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Overall Rating

Awesome: 6.78%
Worth A Look: 18.08%
Average: 25.42%
Pretty Bad: 11.86%
Total Crap37.85%

12 reviews, 105 user ratings

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by hamlet3k

"'You will believe a man can poop demons.'"
1 stars

William Goldman, where hast thou gone? Where is the man who penned "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"? "Misery"? "THE PRINCESS BRIDE," for the love of God? He's... on the potty. He'll be right back. Truuuuuust us. And -- um -- he took Lawrence Kasdan with him. For... Moral support. Yeah.

You know, I was actually appalled at the clowns who walked out of the theater after "Final Flight of the Osiris." I pointed at them and made disparaging comments. I said, "Ha to you, persons of no taste. Ha unto you, for after I walk out of this movie, I will be the better and you will be the worse." Can you believe it? I actually pitied the people who left after they'd gotten what they came for, whereas I stayed and got what was coming to me, if you catch my drift. Yes, you may point at and pity me now, but I too was suckered by the LYING, CHEATING trailers for Dreamcatcher.

They LIED to me. They LIED and laughed at me. They promised me horror and gore and tension and the threat of something that invaded our minds and stole our clothes. It was supposed to be Invasion of the Body Snatchers done Stephen King-style, smothered in ook, with the oh-so-slight aftertaste of Trinitarian righteousness. That's what I walked in expecting -- nay, desiring. I think we all wanted that. We wanted old-school Stephen King because that's what we were promised. We did not -- I cannot stress it enough -- we DID NOT want to see another human being poop out a slimy penis with a vagina dentata for a mouth. At least I didn't. I don't know so much about you. Sicko.

Dreamcatcher started out well; it started with promise. Dr. Henry Devlin (Thomas Jane) is your average, run-of-the-mill psychiatrist... in that he bullyrags his patients into tears and tries to shoot himself in the face whenever he gets the blues. We meet a few other people, presumably friends of the doctor's, in sequences that all run on too long. We don't know who any of these people are and we don't know anybody's associations to anybody else, a recurring thematic element in this picture. Finally, we get Jonesy (Damian Lewis,) who is lured into busy traffic by a semi-naked boy waving to him from across the street. Um... I won't make any disparaging comments about -- saaaay -- men of the cloth at this point, but damn. Just... damn. In the first real chair-jumper of the night's feature, Jonesy is knocked clean out of his loafers by an oncoming truck and gets visited in the ambulance by a mushmouthed little angel that tells him to beware of "da gay man." No comment, again. I advise you to just put it down and walk away slowly.

Flash forward to a remote mountain cabin and Devlin and his friends from the opener are coming for a tradional macho hunting party, a la Escanaba in da Moonlight, but without the charm and subtlety. There's Henry, Pete (Tim Olyphant,) Jonesy and Jason Lee as the Beaver. Yes, Jason Lee is saddled with the most unfortunate fucking nickname ever. He's either a sad nod to Jerry Mathers' career-strangling alter-ego or a derogation of our favorite female naughty bit. Either way, he dies too quickly for anyone to care. Lee's asking price must have been per-page for this stinker, as he's the first victim of an alien parasite that pops out of a man's ass -- Now. Let me back that one up and reveal it slowly so you can follow the stupidity... A man staggers into their camp, bloated and covered in nasty open sores. Jonesy and Beav' welcome him in -- for what? a game of naked Twister? He's DISEASED! Send him packing with a cup of hot noodles, for the love of sanity.

No. They let him in and let him use their toilet -- EW!!! -- where he proceeds to excrete the silliest looking CG beastie this side of Anaconda, the aforementioned goop-slippery rope of phallic-shaped pooh with a shark-toothed vagina for a maw. It eats Jason Lee. Get it? Get it? The PENIS EATS THE BEAVER! Was I the only one howling with laughter at this point?

Okay, yes, I was.

SOOO... Jason Lee dies. We are sad. Then Jonesy is possesed by the deranged, evil spirit of Stanley Tucci and THEN shit starts to get weird.

In a series of scenes intercut from OTHER movies, the audience is assaulted with explanations for everything that they had or hadn't been wondering about for the previous forty minutes: aliens are real; aliens invade our planet all the time; aliens blow up into red clouds of cocaine when shot at by fighter planes; Stanley Tucci and Jonesy play hide-and-seek in a library in Jonesy brain (don't ask); and Morgan Freeman's career spirals down the toilet. And if all that wasn't weird enough, the cast of "Stand by Me" stops by to befriend a retarded boy in a couple of hazy, glowing, sepia-toned flashbacks. Huzzahwah? Hey... IT'S THE SAME LITTLE NAKED FREAKBOY THAT DAMN-NEAR KILLED JONESY! HIS NAME IS DUDDITS AND HE'S GOT MAGIC!!! -- what??? Hold on. What??? No no no... What???

Don't bother asking. I did, and was met with another fifteen hours of unclear scenes filled with obfuscating dialogue. Apparently, retarded people in Stephen King's world are magical, enchanted pixies. Like some sort of Bizarro-Yoda, young Duddits (Andrew Robb) teaches Vern, Teddy, Chris, and Gordy his clairvoyant gifts. This gives them a psychic link to each other that amounts to nothing as the movie steamrolls to a ridiculous showdown in a water pumping station. See, Dr. Devlin discovers that the alien monster cohabiting inside Jonesy wants to release his turd-penis children into Maine's water supply, so Hank brings along adult Duddits (Donnie Walhberg) for some New Kids-style ass-whupping.

Duddits proves his usefulness almost immediately by getting impaled by some gross and slimy piece anatomy from the newly revealed feces-vagina-monster. Moral? Don't bring along your semi-crippled, cancer-emaciated handicapable friend to fight your fights, pussy. But fear not, for -- lo -- Donnie raises up his fists like he's calling a touchdown, screams "I'M DUUUUUDDIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!", transmogriphies into a giant, anthropomorphic wad of extraterrestrial snot, and fucks the poop-demon to death. I can't make this shit up, folks. They started sticking bits of themselves into each other and writhing and squealing and rolling around on the ground in a death coitus while I and the audience around me convulsed in apoplexies of laughter.

This movie is camp crap through and through, not funny enough to be smart and not scary enough to be taken seriously. It's sad to see King, Goldman, and Kasdan wasting the already wispy weight of their tarnished names on this hodge podge of confusion. The movie never settles into one genre or another, glibly flipping back and forth between bittersweet childhood-friend dramas, alien parasite thrillers, and outbreak potboilers, all of which have already been covered in better books/movies in King's canon. This movie came across like your younger brother who wants to be a fireman, an actor AND an astronaut when he grows up.

Imagine cramming "The Stand," "IT," "Stand by Me"/"The Body" and "The Tommyknockers" into a blender and pressing the "PULP" button and you've got this movie: a chewy, tasteless stew of unidentifiable gray upchuck.

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originally posted: 04/09/03 12:59:07
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User Comments

6/04/12 kriz scooby doo, the library and the people .. well those are just like in the book. 3 stars
4/18/11 nb decent movie. 5 stars
12/21/10 Josie Cotton is a goddess Read the novel 2 stars
6/19/09 Jess O The book is far better. It lacks the cheesy crap (See: ending of film), and explains more 4 stars
1/17/09 Shaun Wallner Very Stupid! 1 stars
7/30/08 chris f not a bad mvoie worth watching 4 stars
12/02/07 Leestu From a great book (really, it is) this could have been so much better. 4 stars
2/16/07 Vip Ebriega Stephen King adaption, that's like 'Alien'. But still, it's fun. 3 stars
11/05/06 Ronin I have to read the book. If people say it's much better than the movie... 3 stars
8/19/06 Michele the end of the book was better 3 stars
7/17/06 mark shit-the novel was one of King's best-but the movie...well you go see it 2 stars
3/31/06 Dorothy Drake I Loved it!! 5 stars
12/14/05 deadfishrman after the book it was pretty cool 4 stars
11/26/05 shell bell An ok movie, but nothing like the book 3 stars
11/22/05 Kurtis J. Beard Horrible. Why Jason Lee? Why? 1 stars
9/24/05 Blutarsky Say what? Were you high? C'mon admit it. You were. 1 stars
8/11/05 ES I'm so torn, part of me wants to love it the other thinks it was really bad 3 stars
7/10/05 susee nothin much in it..even to say y it sucked big time 1 stars
6/09/05 Darth Pigeon i liked the movie alot 4 stars
2/09/05 nannette ryan The movie was ok. It is a movie you would curl up with on a Sunday afternoon. 3 stars
2/01/05 Steve Newman Sad as I am I enjoyed - now to buy the book 4 stars
1/30/05 Littlepurch Good cast, lots of potential, promising start... so what the HELL happened?! 2 stars
1/14/05 Al Guy Wasn't awful, just not that good. 3 stars
11/08/04 lucas very very bad! 2 stars
10/29/04 Mark Louis Baumgart What a godawful piece of shit. Blame King, blame Martians, but it's worse than a root canal 1 stars
10/20/04 bridget williams The movie was good> I thought stephen king wrote it 5 stars
8/24/04 American Slasher Goddess Starts off good, then about 30 mins in, it totally falls apart. 1 stars
8/05/04 H.P. Lovecraft How DARE anyone connect this absurd geasy fart of a movie with my name! 1 stars
8/01/04 psychotic black dwarf jack-O says Lovecraft + Carpenter...add Clive Barker to account for shit-weasels & bingo! 1 stars
7/24/04 Sandy Turynowicz ok 3 stars
7/11/04 Vince This tries to cram too many ideas, but still an enjoyable flick 4 stars
7/08/04 Denise Duspiva What insanity made them change the ending 3 stars
4/26/04 Lord Jiggy Lame, sad, feeble. Waste of everyone's time, including the viewer. 1 stars
3/20/04 Jack-pyschO-Lantern More like the callobration of H.P. Lovecraft & John Carpenter, rather than Stephen King 3 stars
3/19/04 Cary Gordon Lost any impact it might have had in book form. Ending sucked most! 1 stars
3/17/04 alex I liked it 4 stars
3/17/04 HorrorMovieFan Anyone notice the Pennywise Lives sign in the sewer pipe. That might mean an IT 2 is around 2 stars
3/06/04 zaw waste of time 1 stars
2/27/04 Whatevr When I first saw this movie, I thought I lost 10 IQ points. 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge I'm sorry but Diddits rocked. Aliens coming out of peoples asses, Scooby Doo and worms. wee 4 stars
2/21/04 Denise Duspiva Unworthy of the book it destroyed Duddits 3 stars
1/31/04 Dr.Lecter Inbred dung beetles with Tourette's could make a better movie than this cinematic rimjob 1 stars
1/26/04 American Slasher Goddess Watchable stuff. 3 stars
1/23/04 pooh my pants bin man! duno i live in a bin i aint seen it 1 stars
1/20/04 Kristen Heinously stupid. the gun started ringing OMG aliens out of asses 1 stars
1/19/04 Lightbeing I have seen the movie yesterday. It SUCKS big time. No horror at all, more humor. 1 stars
1/17/04 J The beginning and the bathroom scene is cool! The rest is crap! ** out 4 3 stars
1/14/04 Bastian Loved it 4 stars
1/05/04 tricky dick this is the worst form of public entertainment since christians were fed to the lions!!! 1 stars
1/02/04 Jack You will not believe how bad this movie is. It makes no sense. The ending is shit. 1 stars
12/19/03 KingNeutron Worst movie of 2003 for me. 0 stars. Demanded my money back. 1 stars
12/09/03 Suzee Yanez It wasn't that bad. If you can follow it, it is fairly interesting. Un urm ill urld. 3 stars
12/08/03 lilcutie an okay film 3 stars
11/23/03 Julie Swenson HORRIBLE!!! HORRIBLE!!! Even MORE horrible than horrible. A Root-Canal of a Movie!! 1 stars
11/23/03 J I saw it. Only the beginning its but the rest is crap. ** out of **** 3 stars
11/12/03 Phil M. Aficionado Fell asleep. But the movie was a nightmare anyway, no big deal to snooze 2 stars
10/20/03 Horrific Honestly, this is the worst goddamn movie I've seen in some time. Makes NO sense whatever. 1 stars
10/19/03 Lord Jiggy Not as bad as most claimed, decent actors working hard with little support from script. 3 stars
10/17/03 Toadvine Its like Cujo. Except the dog is a shit worm. 3 stars
10/10/03 Erik Van Sant Does for taking shits what taking shits does for taking shits. 1 stars
10/07/03 KingNeutron Sucked all ass. I walked out after an hour and demanded my money back. 1 stars
10/03/03 Timmy GREAT 5 stars
10/02/03 othree lack luster, cliche, was better left in print 2 stars
10/01/03 Mickey With A C Sucks!Sucks!Sucks!Sucks!Sucks!Sucks! 1 stars
9/23/03 Ricky Good movie 5 stars
9/18/03 Noacat I unevquiocally hate this movie and all those associated with it. 1 stars
8/20/03 james good actors + s. king = FUCKING TERRIBLE 1 stars
6/14/03 Alice This is a real teaser. Pretends to be good in the beginning and then totaly rips you off !! 2 stars
5/27/03 Rocky pretty good 3 stars
5/23/03 Danni Not bad, but final flight of the osiris is better 3 stars
5/23/03 The Lurchprong Splitter The coherent 30% of it is good but too interspersed with the rest. Morgan Freeman wasted. 2 stars
5/03/03 Mopsa I enjoyed myself very much. The boys were all great! 4 stars
4/29/03 scott great 5 stars
4/20/03 Rataro oh my god, does this movie suck 1 stars
4/20/03 scream grear 5 stars
4/17/03 KingNeutron Sucked so bad I walked out after an hour and demanded a refund!! 1 stars
4/12/03 John Bale For Steven King fans, accurate version of book, except for nutbag ending. 4 stars
4/10/03 Jack Bourbon This film is a real fuckaroo. . . which is bad. 2 stars
4/09/03 Mohamad Faisal This is a horrible movie...not! This is an excellent movie...not! You decide... 3 stars
4/08/03 Ponce This is by far the worst movie ever made, & Damian Lewis was absolutely motherfucking awful 1 stars
4/07/03 Jon I always like Morgan Freeman in movies, but he SUCKED in this one. Previews outdid movie =( 2 stars
4/07/03 Marjorie Damian Lewis was great! 5 stars
4/06/03 Duffins Donut somewhere in the middle of these ratings youll find the truth. imo it was too far fetched 2 stars
4/04/03 Ben Hollenbeck Acting, Dialogue, Story, Direction...all over-blown and horrible 1 stars
4/02/03 Elizabeth Hinojosa Too long, and I agree, miscasted. 2 stars
3/31/03 joe this reviewer is an idiot and so are all you awesome and worth a look people...horrible! 1 stars
3/31/03 Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine Finally...a movie I didn't like! 1 stars
3/31/03 MrChri5 whats wrong with everyone? This is a very good movie but could be better. 4 stars
3/31/03 Jon Not as bad as some think it is, but not masterpiece either... 3 stars
3/30/03 HE grerat 5 stars
3/27/03 Obi Wan What happened? Started great, then flopped and where's the real ending? 3 stars
3/26/03 me Bob Grey: audience members would be too stupid 5 stars
3/25/03 Chicago Wolf Loved the movie especially because I did not read the book 5 stars
3/25/03 Blake great 5 stars
3/24/03 Caiphn Seemed pretty rushed. What a terrible ending. Could have been better. Freeman bad idea. 3 stars
3/24/03 Kefka Too many holes, and it didn't seem realistic (if you know what i mean) 2 stars
3/24/03 Cameron Slick An incoherent overlong creature feature 3 stars
3/23/03 scigamer Even Dreamcatcher can't compete with the god awful Daredevil as the worst this year 1 stars
3/23/03 scigamer Even Dreamcatcher can't compete with the god awful Daredevil as the worst this year 1 stars
3/23/03 JewBoy69 This movie is ass-dribble. Everyone in the theatre was laughing out loud at how bad it was! 1 stars
3/23/03 .Choadushouse. I loved the first hour. It had my mouth open in AWE. But the last hour SUCKED/lacked... 4 stars
3/23/03 Gravy fell apart in the last 30 min., worst ending EVER! Where's the bacon? 2 stars
3/22/03 Vicious Damian Lewis is really good, but the rest is odd without being noteworthy. 3 stars
3/20/03 Eric Holy good god!!! This movie was amazing. I laughed almost the entire time. 1 stars
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  21-Mar-2003 (R)
  DVD: 08-Feb-2005


  03-Apr-2003 (MA)

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