More in-depth film festival coverage than any other website!
Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About 

Overall Rating

Awesome: 8.45%
Worth A Look: 8.45%
Average: 11.27%
Pretty Bad: 28.17%
Total Crap43.66%

3 reviews, 53 user ratings

Latest Reviews

Mortal Engines by Jay Seaver

Vox Lux by Peter Sobczynski

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse by Peter Sobczynski

Vox Lux by alejandroariera

Parallel (2018) by Jay Seaver

Witch: Part 1 - The Subversion, The by Jay Seaver

Lôi Báo by Jay Seaver

Bohemian Rhapsody by Rob Gonsalves

Fireworks (2017) by Jay Seaver

Knuckleball (2018) by Jay Seaver

subscribe to this feed

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
[] Buy posters from this movie
by Scott Weinberg

"More like 'Lara Croft: The Magical Cure for Insomnia'"
1 stars

I'm sorry to be such a stickler for these sorts of things, but here's the A-1 most important bottom line for action-adventure movies: DO NOT BORE ME! I mean, how HARD is it to thrill someone's action gland when you have a $100 million budget and some of the world's best craftsmen at your disposal? I dunno. Guess you'll have to ask Jan de Bont, because his newest flick is about a dull as dull can be. Sad that it's meant to be a wild escapist adventure flick, eh?

Yes, I loathed the first Tomb Raider flick, but before you berate me with "Oh you wanted to hate the sequel!," I'll interrupt by telling you that you're misguided and wrong. Wrong, I say, because I love nothing more than a rousing, thrilling "quest" flick. Sequel, remake, doesn't matter. I've always been a sucker for hidden treasures and wacky sidekicks and sneering villains and crazy monsters. Raised on a strict diet of Beastmasters and Krulls and Willows, I grew up knowing one monumental truth: if an adventure movie isn't boring as hell, then I'll probably love it.

And I just hated Tomb Raider 2: Lara Croft: The Quest for a Third Colon to Make This the World's Silliest Movie Title. The flick sets the stupidity meter fairly high fairly early: it was at about the 8-minute mark (when our busty heroine promptly punches a Great White shark across the snout to get its attention) that I began rolling my eyes savagely. Given the strength of my eye muscles (and the unending parade of cinematic stupidity that would follow for the next 110 minutes), I think a few moviegoers complained about my "icky eyeball noises". Blame the filmmakers.

Any cookie-cutter action sequel will invariably follow this formula: action set piece, boring plot stuff, action set piece, boring plot stuff, etc., etc. Toss in a smattering of desperate comic-relief mugging, a few scenes of wet-blanket romance and a collection of CGI images so shoddy that involuntary squawks of disbelief begin flowing out of your trachea - you're looking at one bad movie.

And did I mention how irretrievably BORING this movie is? I suppose it has something to do with how sadly serious the movie takes itself. When a movie displays a poker-face with this much consistency, it can only be an accident when the action sequences incite so much audience-snickering. I could tell my ever-rolling eyeballs were not alone as I listened to the crowd; the audience members were continuously laughing at scenes that are not meant to be funny. And when that many moviegoers can unwittingly see through a movie's paper-thin facade - you're looking at one bad movie. Oh, and it's dull.

Sure, sure; Angelina Jolie is as amazingly gorgeous as she clearly knows she is. I've no problem with staring at the gal for a few hours. If only her facial expression would change ONCE throughout the course of the movie, I wouldn't sit here and tell you that she's as wooden as a well-carved lady statue. Her every moment onscreen consists of: A) the eyebrow-arch, B) the pursing of the almost comically plump lips, C) the none-too-subtle appearance of heaving bosom and backed-up caboose. She's a poster child for female body parts. And her performance is (all together now) horribly boring.

And de Bont's not doing her any favors either. When we're not offered dime-store CGI or cardboard Temple Settings, we're attacked by action sequences that waver between "stutter-step silly" and "slo-mo stupid". Toss in a large dose of Discovery Channel-type cutaways and a screenplay that consists of NOTHING more than various characters repeating exposition about what's about to happen next - and you're looking at one bad movie.

Or maybe I've made my point, and you WON'T be looking at this one particular bad movie. I can hope so anyway. I don't know if I could take the sight of a Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Search for ONE Good Screenplay.

The plot sees Lara searching for items in the hopes that she'll snatch them before a painfully banal villain does. It's all very perfunctory and tediously familiar. Which is what we deserve for making the first one a hit in the first place, I suppose.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 07/25/03 16:05:59
[printer] printer-friendly format  

User Comments

1/08/09 Shaun Wallner Was'nt all that great! 2 stars
8/01/07 MaDmAN This is a great movie to watch if you can't sleep... CRAP 1 stars
6/15/07 Teyla Will a great Tomb Raider movie ever be made. Use your damn heads you stinkpot directors 2 stars
3/18/07 Donny M Liked it. Hoping for a 3rd 3 stars
3/09/06 Dk A shoddy and predictable sequel 1 stars
11/27/05 tatum Good but routine sequel, say goodbye to the franchise 4 stars
9/29/05 Jonathon Holmes Angelina Jolie alone can't save this crap 1 stars
8/18/05 ES A horrible first movie, derived from a horrible game = a horrible sequel, surprise! 1 stars
7/14/05 .... absolutely awesome man u know it if u like turd ur lov it 1 stars
5/27/05 tony this movie is worse than the first one! why not just slash it from the filmmaking studio! 1 stars
2/18/05 Naka AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! Oh man...whooooooo.... 1 stars
6/04/04 Bill At least the first one had humor 2 stars
5/24/04 Butterbean I was fooled twice. This was worse. They just cant make a good Tomb Raider movie. 1 stars
5/01/04 toni this movie is the hottest movie out 5 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 im so P.O 'd with what they did with a possible great franchise, poor jolie i feel for her 2 stars
3/11/04 HorrorScribbler Lara punches out a shark! Reiss has "accelerated ebola"! Lara channels Indy! Movie sucks! 1 stars
2/24/04 Eric Pretty damn good movie 5 stars
12/06/03 john should run with THE HULK on a "worst movies ever" double bill 1 stars
11/26/03 jj It's fun & entertaining BUT PLEEEEASE leave brain at door! 3 stars
11/25/03 Thiago Better than the first. Angelina and Gerard made a great team. Good action. 4 stars
11/25/03 adam barnes. brillant 5 stars
11/12/03 Shame on "MenAreDumbSticks" I'll like bodies all I want to, which doesn't mean it's all I care about. Take Logic 101! 3 stars
11/12/03 Tiffany Thunderhurst Starts off like CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON, ends like INDIANA JONES. 3 stars
10/17/03 Josh Standlee It's an okay movie, but I just have to say that Angelina Jolie is NOT attractive! 3 stars
10/17/03 Jesus fucking Christ (Suck holy balls) Did a goddamn nigger make this lump of shit?! May you all get AIDS..losers 1 stars
10/10/03 Kooler Is there such a thing as a charisma implant? 1 stars
10/01/03 MenAreDumbSticks all you care about is the body.same on you ppl!! 3 stars
9/21/03 Lara_Croft Angelina is a very sexy woman 5 stars
8/31/03 nita I liked it damnit! 4 stars
8/28/03 anna Better than the original; there's worse out there this summer (2003) 4 stars
8/28/03 jenny from the block Stop talkin about my jigglin booty! 1 stars
8/24/03 Sorcerer It's not much but it ranks high... By far it's the perfect summer movie! 5 stars
8/23/03 try wtr 1 stars
8/18/03 h crap 1 stars
8/17/03 Lord Chu I lost count of the times Lara was helpless w/ a gun pointed to her head at around 7 or 8. 1 stars
8/14/03 jolie's tits mmm... i like to suckle 1 stars
8/13/03 Nancy295 Lots of action and Angelina actually changed expressions! 4 stars
8/06/03 JJ from da Block Tween her tits and JLo's ass, they could make a good one I bet 1 stars
8/04/03 Elizaveta huh? I thought these things came with plots nowadays... 1 stars
8/03/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz even worse than the first one. 1 stars
8/02/03 Matt Helm Soulless, depressing, and less action than expected 2 stars
8/01/03 Curtiss Stupid & senseless storyline. Ridiculous & even more boring than Matrix Reloaded 1 stars
8/01/03 Todd Hell, a poke in the eye would be better than the first one, this movie is pure shit. 1 stars
7/31/03 Kaylee I thought it was alright 3 stars
7/29/03 Uncle Salty What did you expect, retard? 1 stars
7/29/03 julie this movie was just ok, but it was worth the price of admission just to watch gerard butler 3 stars
7/29/03 Solid Snake Do we need to bring our brain to the cinema next time? 1 stars
7/29/03 The Talking Elbow This movie wasn't so bad at all... Come on guys lighten up 4 stars
7/29/03 Patrick Lake Jan de Bont ruined this film!!!! 2 stars
7/27/03 Collin I Saw the First One And Hated It, I Hated This One Too, So The Tradition Continues 1 stars
7/27/03 Jeannine I was so disappointed when I walked out of that movie theatre. : ( 2 stars
7/24/03 randall jackson saw a preview showing July 24 2 stars
Note: Duplicate, 'planted,' or other obviously improper comments
will be deleted at our discretion. So don't bother posting 'em. Thanks!
Your Name:
Your Comments:
Your Location: (state/province/country)
Your Rating:

Discuss this movie in our forum

  25-Jul-2003 (PG-13)



Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About Australia's Largest Movie Review Database.
Privacy Policy | HBS Inc. | |   

All data and site design copyright 1997-2017, HBS Entertainment, Inc.
Search for
reviews features movie title writer/director/cast