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Overall Rating

Awesome: 8.45%
Worth A Look: 8.45%
Average: 11.27%
Pretty Bad: 28.17%
Total Crap43.66%

3 reviews, 53 user ratings

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Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
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by Scott Weinberg

"More like 'Lara Croft: The Magical Cure for Insomnia'"
1 stars

I'm sorry to be such a stickler for these sorts of things, but here's the A-1 most important bottom line for action-adventure movies: DO NOT BORE ME! I mean, how HARD is it to thrill someone's action gland when you have a $100 million budget and some of the world's best craftsmen at your disposal? I dunno. Guess you'll have to ask Jan de Bont, because his newest flick is about a dull as dull can be. Sad that it's meant to be a wild escapist adventure flick, eh?

Yes, I loathed the first Tomb Raider flick, but before you berate me with "Oh you wanted to hate the sequel!," I'll interrupt by telling you that you're misguided and wrong. Wrong, I say, because I love nothing more than a rousing, thrilling "quest" flick. Sequel, remake, doesn't matter. I've always been a sucker for hidden treasures and wacky sidekicks and sneering villains and crazy monsters. Raised on a strict diet of Beastmasters and Krulls and Willows, I grew up knowing one monumental truth: if an adventure movie isn't boring as hell, then I'll probably love it.

And I just hated Tomb Raider 2: Lara Croft: The Quest for a Third Colon to Make This the World's Silliest Movie Title. The flick sets the stupidity meter fairly high fairly early: it was at about the 8-minute mark (when our busty heroine promptly punches a Great White shark across the snout to get its attention) that I began rolling my eyes savagely. Given the strength of my eye muscles (and the unending parade of cinematic stupidity that would follow for the next 110 minutes), I think a few moviegoers complained about my "icky eyeball noises". Blame the filmmakers.

Any cookie-cutter action sequel will invariably follow this formula: action set piece, boring plot stuff, action set piece, boring plot stuff, etc., etc. Toss in a smattering of desperate comic-relief mugging, a few scenes of wet-blanket romance and a collection of CGI images so shoddy that involuntary squawks of disbelief begin flowing out of your trachea - you're looking at one bad movie.

And did I mention how irretrievably BORING this movie is? I suppose it has something to do with how sadly serious the movie takes itself. When a movie displays a poker-face with this much consistency, it can only be an accident when the action sequences incite so much audience-snickering. I could tell my ever-rolling eyeballs were not alone as I listened to the crowd; the audience members were continuously laughing at scenes that are not meant to be funny. And when that many moviegoers can unwittingly see through a movie's paper-thin facade - you're looking at one bad movie. Oh, and it's dull.

Sure, sure; Angelina Jolie is as amazingly gorgeous as she clearly knows she is. I've no problem with staring at the gal for a few hours. If only her facial expression would change ONCE throughout the course of the movie, I wouldn't sit here and tell you that she's as wooden as a well-carved lady statue. Her every moment onscreen consists of: A) the eyebrow-arch, B) the pursing of the almost comically plump lips, C) the none-too-subtle appearance of heaving bosom and backed-up caboose. She's a poster child for female body parts. And her performance is (all together now) horribly boring.

And de Bont's not doing her any favors either. When we're not offered dime-store CGI or cardboard Temple Settings, we're attacked by action sequences that waver between "stutter-step silly" and "slo-mo stupid". Toss in a large dose of Discovery Channel-type cutaways and a screenplay that consists of NOTHING more than various characters repeating exposition about what's about to happen next - and you're looking at one bad movie.

Or maybe I've made my point, and you WON'T be looking at this one particular bad movie. I can hope so anyway. I don't know if I could take the sight of a Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Search for ONE Good Screenplay.

The plot sees Lara searching for items in the hopes that she'll snatch them before a painfully banal villain does. It's all very perfunctory and tediously familiar. Which is what we deserve for making the first one a hit in the first place, I suppose.

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originally posted: 07/25/03 16:05:59
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User Comments

1/08/09 Shaun Wallner Was'nt all that great! 2 stars
8/01/07 MaDmAN This is a great movie to watch if you can't sleep... CRAP 1 stars
6/15/07 Teyla Will a great Tomb Raider movie ever be made. Use your damn heads you stinkpot directors 2 stars
3/18/07 Donny M Liked it. Hoping for a 3rd 3 stars
3/09/06 Dk A shoddy and predictable sequel 1 stars
11/27/05 tatum Good but routine sequel, say goodbye to the franchise 4 stars
9/29/05 Jonathon Holmes Angelina Jolie alone can't save this crap 1 stars
8/18/05 ES A horrible first movie, derived from a horrible game = a horrible sequel, surprise! 1 stars
7/14/05 .... absolutely awesome man u know it if u like turd ur lov it 1 stars
5/27/05 tony this movie is worse than the first one! why not just slash it from the filmmaking studio! 1 stars
2/18/05 Naka AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! Oh man...whooooooo.... 1 stars
6/04/04 Bill At least the first one had humor 2 stars
5/24/04 Butterbean I was fooled twice. This was worse. They just cant make a good Tomb Raider movie. 1 stars
5/01/04 toni this movie is the hottest movie out 5 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 im so P.O 'd with what they did with a possible great franchise, poor jolie i feel for her 2 stars
3/11/04 HorrorScribbler Lara punches out a shark! Reiss has "accelerated ebola"! Lara channels Indy! Movie sucks! 1 stars
2/24/04 Eric Pretty damn good movie 5 stars
12/06/03 john should run with THE HULK on a "worst movies ever" double bill 1 stars
11/26/03 jj It's fun & entertaining BUT PLEEEEASE leave brain at door! 3 stars
11/25/03 Thiago Better than the first. Angelina and Gerard made a great team. Good action. 4 stars
11/25/03 adam barnes. brillant 5 stars
11/12/03 Shame on "MenAreDumbSticks" I'll like bodies all I want to, which doesn't mean it's all I care about. Take Logic 101! 3 stars
11/12/03 Tiffany Thunderhurst Starts off like CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON, ends like INDIANA JONES. 3 stars
10/17/03 Josh Standlee It's an okay movie, but I just have to say that Angelina Jolie is NOT attractive! 3 stars
10/17/03 Jesus fucking Christ (Suck holy balls) Did a goddamn nigger make this lump of shit?! May you all get AIDS..losers 1 stars
10/10/03 Kooler Is there such a thing as a charisma implant? 1 stars
10/01/03 MenAreDumbSticks all you care about is the body.same on you ppl!! 3 stars
9/21/03 Lara_Croft Angelina is a very sexy woman 5 stars
8/31/03 nita I liked it damnit! 4 stars
8/28/03 anna Better than the original; there's worse out there this summer (2003) 4 stars
8/28/03 jenny from the block Stop talkin about my jigglin booty! 1 stars
8/24/03 Sorcerer It's not much but it ranks high... By far it's the perfect summer movie! 5 stars
8/23/03 try wtr 1 stars
8/18/03 h crap 1 stars
8/17/03 Lord Chu I lost count of the times Lara was helpless w/ a gun pointed to her head at around 7 or 8. 1 stars
8/14/03 jolie's tits mmm... i like to suckle 1 stars
8/13/03 Nancy295 Lots of action and Angelina actually changed expressions! 4 stars
8/06/03 JJ from da Block Tween her tits and JLo's ass, they could make a good one I bet 1 stars
8/04/03 Elizaveta huh? I thought these things came with plots nowadays... 1 stars
8/03/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz even worse than the first one. 1 stars
8/02/03 Matt Helm Soulless, depressing, and less action than expected 2 stars
8/01/03 Curtiss Stupid & senseless storyline. Ridiculous & even more boring than Matrix Reloaded 1 stars
8/01/03 Todd Hell, a poke in the eye would be better than the first one, this movie is pure shit. 1 stars
7/31/03 Kaylee I thought it was alright 3 stars
7/29/03 Uncle Salty What did you expect, retard? 1 stars
7/29/03 julie this movie was just ok, but it was worth the price of admission just to watch gerard butler 3 stars
7/29/03 Solid Snake Do we need to bring our brain to the cinema next time? 1 stars
7/29/03 The Talking Elbow This movie wasn't so bad at all... Come on guys lighten up 4 stars
7/29/03 Patrick Lake Jan de Bont ruined this film!!!! 2 stars
7/27/03 Collin I Saw the First One And Hated It, I Hated This One Too, So The Tradition Continues 1 stars
7/27/03 Jeannine I was so disappointed when I walked out of that movie theatre. : ( 2 stars
7/24/03 randall jackson saw a preview showing July 24 2 stars
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  25-Jul-2003 (PG-13)



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