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Overall Rating

Awesome: 8.08%
Worth A Look: 3.03%
Average: 3.03%
Pretty Bad: 13.13%
Total Crap72.73%

3 reviews, 81 user ratings

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House of the Dead
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by Scott Weinberg

"Not one house in the entire movie..."
1 stars

Not one house in the entire movie... There is one walled edifice to speak of, though it's more of a voodoo crypt than an actual house. I guess "Crypt of the Dead" would be a rather redundant title, plus there's the video-game source material of the same name. So the title had to stay. False advertising regarding cinematic real estate aside, this is an abysmal little turkey.

Ha. I kid because there's not much else to do when faced with a horror movie this amazingly bad. And this is coming from someone who devours Bad Horror Movies like they're made out of cookie dough and cocaine. What forced me to drop six American dollars on a film so bad that I couldn't find ONE advance review?

A three hour window before Intolerable Cruelty was to begin, a sickening curiosity that apparently knows no limits, and the small glimmer of hope that House of the Dead could become some sort of Cheeseball Guilty Pleasure Gore Flick.

Needless to say, a nap on a bar stool at Pizzeria Uno would have been a better expenditure of one's time.

Because House of the Dead is certifiably atrocious, a flick so derivative and amateurish and plain old retarded that moviegoers may find themselves stunned to be seeing the title atop multiplex opposed to the bottom shelf of Blockbuster's New Release section. You know, that shelf that offers only ONE copy of the flick at hand.

In an effort to simply break things down for the Horror Freaks (the only conceivable audience for a movie like this), here's the skinny:

Plot: Five morons (three hotties and two horny dudes) charter a creepy fishing boat from guys called Clint and Jurgen in an effort to make it over to the "Island de la Muerta Rave". That House of the Dead assumes horror fans do not know what "Muerta" means is a clear indication of the flick's paltry knowledge of the genre.

Anyway, the seven dummies (and two cops in tow, don't ask) make it to Death Island and guess what? Dead ravers everywhere. Zombies got 'em. Yep. (Prior to these arresting developments come three separate sequences in which we get to see bare female breasts.) Following the discovery of the Dead Ravers we get scene after scene of a rapidly dwindling collection of idiots as they shoot zombies in the chest.

And gunshot wounds to the chest kill these zombies. Call me nuts, but that's like saying "Oh, you can kill vampires with a stick of butter." Gunshot wounds to the chest cannot kill zombies! Bah, I digress - mainly because we're never quite sure if the undead creatures ARE zombies, per se. They're just dead things. Easily killed ones.

The script is comprised of lines like "That looks like it's been there for a millenia!" and "I did it so I could be I could live forever." Topless chicks get peeped upon by slimy Clint Howard...and don't even care. Unintroduced characters wander onto the screen, walk around for a few minutes and then vanish, never to be seen again. Prochnow's character is named Kirk...and he's a sea captain. Insert punchline here.

Kills/Gore: Several kills, distressingly little gore. Matter of fact, this is the sort of horror movie that begins to set up its scares, promises something goopy...and then CUTS AWAY to another scene (full of living and relatively safe characters) as audience members are left to wonder how disgusting the previous victim's death could have been...had they been able to see it.

And chopping the gore out of a low-budget zombie flick is like sucking all the jelly out of a dozen donuts; a pointless and somewhat disgusting act. (An eventual "Unrated DVD Version" is undoubtedly the wish of one bizarrely optimistic studio suit.)

Acting: atrocious across the board. Heck, when you can spot the fact that Clint Howard is giving a bad performance...something's just not right. Jurgen Prochnow earns the enviable title of "most recognizable actor on display" although the well-admired German thespian looks alternately embarassed and sleepy as he wanders through his role of "rascally and soon-to-be-devoured" ship captain.

Of the males in the cast...nothing. Blank generic faces spouting inane dialogue and screaming. The gals are no better, though they're each very pretty. Until they get chewed up by the sweaty semi-dead, that is. Loved the Asian gal dressed in the slinky Stars & Stripes leotard. Between that and the leading lady's fishnet blouse, I estimate a costume budget of about 32 bucks.

The gimmick: those who consider Paul Anderson's Resident Evil some sort of affront to the sensibilities of hardcore videogamers the world over, House of the Dead will supplant their venom. In other words, this is easily the worst "video-game-based" movie yet. And that includes that nightmarishly awful Super Mario Bros abortion.

In an effort to have gamers clapping their hands in supposed glee, director Uwe Boll takes to splicing sections of the video game into the movie's action scenes! As our survivors continue to shotgun-blast their way through the shuffling "zombies", flickers of video game material scatter across the if to remind the viewer that, yes, there is something worse than watching someone else play a video game: it's paying to watch someone else play a video game.

Lastly (because let's face it: this review is already twice as long as House of the Dead's screenplay), the flick is considerably more of an action flick than it is horror. This distinction actually manages to make the film worse, as Mr. Boll has this one inane gimmick that he uses about 14 times throughout the movie. This trick involves Bullet Time Photography (cutting edge about 4 years ago) and a rapidly spinning camera pan. So what you get (about 14 times) is one character who shoots their gun in slow motion as the camera repeatedly circles the shooter while everyone in the theater battles vertigo-induced-vomiting. Used just once, this spin-o-rama slo-mo-bullet schpiel would look ridiculous. Imagine 14.

(Oh, here's something positive: Ona Grauer, who plays Hero Girl, is almost criminally sexy. Thank you, Ms. Grauer, for giving me something sweet to stare at for 90-some otherwise interminable minutes. OK, two things.)

Next up for Mr. Boll and his crew is another video-game flick entitled "Alone in the Dark". Here's hoping that he can use "House of the Dead" as a learning tool. All he'd have to do is study this flick real hard...and then do everything the opposite way. Then he'd make a good movie. Maybe.

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originally posted: 10/11/03 20:42:17
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User Comments

4/24/17 David H. Why, just why? 1 stars
4/27/11 man just kill me now 1 stars
4/20/11 man one of the worst movies ever 1 stars
1/09/10 Josie Cotton is a goddess Has a campy charm to it, but there are better movies you could be watching 2 stars
10/01/07 Elvo The makers of this shi*te should be thrown on an island & savaged by zombies. Total Crap! 1 stars
7/08/07 al smith uwe boll is a retarded and untalented cock.complete and utter shit 1 stars
6/06/07 David Pollastrini pretty awful 1 stars
4/17/07 Stevo UK I'd rather molest a pig than watch this shit again. 1 stars
3/26/07 Monster W. Kung So bad you'll mutter and drool in disbelief. 1 stars
12/12/06 bet win 1 stars
12/01/06 Joe rented and watched it with commentary... horrible.. but hillarious.. Boll really is clueles 1 stars
11/06/06 pet insurance high performance car insurance pet insurance auto insurance comparisons 2 stars
10/30/06 AJ Muller So atrocious I don't know what to say; it should get zero stars. Seeing vomit is cooler. 1 stars
10/07/06 Jeff Horrible movie, but very very funny. half of the zombies aren't even wearing any makeup 4 stars
9/11/06 quot family 4 stars
8/22/06 G Sherfy As a student of film, its a lesson in what NOT to do. Great stuff. 1 stars
7/16/06 CTT How does Uwe Boll continue to work?? 1 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G I laughed for 2 hours. 1 stars
6/25/06 Aaron Yes this movie is crap, but it's fun crap. 3 stars
6/08/06 suX stupidest zombie movie i've ever seen in my whole life...a total failure ! 1 stars
4/12/06 ducka Loved the ten minute music video in the middle of the movie 2 stars
3/02/06 Steven Lewis Really, Really, Really bad zombie film based off popular video game. 1 stars
1/19/06 VMANIC1 Needless use of videogame scenes worsens this flick 2 stars
10/25/05 Suk-R-Punch I watched this film in complete and total disbelief at it's badness. Stunningly awful. 1 stars
7/29/05 E This is a joke, isn't it? 1 stars
7/13/05 C.E. Winner of the Worst Film of the Year 2003 Award 1 stars
7/09/05 Moctezuma One of the most ridiculous movies ever made. 1 stars
6/15/05 R "ed wood predecessors" for 200, alex. 1 stars
4/26/05 E-FUNK Induces brain and eye cancer. Would rather recieve a vasectomy from a squirrel than rewatch 1 stars
2/03/05 Vicious Horrible as a film, but wonderful to mercilessly pick apart. 1 stars
12/03/04 Nari S. Ramzan This film was like Uwe Boll himself came to my house and slapped me. 1 stars
10/15/04 Don Eckert I don't know how garbage like this gets financed! 1 stars
9/06/04 Cambo I didn't believe it had video game clips in it until I saw it. Lazy filmaking at it's worst 1 stars
8/29/04 American Slasher Goddess Give me a break, quit using my name, nobody believes I'm writing those stupid comments. 1 stars
8/24/04 House of the Dead So godawful bad that it's hilarious. Worst movie I've ever seen, and I couln't stop laughin 5 stars
8/15/04 X ! @ # ? Holy shit, this sucks 1 stars
7/29/04 American Slasher Goddess Sorry, didn't write that comment below, someone's been messing around on here. 1 stars
7/11/04 Paul Carone COCK, COCK, COCK, COCK 5 stars
6/20/04 Erane Lee Total CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!!! Want my money back!!! 1 stars
5/09/04 B.J.W ITs the BEst ever i love jonathan cherry 5 stars
4/20/04 Dan CRAP!!!!! 1 stars
4/13/04 he i liked this film I thought it was good 5 stars
4/06/04 Nitrous Oxide System The most unbearable peice of crap i've ever seen...except the frequent breast shots... 1 stars
3/31/04 American Slasher Goddess One of the worst zombie movies ever. 1 stars
3/14/04 bsho I doesn't get much worse than this 1 stars
3/13/04 THE ZOMBIE KING why, goddammit? just, why? 1 stars
3/07/04 Jesus Guerra So we've found the new Ed Wood. 1 stars
3/02/04 justin it sucked because ona did not get topless only the flat chested girls were topless 1 stars
2/28/04 Leviathan THIS MOVIE BLOWS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
2/26/04 Claude Smith One of the worst movies I've seen. Save your money. 1 stars
2/25/04 Ken Deheve This is an okay movie, isn't waht i expected 4 stars
2/17/04 Brian D. Crandall Daytime SEGA rave, Spanish Explorers in the Northwest, so much imagination its painful. 1 stars
2/14/04 Jingo P. Represents everything wrong with Hollywood mentality. Utterly pathetic. 1 stars
2/05/04 let down in life a few times ifirst, my parents divorce, laid off and not seeing Ona topless. 1 stars
2/03/04 Russ Klassen All I can say is if your a fan of really bad horro movies (beyond B), then this is the movi 1 stars
2/03/04 Taylor Loved it, even though zombies aren't that active it was good. And Simon was pretty hot! 5 stars
1/31/04 othree sucker for those tried effects, but what a waste of film, ect 2 stars
1/31/04 adam waldon it was ok but what made it worth watching was seein Ona Grauer in that hot top. 3 stars
1/30/04 chris meadows horrid!!!!!! i waited untill it came out on video, that wasn't even long enough. 1 stars
1/22/04 American Slasher Goddess The worst zombie movie ever. 1 stars
1/21/04 audioaxes OMG it takes skill to make a movie so retarded 1 stars
1/17/04 No one needs to know!!! This was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. Save your money for R.E.A. 1 stars
1/09/04 Crap Schnitzel Insomniacs take note: This shit is ten times more powerful than any sleeping pill. 5 stars
1/03/04 J The game's better 2 stars
12/09/03 Brenton Evans they need more women in it and women with bigger boobsand need to show their hole body nude 1 stars
12/05/03 RAMY ROMIO 5 stars
11/21/03 Jacque Bell I thought it was just so good i'm going to buy it. I recommend seeing it. 5 stars
11/21/03 Paul Anderson A piece of SHIT of biblical magnitude 1 stars
11/19/03 Stephanie Throckmorton Promising start bungles into quintessential blurred rambling generic killer cliches. 2 stars
10/24/03 maxomai If you're even *thinking* of seeing this, see Kill Bill instead. Trust me. 1 stars
10/20/03 Gary Sucked donkey balls 1 stars
10/18/03 Jin im only 14 and yet i know what a good movie is and a bad one...this is a horrible one.... 1 stars
10/15/03 Chris Smith Action was good, the continuity could have been better. 3 stars
10/14/03 Cory Nominee for Worst Movie of the Year,possibly Decade 1 stars
10/13/03 Ralph Bruno Lighting my 8 bucks on fire would have been more entertaining! 1 stars
10/13/03 Alarmed I Saw This 15 minutes of boob shots and too much 'bullet time'. Somebody hunt the filmmakers down!!! 1 stars
10/13/03 Jack the Dagger This movie sucks ass worse movie i seen in years 1 stars
10/12/03 bo Please don't let there be another one. 1 stars
10/11/03 Isengard UTTER SHITE! 1 stars
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  10-Oct-2003 (R)
  DVD: 27-Jan-2004


  08-Apr-2004 (MA)

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