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Overall Rating

Awesome: 23.48%
Worth A Look: 6.96%
Average: 6.52%
Pretty Bad: 2.61%
Total Crap60.43%

8 reviews, 182 user ratings

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Bad Boys 2
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by Erik Childress

"One Of The Most (any 6 adjectives for hate) Movies I've Ever Seen!"
1 stars

About a week before the screening of Bad Boys II, I contracted a slight sunburn on my arm. Now, the laws of the human body will define what happens next. But, sitting through the sequel that reeks more of career resurrections than necessity made me rethink the laws of biology. It wasn't until after the screening was over, a full 140 minutes-plus of the most vile, reprehensible, repugnant, pointless, humorless, self-indulgent, new-adjective-creator-for-hate piece of corpse-laden excrement I've seen in a long time, did I begin to believe that I had not begun to peel, but had in fact concocted some sort of flesh-eating virus.

In the opening moments of Bad Boys II, we're treated to an assembly line of Ecstasy, slo-mo bullet shots to the neck, A KKK rally and Henry Rollins. As Slim Pickens might have said, "a man could spend a pretty good week in Vegas with all that stuff." But even that city couldn't hold the amount of sin that Bad Boys II packs into its 147 minutes.

Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) and Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) are still partners; despite two throwaway moments suggesting that Burnett is so fed up with Mike that he's transferring. They're on the trail of a dirty, greasy drug dealer, played by Jordi Molla, who played a dirty, greasy drug dealer in Blow. This time the drug is the aforementioned Ecstasy, which allows director Michael Bay, moral crusader he is, to show the potential spastic pukey effects of the party drug in a rave sequence that makes the one in The Matrix Reloaded endurable by comparison. Just be thankful that Bay didn't decide to actually make the camera go through anyone's vagina on the dance floor.

Burnett's now got a baby sister to keep interrupting the plot. Sydney (Gabrielle Union) is actually involved as an undercover DEA officer on the same trail of their case, and involved with Lowrey unbeknownst to Marcus. Sydney is so deep, deep, deep, DEEP undercover that she has time to hang out with the pair mere minutes after being involved with the enemy; only to keep reminding everyone that she doesn't want her cover to be blown and how the DEA doesn't need the help of the Miami police, despite apparently only having about four members on the job. Oh God, why am I even bothering?

I thought of Seinfeld during the film for several reasons. (1) To put myself in a happy place from which hopefully I could never return. (2) One of the "street toughs" who robbed Elaine's armouir plays a cop. ("Do you want me to hurt you? Because if you like - I could hurt you.") No thanks, the movie is doing a fine job. (3) Elaine once asked if you could die from vomit; say actually stuck in a vomitorium for an extended period of time. 147 minutes anyone?

Why is he bringing up that running time? Action movies have been getting longer and longer. Terminator 2, Face/Off, Minority Report, even Bay's The Rock clocks in at around 140. But this is freakin' Bad Boys! It's your routine buddy cop movie. It isn't about ideas. It doesn't have a story. It's about an egomaniacal director letting the camera run on-and-on while the two stars trade the kind of unfunny, forced banter that would never be worthy of outtakes, a gag reel or deleted footage on the DVD. Actually, the gag reel needs to be rethought, but here are ten examples that could have been chopped, stepped on, thrown in the toilet, done business on and flushed to save the human race from ever experiencing it.

(1) Bay's cameo - Yeah, it's only 45 seconds long but it's the first thing that should go you Hitchcockian Jim Cameron wannabe. Unless it's you roasting in hell or commanding your spawn from the nether regions, I don't want to see it.

(2) Dan Marino's cameo - Why? I like Dan Marino, but why? Because it's in Miami? What does this have to do with Bad Boys? Was it a leftover celebrity cameo from screenwriter Ron Shelton's Hollywood Homicide? Unless it involves Snowflake the dolphin or him not winning a super bowl, what is there to see?

(3) The electronics store - The two cops can find no other place to watch a video tape except this public venue. Sex appears on the screen, upsetting several patrons who then watch as Mike & Marcus get caught in full Three's Company mode talking about the shot given to Marcus' ass. You fill in the holes.

(4) The domestic sequences - The family is never in danger. The film ain't about its characters. Why even give the greasy drug dealer an overweight daughter and a double-barrel packin' mama? Why are we even bothering with the family lunch and the number 5 scene? You ain't even in the league of Lethal Weapon.

(5) The daughter's date - Lawrence worries about his 15-year old daughter going out on her first date. So he comes to the door, verbally abuses the shy, cornrolled youngster and then Smith backs him up, pretending to be the drunk uncle, waves a gun in his face and then asks if he'd like to fuck guys.

(6) Rat sex - I kid you not. There is rat sex in this movie. Legs spread and thrust city. Bay reportedly went up to Columbia pictures chairwoman Amy Pascal and said "Amy, trust me, it's going to be funny. I found where I can train rats to fuck for $3,500!"' Apparently, he also found a way he can get sheep to pay $9 to see a movie.

(7) The racist jabs - Not only does the drug dealer keep referring to them as the two "BLLLAACCKKK" cops and his mother asking if Gabrielle Union is "a negro," but even fellow cops join in on the fun. Two Mexican cops talking to the two "BLLLAACCCKKKK" cops. Mexicans pick up relatives in the ocean. Blacks like fried chicken. Thanks a lot, movie. And thanks for the free sheets.

(8) The morgue sequence - Smith graphically searches for ecstasy within the innards of dead bodies in a scene that would make Wilford Brimley in The Thing puke. Lawrence threatens to puke so often that the audience almost succumbs until Bay's coup de grace of lingering on the silicone breasts of a dead female referred to as "the bimbo." Why? Cause she has big boobs? Cause she's dead WITH big boobs? At least Jessica Karr got the final credit on the cast list as "female corpse". Way to go, Jessica!

(9) The ecstasy sequence - Lawrence accidentally swallows two tabs of X and acts like an unfunny idiot. In other words, being himself.

(10) The Cuba Invasion - This is how the movie ends. I kid you not. We end up at Guantanamo Bay with Gabrielle Union telling the bad guy and the audience that she'll throw down her gun…"right by the LANDMINE!" In an amazing incoherence of unity, Lawrence's insistence on saving his sister is backed up by the entire Miami S.W.A.T., the DEA, a cousin who lives in Cuba and friends of the Captain who happen to be in the CIA. Oh yeah, and "they're spies."

With an editor clearly involved in Bay's world of keeping shots to a second and a quarter apiece, how could he not see the value in the chops? Wouldn't have done much but make the movie shorter, but any port in a shitstorm.

And speaking of chopping, Bad Boys II probably has the highest rate of severed limbs since Saving Private Ryan. Villains are chopped up, bazookas separate a few and watch out for that inconspicuous toy car. It's becoming increasing obvious that The Rock worked because of the quirky choices of its cast, because Bay can't shoot an action sequence to save his own limbs. I'd give a right arm if Bay was never allowed to direct again. This is a film that thinks its central chase involving dropping cars off an automobile transport is the pinnacle of originality and then has the audacity to rip off Jackie Chan's Police Story and, for good measure, Charlie Sheen's The Chase. Note to Bay: shaky close-ups does not a chase make. Not even one with Charlie Sheen.

Seeing Bad Boys II at the critic's screening in Chicago was a lot like being in the audience watching Springtime for Hitler on opening night. At first, it's a torrential downpour of horrific detestation and then laughter so thick at how insanely preposterous it all gets. It's shocking that Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy didn't get credit, because there clearly was no script. The modicum of hatred this film creates is unfathomable. Try to resist the urge to punch Smith in the face the sixth time he yells out "WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!" during an action sequence. Maybe Bay can someday blame the film on misinformation he received from the CIA, granting himself permission without justification for the cinematic carnage he's declared on moviegoers everywhere.

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originally posted: 07/18/03 15:12:24
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User Comments

5/03/18 Chuck I see hypocritical liberals doing what they do best, whining about this fun film. 5 stars
9/13/17 morris campbell good action thats about it 1 stars
5/29/15 Mr. Brown Nasty, mean-spirited, grossly misogynistic and, above all - boring. 1 stars
2/23/13 austin a monstrosity 1 stars
10/25/10 Frank Fontaine It's good for what it is, which is generic by-the-numbers action. 1 stars
8/03/10 Daniel This movie is the best movie i have ever seen so u all shut the fuck up 5 stars
6/23/10 sanchez awsome movie worth watching 5 stars
9/12/09 Sugarfoot It really is as awful as the reviews would indicate. 1 stars
8/09/09 Gristofer I like Badboys but when i saw the second film.Omg the second one is horrible. 2 stars
6/09/09 freak i hated it 1 stars
7/30/08 the dork knight It took two hours for the bad guy to get shot in slow-motion and die. 3 stars
7/12/08 Keefe A shocking exposition of the rationale behind this cognitively deficient anti-talent 1 stars
5/13/08 Dean This movie is cool. I give it 6.5 out of ten. 3 stars
2/08/08 Anthony Feor doesn't work if tRecycled formula he first film was mediocre too. Bay's worst film. 1 stars
1/26/08 man horrible 1 stars
1/22/08 Dr. Zoidberg Bay is the scum of Hollywood. Period. 1 stars
12/06/07 Pamela White not much better than the first but action scenes are good 3 stars
11/22/07 Quality Mean-spirited and brain-dead in the extreme 1 stars
9/02/07 Tim worst pile of shit, ever 1 stars
6/25/07 Sam Probably the worst film I have ever seen. 1 stars
6/19/07 al smith excellent funny and great action sequences 5 stars
5/13/07 kate hot movie, love Will Smith andit was pretty funny. 4 stars
4/18/07 Stevo UK big dumb action movie that fails regularly, but shouldnt be too off putting for fans. 3 stars
2/21/07 Johnno Michael Bay, do the world a favor and kill yourself!!! 1 stars
1/05/07 jerg Re:Frustrated, your society is already fucked, shit like this is why 1 stars
12/23/06 Warren Collin Souter is an idiot. Very entertaining movie. 5 stars
12/19/06 David Pollastrini HORRIBLE, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE 1 stars
7/30/06 William Goss "That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous." Marginally entertaining, too. 3 stars
5/28/06 John 11/10 BEST MOVIE EVER 5 stars
5/23/06 Jack Sommersby Not all that bad but fatally overlong. 3 stars
5/16/06 steph madeley bluddy brilliant 5 stars
5/16/06 bmac this movie was hoooooottttttttttt so shutup 5 stars
2/07/06 Anthony This goes to show everyone how good sequels are 1 stars
1/13/06 Monster W. Kung A no-brain, moronic monstrosity. 1 stars
12/17/05 Sean D Michael Bay. Save The Planet & Just Fucking Kill Yourself. 1 stars
12/14/05 cooler garbage,garbage,garbage,please Bay kill yourself 1 stars
10/31/05 Dan amazing film shut the hell up you losers sayin its crap 5 stars
10/26/05 jake kutcher the best and the funniest movie ever 5 stars
9/19/05 Jonathon Holmes Micheal Bay's films are the root of all evil, I mean, how else can you explain Bush? 1 stars
9/03/05 tony What a rip off. I should have rented Speed 2. At least i would have enjoyed that. 1 stars
8/22/05 ES Good chemistry between Smith and Lawrence entertains, funny part and decent action 4 stars
7/21/05 Naruto one of the worst movies of all time. my dog does better shit 1 stars
7/12/05 okito the movie was really great but yeah fuckin long 4 stars
7/05/05 JimSmith A really disastrous movie 1 stars
6/29/05 Kankasaur The Bad Boys are in their terrible twos 1 stars
5/01/05 reuben rupp i hate anything with racist comics. and the movie just sucks all together. 1 stars
1/24/05 Jeff Anderson A TRULY RACIST, MORONIC, AND HATEFUL FILM! Ugly to look at and repulsive in the extreme. 1 stars
1/10/05 bana homophobic,sadistic,mysogynistic and cruel bullshit 1 stars
11/02/04 whane this film was the best i have ever seen i would keep watchin it as well 5 stars
10/23/04 ODH I cannot think of one good thing to say about this flick 1 stars
8/24/04 Naka Dear God, what a bad movie. Plot holes abound, and there's no plot. 1 stars
7/26/04 jazzmine debose It was entertaining. Not supposed to be oscar material. chill out you haters 4 stars
7/16/04 Boris Smith Well, at least there was a cool car chase 3 stars
7/15/04 Monster W. Kung Utter ass! 1 stars
6/15/04 Paul Carone Big pile of donkey raping sac of nonsense! 1 stars
5/22/04 Hal Galikakick Bad Boys for Life? I almost pissed myself 1 stars
5/20/04 Stephanie Vallejo It was great! Very funny and keeps you entertained. 5 stars
5/18/04 Dr. Lecter Fuck the sperm and egg that created Michael Bay 1 stars
5/17/04 matty it is the best movie 5 stars
5/13/04  Shaun Rose Great follow-up to the original. Non-stop action and some funny lines 5 stars
5/06/04 J.Peckerfoot What?ethnic cop stuff?hell, i like it. 5 stars
4/24/04 gromm Heh. Heh. Heheheheh. Heheh. Fire! Fire! Heheheheh. Fire's cool! Yah! Heheheheh. 1 stars
4/20/04 Zach Otto This movie is awesome it is sooo good. You people are retarded. 5 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 just bad bad bad...bad 1 stars
3/31/04 Alex This is a fun movie. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are hilarious. Great action as well. 4 stars
3/27/04 Christo Bay, You the man 5 stars
3/10/04 Bori sSmith Great beginning, lousy middle, great ending...All in all, bad comedy, good action 3 stars
3/03/04 john loud obnoxious and obvious - film making with no style substance or integrity! 1 stars
2/21/04 john entertaining. i especially loved jessica karr and her huge boobs. 4 stars
2/17/04 Kane Greatest Film to hit the Big Screen, Scott Weinberg u r a deadset wanker! 5 stars
2/17/04 Apathy Stupid, but entertaining. 4 stars
2/17/04 The Director You Fucking suck Total Crap people! 5 stars
2/15/04 Alfredo All involved need to have their testicles torn off by wild dogs. 1 stars
1/29/04 Alex Awesome 5 stars
1/29/04 J Lawrence and Smith are HILARIOUS and violent! 5 stars
1/22/04 Buck Offensively bad. One of the worst movies I've seen in years. 1 stars
1/16/04 John statman This movie was the bomb 5 stars
12/28/03 danny salzer I liked it alot better than the frist one! 5 stars
12/18/03 Brandi IT ROCKED!!! 5 stars
12/12/03 Igor Some great action scenes but Martin fucked it up. It's worth seeing at least once. 3 stars
12/09/03 Randy Muselman Why did they actually make this film? 1 stars
11/28/03 ROY L. CAIN,JR. ACTION! MAYHEM! VIOLENCE! The team of SMITH & LAWRENCE does it again !!! 5 stars
11/27/03 John unbelievably brainless, stupid and bad - gives action films a bad name 1 stars
11/13/03 Lord Chu Ass sucking. 1 stars
11/13/03 Wayne Smith I think it is a really good film and i want to watch it again 4 stars
10/17/03 Josh Standlee And the award for "Best Duo in a Movie for 2003" goes to: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence! 5 stars
10/15/03 Kate Sobon it's very good 5 stars
10/13/03 Steve You forgot to mention that it was a comedy, and a funny one too. 4 stars
10/12/03 AR The only good thing was the latin song (and latin ladies), when they were on the beach.. 2 stars
10/10/03 Erik Van Sant POOP ON SCREEN IS SILLY. 1 stars
10/07/03 Carlos Mojica Great movie, humor and action atop 5 stars
9/29/03 jimmy d a long thought out thriler with a brilliant twist at the end....oops no it isnt....... 1 stars
9/22/03 Zaharin Hamid aka The Movie Samseng Yes, some parts are really stupid. Nowhere as good as the first one but good enough. 3 stars
9/22/03 Frustrated If people actually enjoyed this movie, I fear for the wellbeing of our society 1 stars
9/20/03 whitney brown hella funny 5 stars
9/19/03 Shams Huque The highway chase was the only good thing... 2 stars
9/12/03 dam dam 5 stars
9/06/03 tim aweful 1 stars
8/30/03 amoviefan Don't look away, might miss something 5 stars
8/29/03 Double G sequals ruin the originals so much, i hate that!!! 1 stars
8/23/03 Collin Smith & Lawernce are tallentless assholes 1 stars
8/21/03 Tierra Reid Its funny as hell, its a good movie 5 stars
8/17/03 Big Nic Felt like the super man ride at six flags 5 stars
8/14/03 nfh BB2 fucked up movie 1 stars
8/13/03 J. R. Hammond Sucks. Horrible. A travesty. Awful. 1 stars
8/11/03 a.g. moore Good escapism and a waste of good cars! 5 stars
8/11/03 Raquel Hassan One of the best of Will and Lawrence 5 stars
8/09/03 Joe Bloggs Jessica Karr = nice tits.... 2 stars
8/08/03 Han terrible! awful! 1 stars
8/08/03 Bea the absolute worst excuse for a movie ever. 1 stars
8/08/03 Kirk Perry I think it was a good movie. 4 stars
8/08/03 Colin You Want Blood Guts And Gore See Freddy Vs Jason And Skip This Forgetable Joke Of A Movie 1 stars
8/07/03 Meh racism is so funny, 1 stars
8/06/03 Andrea ok, i dont know what u people were smoking on, but that was the best damn movie of the yr. 5 stars
8/06/03 jimmy**everyone shut up**bean this movie was awesome...the bitching of martin lawerence was the only downfall 5 stars
8/06/03 Travis Overall exciting/humourous film 4 stars
8/05/03 Mike worst movie of the year so far 1 stars
8/05/03 JK Film Not Bad, Critics on This Site Dopes 3 stars
8/04/03 Oskar dis movie was ridiculously(spelling) awesome i feel sorry for u ppl who thought it was bad 5 stars
8/04/03 Joman this shit sucks 1 stars
8/03/03 HH sucked bad 1 stars
8/03/03 andy funny movie i thought the jokes were funny expecially when martim laurence takes the extaci 5 stars
8/02/03 Dark Barøn The heros are more cruel than the villain. 1 stars
8/02/03 Will and Martin Suck! 1 stars
8/02/03 What?!! Cmon Guys! This movie was just plain awful! What kind of people are you to say it was good? 1 stars
7/31/03 Nicole Didn't see the first, so maybe I am missing something.....had its moments (very few!!) 2 stars
7/30/03 Steve this film was so awful 1 stars
7/29/03 Igor Not much acting or plot. But this is a very entertaining film with some awesome scenes. 5 stars
7/29/03 chris Best Flick of the Summer 5 stars
7/29/03 Collin This Makes The Friday The 13th Series Look Like Shakesphere 1 stars
7/29/03 janet i think it was a great movie. very entertaining 5 stars
7/28/03 Boomer Very entertaining, plenty of comedy, lots of thinks blowing up, car chase off the hook!!! 5 stars
7/28/03 Rob this film was awful, and mean 1 stars
7/28/03 Jason Raksnis Best damn Will Smith movie of all time, 2 thumbs up 5 stars
7/28/03 Renee GREAT MOVIE 5 stars
7/28/03 jason shatley And I guess you enjoyed "28 days later"? 4 stars
7/27/03 Steve I wouldn't watch it if they paid me for the ticket 1 stars
7/26/03 John Franson Afterwards is like being in septic shock. Wanted to rub out my eyes with a brillo pad. 1 stars
7/26/03 BB Sucked!!!! 1 stars
7/26/03 M.G I feel really sorry for those who think this movie was “the best summer action-comedy.” 1 stars
7/25/03 Jaws hated it...... 1 stars
7/24/03 dre I'm sorry I came off like a total dumbass in my previous post. 1 stars
7/24/03 Stephanie I liked the movie it was entertaining and i enjoyed it 5 stars
7/24/03 Jake it's pointless & stupid, slopily writen and over loaded with pointless gore 1 stars
7/24/03 Rachelle Will Smith is good but the movie sucks! 1 stars
7/24/03 dre movie friggin rocks. definately need a stupid un-realistic comedy every now and then 5 stars
7/23/03 John mean spirited movie that had me thinking about leaving 1 stars
7/23/03 Desperado I loved it, sure it was a little dumb and sick in parts, but it was a good movie 3out of4 4 stars
7/23/03 Courtney This movie is not just incredibly bad and unfunny, but it is also very, very boring 1 stars
7/23/03 Angelo Solis Worst Movie I've ever seen 1 stars
7/23/03 Cockerel Chorus Everybody involved in this film should be tortured to death 1 stars
7/22/03 Jay Man Wonderful, hilarious review. Keep up the good work. 1 stars
7/22/03 DC There isn't a word in English to describe the hate this movie welled up in me 1 stars
7/22/03 LoTech if our children are our future then we are now truly fucked if they like this movie 1 stars
7/22/03 Jackie Could see it over and over again ! 5 stars
7/22/03 B-MAN Exactly what I expected from a summer movie. Don't listen to the critics that bash it. 5 stars
7/22/03 pulpbomb Loved it! Pure popcorn! 4 stars
7/22/03 Dan Not the worst film ever made, but pretty horrible. Does not deserve the money it's made. 2 stars
7/22/03 Serge Rodnunsky I crapped my pants because I needed an excuse to leave the theater 1 stars
7/21/03 RMP It is the perfect summer movie 5 stars
7/21/03 dave an embarr-ass-ment of a movie 1 stars
7/21/03 LynCap Not better than the original!! Too long, and too reckless!!! 4 stars
7/21/03 malcolm rats do it missionary style? some good action but just too much of everything else 3 stars
7/21/03 Shawn fuckin awesome!!!!!!! 5 stars
7/21/03 Nikaelah Seen and heard it all before. 3 stars
7/21/03 Robert Anderson Great Movie I enjoyed the film very much 5 stars
7/21/03 Brian the end is really fucking nigh 1 stars
7/21/03 John40 The worst movie to be released in years. 1 stars
7/21/03 Jon Not as bad as most ppl say it is, but its nothing groundbreaking either. 3 stars
7/21/03 The Talking Elbow Ashley says "it was suspensful and TOUCHING" WTF?? Are you snorting glue woman. 1 stars
7/21/03 srburns Yep, racial jokes and homophobic humor *are* funny 4 stars
7/21/03 Earl Dittman - Wireless Magazine Here it is Space Monkeys! A Cinematic cure for constipation! 1 stars
7/21/03 Hate isn't strong enough ANYONE who gives this movie an Awesome rating has no soul 1 stars
7/20/03 David Cross I've taken shits that were more enjoyable than this movie. 1 stars
7/20/03 RenHoek It's official: Bay thinks the average moviegoer has the IQ of a lobotomised tapeworm 1 stars
7/20/03 jawsboy24 Mostly crap. Average acting and a convulted script. Great action, but annoying camera work. 3 stars
7/19/03 Shaun worst movie of the year. I have never felt so insulted by a film. 1 stars
7/19/03 BAD bad 1 stars
7/19/03 Jeff I like it. But everybody has their on voice to speak about it. 5 stars
7/18/03 dave Smith & Lawrence prove they're not big-flick stars 1 stars
7/18/03 Arnold Schwarzenegger This piece of shit won't be back. 1 stars
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  18-Jul-2003 (R)
  DVD: 07-Sep-2004



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