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Overall Rating
1.53

Awesome: 4.24%
Worth A Look: 4.85%
Average: 6.06%
Pretty Bad: 9.7%
Total Crap75.15%

8 reviews, 117 user ratings


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Cat in the Hat, The
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by Scott Weinberg

"This movie that sucks will make lots of bucks. There, I rhymed."
1 stars

Movies are made by professional filmmakers. Actors, producers, directors, screenwriters, etc. All of these people have seen a LOT more movies than has the average person. One could even say they're "experts" where motion pictures are concerned. And I guarantee that not ONE of the people affiliated with this particular movie could ever look you in the eye, with a straight face, and say "Yes, I think The Cat in the Hat is a good film." Nobody who knows anything about filmmaking could praise this vile stinkhole.

You'll watch with a sneer and a throb in your head. You'll watch and you'll sit there and wish you were dead.

What's the only reason The Cat in the Hat won't be mentioned in the same breath as Rollerball, Heaven's Gate and Battlefield Earth?

Because it will be very profitable.

The list of assaults made on the medium of comedic or kid-centric cinema are absolutely endless, which says a lot considering The Cat in the Hat only 70-some minutes long. (Only in the movie industry can the masses be so obviously shortchanged and still line up like lemmings; seems unfair to charge moviegoers full price for something so truncated. The kids down the hall are getting 3+ hours of The Lord of the Rings for the same price.)

My mind simply reels at the depths to which some producers will sink to ensure a surefire payday. To try and define a "plot structure" would be a resoundingly undue compliment to the half-dozen script doctors who cobbled this lumbering husk into being, but here's the meat...

Two kids are left alone. A magical cat shows up, wrecks their house and then cleans up before Mom gets home. There's a talking fish, a sleeping babysitter, a smarmy neighbor and a few other mind-splittingly stupid additions...but really, who cares? People will line up to the cineplex trough because Hey, "The Cat in the Hat!" I know that book! Let's take the kids right now because the Burger King Happy Meals told us to!

This is a lifeless, pointless, plotless, stunningly obnoxious, casually racist and blatantly wretched excuse for a movie. It should be remembered and studied by film students as an example of what they should spend their careers trying to avoid.

Several critics more kind-hearted than myself have taken pains to point out the wildly colorful and bizarre production design found in this hateful abortion of a flick. Bah, production design in an of itself is hardly impressive. If a producer knows he has no script, no story, no jokes, no nothing (except, of course, for a very well known book title to exploit) then he spends big bucks on a Tim Burton-style production design. Big woop. The art directors may be better served by hitting the indie circuit and helping a few good movies get made.

As far as comedian Mike Myers, I'm just speechless. Rare is the mugging this incessant and irretrievably desperate. His presence here is completely and wholly...wrong. His painfully familiar vaudeville routine permeates every charmless scene, his belabored chuckles punctuate every failed punchline. His performance is a lazy and instantly detestable combination of The Cowardly Lion, Linda Richman and the Mike Myers who opts to drop his accent on a whim and just speaks normally. I'd berate his performance for being laden with decidedly "grown-up" material...but nobody's gonna listen to what I have to say.

Moviegoers love this crap, so why blame the filmmakers? The actors are there to earn their salaries, so they're relatively blame-free...if perhaps in need of a little more common sense. No, the person we can thank most is producer Brian Grazer...simply because his last foray into Seuss-dom (The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, of course) yielded huge profits for all involved. MORE Seuss movies were needed! Forget the fact that the Doctor's original "Cat" was a virtually plotless affair that was simply content to sing the praises of a child's overactive imagination. Nowhere in this source material could you ever find something this uniquely ugly.

No, Mr. Grazer had to churn this one out (instead of maybe investing the budget into a half-dozen other movies) and degrade your childhood recollections of a clever little book until they were overwhelmed by this deplorable adaptation and its omnipresent marketing campaign. Used to be that "The Cat in the Hat" brought to mind visions of charming illustrations and bizarrely catchy little rhymes. Now all I get is Mike Myers, fart jokes, garish visuals and a throbbing migraine. Thanks for draining me of a few sweet memories.

You could rent three movies a night for the next 10 years and not come across one as crass and insulting as this one. It's a dungheap of monumental proportions, a posthumus slap in the face to a beloved author, and not much more than an 78-minute advertisement for Ford Motors and Universal Studios. Laughless, charmless, entirely without merit (except if you work for Universal, that is) and easily one of the worst movies of the past ten years, "The Cat in the Hat" is absolutely nothing more than a nauseating confluence of commerce, clamor and crap.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=8346&reviewer=128
originally posted: 11/24/03 15:11:17
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User Comments

8/11/14 Mario is the Best Awesome!! One of the best movies I've ever seen! Not joking. 5 stars
8/07/14 mtbydeu USA 4 stars
7/17/14 jrhlhp USA 2 stars
5/24/14 dprvxxw USA 4 stars
3/11/14 Dalen the Crusader Alvin and the Chipmunks is better than this, AND I HATE THAT MOVIE TOO! 1 stars
2/01/14 Xwdlhqjz The signature bank mark connected why this hasn't been handled after i called in the day be 4 stars
10/14/13 Twilight Sparkle THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE! 1 stars
4/24/13 nathaniel multiple adult jokes 1 stars
4/23/12 Noah Eckenrode Total Fucking Shit! 1 stars
9/05/11 Lizzie This film was so bad, the other film, Shark Tale, laughed at its ass! 1 stars
8/25/11 TWD You're not just wrong, you're stupid! 5 stars
8/05/11 max you inner child will be violated,HARD and WITHOU MERCY 1 stars
2/04/11 Danni cat in the hate is purely amazing. 5 stars
4/15/10 Tim C Appalling, just appalling. Seriously, "S.H.I.T." as an acronym for the Cat's car? Painful. 1 stars
5/30/09 Muse They should of kept it as a book...Purely discusting. 1 stars
12/04/08 Rac Ew. This was SUPPOSSED to be a KIDS movie. Cursing, sex jokes! What were they thinking? 1 stars
11/01/08 Shaun Wallner This movie was stupid! 1 stars
9/15/08 Ashley the movie should not be for children. 2 stars
7/02/08 jointz Hey Souter, we get it, you hate MJ! Now why not focus on your actual film review? 1 stars
5/15/08 PAUL SHORTT POORLY MADE MOVIE FOR CHILDREN, FULL OF CRASS, BODILY-FUNCTION HUMOUR AND BAD ONE-LINERS 1 stars
6/11/07 Sugarfoot A bad idea made into a a very bad movie. 1 stars
5/20/07 Faye Good Lord, this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. 1 stars
4/04/07 David Pollastrini Stick with the book! 2 stars
2/16/07 Vip Ebriega Cat has a some screws loose, but makes good fun for kiddies. 3 stars
11/30/06 Stanley Thai Although not appropriate to kids, this is an insanley funny film. 4 stars
10/01/06 Ryan_A Day-glo hell. Geisel is spinning. 1 stars
9/20/06 SkyBabey12 Okie EXCUSE ME? ! Cat In The Hat is a great movie ! i am 19 years old and Enjoy'd this movi 1 stars
7/19/06 Joanie bad as Battlefield 1 stars
7/11/06 David Cohen I am only glad Dr. Suess did not live to see this 1 stars
5/06/06 Cuenzie Wunzie N-n-n-not as crappy as you think . worth while 4 stars
12/28/05 Jeff Anderson Pure tripe, joyless, annoying & Myers goes WAY overboard. A disaster of all disasters!!!!!! 1 stars
12/10/05 The Grinch Mike Myers phones it in. Not THAT bad, but pretty unnecessary 3 stars
10/20/05 PAG Terrible kids movie. Unwatchable. 1 stars
7/19/05 Brandy Harrington No no no no no no no no no no no no non no no no no no no no no no no. 1 stars
5/25/05 Jake It's So bad that's it's fun to watch. 2 stars
5/24/05 peter worst ever EVER arrch 1 stars
5/18/05 Cindy Lovell at least my son liked it 3 stars
5/15/05 Graeme I thought this movie was pretty funny; Alec Baldwin was a humourous villain. 3 stars
4/23/05 Heather Tarlecky I thought it was worth seeing 4 stars
4/15/05 craig varney smells like a soiled cat box 1 stars
4/05/05 kalamazoo Dr. Suess is turning in his grave. 1 stars
3/28/05 Zelemont WOW. ridiculously awful movie.... 1 stars
3/24/05 Holly Dawson very ho-hum. took forever to end! 2 stars
3/24/05 Colleen Goldrick cute for the kiddies 3 stars
3/23/05 Sharon Sharen not a adult movie to any degree, kid didnt like either 1 stars
3/16/05 tatum Myers made me laugh just enough 3 stars
3/10/05 Steph wierd... 3 stars
2/23/05 Colleen Goldrick Kids will love it, adults oh well 3 stars
2/05/05 Susan Chamberlain It was worth watching to know not to watch it again 2 stars
1/30/05 MARION BURGESS WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS FILM? 2 stars
1/29/05 terri shaw Austin Powers in a cat suit, yuck!! To much induendo for a kids movie and to lame for adul 1 stars
1/16/05 Jeff Anderson THE ABSOLUTE PITS!!! I can't express my outright disgust for this film enough. D.O.A. 1 stars
12/12/04 AlbieOne Torture,,,,,pure Torture. 1 stars
11/17/04 psycho black dwarf Myers' voice is Linda Richmond meets Charles Nelson Riley w/ hairballs...blech! 1 stars
9/21/04 Zee this film was amazing 5 stars
8/23/04 Bruce Lamb very depressing 1 stars
8/06/04 ELI Jeeeeeeeeez. I didn't know a movie could suck THAT bad 1 stars
7/22/04 Moblar Review kicks ass, movie sucks balls. 1 stars
7/20/04 Valerie White What a dissapointment! 1 stars
7/20/04 N. Christopher Bell It offends me that his dialogue was written to sound "Jewish". What, didn't ebonics work? 1 stars
7/06/04 Spiderfan720 Man, the funniest thing they could come up with was "almost cuss". NO HUMOR HERE!!! 1 stars
7/06/04 tyger,tyger how many ways can a movie suck, this has'em all 1 stars
7/06/04 Talonsoft This could be the worst movie ever made 1 stars
5/31/04 Troy Kuprash Laughed Hard At Times, Other Times I Cried 3 stars
5/17/04 jayden dr suess is a fucken asshole and a dickhead 1 stars
5/17/04 intelligent single woman Shame on you Mike Myers and Kelly Preston---totally vile and fucking retarded! 1 stars
5/01/04 susan lee book ruled, dr seuss probably turning in grave 1 stars
4/27/04 4x4 Wife walked out after 20 min. 8 year old begged to leave after 30. Ruined a good nap. 1 stars
4/24/04 Terry H Inane, lascivious and completely unnecessary! Mike butchered this one. 1 stars
4/18/04 American Slasher Goddess Even worse then I imagined. 1 stars
4/15/04 Jeff MacIver Pathetic. Even worse than the excremental Grinch remake. 1 stars
4/14/04 barry mcmullen my little brother asked me to explain rather rude jokes my other brother was laughing at 1 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 even my 3 year old was offended just really really bad 1 stars
4/08/04 i strongly dislike the cat in the hat fuck u producers! wat kind of fucking assholes r u, goddamn it? 1 stars
4/08/04 el yo sharta The book was better! No sharting again! what is wrong with hollywood? 2 stars
3/28/04 emily excellent best film i have seen,its realy funny and percy! 5 stars
3/27/04 Brian Horn Kids loved it. Not sure they get the dialogue, but the antics & effects keep them watching 4 stars
3/22/04 David Bakker Very funny for Canadians who get real humour. 5 stars
3/08/04 movieguy a great film for kids 5 stars
3/07/04 fug i want my 75 mins of life back 1 stars
3/05/04 matthew all involved in this junk should burn in hell 1 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge Disturbing. 1 stars
1/18/04 matt n fliss a pile of festering poo 1 stars
1/14/04 Blythe Guvenen Yuck! The money used making this movie could have been put towards breast cancer research! 1 stars
1/13/04 MelissaNYC Only parents who truly hate their children take them to watch this shit feast. 1 stars
12/31/03 throwup181 Sucks dick 1 stars
12/27/03 Edler Mike Myers sucks major ass. His career is ober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
12/26/03 Vanilla Ice People need to quit doggin' me so much and focus their anger on this piece of crap... 1 stars
12/21/03 Jennifer Jones totally inappropriate for any child; Not even close to the book 1 stars
12/14/03 movieman This movie is bullshit. Bullshit. BULLSHIT! 1 stars
12/10/03 i dislike the cat in the hat i think they should have sat 2 stars
12/09/03 Dana Carvey I can't fucking believe it! Someone finally made a worse film than my Master of Disguise! 1 stars
12/06/03 Bob Cratchet This films sucks ass. Please don't bother paying to see it. DO NOT take small children!!! 1 stars
12/05/03 Jacque Disgusting....sexual overtones...creepy 1 stars
12/03/03 paul williams Worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life..........run away! Shame on you hollywood 1 stars
12/02/03 (anonymous) yuck! this movie was beyond awful 1 stars
12/02/03 Chris I was so disappointed. Families run away. The sets though were cool but see The Grinch. 2 stars
12/02/03 kawaii50 There was a bit to much Austin Powers coming out of that cat! 3 stars
12/02/03 Matt Norris It's supposed to be campy and over the top. That's what makes it funny 4 stars
12/01/03 Mark A disgusting abomination! 1 stars
12/01/03 critic jim carry would have been much better 1 stars
11/30/03 john an insult to the audience 1 stars
11/29/03 Jack the Dagger worst movie ever 1 stars
11/28/03 Mike A testament to the breakdown of modern civilization. 1 stars
11/28/03 Donald Hyperactive does not mean "funny". Chaotic and boring. 1 stars
11/27/03 Chance Terrible. They should be ashamed. No more Suess movies 1 stars
11/27/03 Lord Jiggy haven't seen the movie, but Collin's review rocked! 1 stars
11/27/03 Dave Where will you be when your laxative kicks in... 1 stars
11/27/03 me a bad film 1 stars
11/25/03 Eric S. Who shat in the hat? 1 stars
11/25/03 KingNeutron Wow, ScottW - stop holding back, tell us what you REALLY think! ;-) 1 stars
11/25/03 Alfred Richard I have known DETERGENTS that have left a better film than this piece of cowflop. 1 stars
11/25/03 the lol man mike Myers should hang, period. 1 stars
11/24/03 Rose Kaleski Not ment for children 1 stars
11/23/03 horndog and you thought the Grinch was as bad as it could get.....fool!! 1 stars
11/22/03 Jack the Dagger worst movie I have seen all year. Embarassing..Mike Myers should hang his head in shame 1 stars
11/22/03 Brian wow, i was actually expecting something good... 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  21-Nov-2003 (PG)
  DVD: 16-Mar-2004

UK
  N/A

Australia
  01-Apr-2004


Directed by
  Bo Welch

Written by
  Alec Berg
  Jeff Schaffer
  Dave Mandel

Cast
  Mike Myers
  Spencer Breslin
  Dakota Fanning
  Alec Baldwin
  Kelly Preston
  Sean Hayes



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