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Overall Rating

Awesome: 2.65%
Worth A Look: 5.31%
Average: 4.87%
Pretty Bad: 6.19%
Total Crap80.97%

6 reviews, 190 user ratings

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by Scott Weinberg

"All Come and Worship at the Feet of Our God Vanity!"
1 stars

People often comment on how the obsession with (and power of) money (huge, overflowing truckfuls of money) can turn a potentially intriguing movie into a shitpile appropriate only for the lowest common denominator of devoted movie freaks. I see dozens of examples of lazy, shoddy filmmaking every year. But there's a force out there more devious and disgusting than the search for money, and it has had its hand in more historically wretched films than greed ever has. This force is Vanity, and if there's anything in the universe more nauseating than two mega-wealthy wankers who create a motion picture solely to show the world how wonderful they are, I have yet to come across it. For this weekend, though, we're offered "Gigli".

How many different ways could a movie go wrong? Thousands, probably, although few films in existence come as close to cornering the market on awfulness as Gigli does. This is a film that exists for no other reason save the astonishing egos and rampant self-admiration that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck clearly share. This is a real-life couple so sure that we love them as much as they clearly do that they've created an entire 2-hour valentine to one another.

I find it hysterical that celebrities-in-love will try to sue those who snap photos at their mega-swank weddings, yet will then turn around and offer the planet a 124-minute reel of themselves begging for attention. "Look how I am with my shirt off!" says Ben. "Watch me try to enunciate words like "va-gi-na" while I spread my thighs for the camera!" coos J. Lo. It's like going to a party where you're required to look at (and talk about) the two hosts - and if you dare look away or change the subject - you're tossed out on your ass.

How a generally reliable director like Martin Brest got sucked down into this vortex of public masturbation is anyone's guess, and I pity poor Kevin Smith (who has the duo in his upcoming Jersey Girl and right about now must be pulling huge tufts of hair out of his scalp) for falling into the Hollywood Royalty trap - but here's the straight scoop: Gigli is so uncommonly bad that it may supplant Ishtar as everyone's favorite cinematic whipping boy.

I was about an hour into Gigli before I started wondering what it was about. Needless to say, that's not exactly a good sign. It seems to be about two mafia contractors who are hired to babysit the retarded brother of an unseen federal prosecutor. OK, fine. That could be a viable Act I conceit...but that's pretty much all Gigli has to offer in the plot department. This flick deserves an award for delivering the world's first two-hour one-act movie.

Set aside the astonishingly flimsy plot, and what we're left with is an unending series of sexual conversations between real-life lovers Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Imagine you've planted a microphone inside their limo and you're now privy to private celebrity conversations about genital warts and blocked colons, and you'd be halfway to understanding how aggravatingly smug, distasteful and obnoxious Gigli is. Then keep in mind that you paid eight bucks for the honor.

The flick stops dead for any number of awful reasons:

1. Every 40 minutes, Brest jams in a jarring cameo from one of his Hollywood buddies. Some see these fleeting moments as welcome respites from the ceaseless keening of the two leads, but it's much, much worse than that. Christopher Walken pops up in a scene that reminds us how damn entertaining the guy can be...without him actually doing much of anything entertaining. (It's a good performance only by default.) Lainie Kazan gets to do that "in her sleep" schtick of overbearing Italian Mama. And Al Pacino bellows and spittle-storms his way through a performance so clueless and irritating that you actually start to feel bad for the poor guy. (That Pacino's character is CLEARLY not on the same set as Jen & Ben - and that his parade through the room is done through the magic of CGI - gives one a clear indication of how shoddily constructed this movie really is.)

2. Jen wants to ar-tick-yoo-late. She's arguably the worst actress on the planet. Were it not for a winning smile and the world's plumpest rump, she'd be sharing a trailer with Tara Reid on the set of some amazing new direct-to-video tittie comedy. How this gal, among SO MANY great actresses, has earned this type of Hollywood power is simply too distressing a question to contemplate. Never before has one person accomplished so much using only her ass. And as far as Gigli goes, she's monumentally bad. In an effort to feign intelligence, Lopez talks slowly and melodically, as if every in the audience is a dribbling moron - and her character is nearly always seen reading a book. Yep, a book. I'll bypass her frequent dabblings in 'raunch talk' and one painful scene in which she tries to reference something in Chinese, but here's the deal: you won't see a more hatefully smug performance this year.

3. A silly retard! Nothing serves a film better than employing a potentially endearing character who can change his personality at the screenwriter's every whim. At one moment the couple's charge is shrieking and smacking himself scarily; later on he's nearly lucid. Most often he's just there for flimsy comic relief. Because nothing in the world is funnier than rap music delivered with a Down's Syndrome inflection.

I hate to join the unending parade of critical debasement this movie's earned. Knowing full well that it's the latest Mega-Monstrosity could allow me to approach the flick with a charitable attitude. Surely "I" could find something worthwhile in this movie, right? Er, no. Gigli is precisely as awful as everyone's been saying, and it's a sad state of affairs when a 2+ hour parade of blatant self-adoration can pass for an actual movie.

I've seen worse movies this year, but none in which the intended audience is treated in such a casually dismissive fashion. "Gigli" looks like a project that was intended for appreciation by precisely two people in the entire universe: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. For their sake, I hope they buy a lot of tickets.

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originally posted: 08/02/03 07:37:03
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User Comments

9/10/15 Michael Bagamery I want few things more than to make this “movie” not exist. Why no zero-star rating???? 1 stars
4/25/15 David Hollingsworth Makes Showgirls looks like On The Waterfront 1 stars
11/18/11 Ursula Turpin Al Pacino way worse than in JACK&JILL; otherwise this is better than cracked down to be. 3 stars
1/07/10 julie this movie is like a giant turd 1 stars
10/17/09 Liberty Man Nothing great but fun to watch. Sure beats the hell out of Eyes Wide Shut!!! 3 stars
5/27/09 19thpersonality with a start like this, no wonder justin bartha is where he is 1 stars
4/10/08 Duke of Omnium Too bad even to be "so bad that it's good". Something to offend (or worse, bore) everybody. 1 stars
9/14/07 JM Synth Massively ill conceived on every level; has a certain morbid curiosity value 2 stars
8/26/07 Kevin Bad rap not as bad as they say 4 stars
1/22/07 Alex DeLarge This movie was about as enjoyable as sticking ones genitals in a bee hive 1 stars
10/14/06 Barry J-L0 is still hot as hell - tell me u all would not do her!! 5 stars
9/22/06 Charles Tatum Horrible, I couldn't make it past twenty minutes 1 stars
8/14/06 Sharon its was okay untill ben came on screen!!! 1 stars
8/10/06 Ryan_A Not the WORST thing ever, but far from good. Bartha makes me wanna punch him. Lots. 1 stars
6/16/06 Annie IT sux sux boring and not really a point to me! 2 stars
5/20/06 Synchoa A horrid nasty movie that deserves a hiding 1 stars
4/25/06 lily donville this movie is offensive,perverted and it was horrible 1 stars
1/04/06 Anthony Feor Jenninfer's acting career just went down the drain 1 stars
12/17/05 Sean D Manos may be worst. Gigli is most hateful. Avoid like the plague 1 stars
12/07/05 T. Maj Mr. Affleck, please consider a career change. Burger King's hiring. 1 stars
10/19/05 Douglas Reese One of 2003's best films! Put a smile to my face and Bartha is extraordinarily terrific!!! 5 stars
9/19/05 Jonathon Holmes at least Micheal Bay didn't direct this rancid dogshit of a film 1 stars
8/18/05 ES it's pronounced 'Jiggly' and it was meh <shrugs shoulders> 3 stars
7/28/05 Daveman Not as unwatchable as the critics would have you belief but still idiotic and pointless. 1 stars
7/20/05 Chris Horrible, and the ending is the worst part of it! It had to last 20 minutes!? 1 stars
7/14/05 Brandy Harrington Another terrible Ben Assfleck movie. 1 stars
5/30/05 Nedim Do NOT waste your time 1 stars
5/25/05 Jake Complete shit, pure and simple. 1 stars
5/25/05 The shizz wow 1 stars
5/21/05 HL sucks 1 stars
5/13/05 Jennifer Regan Bad, bad, bad - don't bother! 1 stars
5/06/05 Colleen Goldrick Not a great one but cute 3 stars
5/05/05 Cindy Lovell Absolute Crap...I will never get that time back 1 stars
3/14/05 Jeff Anderson Disposable, but 2 things redeem it. Lopez's sexy performance & her amazingly good dialogue! 2 stars
3/12/05 craig varney not as bad as most say 3 stars
2/18/05 Margot Copeland I can't believe I watched the whole thing! 1 stars
2/05/05 Susan Chamberlain I didn't even finish watching it!!!!!!!!!!!!1 1 stars
1/31/05 New Jersey Rules what a fuckin' pile of flaming dog shit. Smelly cunt-ass FUCK. 1 stars
12/27/04 mjoc This may be the worst thing I have ever tried to watch. What a waste of time and money 1 stars
12/26/04 Louie Brilliant. Great story and acting. The heck with the critics. 4 stars
12/23/04 Jason Kaul J-Lo describing why she is lesbian, was hotter than Carrie Fisher in the brass bra! WOW! 4 stars
12/12/04 Lucas Stensland The score alone ruins this film 1 stars
12/05/04 Kristina Williams ha! 1 stars
11/27/04 gerbilerba I blow farts more interesting than this gagathon 1 stars
11/18/04 Chris Belldo even if i was a dimwitted giggly teenage girl, i'd still want to take a crap on this movie 1 stars
10/20/04 SJK Ben Affleck must be trying to tank his career. 1 stars
10/15/04 Pete What were they thinking.... 1 stars
9/26/04 Tor Honolulu A year after THEY broke up, this is surprisingly enjoybable and not to be missed...really 4 stars
9/08/04 Bob It was OK. There have been a lot worse films released in the past. 3 stars
8/30/04 Tam Sad dialogue & slow pace. Why can't they portray any loyal lesbians these days? 1 stars
8/06/04 ELI Well, it was better than "Cat in the Hat." 2 stars
8/03/04 The Talking Elbow Pacino and Walken were great, and I was hoping a char from LOTR would show up, like Sauron. 2 stars
7/17/04 Gray even the actors slamed it!!!!! 1 stars
7/15/04 S.F I'll head your advice and never watch this film - EVER! 1 stars
7/09/04 Diesel Will JLo ever get the hint? 1 stars
7/06/04 Spiderfan720 There is a rumor that The President is gonna put this on a nuke if we ever use one again. 1 stars
6/18/04 Ryan any who thinks this is good is demented 1 stars
6/17/04 Spiderfan50 BE DRAINED OF LIFE!!! 1 stars
6/07/04 Reid Cornelius absolutely the best film of the year 5 stars
6/06/04 The More You Know Sucks like lainie kazan's fat azz making that thong string disappear. Get the picture? Uggh 1 stars
5/06/04 Ajax It sucks, but as a lot of people point out, it doesn't suck that bad. 3 stars
4/27/04 4x4 Horrendous? Made Tommy Boy look like Oscar material. Avoid at all costs. 1 stars
4/26/04 Monster W. Kung Not good, but not nearly as bad as some garbage that came out in the last few years. 2 stars
4/17/04 Michael Greenwaldt It's nowhere near as bad as it's made out to be, and not even close to worst of the year! 3 stars
4/05/04 Me Nice azz. Movie blows. Sick of hearing about he love life. 1 stars
3/29/04 Blues Singer Babe it sucked big time it was a bomb at the movie box office Jennifer is a hoar dont see it ! 1 stars
3/23/04 Spastiqua Not very good, but certainly not the years worst! hello! dumb & dumber 2? marci x? 3 stars
3/21/04 Kayla I think its an alright movie..Not one of the best but recommend that anyone sees it. 4 stars
3/19/04 da hood a rich, thought provoking film, with a suspenseful, brilliant twist.whoops, wrong movie! 1 stars
3/19/04 Chris Taco flavored kisses for my Beeennnn!! 1 stars
3/08/04 movieguy sucks 1 stars
2/29/04 Kelly Rogers utterly horrid excuse of a film 1 stars
2/27/04 greg this movie is the biggest piece of sh** i have ever seen 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge "gag-me" 1 stars
2/20/04 AJ Certainly Crap 1 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr Killed a piece of my soul 1 stars
2/02/04 yeahboy true definition of YUCK!!!!!!! 1 stars
1/28/04 Dandy Candy This was the worst movie I've ever seen. GALLIPOLLI'S much more interesting 1 stars
1/24/04 CC %^&% 1 stars
1/24/04 Tygra A lobotomy would have been more entertaining 1 stars
1/24/04 M Jlo sux, movie shits 1 stars
1/16/04 jingo p. i'd rather wipe my ass with barbed wire. 1 stars
1/13/04 MelissaNYC Why hath Hollywood smote us so? 1 stars
1/08/04 JJ Jesus died in vain... 1 stars
1/06/04 beautie full of undiluted crap,that bitch cant act to save her plump ass!!! 1 stars
1/03/04 J has sunk to a new Lo like watching an un-funny SNL: A series of unlreated skits meant to promote star product 1 stars
1/02/04 burikak Matt McLoota, did someone hit u in the head????? 1 stars
1/02/04 Matt McLoota This movie is fantastic, Oscar worthy performances all around. One of the ten best movies. 5 stars
12/29/03 Agent Sands Well, I'VE seen it. And it's a gangster flick a la Get Shorty, assholes! Seriously! 3 stars
12/22/03 M jlo smells, ben stinks! 1 stars
12/08/03 lilcutie so stupid 1 stars
12/02/03 WTF? Rightfully deserves the title of worst movie ever. The critics weren't lying! 1 stars
11/30/03 john oh what fun! 1 stars
11/27/03 he crap 1 stars
11/23/03 ozzy sucks hardcore donkey dick 1 stars
11/12/03 Red crap 1 stars
10/30/03 Priscilla Postlethwaite Better than most reviews indicate; What's this DAY MY BUTT WENT PSYCHO in above picture???? 3 stars
10/24/03 illini bri pathetic! 1 stars
10/22/03 Gigli This film is so bad that it had to be intentional. 1 stars
10/22/03 nr i hated this movie 1 stars
10/16/03 Carmelita Florine oh, oh, I just lurved this movie! 5 stars
10/14/03 snowconehead this is a sure quick way to induce vomitting 1 stars
10/10/03 KooKuKrazeeKitti i feel REALLY bad 4 al pacino and chris walken. they deserve bettr treatment than this shit 1 stars
10/03/03 pudsey it is so shite its unbelievable. ben and JLO r 2 pathetic, overated actors 1 stars
9/22/03 Redpajammas bad bad bad 1 stars
9/21/03 CAT BLUES total crap it fuckin sucked j lo is such a slut 1 stars
9/19/03 Mark86 Lol, ben and j-lo suck ass! 1 stars
9/13/03 Joe This sucked 1 stars
9/06/03 Gigli the one wh made this movie has down's syndorme 1 stars
9/03/03 Serge Rodnunsky I couldn't make a movie this bad if I tried. 1 stars
9/03/03 Dawn Would have been less offensive if cast members just had one giant circle jerk. 1 stars
9/03/03 Vinnie people who liked this movie should have their eyeballs gauged out! 1 stars
9/02/03 robbie keane bad 1 stars
8/31/03 Cat B. it sucked 1 stars
8/31/03 Redpajammas thid gilm sucked 1 stars
8/24/03 steven spielberg worst film? have you seen Star Wars? What was Lucas thinking? 1 stars
8/23/03 MiMi Stinkie 1 stars
8/21/03 Mike H. I *have* to give it at least one star?! No fair! 1 stars
8/20/03 Crocface If only it wasn't such bloody nonsense 1 stars
8/20/03 nr crap 1 stars
8/20/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz Not anywhere as bad as the media hype say it is. 4 stars
8/18/03 adam it's turkey time! gobble gobble! ROFLMAO!! 1 stars
8/18/03 h crap 1 stars
8/16/03 punjab complete and total fucking piss 1 stars
8/16/03 MEEE crap 1 stars
8/16/03 Collin Time Ofr The Carears Of Mr. Aflec And Bimbo Extrodinaire J-Lo To Crash And Burn, 1 stars
8/15/03 john atty The end of Ben and Jen 1 stars
8/15/03 JJ from da block JLo's ass is jigli, that's bout all that's gigli bout this crud 1 stars
8/12/03 Joey A pile of dog shit 1 stars
8/12/03 meathole The dump I took this morning had far more symbolism and intrigue 1 stars
8/12/03 snowconehead The best things about empty theaters are the blowjobs. Remember that, kids. 1 stars
8/11/03 hjhj horrible 1 stars
8/09/03 pedro andino shitty movie for 2003 1 stars
8/09/03 not impressed. will j lo be able to restart her career after this 1? 1 stars
8/09/03 Patrick Bateman Absolute shash 1 stars
8/08/03 BAD horrible 1 stars
8/08/03 The main man Holy Crap somebody open the window . That was just foul 1 stars
8/07/03 asina I hope Ben and J. Lo die....Now, what's this about a movie??? 1 stars
8/07/03 Chrys lordis perdifida, we could wish you unborn. but we can only wish. 1 stars
8/07/03 Kasandra M This is the worst film with TWO big asses in it, both being Jennifer Lopez 1 stars
8/07/03 jholler Fame = money = scam the fans 1 stars
8/07/03 Sarah H. I was once a fan of both Ben & J-Lo... Now I'm Not! 1 stars
8/07/03 John Davis A collosal POS 1 stars
8/07/03 Jet Stinks! 1 stars
8/07/03 JJ from da block JLo's jigglin ass was the only thing worth lookin at 1 stars
8/07/03 lordis perdifida i laughed a little, and cried a little. what more can you wish for? 5 stars
8/06/03 Michael M. Worst film ever! 1 stars
8/06/03 Lorenz Esguerra The worst movie of 2003! Ben and Jen shouldn't star together in a movie again. 1 stars
8/06/03 Collin Compared To This Jason X Looks Like A Contender For Best Picture AtThe Oscars 1 stars
8/05/03 Uncle Salty J.Lo is a fucking pig no matter what Entertainment tonight says. 1 stars
8/05/03 Rocky I'd rather watch BenniferJ. Afflo clawing it's way out of a burning car 1 stars
8/05/03 Michael Wilson Can't wait for it to come out on dvd so that I won't buy it there either. 1 stars
8/05/03 Boat Fuck a manatee with a long sharp pole. It's just like watching this movie. 1 stars
8/05/03 Peter Good God 1 stars
8/05/03 JJ from da block J.Lo's jigglin ass is the only good thing 2 stars
8/05/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz Bad, but not as bad as people make it seem. Lara Croft was worse. 2 stars
8/05/03 Jim Holy Horrific Movie Batman! 1 stars
8/04/03 m I snuck into this movie and I still feel ripped off. 1 stars
8/04/03 Kia Ora I've seen better film on teeth. 1 stars
8/04/03 pokesmot I saw this movie stoned and it still sucked 1 stars
8/03/03 Chrys Ben asslick should be fucking terminated 1 stars
8/03/03 Raquchie Macacho It was a loss of my precious time and my money. It was SHITTY that Jennifer played a Lesbo. 1 stars
8/03/03 your worst goddamn nightmare c'mon guys, it wasn't that bad, I onlu ralphed twice... 1 stars
8/03/03 gibbons 5 minutes of material stretched out into two hours never works. 1 stars
8/03/03 Darrin Silverman G should be its grade. An "F" is too high 1 stars
8/03/03 Ash The commercials were so painful I will never go to a theater again!! 1 stars
8/03/03 Stephen P. Robertson This was worse than losing $10.00 in a washing machine at a laundramat! 1 stars
8/03/03 Atanu why did eric snider had to upgrade it to crappy?? 1 stars
8/03/03 Matt I hate Bennifer! 1 stars
8/03/03 Asshat A cinematic masterpiece, the likes of which we haven't seen since "Swept Away". 1 stars
8/02/03 Double G krap 1 stars
8/02/03 Xaivier SInclaire H-ly Sh-t I want my money back and someone please shoot me, this movie SUCKS 1 stars
8/02/03 BAD aweful 1 stars
8/02/03 Jennifer Botello HORRIBLE! I left the movie confused, annoyed, and aggrevated. I hated it. Dont watch it!!!! 1 stars
8/02/03 Brian It burns! My eyes!!! Ahhhhhh!!! 1 stars
8/02/03 Earl Dittman - Wireless Magazine It's Ben Asslick and Jenny from the Cock...what did you expect, Space Monkeys? Art?? 1 stars
8/02/03 gman this cocksmoking movie lasts about as long as J.Lo's and Affleck's impending marriage... 1 stars
8/02/03 Brian yet another horrble lopez film. it'll make undeserved millions of dollars... 1 stars
8/02/03 Lori Donnelly 2 hours of my life I'll never get back! 1 stars
8/01/03 Gerry Fleck Jlo and Ben Asshack suck my balls....and so did this piece of shit flick 1 stars
8/01/03 Todd J-lo is a not talent, tone deaf, jug butt. Ben is a pussy. The movie? Worse than Hitler. 1 stars
7/30/03 Uncle Salty TemJ-Fleck Blame their fame, I blame the INSURMOUNTABLE AWFULNESS OF THIS STEAMER! 1 stars
7/30/03 Vanessa The most shadowy movies this summer that tries to be something it's not -- a good movie 1 stars
7/29/03 Jason Absolutely terrible 1 stars
7/28/03 dave jlo is hot. this movie is not. 1 stars
7/25/03 Mike Radlif Won tickets for preview. Walked out after about an hour. Not the worst movie, but close. 1 stars
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  01-Aug-2003 (R)



Directed by
  Martin Brest

Written by
  Martin Brest

  Ben Affleck
  Jennifer Lopez
  Al Pacino
  Christopher Walken
  Justin Bartha
  Lenny Venito

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