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Overall Rating
1.42

Awesome: 2.65%
Worth A Look: 5.31%
Average: 4.87%
Pretty Bad: 6.19%
Total Crap80.97%

6 reviews, 190 user ratings


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Gigli
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by Collin Souter

"Imagine a movie made up entirely of Deleted Scenes"
1 stars

By now, “Gigli” has almost achieved the status of legend in the realm of bad cinema. As I write this, the movie enters its first weekend of release. The critics have been slaughtering it for weeks already and every day at www.imdb.com there has been a news item relating to “Gigli” and its pending doom. As the reviews get worse and worse, no doubt the curiosity factor goes up and up. Mine sure as hell did. Of all the movies I didn’t want to see this year, “Gigli” was the one I wanted to see the most. I have a sick fascination with movies that carry a buzz this negative.

Most of these advance reviews came from critics who sat in a room with other critics. I wanted to see the carnage for myself with the average movie-going public. I wanted to listen for the pin drop when J-Lo says her now-legendary sexual advance toward Affleck. I wanted to hear the audience gasp in horror along with me when…well…anything happened. Word was all over the papers and other media outlets on Friday, August 1, 2003, that “Gigli” would be the year’s biggest turd. I wanted to view this with the kinds of people who would actually go see “Gigli” opening night, completely unsuspecting, the kind of people who never watch or read the news.

Shockingly, the theater filled to about 1/3 capacity, way, way more than I would have expected. Apparently, word doesn’t travel fast enough for these people. As the movie got going, people forced the laughter out of themselves. “Ha-ha-ha-ha…look at the little retarded guy…ha-ha-ha-ha-, you tell ‘em, Jay-Lo!…ha-ha-ha-ha-she said penis!” Nobody seemed interested in the actual story, just the so-called chemistry between Affleck and Jay-Lo. I grew fascinated by the audience’s advances toward the film. They poked it and prodded it to be funny, just so they could save themselves the humiliation of admitting they had each lost $9.50 of their hard-earned money.

But my fascination only lasted about ten minutes. Then I just grew sickened. And bored. Bored, bored, bored. Martin Brest has made boring movies before (“Meet Joe Black”) and he has also made one of my favorite buddy movies of all time (“Midnight Run”), so I never, ever would have expected a screenplay of this magnitude or a directorial effort so mis-calculated. The movie plays as though it were comprised of deleted scenes you find on a DVD. Some scenes come and go and explain nothing, while others wear out their welcome after the first knowing glance.

The story goes all over the place. Larry Gigli (Affleck) is a chump for the mob who is forced to pick up a mentally disabled young man named Brian (Justin Bartha) and keep him around until further notice (Why? Don’t ask). Eventually, Ricki (Jay-Lo) steps into Gigli’s apartment to observe his progress. She too has been asked to monitor the mentally disabled kid. Then, Christopher Walkin comes in, does his Christopher Walkin thing, says nothing of interest to anybody, and leaves (lucky guy).

So, basically, the audience is stuck for over an hour with nobody but Gigli, Ricki and Brian. Oh, and did I happen to mention that Ricki is a lesbian and Gigli likes to slap around the mentally disabled kid when he doesn’t like him? So, yeah, we’re meant to believe there exists some sexual tension between Jay-Lo and Affleck. The problem here lies not only in the performances, but also in Brest’s script. Gigli is just so unlikable and Affleck over-plays him to the point of mere idiotic caricature. Ricki has been given so many pre-packaged, oh-so-perfectly delivered monologues, we have no reason to believe such a person would ever get into this line of work. We have even less reason to believe she would fall for this guy.

Many stupid situations come up in the meantime. Ricki’s former lover shows up wondering why Ricki has shacked up with Gigli. Of course, since this product comes from Hollywood, this lesbian character is an obsessive stalker who slits her wrists right there in the apartment without giving it a second thought. Gigli and Ricki drive her to the hospital and we never see her again. The mobster also orders Gigli to cut off Brian’s thumb (again, don’t ask). They then have to mail the severed thumb to Al Pacino’s character, but I’ll get to that in a moment. So, Gigli and Ricki make a plan to cut the thumb off a corpse instead since they now kinda like the kid.

By now, you have no doubt read about Jay-Lo’s jaw-dropping sexual advances toward Affleck. She has finally succumbed to his biological need for sex. She spreads her legs and actually says the words, in this order: “It’s turkey time. Gobble-gobble,” the verbal equivalent to the nude hot-tub scene between John Travolta and Lily Tomlin in 1978’s “Moment By Moment.” A montage ensues that goes on longer than “Meet Joe Black—The Director’s Cut” and finally culminates in Affleck resting in Jay-Lo’s arms. His line: “God bless you, penis.” There is a reason why—a stupid reason, mind you—he says this, but I prefer not to get into it. Oh, okay, fine, he learns this phrase from Brian. Yes, the mentally disabled kid. I can’t make this up.

But that’s not even the half of it really. The last half hour of this movie reaches a level of sublime bad-ness that at one point I actually enjoyed myself. Al Pacino shows up for his big scene. Brest, in case you forgot, directed one of my favorite Pacino movies, “Scent of a Woman,” a great film for which Pacino won an Oscar for sometimes going slightly over the top, but in a way I found endearing. Here, he just goes over over the top. It’s as though he showed up on the set, looked around and said, “Hey, as long as you’re making a terrible movie, mind if I suck too?” And he did, but in a great way. I guess you could say I felt happy to have him wake me out of the coma into which this movie slapped me, but I wish he would have aimed that gun a little to his right and loaded a few more rounds.

Then the movie just goes on and on and on and on. Seriously, it ends about twelve times. I’m pretty sure after the Al Pacino scene came and went, the audience knew they had walked in on something they shouldn’t have. Sure, they should have known it earlier (way, way, waaaaaay earlier), but they just didn’t know better. They saw the names on the poster, they saw the loving looks in the eyes of the two leads on the poster and thought, “Looks cute. Let’s go.” I picture after this weekend many Jay-Lo CDs being set on fire and thrown into dumpsters across the country.

But the question remains: Does “Gigli” earn its legendary status? Until the movie’s last half-hour I would have said ‘not quite.’ It’s bad all over, yes, but where the movie ends up and how we’re meant to feel once it ends up there is the stuff of bad movie legend. As I said before, it achieves a level of bad-ness that you just can’t believe a human being could write with a straight face. True, I have seen worse films this year. “Bringing Down The House” is a worse film than “Gigli.” “Bad Boys II” is a worse film than “Gigli,” but you have to remember that I described “Bad Boys II” as what it must feel like to be anally gang-raped by a movie. Draw your own conclusions.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=8023&reviewer=233
originally posted: 08/03/03 01:48:04
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User Comments

9/10/15 Michael Bagamery I want few things more than to make this “movie” not exist. Why no zero-star rating???? 1 stars
4/25/15 David Hollingsworth Makes Showgirls looks like On The Waterfront 1 stars
11/18/11 Ursula Turpin Al Pacino way worse than in JACK&JILL; otherwise this is better than cracked down to be. 3 stars
1/07/10 julie this movie is like a giant turd 1 stars
10/17/09 Liberty Man Nothing great but fun to watch. Sure beats the hell out of Eyes Wide Shut!!! 3 stars
5/27/09 19thpersonality with a start like this, no wonder justin bartha is where he is 1 stars
4/10/08 Duke of Omnium Too bad even to be "so bad that it's good". Something to offend (or worse, bore) everybody. 1 stars
9/14/07 JM Synth Massively ill conceived on every level; has a certain morbid curiosity value 2 stars
8/26/07 Kevin Bad rap not as bad as they say 4 stars
1/22/07 Alex DeLarge This movie was about as enjoyable as sticking ones genitals in a bee hive 1 stars
10/14/06 Barry J-L0 is still hot as hell - tell me u all would not do her!! 5 stars
9/22/06 Charles Tatum Horrible, I couldn't make it past twenty minutes 1 stars
8/14/06 Sharon its was okay untill ben came on screen!!! 1 stars
8/10/06 Ryan_A Not the WORST thing ever, but far from good. Bartha makes me wanna punch him. Lots. 1 stars
6/16/06 Annie IT sux sux boring and not really a point to me! 2 stars
5/20/06 Synchoa A horrid nasty movie that deserves a hiding 1 stars
4/25/06 lily donville this movie is offensive,perverted and it was horrible 1 stars
1/04/06 Anthony Feor Jenninfer's acting career just went down the drain 1 stars
12/17/05 Sean D Manos may be worst. Gigli is most hateful. Avoid like the plague 1 stars
12/13/05 alvin AL PACINO IS IN IT (UN4TUNATELY FOR LIKE 2 MINS), MAKIN IT ABIT BETTER BUT STILL ITS CRAPPP 1 stars
12/07/05 T. Maj Mr. Affleck, please consider a career change. Burger King's hiring. 1 stars
10/19/05 Douglas Reese One of 2003's best films! Put a smile to my face and Bartha is extraordinarily terrific!!! 5 stars
9/19/05 Jonathon Holmes at least Micheal Bay didn't direct this rancid dogshit of a film 1 stars
8/18/05 ES it's pronounced 'Jiggly' and it was meh <shrugs shoulders> 3 stars
7/28/05 Daveman Not as unwatchable as the critics would have you belief but still idiotic and pointless. 1 stars
7/20/05 Chris Horrible, and the ending is the worst part of it! It had to last 20 minutes!? 1 stars
7/14/05 Brandy Harrington Another terrible Ben Assfleck movie. 1 stars
5/30/05 Nedim Do NOT waste your time 1 stars
5/25/05 Jake Complete shit, pure and simple. 1 stars
5/25/05 The shizz wow 1 stars
5/21/05 HL sucks 1 stars
5/13/05 Jennifer Regan Bad, bad, bad - don't bother! 1 stars
5/06/05 Colleen Goldrick Not a great one but cute 3 stars
5/05/05 Cindy Lovell Absolute Crap...I will never get that time back 1 stars
3/14/05 Jeff Anderson Disposable, but 2 things redeem it. Lopez's sexy performance & her amazingly good dialogue! 2 stars
3/12/05 craig varney not as bad as most say 3 stars
2/18/05 Margot Copeland I can't believe I watched the whole thing! 1 stars
2/05/05 Susan Chamberlain I didn't even finish watching it!!!!!!!!!!!!1 1 stars
1/31/05 New Jersey Rules what a fuckin' pile of flaming dog shit. Smelly cunt-ass FUCK. 1 stars
12/27/04 mjoc This may be the worst thing I have ever tried to watch. What a waste of time and money 1 stars
12/26/04 Louie Brilliant. Great story and acting. The heck with the critics. 4 stars
12/23/04 Jason Kaul J-Lo describing why she is lesbian, was hotter than Carrie Fisher in the brass bra! WOW! 4 stars
12/12/04 Lucas Stensland The score alone ruins this film 1 stars
12/05/04 Kristina Williams ha! 1 stars
11/27/04 gerbilerba I blow farts more interesting than this gagathon 1 stars
11/18/04 Chris Belldo even if i was a dimwitted giggly teenage girl, i'd still want to take a crap on this movie 1 stars
10/20/04 SJK Ben Affleck must be trying to tank his career. 1 stars
10/15/04 Pete What were they thinking.... 1 stars
9/26/04 Tor Honolulu A year after THEY broke up, this is surprisingly enjoybable and not to be missed...really 4 stars
9/08/04 Bob It was OK. There have been a lot worse films released in the past. 3 stars
8/30/04 Tam Sad dialogue & slow pace. Why can't they portray any loyal lesbians these days? 1 stars
8/06/04 ELI Well, it was better than "Cat in the Hat." 2 stars
8/03/04 The Talking Elbow Pacino and Walken were great, and I was hoping a char from LOTR would show up, like Sauron. 2 stars
7/17/04 Gray even the actors slamed it!!!!! 1 stars
7/15/04 S.F I'll head your advice and never watch this film - EVER! 1 stars
7/09/04 Diesel Will JLo ever get the hint? 1 stars
7/06/04 Spiderfan720 There is a rumor that The President is gonna put this on a nuke if we ever use one again. 1 stars
6/18/04 Ryan any who thinks this is good is demented 1 stars
6/17/04 Spiderfan50 BE DRAINED OF LIFE!!! 1 stars
6/07/04 Reid Cornelius absolutely the best film of the year 5 stars
6/06/04 The More You Know Sucks like lainie kazan's fat azz making that thong string disappear. Get the picture? Uggh 1 stars
5/06/04 Ajax It sucks, but as a lot of people point out, it doesn't suck that bad. 3 stars
4/27/04 4x4 Horrendous? Made Tommy Boy look like Oscar material. Avoid at all costs. 1 stars
4/26/04 Monster W. Kung Not good, but not nearly as bad as some garbage that came out in the last few years. 2 stars
4/17/04 Michael Greenwaldt It's nowhere near as bad as it's made out to be, and not even close to worst of the year! 3 stars
4/05/04 Me Nice azz. Movie blows. Sick of hearing about he love life. 1 stars
3/29/04 Blues Singer Babe it sucked big time it was a bomb at the movie box office Jennifer is a hoar dont see it ! 1 stars
3/23/04 Spastiqua Not very good, but certainly not the years worst! hello! dumb & dumber 2? marci x? 3 stars
3/21/04 Kayla I think its an alright movie..Not one of the best but recommend that anyone sees it. 4 stars
3/19/04 da hood a rich, thought provoking film, with a suspenseful, brilliant twist.whoops, wrong movie! 1 stars
3/19/04 Chris Taco flavored kisses for my Beeennnn!! 1 stars
3/08/04 movieguy sucks 1 stars
2/29/04 Kelly Rogers utterly horrid excuse of a film 1 stars
2/27/04 greg this movie is the biggest piece of sh** i have ever seen 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge "gag-me" 1 stars
2/20/04 AJ Certainly Crap 1 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr Killed a piece of my soul 1 stars
2/02/04 yeahboy true definition of YUCK!!!!!!! 1 stars
1/28/04 Dandy Candy This was the worst movie I've ever seen. GALLIPOLLI'S much more interesting 1 stars
1/24/04 CC %^&% 1 stars
1/24/04 Tygra A lobotomy would have been more entertaining 1 stars
1/24/04 M Jlo sux, movie shits 1 stars
1/16/04 jingo p. i'd rather wipe my ass with barbed wire. 1 stars
1/13/04 MelissaNYC Why hath Hollywood smote us so? 1 stars
1/08/04 JJ Jesus died in vain... 1 stars
1/06/04 beautie full of undiluted crap,that bitch cant act to save her plump ass!!! 1 stars
1/03/04 J has sunk to a new Lo like watching an un-funny SNL: A series of unlreated skits meant to promote star product 1 stars
1/02/04 burikak Matt McLoota, did someone hit u in the head????? 1 stars
1/02/04 Matt McLoota This movie is fantastic, Oscar worthy performances all around. One of the ten best movies. 5 stars
12/29/03 Agent Sands Well, I'VE seen it. And it's a gangster flick a la Get Shorty, assholes! Seriously! 3 stars
12/22/03 M jlo smells, ben stinks! 1 stars
12/08/03 lilcutie so stupid 1 stars
12/02/03 WTF? Rightfully deserves the title of worst movie ever. The critics weren't lying! 1 stars
11/30/03 john oh what fun! 1 stars
11/27/03 he crap 1 stars
11/23/03 ozzy sucks hardcore donkey dick 1 stars
11/12/03 Red crap 1 stars
10/30/03 Priscilla Postlethwaite Better than most reviews indicate; What's this DAY MY BUTT WENT PSYCHO in above picture???? 3 stars
10/24/03 illini bri pathetic! 1 stars
10/22/03 Gigli This film is so bad that it had to be intentional. 1 stars
10/22/03 nr i hated this movie 1 stars
10/16/03 Carmelita Florine oh, oh, I just lurved this movie! 5 stars
10/14/03 snowconehead this is a sure quick way to induce vomitting 1 stars
10/10/03 KooKuKrazeeKitti i feel REALLY bad 4 al pacino and chris walken. they deserve bettr treatment than this shit 1 stars
10/03/03 pudsey it is so shite its unbelievable. ben and JLO r 2 pathetic, overated actors 1 stars
9/22/03 Redpajammas bad bad bad 1 stars
9/21/03 CAT BLUES total crap it fuckin sucked j lo is such a slut 1 stars
9/19/03 Mark86 Lol, ben and j-lo suck ass! 1 stars
9/13/03 Joe This sucked 1 stars
9/06/03 Gigli the one wh made this movie has down's syndorme 1 stars
9/03/03 Serge Rodnunsky I couldn't make a movie this bad if I tried. 1 stars
9/03/03 Dawn Would have been less offensive if cast members just had one giant circle jerk. 1 stars
9/03/03 Vinnie people who liked this movie should have their eyeballs gauged out! 1 stars
9/02/03 robbie keane bad 1 stars
9/01/03 Kitty B. FUCK ANYBODY WHO THINKS THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE OUT THERE 1 stars
8/31/03 Cat B. it sucked 1 stars
8/31/03 Redpajammas thid gilm sucked 1 stars
8/24/03 steven spielberg worst film? have you seen Star Wars? What was Lucas thinking? 1 stars
8/23/03 MiMi Stinkie 1 stars
8/21/03 Mike H. I *have* to give it at least one star?! No fair! 1 stars
8/20/03 Crocface If only it wasn't such bloody nonsense 1 stars
8/20/03 nr crap 1 stars
8/20/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz Not anywhere as bad as the media hype say it is. 4 stars
8/18/03 adam it's turkey time! gobble gobble! ROFLMAO!! 1 stars
8/18/03 h crap 1 stars
8/16/03 punjab complete and total fucking piss 1 stars
8/16/03 MEEE crap 1 stars
8/16/03 Collin Time Ofr The Carears Of Mr. Aflec And Bimbo Extrodinaire J-Lo To Crash And Burn, 1 stars
8/15/03 john atty The end of Ben and Jen 1 stars
8/15/03 JJ from da block JLo's ass is jigli, that's bout all that's gigli bout this crud 1 stars
8/12/03 Joey A pile of dog shit 1 stars
8/12/03 meathole The dump I took this morning had far more symbolism and intrigue 1 stars
8/12/03 snowconehead The best things about empty theaters are the blowjobs. Remember that, kids. 1 stars
8/11/03 hjhj horrible 1 stars
8/09/03 pedro andino shitty movie for 2003 1 stars
8/09/03 not impressed. will j lo be able to restart her career after this 1? 1 stars
8/09/03 Patrick Bateman Absolute shash 1 stars
8/08/03 BAD horrible 1 stars
8/08/03 The main man Holy Crap somebody open the window . That was just foul 1 stars
8/07/03 asina I hope Ben and J. Lo die....Now, what's this about a movie??? 1 stars
8/07/03 Chrys lordis perdifida, we could wish you unborn. but we can only wish. 1 stars
8/07/03 Kasandra M This is the worst film with TWO big asses in it, both being Jennifer Lopez 1 stars
8/07/03 jholler Fame = money = scam the fans 1 stars
8/07/03 Sarah H. I was once a fan of both Ben & J-Lo... Now I'm Not! 1 stars
8/07/03 John Davis A collosal POS 1 stars
8/07/03 Jet Stinks! 1 stars
8/07/03 JJ from da block JLo's jigglin ass was the only thing worth lookin at 1 stars
8/07/03 lordis perdifida i laughed a little, and cried a little. what more can you wish for? 5 stars
8/06/03 Michael M. Worst film ever! 1 stars
8/06/03 Lorenz Esguerra The worst movie of 2003! Ben and Jen shouldn't star together in a movie again. 1 stars
8/06/03 Collin Compared To This Jason X Looks Like A Contender For Best Picture AtThe Oscars 1 stars
8/05/03 Uncle Salty J.Lo is a fucking pig no matter what Entertainment tonight says. 1 stars
8/05/03 Rocky I'd rather watch BenniferJ. Afflo clawing it's way out of a burning car 1 stars
8/05/03 Michael Wilson Can't wait for it to come out on dvd so that I won't buy it there either. 1 stars
8/05/03 Boat Fuck a manatee with a long sharp pole. It's just like watching this movie. 1 stars
8/05/03 WWE HHH-HATE CLUB AL PACHINO AND CHRISTOPHER WALKIN-NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
8/05/03 Peter Good God 1 stars
8/05/03 JJ from da block J.Lo's jigglin ass is the only good thing 2 stars
8/05/03 Reese Witherspoon suckzzzzz Bad, but not as bad as people make it seem. Lara Croft was worse. 2 stars
8/05/03 Jim Holy Horrific Movie Batman! 1 stars
8/04/03 m I snuck into this movie and I still feel ripped off. 1 stars
8/04/03 Kia Ora I've seen better film on teeth. 1 stars
8/04/03 pokesmot I saw this movie stoned and it still sucked 1 stars
8/03/03 Chrys Ben asslick should be fucking terminated 1 stars
8/03/03 Raquchie Macacho It was a loss of my precious time and my money. It was SHITTY that Jennifer played a Lesbo. 1 stars
8/03/03 your worst goddamn nightmare c'mon guys, it wasn't that bad, I onlu ralphed twice... 1 stars
8/03/03 gibbons 5 minutes of material stretched out into two hours never works. 1 stars
8/03/03 Darrin Silverman G should be its grade. An "F" is too high 1 stars
8/03/03 Ash The commercials were so painful I will never go to a theater again!! 1 stars
8/03/03 Stephen P. Robertson This was worse than losing $10.00 in a washing machine at a laundramat! 1 stars
8/03/03 Atanu why did eric snider had to upgrade it to crappy?? 1 stars
8/03/03 Matt I hate Bennifer! 1 stars
8/03/03 Asshat A cinematic masterpiece, the likes of which we haven't seen since "Swept Away". 1 stars
8/02/03 Double G krap 1 stars
8/02/03 monkey slayer SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.....*gasp*...SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT 1 stars
8/02/03 Xaivier SInclaire H-ly Sh-t I want my money back and someone please shoot me, this movie SUCKS 1 stars
8/02/03 BAD aweful 1 stars
8/02/03 Jennifer Botello HORRIBLE! I left the movie confused, annoyed, and aggrevated. I hated it. Dont watch it!!!! 1 stars
8/02/03 Brian It burns! My eyes!!! Ahhhhhh!!! 1 stars
8/02/03 Earl Dittman - Wireless Magazine It's Ben Asslick and Jenny from the Cock...what did you expect, Space Monkeys? Art?? 1 stars
8/02/03 gman this cocksmoking movie lasts about as long as J.Lo's and Affleck's impending marriage... 1 stars
8/02/03 Brian yet another horrble lopez film. it'll make undeserved millions of dollars... 1 stars
8/02/03 Lori Donnelly 2 hours of my life I'll never get back! 1 stars
8/01/03 Gerry Fleck Jlo and Ben Asshack suck my balls....and so did this piece of shit flick 1 stars
8/01/03 Todd J-lo is a not talent, tone deaf, jug butt. Ben is a pussy. The movie? Worse than Hitler. 1 stars
7/30/03 Uncle Salty TemJ-Fleck Blame their fame, I blame the INSURMOUNTABLE AWFULNESS OF THIS STEAMER! 1 stars
7/30/03 Vanessa The most shadowy movies this summer that tries to be something it's not -- a good movie 1 stars
7/29/03 Jason Absolutely terrible 1 stars
7/28/03 dave jlo is hot. this movie is not. 1 stars
7/25/03 Mike Radlif Won tickets for preview. Walked out after about an hour. Not the worst movie, but close. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  01-Aug-2003 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
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Directed by
  Martin Brest

Written by
  Martin Brest

Cast
  Ben Affleck
  Jennifer Lopez
  Al Pacino
  Christopher Walken
  Justin Bartha
  Lenny Venito



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