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Hi. My name Oog Cannibal. Saw movie last night. “Wrong Turn.” Ad intrigued me. Movie about cannibals? Must see. Members of United Cannibal Network emailed me. “Oog,” said him. “Must see ‘Wrong Turn.’ Hollywood got right. Us cannibals. Depicted accurately. Grunt.” Excited. Cannibal get mostly bad wrap from movie people. Eating fun. Eating human better. Store leftovers in fridge. Never clean. Wear overalls. Keep back hump in shape for hiking. Drive “Sanford and Son” automobile. Woods. Backwoods. No one around. Movie sound good to me. “Wrong Turn.” How could movie not be right?Truth: Movie kind of dumb. Dumb for me, too. Stan Winston do make-up. Think Winston got bothered too much from writer/director team Alan McElroy and Rob Schmidt. Got fed-up. Threw some old Augnaut masks from “Empire Strikes Back” at creators. Screamed “Here, take these. Now leave me alone!” Most likely. Still, got right. We look and talk like that. But no talk from cannibals. Grunts and ooogs only. Three cannibal. Two big and stocky, like myself. One thin, small and gangly. Richard O’Brien and Crypt Keeper rolled as one. Remind me of cousin Glagh. Glagh not smart, like movie.
Movie take place in woods. Five humans. One make wrong turn. Not surprised. Him sad. He named Chris. Acted by Desmond Harrington. Him hate acting. Can’t do it. Bored. No character for him to play. Says lines. Walks. Him crashes car into white van. More humans. Five of them. Three woman folk, one played by Eliza Dushku. Oog like “Bring It On.” Two men folk, too. One wear Bono specs. Oog hate. Other do bad Elliot Gould imitation while talking about music. Oog hate even more. Inconsequential. Oog got hungry.
One by one, they get killed. Dragged to cannibal house and eaten. Rest stayed in storage (Better that way. Stay fresh. Like Hefty zip-lock. Glad, too. Teeth and lungs we eat in summer. Spleen-wich). Elliot Gould-man get killed with arrow. Quality. Some get axe. Three survivors up in tree. Cannibal smart. Cannibal know wood burn. Human jump around trees. Vaguely sunny for nighttime. Golden sunny forest. Too sunny. Bright. Thinks cinematographer should invest in light meter. Easily a 5.6 to 8 spilt would cure harsh hues of sun. And keep natural. Sven Nykvist agree. Counted six helicopter shots. All same.
Oog favorite part: Sherriff has four lines. Takes one for the team. Quality kill, yes. But Oog sad. Movie about cannibal shows cannibal not being cannibal. They run round with arrows, axes and trucks, but no eat. Only see discarded remains on table. Leg missing. Never see cannibal eat leg. Only leftovers. Not cannibal. Not true. Bad ethical treatment of cannibal. Oog protest. Want see cannibal eat food. Otherwise, no cannibal. Just storage monkey. Pack rats. Not accurate. What wrong with Grunt he recommend movie to me?“Wrong Turn” no live up to hype. Hence no hype from studio. 20th Century Fox remove logo at beginning. Them sad. No want association. Oog not blame them. “Wrong Turn” bad. Audience know too. Audience laugh. Cheer when humans get killed. Oog notice plenty of red and green squiggly lines on Word document with every sentence. Oog tired of writing review. No more to say. No not go. “Wrong Turn” get two digit down. Oog hungry. Want Pop-Tart.