by Jason Whyte
Films like "Bad Boys 2" scare me, frighten me...they nearly want me to incur punitive damages on the filmmakers for brutally beating my senses, well, senseless. But let me back up for a second...there's not really quite like a movie like "Bad Boys 2", a stunning parade of awfulness that spares no expense at humiliating a paid audience into 146 minutes of the worst action cinema I think I've ever seen.Yes, campers, we're in Michael Bay's world, a world where nothing slows down and everyone is racist, bigoted and homophobic. A world where you can't have a simple establishing shot of a scene, when instead you can have half-a-dozen different angles of a building. A world where two brash, loud, annoying cops named Marcus and Mike (played by Will Smith and Martin Lawrence) can wreak havoc on everyone and not worry about innocent bystanders. A world where Paul Walker's cop Brian in those "Fast and The Furious" movies would be right at home. (And hey, that film's sequel took place in Miami; how's that for irony?)
"'Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Never-ending Pain.'"
Who the hell thought up this garbage? Marcus and Mike are "back" to stop a massive ecstacy kingpin run by Evil Russian With Bad Hair...in other words, in Scooby Doo terms, Fred (Smith) the good looking mystery solver comes across clues and reports them with stunning precision, while Shaggy (Lawrence) gets scared at the right moments and gets sick when necessary. There's no Velma or Betty here, but Gabrielle Union, in her 45th movie this year, plays some undercover agent (who also happens to be the girlfriend of Mike and the sister of Marcus) who looks absolutely stunning in a bikini...again.
Still, people who plunk down Raising Ticket Prices to see this movie don't want plot or characters to care about, but you know what? Even the film's action sequences are incredibly awful. There's hardly any sense of action here, rather a barrage of flying cars, countless rounds of ammunition and, well, more countless rounds of ammunition, all within massively edited timing so we never really get a good look at anything. Here's a movie where its fans will be discussing if "Car Chase #3" or "Car Chase #5" was better.
Inbetween the scenes of mayhem, we have awkward moments of bonding between the two moronic cops, who pretty much stand around looking good while trying to solve the case. One scene, however, stands out, with Marcus and Mike meeting a young 15 year old boy who is taking out Marcus' daughter. For no reason whatsoever, instead of being kind to the nice looking boy, Bay chooses to have the boy humiliated and emotionally harassed at Marcus' front door, and it's NOT funny. Like the rest of the film, it made me feel uneasy and offended.
And to think I enjoy the talents of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, two talented performers. Smith has made me laugh in the occasional film, and he was the driving force behind his much-succesful "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" series. Words fail me as I watch Smith in this movie, a performer who is known for good comic timing and little-to-no use of coarse language, and is lowered to using the disastarous "N" word that even he looks scared to use. And I'm a big fan of Martin Lawrence, but here he's just boring to watch, quite annoying in a wholly unfunny sequence where he takes a certain pill by accident.I don't know who this film was made for; at a whopping, endless 146 minutes, it is not the length for fans of vicious mayhem with no redeeming qualties. I already had my fill after the first reel, and afterwards I was literally in pain. A headache occured followed by some slight dizziness. And I was sitting in the back row of the theater.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=7988&reviewer=350
originally posted: 08/15/03 17:52:10