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Overall Rating

Awesome: 8.08%
Worth A Look: 3.03%
Average: 3.03%
Pretty Bad: 13.13%
Total Crap72.73%

3 reviews, 81 user ratings

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House of the Dead
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by EricDSnider

"Pretty bad. But you knew that, didn't you?"
2 stars

"The House of the Dead" is the sort of delightfully bad teen splatter flick that exists without any excuse in the world. It is a rip-off of countless previous slasher films, and of every known zombie movie, but I can't imagine the filmmakers would be surprised or offended if you pointed that out to them.

I think people who make movies like this do so in the same spirit that boys play sandlot baseball: They enjoy seeing the professionals do it, so they try it themselves. A lot of young filmmakers have grown up watching the "Friday the 13th" movies, and George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" and its descendants, and they want to try it themselves. They certainly don't want to invent a whole new game; they're going to use the same balls, bats and bases as their idols. The result is amateurish, and no sane person would spend any money to watch it, but hey, the kids are having fun, right?

"The House of the Dead" is based on a videogame, and as a helpful reminder, the film often splices brief shots of the actual game into its story. That story is as follows: Some teens, horny and stupid the way nature intended, are eager to attend a rave on an island off the coast of Washington. They have missed the boat, though, in the literal sense of that phrase, and must therefore hire the services of a crusty fisherman/smuggler named Capt. Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow), who does NOT appreciate jokes about his name. Kirk has a first mate named Salish who has the misfortune of being played by Clint Howard.

So the boat, padded with four or five teens and pursued by pretty Coast Guard lady Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell), heads to Isla de Muerte, which Kirk and Salish insist on pronouncing "Isla de Morte." They've warned the kids about weird stuff on the island, and be careful, and blah blah blah, but who ever listens to a crusty old fisherman?

Meanwhile, we're shown some of what went on earlier that day. There was a rave, sort of, if raves can be held during the daytime (they can't) and sponsored by Sega (they also can't). In narration, one of the attendees tells us, "I came here for a rave, and now all that remains is the rotten stench of death." So you get the idea that some bad stuff went down.

Turns out there are zombies afoot. We first see them zipping around in the woods. One of them has fingers that look like sausages.

I don't remember much about the original band of teens, except that one of them is an African-American girl, and another one of them is "the biggest underwear model in America" and, by his own admission, not very smart. He is composed primarily of jawbone, as I recall.

Ultimately, of course, it is the teens and the coast guard and whoever else is alive shooting innumerable bullets into huge hordes of zombies. There is a looooong middle sequence of nothing but this; you have to wonder just how many teens were at this rave, getting zombified. It looks to have been the most well-attended rave in history.

It's directed by German filmmaker Uwe Boll, and fairly well shot, actually, by Mathias Neumann. It has fight scenes that aren't bad, too. Someday, a couple of these kids might make the big leagues. You never know.

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originally posted: 10/20/03 13:56:01
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User Comments

4/24/17 David H. Why, just why? 1 stars
4/27/11 man just kill me now 1 stars
4/20/11 man one of the worst movies ever 1 stars
1/09/10 Josie Cotton is a goddess Has a campy charm to it, but there are better movies you could be watching 2 stars
10/01/07 Elvo The makers of this shi*te should be thrown on an island & savaged by zombies. Total Crap! 1 stars
7/08/07 al smith uwe boll is a retarded and untalented cock.complete and utter shit 1 stars
6/06/07 David Pollastrini pretty awful 1 stars
4/17/07 Stevo UK I'd rather molest a pig than watch this shit again. 1 stars
3/26/07 Monster W. Kung So bad you'll mutter and drool in disbelief. 1 stars
12/12/06 bet win 1 stars
12/01/06 Joe rented and watched it with commentary... horrible.. but hillarious.. Boll really is clueles 1 stars
11/06/06 pet insurance high performance car insurance pet insurance auto insurance comparisons 2 stars
10/30/06 AJ Muller So atrocious I don't know what to say; it should get zero stars. Seeing vomit is cooler. 1 stars
10/07/06 Jeff Horrible movie, but very very funny. half of the zombies aren't even wearing any makeup 4 stars
9/11/06 quot family 4 stars
8/22/06 G Sherfy As a student of film, its a lesson in what NOT to do. Great stuff. 1 stars
7/16/06 CTT How does Uwe Boll continue to work?? 1 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G I laughed for 2 hours. 1 stars
6/25/06 Aaron Yes this movie is crap, but it's fun crap. 3 stars
6/08/06 suX stupidest zombie movie i've ever seen in my whole life...a total failure ! 1 stars
4/12/06 ducka Loved the ten minute music video in the middle of the movie 2 stars
3/02/06 Steven Lewis Really, Really, Really bad zombie film based off popular video game. 1 stars
1/19/06 VMANIC1 Needless use of videogame scenes worsens this flick 2 stars
10/25/05 Suk-R-Punch I watched this film in complete and total disbelief at it's badness. Stunningly awful. 1 stars
7/29/05 E This is a joke, isn't it? 1 stars
7/13/05 C.E. Winner of the Worst Film of the Year 2003 Award 1 stars
7/09/05 Moctezuma One of the most ridiculous movies ever made. 1 stars
6/15/05 R "ed wood predecessors" for 200, alex. 1 stars
4/26/05 E-FUNK Induces brain and eye cancer. Would rather recieve a vasectomy from a squirrel than rewatch 1 stars
2/03/05 Vicious Horrible as a film, but wonderful to mercilessly pick apart. 1 stars
12/03/04 Nari S. Ramzan This film was like Uwe Boll himself came to my house and slapped me. 1 stars
10/15/04 Don Eckert I don't know how garbage like this gets financed! 1 stars
9/06/04 Cambo I didn't believe it had video game clips in it until I saw it. Lazy filmaking at it's worst 1 stars
8/29/04 American Slasher Goddess Give me a break, quit using my name, nobody believes I'm writing those stupid comments. 1 stars
8/24/04 House of the Dead So godawful bad that it's hilarious. Worst movie I've ever seen, and I couln't stop laughin 5 stars
8/15/04 X ! @ # ? Holy shit, this sucks 1 stars
7/29/04 American Slasher Goddess Sorry, didn't write that comment below, someone's been messing around on here. 1 stars
7/11/04 Paul Carone COCK, COCK, COCK, COCK 5 stars
6/20/04 Erane Lee Total CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!!! Want my money back!!! 1 stars
5/09/04 B.J.W ITs the BEst ever i love jonathan cherry 5 stars
4/20/04 Dan CRAP!!!!! 1 stars
4/13/04 he i liked this film I thought it was good 5 stars
4/06/04 Nitrous Oxide System The most unbearable peice of crap i've ever seen...except the frequent breast shots... 1 stars
3/31/04 American Slasher Goddess One of the worst zombie movies ever. 1 stars
3/14/04 bsho I doesn't get much worse than this 1 stars
3/13/04 THE ZOMBIE KING why, goddammit? just, why? 1 stars
3/07/04 Jesus Guerra So we've found the new Ed Wood. 1 stars
3/02/04 justin it sucked because ona did not get topless only the flat chested girls were topless 1 stars
2/28/04 Leviathan THIS MOVIE BLOWS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
2/26/04 Claude Smith One of the worst movies I've seen. Save your money. 1 stars
2/25/04 Ken Deheve This is an okay movie, isn't waht i expected 4 stars
2/17/04 Brian D. Crandall Daytime SEGA rave, Spanish Explorers in the Northwest, so much imagination its painful. 1 stars
2/14/04 Jingo P. Represents everything wrong with Hollywood mentality. Utterly pathetic. 1 stars
2/05/04 let down in life a few times ifirst, my parents divorce, laid off and not seeing Ona topless. 1 stars
2/03/04 Russ Klassen All I can say is if your a fan of really bad horro movies (beyond B), then this is the movi 1 stars
2/03/04 Taylor Loved it, even though zombies aren't that active it was good. And Simon was pretty hot! 5 stars
1/31/04 othree sucker for those tried effects, but what a waste of film, ect 2 stars
1/31/04 adam waldon it was ok but what made it worth watching was seein Ona Grauer in that hot top. 3 stars
1/30/04 chris meadows horrid!!!!!! i waited untill it came out on video, that wasn't even long enough. 1 stars
1/22/04 American Slasher Goddess The worst zombie movie ever. 1 stars
1/21/04 audioaxes OMG it takes skill to make a movie so retarded 1 stars
1/17/04 No one needs to know!!! This was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. Save your money for R.E.A. 1 stars
1/09/04 Crap Schnitzel Insomniacs take note: This shit is ten times more powerful than any sleeping pill. 5 stars
1/03/04 J The game's better 2 stars
12/09/03 Brenton Evans they need more women in it and women with bigger boobsand need to show their hole body nude 1 stars
12/05/03 RAMY ROMIO 5 stars
11/21/03 Jacque Bell I thought it was just so good i'm going to buy it. I recommend seeing it. 5 stars
11/21/03 Paul Anderson A piece of SHIT of biblical magnitude 1 stars
11/19/03 Stephanie Throckmorton Promising start bungles into quintessential blurred rambling generic killer cliches. 2 stars
10/24/03 maxomai If you're even *thinking* of seeing this, see Kill Bill instead. Trust me. 1 stars
10/20/03 Gary Sucked donkey balls 1 stars
10/18/03 Jin im only 14 and yet i know what a good movie is and a bad one...this is a horrible one.... 1 stars
10/15/03 Chris Smith Action was good, the continuity could have been better. 3 stars
10/14/03 Cory Nominee for Worst Movie of the Year,possibly Decade 1 stars
10/13/03 Ralph Bruno Lighting my 8 bucks on fire would have been more entertaining! 1 stars
10/13/03 Alarmed I Saw This 15 minutes of boob shots and too much 'bullet time'. Somebody hunt the filmmakers down!!! 1 stars
10/13/03 Jack the Dagger This movie sucks ass worse movie i seen in years 1 stars
10/12/03 bo Please don't let there be another one. 1 stars
10/11/03 Isengard UTTER SHITE! 1 stars
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  10-Oct-2003 (R)
  DVD: 27-Jan-2004


  08-Apr-2004 (MA)

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