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Overall Rating

Awesome: 17.95%
Worth A Look30.77%
Pretty Bad: 14.53%
Total Crap: 5.98%

8 reviews, 69 user ratings

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13th Warrior, The
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by the Grinch

"More decapitations than the courtyard at the Bastille!"
4 stars

Before I review this film, I'd like to make a quick public service announcement: ALL INBRED FUCKS SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THE CINEMA! Ohhh, sweet jeezus, dear readers, you don't know what I endured to bring you this. Throughout the entire movie, I had these hillbillies giving a play-by-play up in the peanut gallery..."Oh, yew, yah, nailed his ass!" No DUH, Cleetus Kosell! I wouldn't be able to tell from the movie without your oh-so-brilliant commentary! If you're going to talk loudly at the screen during the movie, at least do what black people do and say funny shit! Otherwise, SHUTTHEFUCKUP!! I'm sittin there trying to get into the movie, and some yokel whose family tree is Charlie Brown's Christmas twig is consistently breaking my concentration. Additionally, all people who try and walk into the film 15 minutes in, or whose weakass bladders cause them to leave every 5 minutes making the theatre seem like the strobe light at Studio 54...well, they should all be cattle-prodded at the questions asked, just BZZZZZAPPP! In the immortal words of Ben Stern "SHUT UP! SIT DOWN, YOU MORON!"

Okay, I'm done whining. About the film. I really don't think I've seen a horrible adaption of a Michael Crichton novel. Of course you've got lukewarm films like "Sphere" and "Congo", but they weren't really that bad. And for every one of those, you have an "Andromeda Strain", "Westworld", "Jurasshashadit Park" and "Terminal Man"...hell, I even thought "Disclosure" was pretty good. Crichton just seems to write in a manner that transfers well. Of course the book's always better, but the film versions ain't too shabby either.

"The 13th Warrior" is no exception. If you don't know by now, it's based on "Eaters of the Dead", Crichton's Beowulfian-Viking adventure. Antonio Banderas plays Ahmed, the arab poet banished from the Islamic empire as an emissary to far off lands.
That's what happens when you write haiku to some other Arab guy's wife...I guess he's lucky he didn't get his scimitar cut off, these were violent times! He hooks up with some Norsemen who have been summoned by a Viking King to fight a marauder, a beastial evil that comes in the night and has an abominable liking of human flesh. This is all you need to know about the film to enjoy it.

Don't go to this movie expecting "Conan the Barbarian" or "Jason and the Argonauts" etc's not as fanciful as those movies, although it shares a similar sense of adventure and anticipation. There is a very epic style to this film, and none of the characters get in the way of the action. Antonio's character is more a chronicler/participant than the hero of the day, and I'm happy Hollywood decided to hold onto this notion.

There are, of course, a few chinks in the armour. I wanna bitch about how a few of the action scenes were murky, but honestly, I think they had to be murky to convey the confusion and terror McTiernan and Crichton were trying to convey.

My main gripes are about the was way too rushed, gave little background, and left us scratching our heads as to how the characters got from one point to another...not good. Many of the actors (Banderas included) could've used some diction courses. I think Marlon Brando with Madonna's strap-on in his mouth would've been easier to understand. But hey, do you wanna hear dialogue, or heads splitting, hmmm?

There was also a certain extended slo-motion action scene that I found particularly unnecessary and not cohesive to the film.

The correction of these matters would've given it a higher rating....but still, IT KINDA ROCKED!

Blood, guts, action, adventure, a politically incorrect script, some factual basis, a "fear is the mind-killer" message, and a bunch of smelly Norse guys making fun of Antonio Banderas...what more could you want in a movie?

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originally posted: 09/08/99 07:07:00
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User Comments

2/12/12 Tony Hogan Great Sword (without sorcery) movie 5 stars
8/08/09 Anthony Barker Maybe Andrew Howe should stick to watching The English Patient... This film was GREAT!!!!! 5 stars
3/02/08 Pamela White Banderas at his best 5 stars
11/14/06 Munjal Attawala Not Bad 4 stars
10/06/06 Lance hollow...could have been much more 3 stars
2/03/06 Kankasaur Seeing "cow urine" smeared on Banderas' face was amusing, at least. 2 stars
8/17/05 ES 'That's a nice sword. When you die can I give it to my daughter?' 4 stars
8/27/04 Aaron Smith interesting storyline, different kind of scifi 3 stars
7/29/04 Yuma Bill Good elements, but thick layer of cheese. Lots of "hollywood moments" 3 stars
1/27/04 Amanda It was cool we read Beowulf in class so it was awesome to see the comparassion in the 2 4 stars
11/27/03 John a mess that propably was once a good movie (cut down and reshot in post production) 2 stars
11/19/03 Vincent Murdok A furlong Myth 5 stars
10/21/03 Alan Watched it until the end, hoping that something would redeem this insufferable tripe. Nope. 1 stars
10/08/03 george a. nicikowski i,ve watched it over 2 dozen times and i'm still entertained by it. 5 stars
8/05/03 Ishkabibble A great, underrated film. It only gets better with repeated viewings 5 stars
6/01/03 John Gratner Excellent Hero epic 5 stars
2/28/03 Mister Bigglesworth Crichton was dared to remake Beowolf exciting to his class. What movie DOESN'T Tatum like? 1 stars
2/28/03 Jack Sommersby Original, daring, and compulsively watchable. A welcome surprise. 4 stars
2/27/03 y2mckay Great movie, Storhøi rocks, Antonio good. One bitch - He learns language THAT quickly? 4 stars
2/24/03 R.W. Welch Medieval actioner with good period atmosphere but elementary plot line. 3 stars
10/15/02 Charles Tatum Dark and brooding and better than half the crap out there 5 stars
7/12/02 KMG Should have stayed with "Eaters of the Dead"...and another script 3 stars
6/22/02 Bart Interesting retelling of Beowulf, although a little slow 4 stars
4/29/02 Ryan And no one even mentions the early Germanic epic 'Beowulf' from which this is derived... 4 stars
10/16/01 MaMaFaC This movie fucking rocks 5 stars
10/10/01 jawsboy banderas was only ok, and the story and editing were so so. good action and costumes. 3 stars
8/20/01 Jan Doens't always have to be fuckin high tech 5 stars
8/19/01 Dr. Thompson Cool Vikings, and cool to see a movie that shows muslims as heros 4 stars
8/09/01 E-Funk Antonio Banderas looks like such a pussy in this movie...I didn't buy one second of it. 1 stars
3/24/01 Soggy Bottom Boy Banderas not right for the part (since when does hispanic = arabic?); a few good visuals. 3 stars
2/23/01 Steve in Prague pretty good popcorn flick...what did you expect Citizen f'n Kane!?!??! 5 stars
12/10/00 Mitja Podgajski hmm.. pretty shitty story... but casting and scenes were great.. :) 3 stars
12/08/00 Girl 9 I've seen this movie done before...and I've seen it done better. 3 stars
11/24/00 Liat Kitten Lots of action Little Plot Ripoff of Beowulf 4 stars
9/22/00 Terrie Smith Great British Columbia locales; good acting from Kulich and Storhoi. 4 stars
6/24/00 Naushad Khanji Good location shots.Not that bad.Lacks epic sweep but entertaining. 4 stars
4/25/00 John Lyons Antonio Banderas did very well. Liked it better the second time I saw it. 4 stars
3/17/00 arnold beginning sucked but the battle scences rocked 4 stars
1/13/00 k.tomkowski I loved it. 5 stars
1/09/00 Hangman This shit is THE shit. 5 stars
12/17/99 Elan Davout Workman's craft from McTiernan/Chrichton's interference is palpable 3 stars
12/05/99 levon stasse WHAR MORE TO SAY BUT DONT WAIST YOUR DOE 1 stars
9/28/99 Ami the Wonderbread Beowulf revisited. This was a fun film, with a wealth of mythology behind it. 4 stars
9/28/99 the Grinch 2Proud2Beg Bueller, yer my hero. 4 stars
9/26/99 The Lynchpyn delivers the action --and plenty of it 3 stars
9/26/99 Costars Mindless, plotless, eye candy 2 stars
9/25/99 XenoWolf Itshouldhavebeenmoremysticaltheygooffonfiredragonshitwhenitwasabunchoffagsinbearsuits 3 stars
9/20/99 Weird Andy Despite the presence of Antonio Candeas, this flick is a yy chromosome delight. 4 stars
9/17/99 Kory Has alot of cool scenes but, overall, don't expect too much. 4 stars
9/14/99 Ratso Dude, they've got Bears riding Horses in this movie. What else do you want? 4 stars
9/13/99 mason hey , every year we gat a new big star with sword film . heres antonios . snore 2 stars
9/11/99 Travis Smith I only liked the bears riding horses 1 stars
9/10/99 Greg I thought it was pretty good (4 1/2 *) I thought it had some great moments. 4 stars
9/10/99 phypor pretty much agree with Grinch... but i liked the rushed intro (straight into the action) 4 stars
9/09/99 MAXOMENOS Magnificent movie, but what happened to the Prince? Made me want to read the novel. 4 stars
9/09/99 ladislau For Chet:It seems you have seen very few movies!Shame! 3 stars
9/08/99 Dax Okay if you've got nothing better to do, otherwise rent it in a few months. 3 stars
9/08/99 Fork For those that enjoy the idea of Vikings. Otherwise it's merely a short action movie. 4 stars
9/07/99 B.O.B. Kick-butt movie with some real history too. Sucky digital Viking Longboat though... 5 stars
9/06/99 Matthew Bartley Badly edited but you could see worse 3 stars
9/06/99 Chet This is the best movie I have ever seen in my life!!! 5 stars
9/05/99 tigerlette finally Beowulf-meritorious 4 stars
9/04/99 agustin it's no Conan or Braveheart what you get is 2 hrs of darkness while they fight 3 stars
9/04/99 whocares worst movie of the year 1 stars
9/03/99 ladislau Don't expect too much from Antonio. He was eaten by the dead! 3 stars
9/02/99 PhilmPhreak Multiple beheadings but no breasts. 3 stars
1/25/99 Dark Horizons Films made from books are never as good, no exception here. 2 stars
8/28/98 Mister Whoopee Test screening good, but Disney have messed with it for 12 mth. Trailer looked toned down. 4 stars
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  27-Aug-1999 (R)
  DVD: 15-Jan-2002

  03-Sep-1999 (15)

  02-Mar-2000 (MA)

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