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Overall Rating
1.63

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 16.67%
Average: 0%
Pretty Bad: 12.96%
Total Crap70.37%

4 reviews, 30 user ratings


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Real Cancun, The
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by Scott Weinberg

"HEY WANNA WATCH MY HOME MOVIES? THERE'S BARE TITS!"
1 stars

What a contemptible and unengaging experiment THIS turned out to be. Given the massive popularity of TV shows like Survivor, Blind Date and The Real World, I'm surprised it took a crew of talentless hacks this long to try and exploit the silver screen. Happily for all involved, this wretched pile of festering tease tanked at the box office, thereby educating the sleazy filmmakers involved: TV is free; people will watch any old crap. Try to separate your audience from eight bucks a pop, and you BETTER have something good. The Real Cancun doesn't even come close.

Imagine your 22-year-old cousin stops by with a few videotapes of home movies from her recent trip to Cancun. She asks you if you want to watch some; feigning an interest because she's your cousin (and secretly hoping to see lots of non-cousin booty) you say OK.

Less than five minutes later you kick your TV in.

Because the boring and wholly unnecessary movie The Real Cancun IS nothing more than "someone else's home movies". To those who were chosen to participate I'm sure this film will forever hold a special place in their hearts. They were there; they made friends and had some sex.

Whoopee.

For the remaining 99.9999999999999% of humanity, there's nothing here even remotely worth seeing. If you've ever spent one week at a college campus, you're already familiar with what goes on here: girls act coy at first; slutty with alcohol. Boys act endearing at first; horny infants with alcohol.

Several conversations are included, most of which are nothing more than filler used in an effort to make us somehow like these people. Unfortunately none of them are interesting, and their non-stop 'me me me' banter grows wearisome at minute 11. The film runs another 70-some minutes.

If you've ever been to a party where a few of the guests get REALLY LOUD when they're drunk, you already know it's not something entertaining enough to watch in a movie. And when you see a few pretty girls (the sort who know PRECISELY how pretty they are) showing of all sorts of skin and sexuality once the third Tequila shot goes down, you often feel shame for how the gal will react when told of her antics tomorrow morning.

Tackiness, depsite what everyone in this film clearly seems to think, is not an attractive feature. We're privy to scene after scene of flirt, tease, posture, preen, rebuff, etc. I've seen animal shows on the Discovery Channel that present their biological subject material with less clinical detachment. And since none of these goofballs have anything interesting to say, we're instead offered an unending string of pop songs. The Real Cancun certainly isn't a documentary; more of a feature-length rock video with drab sex talk in between the MTV tunes.

Bah. Who even cares anymore? It's clear what this flick was made for (BARE TITS), and the fact that it completely skimps on even those meager requirements is a blunder of epic proportions. (Imagine a Police Academy movie with no cops.) The Real Cancun was conceived, recorded, edited and released within a 6-month period. Does that sound like the efforts of filmmakers shooting for a entertaining motion picture - or grimy soft-core smut merchants desperately trying to get their generic fad product into theaters before the Reality TV trend gives way to something even more obnoxious - if such a thing is even possible.

To even call this a "movie" is an affront to all the actual MOVIES out there. Even the awful ones like Caddyshack 2. Plus the title couldn't be more disingenuous. Someone please tell me what's REAL about a group of hand-picked beauties being sent to Cancun (keep in mind, everything is free and fully paid for through the magic of omnipresent product placement) and filmed for a week (so they BETTER do something "extreme"), only to have their exploits (poorly) edited together in an effort to focus on the miniscule moments of young adult sexuality.

The only thing "real" about this flick are the collective testicles of those behind the camera - as in "You got a lot of real BALLS to produce and distribute such an amateurish pile of pandering crap."

Sure, go pay nine bucks to see something you'd hate if you saw it on MTV for free. And be sure to drop another 20 when the inevitable "UNCUT DVD" hits shelves; I bet there's an extra nipple or two in that footage. And these days, a few bare tits is all a movie needs to get made. To those who ignored The Real Cancun during its theatrical run, I say Thank You. Once in a while the American moviegoing public stuns me with their good sense. Nothing personal New Line; you deserve every penny you earn from your LOTR franchise. Put this annoying fiasco behind you and invest your profits in something less hateful.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=7565&reviewer=128
originally posted: 05/05/03 19:10:56
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User Comments

9/22/17 morris campbell dul college crowd crap 1 stars
10/16/15 David Hollingsworth Pure unnecessary crap 1 stars
8/30/05 ES EricDSnider says it best, definately an interesting film 4 stars
3/21/05 Abbath Seing people like this make me lose faith in humanity. 1 stars
9/11/04 JonBenet Ramsey's Ghost Ay, Caramba! Seems my would-be college days weren't worth surviving for! 1 stars
3/02/04 blue It's sad because people like this actually exist out there! I HATE MTV!!! 1 stars
12/14/03 movieman bull 1 stars
9/02/03 Rick Just crap 1 stars
7/26/03 viking If you like this kind of crap, grow up and get a life !!!!! 1 stars
7/15/03 Chris Good for a few laughs if nothing else 4 stars
7/13/03 alien assassin I can't wait to see the reissue of "Porky's" on DVD. It least it had a story to it !!!! 1 stars
7/11/03 Katy Funny film, good for a laugh, Alan is hilarious!!! 4 stars
6/10/03 MTV is Satan It was a fiasco in the box office, HA HA HA HA 1 stars
5/31/03 Jenna Furr I kept waiting for something to happen. It didn't. 2 stars
5/31/03 JonBenet Ramsey's Ghost Ay, Caramba! Seems my would-be college days weren't worth surviving for! 1 stars
5/15/03 Zach Never saw it, nerver will. HATE MTV. HATE Real Word. Etc. 1 stars
5/13/03 Todd MTV= Makes Todd Vomit 1 stars
5/08/03 John Lipian Wow! This is one of the most absurdly idiotic and dumb movies ever made! Hooters is better 1 stars
5/07/03 E-Rock I didn't see it. If it's got MTV's name on it, it HAS to be crap. I suggest staying home... 1 stars
5/07/03 leroyjones are u serious...luckily i snuck into the movie so i didnt have to pay to watch this 1 stars
5/06/03 moron this movie would have been better with lesbian hookers 1 stars
5/04/03 Kaonashi I'm glad this movie bombed, because I don't know how I could have lived were it successful. 1 stars
5/01/03 krys movie sucked- I did more in cancun than they did!!!! 1 stars
4/30/03 Dana Carvey must DIE!!! Wouldn't see it if I was payed to, but here's a rating anyway because THIS SHIT MUST STOP! 1 stars
4/29/03 Atanu Its time to say, FUCK the human race. 1 stars
4/27/03 Robb Morpheus A total trash wallow made for morons and 12 year old boys. 1 stars
4/26/03 Bluto McBlurt A case of, well duh! 1 stars
4/26/03 fzsdfsdf SUCKS ASS! 1 stars
4/26/03 Andrew Carden Horrid, Unfunny "Reality" Movie. The Partying Is More Obnoxious Than A Julie Andrews Song. 1 stars
4/26/03 Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine So you were thinking this was going to be a good film? Shame on you, Space monkeys! Shame! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  25-Apr-2003 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  10-Jul-2003


Directed by
  Rick De Olivereira

Written by
  "Reality!"

Cast
  16 horny bastards



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