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Overall Rating
1.63

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 16.67%
Average: 0%
Pretty Bad: 12.96%
Total Crap70.37%

4 reviews, 30 user ratings


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Real Cancun, The
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by Erik Childress

"A Sad, Sad Reality"
2 stars

I was originally going to conduct a review as a faux interview between the 16 stars of THE REAL CANCUN, but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything interesting that could possibly originate in their brains to come out of their mouths. OK granted, that’s a stereotype of the Spring Break crowd that’s perpetuated by tales of partying, drinking and whorin’ along the South Seas and images on MTV and GIRLS GONE WILD videos. But how else are we supposed to view these people when even a film labeled as “real” is not a documentary about college kids’ favorite sun spot, but a condensed season of THE REAL WORLD without the confessionals.

In an upcoming horror film called Cabin Fever, five college students take a trip to the woods and become infected with a skin-peeling virus. No such luck in The Real Cancun, which is a shame since the body count would have made Darwin laugh in his grave. The producers of the film conducted interviews and chose 16 able-bodied youngsters to shack up together for eight days while the cameras rolled. Sixteen. While the film does buckle down to concentrate on only a few of their stories, most of them are so indistinguishable in both appearance and personality that even the film’s press notes were of no help to me.

Roxanne and Nicole are a pair of 19-year old twins from Texas. I don’t know if they’re identical and I couldn’t pick them out in a crowd. Jorell and Paul are African-American friends from Los Angeles; the latter a true playa and the former the chubby comic relief who is more talk than execution with the ladies. Casey, 25, is an aspiring model from Miami that had me searching for my standard responses to such a guy like “look at this fuckin’ guy” and “tool.” Heidi and David are the two innocent unrequited best friends. He’s an aspiring songwriter who sings a song about the 80s even though he’s only 18 and she’s the palest girl I’ve ever seen. Ghosts wearing skin cream have more pigment.

But the star of this show turns out to be Alan, the fresh-faced goody-two-shoes who has never taken a drink in his life and sure as hell has never been with a girl. He’s the shy guy we want to root for (in a fictional film) and hope he won’t fall prey to temptation. This, despite his propensity to pepper his lonely guy routine with statements like “I just wanna see boobies” and “I want hooters.” “Don’t corrupt him,” says one of the anonymous chicks at the villa. Too late honey, since you decided to offer that nugget of wisdom after we’ve seen days of tequila shots (do they drink any other form of alcohol?), body shots, an embarrassing display at a Hot Bod contest and various tongue kisses with random women. Did we learn nothing from Bobby C. in Saturday Night Fever?

Audience members will likely take a rooting interest in Alan’s exploits, but most of it will reek with the same kind of false appreciation of the popular kids giving their best Arsenio cheer to the nerd in the room. Fun exploitation at the party and then back to mocking Monday morning at school. Sky, the “token black girl” as she refers to herself bets everyone she’ll give Alan his first shot and later flirts excessively with Paul only to turn into Miss Hard-to-Get Game Playa before he can give HER a shot.

Hypocrisy takes on a new level with Wisconsinite Laura though who has a boyfriend back home but fancies ASU graduate, Jeremy, spending many a moonlit night talking to him. When Jeremy goes off the range and brings home a clubgirl, Laura refuses to talk to him the rest of the trip while reminding everyone that she’s going home to a true boyfriend. Hopefully, that gentleman suitor will take the appropriate actions after seeing this movie, leaving Laura to pursue a shot on The Bachelor where relationships begin and die before the show ever airs. (In all fairness, this could have been Sara & Matt but, alas, I couldn’t tell.)

Reality TV is one of the greatest scourges to ever hit home viewing. The day is rapidly approaching when these cheaply-produced shows will outnumber the sitcoms, dramas and actioners to the point where writers and actors become non-existent and we get to see more jackasses like Casey on the air. What are these shows if nothing more than cash cows for the producers that offer the proverbial 15 minutes to good-looking talentless fame seekers? (Jorell and Paul admit early on that they’re out there to be a star.)

Reality is never the same when followed by six camera crews 24 hours a day. Consider the manipulation of a scene where Sara is stung by a jellyfish when bungi jumping. This clearly was a surprise incident, yet the editors have spliced in footage of the gooey biter (the jellyfish, not one of the girls) with the actual jump and supplied an enhanced scream on the soundtrack. The cutesy “pee cure” scene that follows I saw on Friends at the beginning of season four. The only “reality” I can get behind in a “film” like this is when Casey says, “someone give me a gun so I can shoot myself.” That’s not such a harsh statement when the only sympathy you can offer in a “story” about 16 spoiled pretty people is for the pool cleaner at the end of the week.

There are moments in the film that do elicit some genuine humor. A surprise flash of wit like Alan’s “I wish you didn’t have to be a psychiatrist to get a girlfriend” or a Sombrero band waking up the hangover crowd does find its way through the endless days and nights of drinking, look for tits, ass-shaking and repeat. The revelation that more than a few of the houseguests are virgins is a priceless moment and I even found myself doing a complete 180 on my initial impression of Jorell from a loudmouth potential date rapist to a genuinely sincere guy. Of course, the filmmakers don’t exactly have a point of view on these people so anything we bring to the party consists of laughing at their stupidity or unveiling our own imbecility by laughing with them. But who’s to say what is appropriate since the only POV the filmmakers have is the one where dead presidents are staring back at them.

How THE REAL CANCUN was not rated NC-17 is beyond me. Fake, simulated sex in adult-themed movies (not “X”-rated) have more trouble with the MPAA than a “real” film where couples are clearly engaging in actual sex. The wet T-shirt contest on display has some of the most graphic footage I’ve EVER seen outside an actual “X”-rated flick. I’ll remember that, you crusaders for parents and fighters of indecent behavior the next time you give grief to a film like EYES WIDE SHUT or SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT. Then again, if this trend continues, you’ll no longer have to worry about “fictional” films. And what a sad reality that will be.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=7565&reviewer=198
originally posted: 04/25/03 08:25:35
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User Comments

9/22/17 morris campbell dul college crowd crap 1 stars
10/16/15 David Hollingsworth Pure unnecessary crap 1 stars
8/30/05 ES EricDSnider says it best, definately an interesting film 4 stars
3/21/05 Abbath Seing people like this make me lose faith in humanity. 1 stars
9/11/04 JonBenet Ramsey's Ghost Ay, Caramba! Seems my would-be college days weren't worth surviving for! 1 stars
3/02/04 blue It's sad because people like this actually exist out there! I HATE MTV!!! 1 stars
12/14/03 movieman bull 1 stars
9/02/03 Rick Just crap 1 stars
7/26/03 viking If you like this kind of crap, grow up and get a life !!!!! 1 stars
7/15/03 Chris Good for a few laughs if nothing else 4 stars
7/13/03 alien assassin I can't wait to see the reissue of "Porky's" on DVD. It least it had a story to it !!!! 1 stars
7/11/03 Katy Funny film, good for a laugh, Alan is hilarious!!! 4 stars
6/10/03 MTV is Satan It was a fiasco in the box office, HA HA HA HA 1 stars
5/31/03 Jenna Furr I kept waiting for something to happen. It didn't. 2 stars
5/31/03 JonBenet Ramsey's Ghost Ay, Caramba! Seems my would-be college days weren't worth surviving for! 1 stars
5/15/03 Zach Never saw it, nerver will. HATE MTV. HATE Real Word. Etc. 1 stars
5/13/03 Todd MTV= Makes Todd Vomit 1 stars
5/08/03 John Lipian Wow! This is one of the most absurdly idiotic and dumb movies ever made! Hooters is better 1 stars
5/07/03 E-Rock I didn't see it. If it's got MTV's name on it, it HAS to be crap. I suggest staying home... 1 stars
5/07/03 leroyjones are u serious...luckily i snuck into the movie so i didnt have to pay to watch this 1 stars
5/06/03 moron this movie would have been better with lesbian hookers 1 stars
5/04/03 Kaonashi I'm glad this movie bombed, because I don't know how I could have lived were it successful. 1 stars
5/01/03 krys movie sucked- I did more in cancun than they did!!!! 1 stars
4/30/03 Dana Carvey must DIE!!! Wouldn't see it if I was payed to, but here's a rating anyway because THIS SHIT MUST STOP! 1 stars
4/29/03 Atanu Its time to say, FUCK the human race. 1 stars
4/27/03 Robb Morpheus A total trash wallow made for morons and 12 year old boys. 1 stars
4/26/03 Bluto McBlurt A case of, well duh! 1 stars
4/26/03 fzsdfsdf SUCKS ASS! 1 stars
4/26/03 Andrew Carden Horrid, Unfunny "Reality" Movie. The Partying Is More Obnoxious Than A Julie Andrews Song. 1 stars
4/26/03 Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine So you were thinking this was going to be a good film? Shame on you, Space monkeys! Shame! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  25-Apr-2003 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  10-Jul-2003


Directed by
  Rick De Olivereira

Written by
  "Reality!"

Cast
  16 horny bastards



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