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Overall Rating
2.29

Awesome: 3.45%
Worth A Look: 27.59%
Average: 9.2%
Pretty Bad: 13.79%
Total Crap45.98%

7 reviews, 45 user ratings


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Under the Tuscan Sun
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by Chris Parry

"Who knew that Oprah's audience is so shallow and easily amused?"
2 stars

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse says, "I'm Sandra Oh, and I just had to play a pregnant lesbian sidekick to Diane Lane in a movie for 42-year-old divorcees." The bartender then shoots himself in the face, having lost the will to live. I know how he feels.

Diane Lane, who is the MILF-of-choice in Hollywood these days, plays Frances; a divorcee who finds herself cheated on by her man, then cheated out of half her home by the same mook, then shunted off by her gay friends to take part in a gay tour of Tuscany. It's Boat Trip for the gals!

So Frances gets to Tuscany, brushes the gay folks within minutes, then spots a property that is for sale, wanders inside, gets pooped on by a bird and duly buys the thing, using every penny she has spare to do so.

Then she hires three Polish guys to renovate the thing. Apparently Poles in Tuscany will work for the fun of it, since this woman claims she's near broke and the home handymen hang around for like half a year. In the process, she makes friends with half the town, humps a guy who talks like a Barbara Cartland lead character, gets life tips from an aging wealthy skank, and generally does bugger all nothing but fall in an out of three minute situations designed to make the weaker of mind go "ohhh, that's beautiful."

"Oh look, a kitten on the beach. I guess I should hold it for a few seconds, let the audience coo, then never speak of it again."

"Hey, there's a gorgeous Italian man with a white suit, his own bar on the beach, and eyes that could pierce diamonds. Perhaps I'll just offer to shag him, since we've been talking for eight minutes."

"I love my Polish repair guys. They've worked for free for so long - hey, let's take pictures and cry about how much we'll miss each other."

What the hell is this crap? Why am I watching an episode of Lifestyles of the Poor yet Seemingly Able to Pay for Home Repairs That Take Three People Six Months to Finish? What is the lesson being learned by the audience here? That running away from your problems, blowing your divorce settlement and making friends with the builders is the secret to a happy life?

Is the secret that every single woman who ever has any involvement in any feature film has to be either a writer, editor or publisher? For fuck's sake, doesn't anyone work in dentistry anymore? Are all the deli workers now male? I could have sworn some females over the age of 30 actually work in insurance, but damned if they aren't all in publishing nowadays! Why? Oh, probably because every woman in the Oprah-watching demographic wants to be a children's author, what do you think?

I swear, I thought Dr Phil was going to come out of an olive grove and yell, "You've got to get over this guy, lady! Take control of your life!"

That this film spent so long on the Top 10 lists is not testimony to its quality. Let's not forget that Radio was on the Top 10 lists for months too, and for the same reason that Under the Tuscan Sun and The Passion of the Christ were: They speak to an easily led demographic that has money to spend and no understanding of what makes up independent thought.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=8160&reviewer=1
originally posted: 03/09/04 11:10:26
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User Comments

7/27/12 vicki swanson i was bitterly let down by it - a lot of hype that didnt deliver 2 stars
12/05/11 Pamela White Great chick flick with depth if only you look for it. 4 stars
4/04/10 RATING REVIEWER, NOT FILM The writer of this review has the wit and writing skills of a soggy shoe. 1 stars
7/18/09 Moose Unadulterated trash 1 stars
6/20/08 PAUL SHORTT THIN, LIGHTWEIGHT AND INSTANTLY DISPOSABLE 1 stars
10/22/07 cecile Perreault Very good movie Look at it 15 TimesCanada 4 stars
9/12/07 wendy absolutely loved the movie 5 stars
10/01/05 Ric Vans What Groenewegen said. Not total crap because Diane Lane is insanely hot. 2 stars
7/26/05 JOHN FLEMING Loved this movie. Predictable but satisfying. Sandra Oh was great. 4 stars
2/07/05 kumar being picture postcard is not a quality for a film, jeff anderson. sheeesh! 1 stars
2/01/05 Jeff Anderson A great looking, picture postcard of a film! DIANE LANE IS ONCE AGAIN A SEXY MARVEL & HOT!! 5 stars
12/01/04 Me Cute movie 4 stars
8/24/04 Juanita fuck under the tuscan sun 1 stars
5/23/04 Butterbean Tuscany looks refreshing. I like watching her renovating the house. Subplots were so-so. 4 stars
3/27/04 John Wayne Judging from the consensus here, it evidently takes much more life lived to laud this. 4 stars
3/26/04 bruce miller chick flick...I dont think so 4 stars
3/22/04 Claudette agree with your review 100% 1 stars
3/17/04 Chris I thought the whole movie was underpar. Lane was Ok but not great, it looked good though. 2 stars
3/16/04 Atanu God awful 1 stars
3/06/04 Jaco Visser Beautiful cinematography and scenery! Strong casting. Nice. 4 stars
3/02/04 Wendranh too long..action doesn't keep up 3 stars
2/25/04 Ben Cloutier Continuity doesn't matter when you have pretty pictures to make the viewers forget about it 1 stars
2/12/04 jj It's an interesting "life after divorce" type movie but nothing more. 3 stars
2/11/04 Marian Moore The worst film I've ever seen 1 stars
1/21/04 Betty White Gorgeous, but also laughless romantic comedy; Lane is appealing, but just not very funny. 2 stars
1/18/04 Deanna The book is a travelogue/cookbook, get it instead. 1 stars
1/09/04 Valerie Cameron Gruckin' foovy! A bitter divorcee buys a house because a pigeon shits on her! 2 stars
1/06/04 Wordfreak Great book, the movie...not about the book! This sucked! 1 stars
12/31/03 The Orca her other movies are better...this was not worth a tenth of the $3 I paid 1 stars
11/08/03 lou Well worth seeing. 4 stars
11/07/03 Cameron Slick Diane Lane and Tuscany are beautiful in this entertaining flick. 4 stars
10/27/03 Watcher of Shitty Movies The fluffiest piece of fluff that ever fluffed. 1 stars
10/27/03 marge Loved the scenery...want to go to Itlay...oddish plot 4 stars
10/26/03 john i love it to the max, wonderful scenery and romance..many uptight witches rating this 5 stars
10/26/03 Daniel Enjoyed the movie especially the scenery 4 stars
10/24/03 AAARRRGGHH Could I please have a towel for the estrogen I am drenched with? 1 stars
10/20/03 John Watching that period would be more entertaining than this. 1 stars
10/17/03 Stephanie McBrayer This movie was so bad! PLEASE read the book - - it's amazing! 1 stars
10/16/03 Popcorn Hunny If you have your period, it's raining outside, and you're bored, then this movie is for you 2 stars
10/13/03 Alice Whooeee it stinks. even braindead chicks should find it intolerable. 1 stars
10/11/03 Chrys It generated some damn good bitchy comments, thats something :) 1 stars
10/07/03 Johnny Hollywood crapfest with artificial situations resulting in everyone happy in the end. 1 stars
10/01/03 lycan nothing to see here folks, move along 1 stars
9/30/03 nutterbuts this movie is on some divine ya-ya pms bullshite, tuscans never liked ugly chicks anyways 1 stars
9/28/03 Kim Dowell An overacted pratfall and melodramatic facial gestures mess. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  26-Sep-2003 (PG-13)
  DVD: 03-Feb-2004

UK
  N/A

Australia
  12-Feb-2004


Directed by
  Audrey Wells

Written by
  Audrey Wells

Cast
  Diane Lane
  Raoul Bova
  Sandra Oh
  Vincent Riotta
  Dan Bucatisnky
  Lindsay Duncan



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