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Overall Rating

Awesome: 23.48%
Worth A Look: 6.96%
Average: 6.52%
Pretty Bad: 2.61%
Total Crap60.43%

8 reviews, 182 user ratings

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Bad Boys 2
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by Collin Souter

"This damn movie never's still playing...make it stop..."
1 stars

I saw this movie on a dare. Seriously, somebody emailed me earlier this week and said, “I triple dog dare you to see ‘Bad Boys II’.” I am not one to turn down a movie dare. I am up for any movie challenge, be it a Josh Hartnett film festival or the Cremaster series. If I haven’t seen it and it carries a notorious reputation for being God-awful, I am up for the challenge. I can always hit back with something else (“Can’t Stop the Music” or “Scooby-Doo.” Take your pick.) This particular dare turned out to be a doozy. What torture, what an ordeal, what a loooooooooooooooong…long…long... I did some online research on the bastard responsible for this cinematic punch to the groin and found the he still keeps a journal, just like he did for “Pearl Harbor.” I compiled the best parts of his diary entries for your own research/entertainment. If you dare, the diary of Michael Bay:

DAY 1: Got my director’s license back. To celebrate, I punched a coke whore in the teeth.

DAY 4: Just had my mother read the script to “Bad Boys II” to me. I made sure she skipped all the talking parts and just read the action scenes. Had an epiphany: A shot that sees the action from a flying bullet’s point of view. In slo-mo. Three times. Sure, it’ll be a repeat of my groundbreaking bomb-falling-point-of-view shot from that battleship movie I made a few years ago, but who cares? By the way, yet another DVD copy of “Dr. Strangelove” has appeared on my doorstep. Every week it’s the same ole’ thing…

DAY 10: Had a great conversation with Will Smith today. Just asked him: “Can you do that thing you did in your last six movies? You know, that thing where you’re just reacting to things and making wisecracks? Forget that thing you did in ‘Al 1.’ You did something weird there and I didn’t get it.” He looked at me a little funny.

“Al 1? Don’t you mean ‘Ali’?”
“Ali? I thought it was a 1. Like there would be an ‘Al 2,’ or something. Go outside, you’re confusing me.”

DAY 14: Begged the studio to let me make a movie about 9/11. “No,” they said. “But you can reference 9/11 in the screenplay to ‘Bad Boys II’ if you like.” Do they not understand the commercial possibilities like I do?

DAY 29: Started shooting today. Literally. HA! That’s a joke, asshole. Anyway, we did some improv on the screenplay. That’s a term actors say, but it sounds too Russian to me. “Just make stuff up,” I say. I made a wish list of lines I would like to hear:
“Get ready to shoot.”
“Start shooting.”
“Shoot the outside.”
“Now that’s what I call shooting.”
“Shoot, shoot, shoot.”
“Where did you learn to shoot?”
“You shot me.”
“I didn’t shoot you.”
“Yes you did, you shot me.”
“A man’s been shot.”
“Don’t shoot.”
“Shoot him.”
“I’ll shoot you in the back of the head.”
“Why aren’t you shooting?”
“Who shot him?”
“I shot him.”

DAY 60: Somehow, and I don’t know how, but a woman came onto the set and started acting. I thought we agreed no woman of substance would appear in any of my movies. Ever. Wouldn’t you know it though, she was written into the script. I took care of that, no problem. Sure, she’s a cop too, but we can dumb her down a bit, make her all hot. That’s all people want anyway. As long as the critics at Maxim are happy.

DAY 81-82: Did some X and watched my favorite movie, “Bustin’ Loose,” with Richard Pryor. That’s the movie where he’s a school bus driver and ends up at a Ku-Klux-Klan rally. I write a similar scene into “Bad Boys II.” I also work in my blue-tinted neon drug trip. I woke up the next morning with my penis stuck in my beloved MTV Movie Award. Again.

DAY 90: Martin Lawrence asked me if we could make a “Bad Boys III” when he’s done with “Big Momma’s House 2.” I can tell he really wants to prove himself to the critics. Don’t we all, Martin. Don’t we all.

DAY 111: Took a day off from filming today. Spent it in a nice, quiet coffee shop reading Persuasion, by Jane Austin. I noticed a quaint little semi truck sitting across the street. There it was. Just sitting there. Minding its own business. Mocking me. The truck started to mock me. It laughed at me. Why was it laughing at me? I couldn’t take it anymore. I lobbed ten grenades in its direction and blew the fucker to kingdom come. That’ll show it!

Luckily, I had ten cameras rolling as well. We cut it together, worked it into the movie and nobody seems to notice it has nothing to do with anything.

DAY 160: Saw “Gods and Generals” today, the Director’s Cut. I figure if I can make a movie only half as long, but one that feels twice as long, then I will be a genius. I make it my goal.

DAY 220: I decide to throw in some villains, just for the sake of continuity. I get Jordi Molla to play a Cuban-born drug czar with a mortuary and Peter Stormare to play a Russian mobster named Alexei. I’m 99% sure I am the only person in the history of Hollywood action movies to have these two kinds of characters in a movie. I’m pretty sure.

DAY 241: I decide I need at least six more action scenes if I’m going to get this movie to work. I’m tired of all these talking scenes between all these actors. All they ever do is rehearse and talk and go over the scene. Can’t we just blow things up? I tried “the talking scenes” in that war movie and I got in trouble. I don’t want that to happen again. Joe Pantoliano showed up today to play the frustrated police supervisor. Again, more talking.

DAY 286: Began post-production editing. My first editor let an entire shot run over four seconds. Four whole seconds. What am I? Kubrick? That’s just plain ludicrous. If kids don’t see a cut after three seconds, they lose interest. They look at the time on their cell phones and figure this movie is “too artsy.” That’s just not me. I can’t make a movie like that. We need cuts, fast ones, ones that run every one or two, maybe three seconds. Cuts. Cuts. Cuts. That’s what the kids want. We’re competing with MTV, the internet, cell phones, MP3s, X, pornography, PlayStation…We need to keep the attention of the kids. When something lingers more than a second, it’s time to start thinking about the next image, and I mean NOW! Sure, it’s a Rated-R movie and kids are too young for it, but still…adults are pretty stupid too, when you think about it. Fast, fast, fast, cut, cut, cut, die, die, die!!!

DAY 350: The first cut comes in at 121 minutes. 121 minutes of straight blow-shit-up and I couldn’t be happier. Then Bruckheimer brings in Ron Shelton to add some “character stuff,” so we can pad the movie out to about 2 ˝ hours. I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I don’t argue it. This is guy behind “Bad Company.” He knows what he’s talking about.

DAY 352: I suggest also padding the movie out with tons of slo-mo shots of Will Smith emptying his cartridge of bullets and looking like Jesus.

DAY 361: We got the actors back to shoot the “character stuff” that Shelton wrote.

DAY 362: Finished the “character stuff.”

DAY 363: Added the “character stuff” into the final cut.

DAY 364: With the “character stuff,” the final cut turns out to be 146 minutes.

DAY 365: Ron Shelton punches me.

DAY 405: Opening day. The reviews are in. “Bad Boys II” does not suffer by comparison with the first “Bad Boys” movie. In fact, most critics don’t even link the two together. For the most part, the sequel stands on its own as “cinematic anal gang-rape followed by several punches to the groin,” to quote critic Collin Souter. He also called it “Loud, crass, shrill commercial filmmaking at its worst.” Although he did praise it as “only slightly less pleasant than the first half of ‘Irreversible.’” Hey, he said slightly less.

No matter. We can always count on Tony Toscano of Talking Pictures and Wendy Wheaton of The Hollywood Scoop to give us some good quotes. It’s out of my hands anyway. I made my movie. Now, I’m off to completely bastardize the horror classic “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”


If you’d like to read the “Pearl Harbor diaries,” you can do so by going to:

Personally, I could never triple-dog dare anybody to see this movie. I would rather you press your tongue onto a flagpole in the freezing cold and let it stick for at least an hour. That would rest easier on my conscience. I could sleep at night if I put somebody up to that. But this, no. No, you should really stay away. Be happy with your life. Live it. Enjoy your time on God’s great earth. Love the one you’re with. I triple dog dare you to NOT see this movie. There. That should do it.

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originally posted: 07/21/03 14:42:16
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User Comments

5/03/18 Chuck I see hypocritical liberals doing what they do best, whining about this fun film. 5 stars
9/13/17 morris campbell good action thats about it 1 stars
5/29/15 Mr. Brown Nasty, mean-spirited, grossly misogynistic and, above all - boring. 1 stars
2/23/13 austin a monstrosity 1 stars
10/25/10 Frank Fontaine It's good for what it is, which is generic by-the-numbers action. 1 stars
8/03/10 Daniel This movie is the best movie i have ever seen so u all shut the fuck up 5 stars
6/23/10 sanchez awsome movie worth watching 5 stars
9/12/09 Sugarfoot It really is as awful as the reviews would indicate. 1 stars
8/09/09 Gristofer I like Badboys but when i saw the second film.Omg the second one is horrible. 2 stars
6/09/09 freak i hated it 1 stars
7/30/08 the dork knight It took two hours for the bad guy to get shot in slow-motion and die. 3 stars
7/12/08 Keefe A shocking exposition of the rationale behind this cognitively deficient anti-talent 1 stars
5/13/08 Dean This movie is cool. I give it 6.5 out of ten. 3 stars
2/08/08 Anthony Feor doesn't work if tRecycled formula he first film was mediocre too. Bay's worst film. 1 stars
1/26/08 man horrible 1 stars
1/22/08 Dr. Zoidberg Bay is the scum of Hollywood. Period. 1 stars
12/06/07 Pamela White not much better than the first but action scenes are good 3 stars
11/22/07 Quality Mean-spirited and brain-dead in the extreme 1 stars
9/02/07 Tim worst pile of shit, ever 1 stars
6/25/07 Sam Probably the worst film I have ever seen. 1 stars
6/19/07 al smith excellent funny and great action sequences 5 stars
5/13/07 kate hot movie, love Will Smith andit was pretty funny. 4 stars
4/18/07 Stevo UK big dumb action movie that fails regularly, but shouldnt be too off putting for fans. 3 stars
2/21/07 Johnno Michael Bay, do the world a favor and kill yourself!!! 1 stars
1/05/07 jerg Re:Frustrated, your society is already fucked, shit like this is why 1 stars
12/23/06 Warren Collin Souter is an idiot. Very entertaining movie. 5 stars
12/19/06 David Pollastrini HORRIBLE, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE 1 stars
7/30/06 William Goss "That was reckless, that was stupid, and that was dangerous." Marginally entertaining, too. 3 stars
5/28/06 John 11/10 BEST MOVIE EVER 5 stars
5/23/06 Jack Sommersby Not all that bad but fatally overlong. 3 stars
5/16/06 steph madeley bluddy brilliant 5 stars
5/16/06 bmac this movie was hoooooottttttttttt so shutup 5 stars
2/07/06 Anthony This goes to show everyone how good sequels are 1 stars
1/13/06 Monster W. Kung A no-brain, moronic monstrosity. 1 stars
12/17/05 Sean D Michael Bay. Save The Planet & Just Fucking Kill Yourself. 1 stars
12/14/05 cooler garbage,garbage,garbage,please Bay kill yourself 1 stars
10/31/05 Dan amazing film shut the hell up you losers sayin its crap 5 stars
10/26/05 jake kutcher the best and the funniest movie ever 5 stars
9/19/05 Jonathon Holmes Micheal Bay's films are the root of all evil, I mean, how else can you explain Bush? 1 stars
9/03/05 tony What a rip off. I should have rented Speed 2. At least i would have enjoyed that. 1 stars
8/22/05 ES Good chemistry between Smith and Lawrence entertains, funny part and decent action 4 stars
7/21/05 Naruto one of the worst movies of all time. my dog does better shit 1 stars
7/12/05 okito the movie was really great but yeah fuckin long 4 stars
7/05/05 JimSmith A really disastrous movie 1 stars
6/29/05 Kankasaur The Bad Boys are in their terrible twos 1 stars
5/01/05 reuben rupp i hate anything with racist comics. and the movie just sucks all together. 1 stars
1/24/05 Jeff Anderson A TRULY RACIST, MORONIC, AND HATEFUL FILM! Ugly to look at and repulsive in the extreme. 1 stars
1/10/05 bana homophobic,sadistic,mysogynistic and cruel bullshit 1 stars
11/02/04 whane this film was the best i have ever seen i would keep watchin it as well 5 stars
10/23/04 ODH I cannot think of one good thing to say about this flick 1 stars
8/24/04 Naka Dear God, what a bad movie. Plot holes abound, and there's no plot. 1 stars
7/26/04 jazzmine debose It was entertaining. Not supposed to be oscar material. chill out you haters 4 stars
7/16/04 Boris Smith Well, at least there was a cool car chase 3 stars
7/15/04 Monster W. Kung Utter ass! 1 stars
6/15/04 Paul Carone Big pile of donkey raping sac of nonsense! 1 stars
5/22/04 Hal Galikakick Bad Boys for Life? I almost pissed myself 1 stars
5/20/04 Stephanie Vallejo It was great! Very funny and keeps you entertained. 5 stars
5/18/04 Dr. Lecter Fuck the sperm and egg that created Michael Bay 1 stars
5/17/04 matty it is the best movie 5 stars
5/13/04  Shaun Rose Great follow-up to the original. Non-stop action and some funny lines 5 stars
5/06/04 J.Peckerfoot What?ethnic cop stuff?hell, i like it. 5 stars
4/24/04 gromm Heh. Heh. Heheheheh. Heheh. Fire! Fire! Heheheheh. Fire's cool! Yah! Heheheheh. 1 stars
4/20/04 Zach Otto This movie is awesome it is sooo good. You people are retarded. 5 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 just bad bad bad...bad 1 stars
3/31/04 Alex This is a fun movie. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are hilarious. Great action as well. 4 stars
3/27/04 Christo Bay, You the man 5 stars
3/10/04 Bori sSmith Great beginning, lousy middle, great ending...All in all, bad comedy, good action 3 stars
3/03/04 john loud obnoxious and obvious - film making with no style substance or integrity! 1 stars
2/21/04 john entertaining. i especially loved jessica karr and her huge boobs. 4 stars
2/17/04 Kane Greatest Film to hit the Big Screen, Scott Weinberg u r a deadset wanker! 5 stars
2/17/04 Apathy Stupid, but entertaining. 4 stars
2/17/04 The Director You Fucking suck Total Crap people! 5 stars
2/15/04 Alfredo All involved need to have their testicles torn off by wild dogs. 1 stars
1/29/04 Alex Awesome 5 stars
1/29/04 J Lawrence and Smith are HILARIOUS and violent! 5 stars
1/22/04 Buck Offensively bad. One of the worst movies I've seen in years. 1 stars
1/16/04 John statman This movie was the bomb 5 stars
12/28/03 danny salzer I liked it alot better than the frist one! 5 stars
12/18/03 Brandi IT ROCKED!!! 5 stars
12/12/03 Igor Some great action scenes but Martin fucked it up. It's worth seeing at least once. 3 stars
12/09/03 Randy Muselman Why did they actually make this film? 1 stars
11/28/03 ROY L. CAIN,JR. ACTION! MAYHEM! VIOLENCE! The team of SMITH & LAWRENCE does it again !!! 5 stars
11/27/03 John unbelievably brainless, stupid and bad - gives action films a bad name 1 stars
11/13/03 Lord Chu Ass sucking. 1 stars
11/13/03 Wayne Smith I think it is a really good film and i want to watch it again 4 stars
10/17/03 Josh Standlee And the award for "Best Duo in a Movie for 2003" goes to: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence! 5 stars
10/15/03 Kate Sobon it's very good 5 stars
10/13/03 Steve You forgot to mention that it was a comedy, and a funny one too. 4 stars
10/12/03 AR The only good thing was the latin song (and latin ladies), when they were on the beach.. 2 stars
10/10/03 Erik Van Sant POOP ON SCREEN IS SILLY. 1 stars
10/07/03 Carlos Mojica Great movie, humor and action atop 5 stars
9/29/03 jimmy d a long thought out thriler with a brilliant twist at the end....oops no it isnt....... 1 stars
9/22/03 Zaharin Hamid aka The Movie Samseng Yes, some parts are really stupid. Nowhere as good as the first one but good enough. 3 stars
9/22/03 Frustrated If people actually enjoyed this movie, I fear for the wellbeing of our society 1 stars
9/20/03 whitney brown hella funny 5 stars
9/19/03 Shams Huque The highway chase was the only good thing... 2 stars
9/12/03 dam dam 5 stars
9/06/03 tim aweful 1 stars
8/30/03 amoviefan Don't look away, might miss something 5 stars
8/29/03 Double G sequals ruin the originals so much, i hate that!!! 1 stars
8/23/03 Collin Smith & Lawernce are tallentless assholes 1 stars
8/21/03 Tierra Reid Its funny as hell, its a good movie 5 stars
8/17/03 Big Nic Felt like the super man ride at six flags 5 stars
8/14/03 nfh BB2 fucked up movie 1 stars
8/13/03 J. R. Hammond Sucks. Horrible. A travesty. Awful. 1 stars
8/11/03 a.g. moore Good escapism and a waste of good cars! 5 stars
8/11/03 Raquel Hassan One of the best of Will and Lawrence 5 stars
8/09/03 Joe Bloggs Jessica Karr = nice tits.... 2 stars
8/08/03 Han terrible! awful! 1 stars
8/08/03 Bea the absolute worst excuse for a movie ever. 1 stars
8/08/03 Kirk Perry I think it was a good movie. 4 stars
8/08/03 Colin You Want Blood Guts And Gore See Freddy Vs Jason And Skip This Forgetable Joke Of A Movie 1 stars
8/07/03 Meh racism is so funny, 1 stars
8/06/03 Andrea ok, i dont know what u people were smoking on, but that was the best damn movie of the yr. 5 stars
8/06/03 jimmy**everyone shut up**bean this movie was awesome...the bitching of martin lawerence was the only downfall 5 stars
8/06/03 Travis Overall exciting/humourous film 4 stars
8/05/03 Mike worst movie of the year so far 1 stars
8/05/03 JK Film Not Bad, Critics on This Site Dopes 3 stars
8/04/03 Oskar dis movie was ridiculously(spelling) awesome i feel sorry for u ppl who thought it was bad 5 stars
8/04/03 Joman this shit sucks 1 stars
8/03/03 HH sucked bad 1 stars
8/03/03 andy funny movie i thought the jokes were funny expecially when martim laurence takes the extaci 5 stars
8/02/03 Dark Barřn The heros are more cruel than the villain. 1 stars
8/02/03 Will and Martin Suck! 1 stars
8/02/03 What?!! Cmon Guys! This movie was just plain awful! What kind of people are you to say it was good? 1 stars
7/31/03 Nicole Didn't see the first, so maybe I am missing something.....had its moments (very few!!) 2 stars
7/30/03 Steve this film was so awful 1 stars
7/29/03 Igor Not much acting or plot. But this is a very entertaining film with some awesome scenes. 5 stars
7/29/03 chris Best Flick of the Summer 5 stars
7/29/03 Collin This Makes The Friday The 13th Series Look Like Shakesphere 1 stars
7/29/03 janet i think it was a great movie. very entertaining 5 stars
7/28/03 Boomer Very entertaining, plenty of comedy, lots of thinks blowing up, car chase off the hook!!! 5 stars
7/28/03 Rob this film was awful, and mean 1 stars
7/28/03 Jason Raksnis Best damn Will Smith movie of all time, 2 thumbs up 5 stars
7/28/03 Renee GREAT MOVIE 5 stars
7/28/03 jason shatley And I guess you enjoyed "28 days later"? 4 stars
7/27/03 Steve I wouldn't watch it if they paid me for the ticket 1 stars
7/26/03 John Franson Afterwards is like being in septic shock. Wanted to rub out my eyes with a brillo pad. 1 stars
7/26/03 BB Sucked!!!! 1 stars
7/26/03 M.G I feel really sorry for those who think this movie was “the best summer action-comedy.” 1 stars
7/25/03 Jaws hated it...... 1 stars
7/24/03 dre I'm sorry I came off like a total dumbass in my previous post. 1 stars
7/24/03 Stephanie I liked the movie it was entertaining and i enjoyed it 5 stars
7/24/03 Jake it's pointless & stupid, slopily writen and over loaded with pointless gore 1 stars
7/24/03 Rachelle Will Smith is good but the movie sucks! 1 stars
7/24/03 dre movie friggin rocks. definately need a stupid un-realistic comedy every now and then 5 stars
7/23/03 John mean spirited movie that had me thinking about leaving 1 stars
7/23/03 Desperado I loved it, sure it was a little dumb and sick in parts, but it was a good movie 3out of4 4 stars
7/23/03 Courtney This movie is not just incredibly bad and unfunny, but it is also very, very boring 1 stars
7/23/03 Angelo Solis Worst Movie I've ever seen 1 stars
7/23/03 Cockerel Chorus Everybody involved in this film should be tortured to death 1 stars
7/22/03 Jay Man Wonderful, hilarious review. Keep up the good work. 1 stars
7/22/03 DC There isn't a word in English to describe the hate this movie welled up in me 1 stars
7/22/03 LoTech if our children are our future then we are now truly fucked if they like this movie 1 stars
7/22/03 Jackie Could see it over and over again ! 5 stars
7/22/03 B-MAN Exactly what I expected from a summer movie. Don't listen to the critics that bash it. 5 stars
7/22/03 pulpbomb Loved it! Pure popcorn! 4 stars
7/22/03 Dan Not the worst film ever made, but pretty horrible. Does not deserve the money it's made. 2 stars
7/22/03 Serge Rodnunsky I crapped my pants because I needed an excuse to leave the theater 1 stars
7/21/03 RMP It is the perfect summer movie 5 stars
7/21/03 dave an embarr-ass-ment of a movie 1 stars
7/21/03 LynCap Not better than the original!! Too long, and too reckless!!! 4 stars
7/21/03 malcolm rats do it missionary style? some good action but just too much of everything else 3 stars
7/21/03 Shawn fuckin awesome!!!!!!! 5 stars
7/21/03 Nikaelah Seen and heard it all before. 3 stars
7/21/03 Robert Anderson Great Movie I enjoyed the film very much 5 stars
7/21/03 Brian the end is really fucking nigh 1 stars
7/21/03 John40 The worst movie to be released in years. 1 stars
7/21/03 Jon Not as bad as most ppl say it is, but its nothing groundbreaking either. 3 stars
7/21/03 The Talking Elbow Ashley says "it was suspensful and TOUCHING" WTF?? Are you snorting glue woman. 1 stars
7/21/03 srburns Yep, racial jokes and homophobic humor *are* funny 4 stars
7/21/03 Earl Dittman - Wireless Magazine Here it is Space Monkeys! A Cinematic cure for constipation! 1 stars
7/21/03 Hate isn't strong enough ANYONE who gives this movie an Awesome rating has no soul 1 stars
7/20/03 David Cross I've taken shits that were more enjoyable than this movie. 1 stars
7/20/03 RenHoek It's official: Bay thinks the average moviegoer has the IQ of a lobotomised tapeworm 1 stars
7/20/03 jawsboy24 Mostly crap. Average acting and a convulted script. Great action, but annoying camera work. 3 stars
7/19/03 Shaun worst movie of the year. I have never felt so insulted by a film. 1 stars
7/19/03 BAD bad 1 stars
7/19/03 Jeff I like it. But everybody has their on voice to speak about it. 5 stars
7/18/03 dave Smith & Lawrence prove they're not big-flick stars 1 stars
7/18/03 Arnold Schwarzenegger This piece of shit won't be back. 1 stars
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  18-Jul-2003 (R)
  DVD: 07-Sep-2004



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