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Overall Rating
2.34

Awesome: 9.5%
Worth A Look: 16.5%
Average: 14%
Pretty Bad: 18%
Total Crap42%

6 reviews, 164 user ratings


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Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
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by Rob Gonsalves

"Stupid even by video-game standards."
1 stars

The video-game movie adaptation is a peculiarly degraded subgenre, with a pedigree that includes 'Double Dragon,' 'Super Mario Bros.,' 'Street Fighter,' and two 'Mortal Kombat' films. I haven't seen any of the earlier ones, but it's hard to believe they could've been worse than 'Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.'

Even by video-game-movie standards, this is an arrogantly, almost smugly empty and incoherent mess. Couldn't this have been a surprise? Couldn't it have been smarter and more fun than we expected? Is this really what Hollywood thinks we want, or is it what they want us to want?

Angelina Jolie swings into action, both guns blazing, her prosthetic breasts refusing to budge (in some scenes they appear to be lopsided). She doesn't make the mistake of taking Lara Croft seriously, but she doesn't commit herself either -- at times she comes perilously close to Uma Thurman's arch, I'm-too-smart-for-this-shit performance in The Avengers. Jolie is too smart for it, and though physically she's a good match for Lara, she just doesn't have pulp heroism in her soul. The way she delivers some of her lines, if you didn't know she was the hero, you might think Jolie was playing a femme fatale who's about to pull a double-cross.

Can I, without sounding stupid, point out that the plot makes no sense? (Of course it makes no sense, comes the answer; that's the point.) It has something to do with the Illuminati (I think I heard this pronounced two different ways in the film), who seek to control time itself by joining two pieces of a sacred triangle during the alignment of the planets. It's up to Lara, with the posthumous help of her father (Jon Voight), to stop the Illuminati and -- I just noticed my toe is itching. Sorry. You see how easily I can be distracted from the "story." It was worse during the movie.

The director here is one Simon West. Lara's training robot, programmed to attack Lara and keep her in fighting trim, is also named Simon; both Simons run roughshod over this movie, hardwired for destruction. West has previously given us Con Air, which treated the audience like idiots, and The General's Daughter, which treated the audience like complete idiots. West has advanced even more -- Tomb Raider treats the audience like complete and utter idiots. When a character says "Tempus fugit," there's a cut to Lara, who helpfully says "Time flies." I love that. What if Simon West had directed Silence of the Lambs? When Lecter says "Quid pro quo," would West have had Clarice say "Something for something"?

Rather heartwarmingly, West continues to prove that a director with no talent for action whatsoever can get work as an action-movie director. The many shootouts spit at us in split-second bites. A major sequence features an attack by stone monkeys, who disintegrate obligingly when shot or even nudged assertively. Watching Lara poof her way through these non-terrifying creatures, I wondered why West didn't go all the way and have the monkeys made out of wet Kleenex. Really, if you were designing guardians for a tomb, wouldn't you make them out of hardier stuff -- iron, enchanted spackle, anything?

Objections to Tomb Raider are perfectly beside the point because Tomb Raider is perfectly beside the point. Even when Lara is reunited with her long-lost father briefly near the end, and even though we are watching a real-life father-daughter acting duo here, there's no spark whatsoever. Jon Voight, once capable of Midnight Cowboy and Coming Home, is stuck in this summer crap with his daughter; he has to stand there and trade lines with her, avoiding the sight of her fake boobs.

The movie, if nothing else, made me respect Jon Voight as a father. He must really love Angelina to agree to jump into this pool of stupidity with her, so that maybe she wouldn't feel so alone among the stone monkeys and shootouts. Watching the scene between them, I didn't hear what was actually said; what I heard was "Dad, did I sign up for a turkey here?" "Yes, honey, you did, but I still love you."

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=718&reviewer=416
originally posted: 01/21/07 07:34:17
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User Comments

8/20/12 Quigley I've had better times staring at a wall for an hour and forty minutes. 1 stars
4/08/10 PAUL SHORTT DULL, SILLY ACTION-ADVENTURE 1 stars
8/19/08 Shaun Wallner Loved it Jolie is great! 5 stars
12/14/07 Jason The acting was too wooden and cliched. 3 stars
11/12/07 beau i thought angelina jolie was casted brilliantly as lara coft, an exact replica 3 stars
3/18/07 Donny M Better than Mummy 3 stars
3/16/07 johnnyfog Guess I'm more of an ass guy 1 stars
3/09/06 Dk I liked it. A vibrent energy and style could be found throughout 4 stars
8/20/05 ES Pathetically done movie spawns likely two sequels and then goes away forever 1 stars
5/27/05 tony Horribly SLOW! ZERO ACTION WHATSOEVER! This film should be a drama 1 stars
3/13/05 Ronin I turned it off after 10 minutes. And I am not gay. Go figure... 1 stars
3/07/05 Rock-Steady Instant boner 4 stars
11/22/04 val I loved them both. and if you are a true fan of the game you would love it too. 5 stars
11/19/04 Zeus fake and dumb 1 stars
10/30/04 John Bale Despite Angelina's tits, films don't get much sillier than this. 2 stars
9/21/04 Sneakers I enjoyed it 'cause I didn't take everything seriously, and I love Angelina Jolie. 4 stars
5/24/04 Butterbean Better than the sequel, so it doesn't suck. It had a nice soundtrack. 2 stars
5/12/04 sharon on seeing this movie i have become the fan of angelina jolie 4 stars
3/28/04 Jake Inane, Inept, Mindless, Idiotic and did I mention VERY VERY STUPID 1 stars
12/16/03 Charles Tatum Who needs comprehension when you can blow shit up? 3 stars
12/06/03 john incedibly stupid - bad action - unbelievable and overblown - no heart - yikes! 1 stars
11/25/03 Thiago The first movie is just ok, but Angelina is just AMAZING as Mrs. Croft. 3 stars
11/22/03 jack bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce boucne 2 stars
6/27/03 Nikaelah Time and money wasted. 1 stars
6/22/03 cochese I couldn't make it through the first 5 minutes, no shit. 1 stars
6/17/03 Ghetto Smurf TITTIES! TITTIES! TITTIES! 1 stars
6/11/03 Sylvie Alice Borden Screwball action plot+halfhearted performance by AJ=mildly amusing flick. 4 stars
4/25/03 Cathy ter Plugg More evidence that Angelia Jolie may not be good at anything but interrupting girls. 3 stars
4/09/03 Sugarfoot A total bust! 1 stars
4/08/03 silvercheetah14 Good action 5 stars
3/04/03 Jack Sommersby Crash and burn. 1 stars
2/11/03 Ubu the Ripper Jolie should never make another film after laying this egg 1 stars
1/20/03 Joesco Forget the plot and enjoy Angelina's fantasy action and outfits 4 stars
1/13/03 Goofy Maxwell "Well, hello my name is Simon...R U looking at her boobs? R U? R U? Cheeky monkeys." 2 stars
10/19/02 .Choadushouse. It almost got the title for worst video game movie yet. The only one worse is Double Dragon 1 stars
10/15/02 Kagemaru Should've been R. If I'm paying money to see A.J.'s titties, they could at least be bare 1 stars
10/09/02 Linda Binda I HATE Tomb Raider games: movie's crappiness unsurprising. Good soundtrack. Insomnia cure 2 stars
9/23/02 Mamalapura Isn't it about time to get over the Angelina nincompoopery?! Sweet Jesus, did this suck! 1 stars
8/01/02 lamar ferguson Yo Andy ya sack of shit, what was your mum thinking when she had you?! 1 stars
6/02/02 sdjfsdkjf I waited til video for this. Thank fucking god. I was so bored I switched it off halfway. 1 stars
3/01/02 Chowie my guy friend only liked it because of her tits......i didn't even like those 2 stars
2/28/02 Alan Smithee Terrible. Would have been better as a R-rated film, with lots of A. Jolie nudity. 1 stars
2/20/02 Xaver AbsoLUTEly the worst. Way too much hype for a boring film with an empty lead character. 1 stars
2/14/02 adam kennedy we need to see more of jolie's tits in every movie. because everybody wants to see her tits 5 stars
2/04/02 Jim It ain't Indiana Jones ... 2 stars
12/21/01 Andrew Carden Boring and Unrealistic Video Game-Based Flick. 1 stars
12/21/01 Mister Char Die angelia jolie! I hate this movie, and the game too 1 stars
12/17/01 Jessel What a disappointment 1 stars
11/22/01 BJ the absolute worst!!! 1 stars
11/18/01 J Unsuprisingly not as bad as they say. But it could've been much more than this. 3 stars
11/15/01 Terje McLanly The best action movie so far this year to me. 5 stars
11/06/01 Tim What the ...? the action was great but people go to the movies only to see Jolie... 3 stars
10/20/01 Tam Saw it at a friend's. Relieved I didnt waste any hard-earned cash on it. Manufactured shit. 1 stars
10/14/01 Dan Great film, Jolie does a great job. visually great. 4 stars
10/02/01 Phoenix Jolie is sexy as ever, and the film is the best video game adaption ever made. 4 stars
9/24/01 kristie Douros Fantastic!!!!! thats all I have to say 4 stars
9/15/01 Amber Doney The movie was great. It was one of the best action movies ever. 5 stars
9/10/01 Chrissi I LOVED IT!!! Angelina Jolie is HOT 5 stars
9/01/01 Butterbean I just want to line up West, Massett and Zinman and kick their ass for giving us this shit. 3 stars
8/30/01 Sean Curran Fuck the critics! 5 stars
8/12/01 Dakamus I heard this movie was printed on a thin layer of hardened shit instead of celluloid. 1 stars
8/05/01 Darian Perez Not a great plot, but I suppose that was expected 3 stars
7/30/01 Ro Sho ZZZzzzZZzzz.. !!.... Uh... A bad movie with two good scenes... ZZzzzZZzz 1 stars
7/30/01 Bob jones lots of slow motion running scenes. Is there any man whos ass Laura can't kick? 1 stars
7/29/01 Me Bouncy bouncy bouncy!!! 4 stars
7/28/01 Henry Ginsberg Angelena Joli is seriously fit .It's just a pitty she can't act . 2 stars
7/25/01 Heather Keith It's a video game movie, but a decent one. 4 stars
7/24/01 Lord Raymos Bunch of ripoffs wrapped in an incredibly lame plot. 2 stars
7/22/01 ^Elendil^ TheAngryJew hit it on the head. Pity, because I love the game. 2 stars
7/21/01 viking it wasn't all that bad. Battlefield Earth is a hundred times worse 3 stars
7/21/01 malcolm probably the worst in a wretched summer. didn't think i could get tired of boobs. 1 stars
7/17/01 Obi Wan Saw it again last night....was forced to go....I FELL ASLEEP!!! 2 stars for Jolie. 2 stars
7/16/01 Matthew Bartley The fight scenes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon were just as believeable as this 4 stars
7/15/01 Chris There were only two good things about this movie. 2 stars
7/14/01 yahYah boing, boing, boing 3 stars
7/14/01 officer 412/l thin plotline,seen it all before action scenes,and not too hot acting. but nice tits 2 stars
7/13/01 YelloMiata@AOL.COM I hate fight scenes in which you can't see what's happening. Bad editing. Nice tits! 2 stars
7/13/01 SeStA! Angelina was great-you HAVE to admit, but the plot lacked something needed-and her LIPS!AAH 3 stars
7/12/01 rogue not as good as the hype; not an entire loss.Angelina did a great job;i actually enjoyed it 4 stars
7/12/01 Lucian Loved the Game. Loved Angelina as Croft but, movie needs help. Game/movie not close enough. 4 stars
7/11/01 sarah kerby-eaton love the game, love angie = love the film 5 stars
7/11/01 viking not as bad as it could have been 3 stars
7/09/01 Danielle THIS MOVIE SUX 1 stars
7/08/01 vampyre9mm What's sad is that the director looked at this and thought "damn that's good work!" 2 stars
7/07/01 bullit17 I KNOW I should have hated it. But God help me, I actually kinda enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/07/01 Simeon Briggs I agree, who needs plot, i see boobies, not just any Angelina's. (EVERYONE SHOULD SEE GIA) 3 stars
7/07/01 Adam I actually fell asleep during one of the fight scenes, with speakers pounding all around me 1 stars
7/06/01 Don Not as good as Muumy Returns. Movie only is seen because of Jolie, not enough substance 3 stars
7/05/01 Erin CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 1 stars
7/05/01 Jorge Who needs a plot? I see boobies! 4 stars
7/04/01 The Bomb 69 plot was weak and done before, Jolie made this enjoyable though 4 stars
7/04/01 vpitman As an action flick, it's great. Less cheese than Mummy 2. Jolie snarls well; script sucks. 4 stars
7/04/01 Lois Angelina is kick ass awesome. Move over Linda Hamilton and Sigourney Weaver. 5 stars
7/03/01 luana this movier wroked 5 stars
7/03/01 Brenda The script sucked but Angelina was excellent so fuck all of you who think otherwise,JEALOUS 4 stars
7/03/01 BrainFrz I believe I actually lost brain cells watching the movie! what is beneath Total Crap! 1 stars
7/03/01 Kandy Robertson Entirely too much spandex and not enought plot. 1 stars
7/03/01 Jester219 I can shit a better movie than this 1 stars
7/03/01 Friss pretty disappointing -watch the trailer and save yourself the $$. 2 stars
7/02/01 David J Bell Not bad if you like visual masturbation. 4 stars
7/02/01 bunnie WEll it's not the best movie but if you forget any credibility in reality it's fun 4 stars
7/01/01 chels i liked this movie it was cool angelina jolie was really good in it 5 stars
6/30/01 fishie If you want a movie that feels like a game, this is it. It's just ok. 3 stars
6/30/01 Peter Brook No fun at all. Angelina sure is Jolie, but West (who directed the brilliant Con Air) sucks 2 stars
6/29/01 Onyx What a waste of time and money 2 stars
6/27/01 matthew smith the worst film of the year 2 stars
6/27/01 Dan Otero Lot's of fun, but Lara's breasts are like two seperate characters. 3 stars
6/26/01 Pheonix2029 This is a very action packed joy ride. The non-stop action rocked 5 stars
6/26/01 sexx ed I'd rather have a railroad spike driven through my sack than sit through it again. 1 stars
6/25/01 rebecca what the hell was up w/ her boobs in the 1st scene 2 stars
6/25/01 Optikal Fade I should have opted for the ass-raping by a large inmate named Tiny. 1 stars
6/25/01 Tour1Girl Love to see a female "kick ass" type of action hero for a change 4 stars
6/25/01 Kelano Kekedeko Boringly Drone 2 stars
6/24/01 Jojo Where's Mario and Luigi? 1 stars
6/24/01 Thor-Leo Contrived & charmless 2 stars
6/24/01 Aurelia Angelina is AWESOME!!! this movie kicks ASS!!! :) :) 5 stars
6/23/01 Lydia Cox It's okay, for an action movie. But Angelina Jolie is a great actress. 3 stars
6/23/01 Wannabe Optimistic I wanted to be positive, but nope. This movie put me to sleep. 1 stars
6/23/01 Gary Jolie makes for a dynamic and energetic lead, unlike the rest of the movie. 2 stars
6/23/01 Brian Spend a little less on special effects, and Pay for a screen writer. 3 stars
6/23/01 Mary Forester I went to the theatre to be entertained; I was, but I wouldn't write home about it. 3 stars
6/22/01 Melanie It was cool. Not bad, not great...but it was worth seeing. 4 stars
6/22/01 brent young people are too harsh. jolie is a nice (& hot) lead, the action is good too. popcorn flick. 4 stars
6/22/01 brentley Wealthy Charlie's Angel meets Indiana Jones 3 stars
6/22/01 Melissa in NYC Her breasts moved me.....right on out the door! What a terrible P.O.S.! 1 stars
6/21/01 Steve Havent seen it, but its based on a video game. Did anyone think it would be good? Really? 1 stars
6/21/01 Gizzy It was fun while it lasted 3 stars
6/21/01 svetlana well...i laughed every time i saw her larger-than-barbie's breasts... 1 stars
6/21/01 Mongolian Beef I saw the movie bone sober and it sucked. I saw it again drunk and I liked it. 5 stars
6/21/01 Mr. Char An utter piece of shit, stop making movies based on video games hollywood! 1 stars
6/21/01 Chromag I went into it expecting a video game and Angelina's two friends, and got exactly that. 4 stars
6/20/01 Ron saw it for free, a mindless fun 3 stars
6/20/01 Jason there was a lot of eye candy...and the special effects and action sequences weren't bad... 4 stars
6/20/01 beast a dissapointment. 1 stars
6/20/01 Jenni This movie SUCKED!!! The effects lacked everything. And you feel nothing for the characters 1 stars
6/20/01 Melissa in NYC Jugs, ta-tas, tities, the ladies, headlights, hooters, big 'uns-and that's all there is. 1 stars
6/20/01 Ada Jane Sucked in every conceivable way, and biggest crime of all, NOT FUNNY! 1 stars
6/19/01 Portmaniac It meant to be fun...but WASN'T!Gave me a headache & was huge waste of time.Pls no sequel. 1 stars
6/19/01 This review's better than the other crap by Greg (Something) This movie was meant to be fun, not an oscar-winning movie... Jeez, give it a break! 5 stars
6/19/01 jode It Rocks! 5 stars
6/19/01 Julia Harsh Much? IT IS A MOVIE, A.K.A. Entertainment. Fun. Make Believe. Use your imagination 4 stars
6/19/01 Dan Who would believe you could kill all those soldiers with a rubber band and wall walking. 3 stars
6/18/01 MaG it not that bad 3 stars
6/18/01 Michael One of the better video game to movie translations 4 stars
6/18/01 Mary Agree completely-nothing real but real father,John Voight 1 stars
6/18/01 Quack1701 Fun movie. Would have prefered more of her solo in the Tombs (or some T&A). Go see it! 4 stars
6/18/01 Richard Hendricks Boring, dull, slow, not enough T&A, way too much dialogie...Mortal Kombat didn't suck eithe 1 stars
6/18/01 voyant Not the best summer movie, but an enjoyable way to spend a few hours. 4 stars
6/18/01 Haha Has more soul than Pearl Harbor though 1 stars
6/18/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) Repeat after me: IT'S A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER!! Good fuck, people... 4 stars
6/18/01 Carolyn Ford Absolutely, positively the worst movie I've ever seen, and that includes Tidal Wave. 1 stars
6/18/01 D. Jah-Voo i think Eric Cartman has half of the magic triangle 1 stars
6/17/01 Anne I liked it..it isn't supposed to be a sophisticated plot just eye candy. 3 stars
6/16/01 Finity i enjoyed it damnit 4 stars
6/16/01 Roy Smith I you like poorly edited action and cheesy sets this MST3K quality film is for you! 2 stars
6/16/01 Nathan Porter Greg couldn't be more right on. The movie is so empty. Major letdown! 1 stars
6/16/01 rue the whirl I didn't even achieve an erection 1 stars
6/16/01 meh A fun movie doesn't have to be stupid. This movie is stupid. 1 stars
6/16/01 Danny Greg go out and get a life. This movie isn't about trying to find symbolsm inLaras breasts 5 stars
6/16/01 Ever hear of enjoying a film, you nit-picking asshole? Greg is in all honesty, a mindless, impotent dickhead who was expecting an Oscar movie. 4 stars
6/16/01 John Y Even with Angelina Jolie's bouncing breasts, this movie was as mindless as the Mummy 3 stars
6/16/01 ERIC SHADRACK Typical pathetic excuse for a Hollywood property-driven movie. More wretched than usual. 1 stars
6/16/01 yuoiyuoyu Simply Terrible! Video game movies never work 1 stars
6/14/01 Jeremy Cookston Its all in the boobs 5 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  15-Jun-2001 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  21-Jun-2001 (M)


Directed by
  Simon West

Written by
  Patrick Massett
  John Zinman

Cast
  Angelina Jolie
  Jon Voight
  Daniel Craig
  Iain Glen
  Noah Taylor
  Rachel Appleton



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