laying this egg 1 stars
1/20/03 Joesco Forget the plot and enjoy Angelina's fantasy action and outfits 4 stars
1/13/03 Goofy Maxwell "Well, hello my name is Simon...R U looking at her boobs? R U? R U? Cheeky monkeys." 2 stars
10/19/02 .Choadushouse. It almost got the title for worst video game movie yet. The only one worse is Double Dragon 1 stars
10/15/02 Kagemaru Should've been R. If I'm paying money to see A.J.'s titties, they could at least be bare 1 stars
10/09/02 Linda Binda I HATE Tomb Raider games: movie's crappiness unsurprising. Good soundtrack. Insomnia cure 2 stars
9/23/02 Mamalapura Isn't it about time to get over the Angelina nincompoopery?! Sweet Jesus, did this suck! 1 stars
8/01/02 lamar ferguson Yo Andy ya sack of shit, what was your mum thinking when she had you?! 1 stars
6/02/02 sdjfsdkjf I waited til video for this. Thank fucking god. I was so bored I switched it off halfway. 1 stars
3/01/02 Chowie my guy friend only liked it because of her tits......i didn't even like those 2 stars
2/28/02 Alan Smithee Terrible. Would have been better as a R-rated film, with lots of A. Jolie nudity. 1 stars
2/20/02 Xaver AbsoLUTEly the worst. Way too much hype for a boring film with an empty lead character. 1 stars
2/14/02 adam kennedy we need to see more of jolie's tits in every movie. because everybody wants to see her tits 5 stars
2/04/02 Jim It ain't Indiana Jones ... 2 stars
12/21/01 Andrew Carden Boring and Unrealistic Video Game-Based Flick. 1 stars
12/21/01 Mister Char Die angelia jolie! I hate this movie, and the game too 1 stars
12/17/01 Jessel What a disappointment 1 stars
11/22/01 BJ the absolute worst!!! 1 stars
11/18/01 J Unsuprisingly not as bad as they say. But it could've been much more than this. 3 stars
11/15/01 Terje McLanly The best action movie so far this year to me. 5 stars
11/06/01 Tim What the ...? the action was great but people go to the movies only to see Jolie... 3 stars
10/20/01 Tam Saw it at a friend's. Relieved I didnt waste any hard-earned cash on it. Manufactured shit. 1 stars
10/14/01 Dan Great film, Jolie does a great job. visually great. 4 stars
10/02/01 Phoenix Jolie is sexy as ever, and the film is the best video game adaption ever made. 4 stars
9/24/01 kristie Douros Fantastic!!!!! thats all I have to say 4 stars
9/15/01 Amber Doney The movie was great. It was one of the best action movies ever. 5 stars
9/10/01 Chrissi I LOVED IT!!! Angelina Jolie is HOT 5 stars
9/01/01 Butterbean I just want to line up West, Massett and Zinman and kick their ass for giving us this shit. 3 stars
8/30/01 Sean Curran Fuck the critics! 5 stars
8/12/01 Dakamus I heard this movie was printed on a thin layer of hardened shit instead of celluloid. 1 stars
8/05/01 Darian Perez Not a great plot, but I suppose that was expected 3 stars
7/30/01 Ro Sho ZZZzzzZZzzz.. !!.... Uh... A bad movie with two good scenes... ZZzzzZZzz 1 stars
7/30/01 Bob jones lots of slow motion running scenes. Is there any man whos ass Laura can't kick? 1 stars
7/29/01 Me Bouncy bouncy bouncy!!! 4 stars
7/28/01 Henry Ginsberg Angelena Joli is seriously fit .It's just a pitty she can't act . 2 stars
7/25/01 Heather Keith It's a video game movie, but a decent one. 4 stars
7/24/01 Lord Raymos Bunch of ripoffs wrapped in an incredibly lame plot. 2 stars
7/22/01 ^Elendil^ TheAngryJew hit it on the head. Pity, because I love the game. 2 stars
7/21/01 viking it wasn't all that bad. Battlefield Earth is a hundred times worse 3 stars
7/21/01 malcolm probably the worst in a wretched summer. didn't think i could get tired of boobs. 1 stars
7/17/01 Obi Wan Saw it again last night....was forced to go....I FELL ASLEEP!!! 2 stars for Jolie. 2 stars
7/16/01 Matthew Bartley The fight scenes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon were just as believeable as this 4 stars
7/15/01 Chris There were only two good things about this movie. 2 stars
7/14/01 yahYah boing, boing, boing 3 stars
7/14/01 officer 412/l thin plotline,seen it all before action scenes,and not too hot acting. but nice tits 2 stars
7/13/01 YelloMiata@AOL.COM I hate fight scenes in which you can't see what's happening. Bad editing. Nice tits! 2 stars
7/13/01 SeStA! Angelina was great-you HAVE to admit, but the plot lacked something needed-and her LIPS!AAH 3 stars
7/12/01 rogue not as good as the hype; not an entire loss.Angelina did a great job;i actually enjoyed it 4 stars
7/12/01 Lucian Loved the Game. Loved Angelina as Croft but, movie needs help. Game/movie not close enough. 4 stars
7/11/01 sarah kerby-eaton love the game, love angie = love the film 5 stars
7/11/01 viking not as bad as it could have been 3 stars
7/09/01 Danielle THIS MOVIE SUX 1 stars
7/08/01 vampyre9mm What's sad is that the director looked at this and thought "damn that's good work!" 2 stars
7/07/01 bullit17 I KNOW I should have hated it. But God help me, I actually kinda enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/07/01 Simeon Briggs I agree, who needs plot, i see boobies, not just any Angelina's. (EVERYONE SHOULD SEE GIA) 3 stars
7/07/01 Adam I actually fell asleep during one of the fight scenes, with speakers pounding all around me 1 stars
7/06/01 Don Not as good as Muumy Returns. Movie only is seen because of Jolie, not enough substance 3 stars
7/05/01 Erin CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 1 stars
7/05/01 Jorge Who needs a plot? I see boobies! 4 stars
7/04/01 The Bomb 69 plot was weak and done before, Jolie made this enjoyable though 4 stars
7/04/01 vpitman As an action flick, it's great. Less cheese than Mummy 2. Jolie snarls well; script sucks. 4 stars
7/04/01 Lois Angelina is kick ass awesome. Move over Linda Hamilton and Sigourney Weaver. 5 stars
7/03/01 luana this movier wroked 5 stars
7/03/01 Brenda The script sucked but Angelina was excellent so fuck all of you who think otherwise,JEALOUS 4 stars
7/03/01 BrainFrz I believe I actually lost brain cells watching the movie! what is beneath Total Crap! 1 stars
7/03/01 Kandy Robertson Entirely too much spandex and not enought plot. 1 stars
7/03/01 Jester219 I can shit a better movie than this 1 stars
7/03/01 Friss pretty disappointing -watch the trailer and save yourself the $$. 2 stars
7/02/01 David J Bell Not bad if you like visual masturbation. 4 stars
7/02/01 bunnie WEll it's not the best movie but if you forget any credibility in reality it's fun 4 stars
7/01/01 chels i liked this movie it was cool angelina jolie was really good in it 5 stars
6/30/01 fishie If you want a movie that feels like a game, this is it. It's just ok. 3 stars
6/30/01 Peter Brook No fun at all. Angelina sure is Jolie, but West (who directed the brilliant Con Air) sucks 2 stars
6/29/01 Onyx What a waste of time and money 2 stars
6/27/01 matthew smith the worst film of the year 2 stars
6/27/01 Dan Otero Lot's of fun, but Lara's breasts are like two seperate characters. 3 stars
6/26/01 Pheonix2029 This is a very action packed joy ride. The non-stop action rocked 5 stars
6/26/01 sexx ed I'd rather have a railroad spike driven through my sack than sit through it again. 1 stars
6/25/01 rebecca what the hell was up w/ her boobs in the 1st scene 2 stars
6/25/01 Optikal Fade I should have opted for the ass-raping by a large inmate named Tiny. 1 stars
6/25/01 Tour1Girl Love to see a female "kick ass" type of action hero for a change 4 stars
6/25/01 Kelano Kekedeko Boringly Drone 2 stars
6/24/01 Jojo Where's Mario and Luigi? 1 stars
6/24/01 Thor-Leo Contrived & charmless 2 stars
6/24/01 Aurelia Angelina is AWESOME!!! this movie kicks ASS!!! :) :) 5 stars
6/23/01 Lydia Cox It's okay, for an action movie. But Angelina Jolie is a great actress. 3 stars
6/23/01 Wannabe Optimistic I wanted to be positive, but nope. This movie put me to sleep. 1 stars
6/23/01 Gary Jolie makes for a dynamic and energetic lead, unlike the rest of the movie. 2 stars
6/23/01 Brian Spend a little less on special effects, and Pay for a screen writer. 3 stars
6/23/01 Mary Forester I went to the theatre to be entertained; I was, but I wouldn't write home about it. 3 stars
6/22/01 Melanie It was cool. Not bad, not great...but it was worth seeing. 4 stars
6/22/01 brent young people are too harsh. jolie is a nice (& hot) lead, the action is good too. popcorn flick. 4 stars
6/22/01 brentley Wealthy Charlie's Angel meets Indiana Jones 3 stars
6/22/01 Melissa in NYC Her breasts moved me.....right on out the door! What a terrible P.O.S.! 1 stars
6/21/01 Steve Havent seen it, but its based on a video game. Did anyone think it would be good? Really? 1 stars
6/21/01 Gizzy It was fun while it lasted 3 stars
6/21/01 svetlana well...i laughed every time i saw her larger-than-barbie's breasts... 1 stars
6/21/01 Mongolian Beef I saw the movie bone sober and it sucked. I saw it again drunk and I liked it. 5 stars
6/21/01 Mr. Char An utter piece of shit, stop making movies based on video games hollywood! 1 stars
6/21/01 Chromag I went into it expecting a video game and Angelina's two friends, and got exactly that. 4 stars
6/20/01 Ron saw it for free, a mindless fun 3 stars
6/20/01 Jason there was a lot of eye candy...and the special effects and action sequences weren't bad... 4 stars
6/20/01 beast a dissapointment. 1 stars
6/20/01 Jenni This movie SUCKED!!! The effects lacked everything. And you feel nothing for the characters 1 stars
6/20/01 Melissa in NYC Jugs, ta-tas, tities, the ladies, headlights, hooters, big 'uns-and that's all there is. 1 stars
6/20/01 Ada Jane Sucked in every conceivable way, and biggest crime of all, NOT FUNNY! 1 stars
6/19/01 Portmaniac It meant to be fun...but WASN'T!Gave me a headache & was huge waste of time.Pls no sequel. 1 stars
6/19/01 This review's better than the other crap by Greg (Something) This movie was meant to be fun, not an oscar-winning movie... Jeez, give it a break! 5 stars
6/19/01 jode It Rocks! 5 stars
6/19/01 Julia Harsh Much? IT IS A MOVIE, A.K.A. Entertainment. Fun. Make Believe. Use your imagination 4 stars
6/19/01 Dan Who would believe you could kill all those soldiers with a rubber band and wall walking. 3 stars
6/18/01 MaG it not that bad 3 stars
6/18/01 Michael One of the better video game to movie translations 4 stars
6/18/01 Mary Agree completely-nothing real but real father,John Voight 1 stars
6/18/01 Quack1701 Fun movie. Would have prefered more of her solo in the Tombs (or some T&A). Go see it! 4 stars
6/18/01 Richard Hendricks Boring, dull, slow, not enough T&A, way too much dialogie...Mortal Kombat didn't suck eithe 1 stars
6/18/01 voyant Not the best summer movie, but an enjoyable way to spend a few hours. 4 stars
6/18/01 Haha Has more soul than Pearl Harbor though 1 stars
6/18/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) Repeat after me: IT'S A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER!! Good fuck, people... 4 stars
6/18/01 Carolyn Ford Absolutely, positively the worst movie I've ever seen, and that includes Tidal Wave. 1 stars
6/18/01 D. Jah-Voo i think Eric Cartman has half of the magic triangle 1 stars
6/17/01 Anne I liked it..it isn't supposed to be a sophisticated plot just eye candy. 3 stars
6/16/01 Finity i enjoyed it damnit 4 stars
6/16/01 Roy Smith I you like poorly edited action and cheesy sets this MST3K quality film is for you! 2 stars
6/16/01 Nathan Porter Greg couldn't be more right on. The movie is so empty. Major letdown! 1 stars
6/16/01 rue the whirl I didn't even achieve an erection 1 stars
6/16/01 meh A fun movie doesn't have to be stupid. This movie is stupid. 1 stars
6/16/01 Danny Greg go out and get a life. This movie isn't about trying to find symbolsm inLaras breasts 5 stars
6/16/01 Ever hear of enjoying a film, you nit-picking asshole? Greg is in all honesty, a mindless, impotent dickhead who was expecting an Oscar movie. 4 stars
6/16/01 John Y Even with Angelina Jolie's bouncing breasts, this movie was as mindless as the Mummy 3 stars
6/16/01 ERIC SHADRACK Typical pathetic excuse for a Hollywood property-driven movie. More wretched than usual. 1 stars
6/16/01 yuoiyuoyu Simply Terrible! Video game movies never work 1 stars
6/14/01 Jeremy Cookston Its all in the boobs 5 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  15-Jun-2001 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  21-Jun-2001 (M)


Directed by
  Simon West

Written by
  Patrick Massett
  John Zinman

Cast
  Angelina Jolie
  Jon Voight
  Daniel Craig
  Iain Glen
  Noah Taylor
  Rachel Appleton



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