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Overall Rating
1.83

Awesome: 2.67%
Worth A Look: 12%
Average: 4%
Pretty Bad: 28%
Total Crap53.33%

7 reviews, 33 user ratings



Torque
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by Jason Whyte

"'I fall asleep a quart a mile at a time...'"
1 stars

The following is a (mock, very fictional) production diary of the new January movie "Torque." I just didn't feel like writing a stock review for my utter disgust with this motion picture, so I thought you might enjoy a little bit of my kind of comedy.

January, 2002. A meeting at the Warner production offices. "A Walk To Remember" just broke out at the whopping #3 on the box office charts, and the studio is in an uproar. "Go see the #1 terminal illness movie of the weekend!" started showing up on the newspaper ads. Everyone at the meeting is in a joyous mood. Bottles of chilled Dasani for everyone! The purpose of this meeting is to discuss future January movies on the Warner schedule. Another Mandy Moore project is being thrown around. An Owen Wilson vechile is also being rumoured. And something about a talking kangaroo. But as everyone sits down to start the meeting, there's a copy of "The Fast and the Furious" DVD sitting on everyone's space. The chairman begins. "Folks, we have a hit January movie for next year! I just know it! You know how huge this "Fast and Furious" movie is? Well, we're going to take all of the charm, the comedy, the excitement and the RUSH and break a movie out of the gates twelve months from now. The only difference is instead of cars, we got bikes!" "Great," one of the members exclaims, "Where's the script?" Everyone in the board meeting starts laughing out loud. As well as the one who asked the question.

April, 2002: After three months of fighting over a title, "Torque" is finally agreed upon. Previous rumored titles were "Fast Bikez", "Cool Bikez", "Hey, You! Get Off Of My Bike!" and finally "Cars Suck!" (which makes a cameo apperance in the opening scene). Casting begins a week later, and the producers decide they need an all-around, regular joe to play the lead. Martin Henderson comes in to audition. "So, Martin, any chance you could read your lines like you're imitating Kurt Russell from 'Tango & Cash'?" The hero of the film is cast. Next, they need the girl. Blonde. Long blonde hair. Won't complain about wearing push-up bras. Is into guy things like fixing bikes and getting dirt on herself but still looking good. "Can we get Kate Bosworth?" Too expensive, they say. "How about Michelle Rodrieguz?" Too good for the part, they say. Looking through 8x10's, they spot someone who has "40 Days and 40 Nights" and "The Learning Curve" on her resume. "How about this girl named Monet Mazur? I'm sure she'll work for a pay cut." And finally, Ice Cube is quickly cast to get out of his contract with Warner.

June, 2002: Filming begins in the Eastern California desert. Today they're filming a scene where a motorcycle has to fly up a ramp made out of a broken sign and jump onto a train to have a chase. Someone on the crew asks why this is being done. "Well," one of the producers retorts, "The train is coming right into the middle of the chase, and the chase must go on!" "But why not just wait for the train to pass?" the crewman asks. "But that's not exciting!" is the producer's response. Accepting this, he then asks why the ramp is even there in the first place. "Well, it's just like Ebert's review of "My Neighbor Totoro" when he commented on a bottle at the bottom of a river; 'No point is made, none needs to be made." (Editor's note: Okay, I admit, I made that last part up.)

July, 2002: Filming continues into cheaply built sets, including roadside clubs and bathrooms designed right out of a Michael Bay movie, for all of the "talky" scenes. Dialogue was written pretty much on the spot, detailing the Martin Henderson guy trying to get away from the cops who are after him, and the Monet Mazur character has been in and out of love with him. And in comes Ice Cube with his posse of dudes who thinks that Henderson killed one of his right-hand men, all the meanwhile some snooty FBI agents are hot on the tail. "There's even a nod to "The Fast and the Furious", the movie we're boldly ripping off, where we make fun of one of the lines. Because we're like SO better than their stupid car movie."

August, 2002: The last stage of production, a motorcycle chase through the streets of LA. A semblance of shots and scripting are thrown together for this sequence, where Martin Henderson's character is still fleeing from the FBI and is mixed up with his blondie girlfriend who appears to be able to take anything, and Ice Cube is still chasin' behind. All of the action takes us downtown with buses, cars, and motorcycles all crashing together. Suddenly, director Joseph Kahn's cell phone goes off. He answers quickly: "Hit K-Dirt with Pay Dirt...wuz up, G? Yo, just doin' this blowin' up stuff, ready when you are...wait, what? Noooo!" and hangs up. Turns out that they're shooting some "Italian Job" remake at the same time, and they don't have the permission to shoot down here unless the script is scrapped, a bigger cast is hired and there's more studio money. Realizing they're chasing the January Movie Dream, Kahn screams in anger. His phone rings again, and he looks at it, yells "shut up!" and throws it off a bridge. A crew member approaches. "You know, Joseph, we could just CG the whole chase. No one will notice! Oh, and here's another cell phone."

November, 2002: And Kahn listened. A mish-mash of bullet time effects and CG drawn motorbikes are used, as well as heavyset digital editing that makes the camera appear to be going inside motorbikes, out of the back of the character's head, through a fire truck, through another motorcyclist's head, through the tire, down onto the street and back up into the air. "The color CG fire elements don't even match the color of the real explosions we filmed," the director quips, "But you're so caught up in the moment that you won't even notice." He continues onto another topic: "There's another bit where a truck spins off a ramp and we CG'ed the entire flipping of the car. Sadly we couldn't match the real stuff we filmed, which basically had the truck in an upside down position flying at a 90-degree angle, but again, you gotta suspend your disbelief, right?"

December, 2002: Final sound mixes and editing are being done for the premiere next month. "Okay," Kahn begins to the editor, "Time to get to work. I want you to use the 17 different angles of everything that I shot and use it in every scene. I need those swooping helicopters flying down on Martin and Monet as they talk about their motorcycling, along with fast cutting between their faces. I need this fast, fast, fast. People who see these movies need VERY fast, it holds their attention. Oh, and instead of cold-cutting or fading to the next sequence, it's cool to put in some of the Hot New Soundtrack on or WOOSH a motorcycle by. People like that stuff. As for the sound, well, you know when you stick your head inside a car engine and then the driver revves the engine REALLY, REALLY loud? You know, just like that." The editor says nothing.

January, 2003: Much to their surprise, "Biker Boyz" opens this month and Warner is scared that people will confuse two biker movies at the same time, and thusly puts it on the shelf. "Dudes", one of the producers quips, "We're so gonna rock January of 2004! Anyone up for some "Kangaroo Jack?"

January, 2004: "Torque" is released. Advance screenings are sparsely filled with ticket holders who are here to get out of the rain and snow, and the premiere was rather quiet. Some of the cast are interviewed before the premiere and all they can muster up was "Yeah, it was fun making this movie." And the critics didn't care for it, either. "Absolute garbage!", efilmcritic.com's Jason Whyte screams. "A complete waste of action, stiff, awkward acting and pyrotechnics. Not even stupid people will like it! If someone walks up to you with a free pass for this movie, take it to the box office, get your tickets, and sneak into Lord of the Rings. Seen it already? SEE IT AGAIN!"

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=8475&reviewer=350
originally posted: 01/16/04 16:32:44
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User Comments

8/15/08 Shaun Wallner Boring not worth it! 1 stars
4/04/07 David Pollastrini Not Ice Cube's best work 2 stars
5/12/06 mr.seraph "pretty" movie... but bad story... bad acting... it may look nice... but its a poor movie 2 stars
6/30/05 fiokiee edward minty its ok but the ideal of helopter bikea t the end its speep was too much and the act of the 4 stars
12/30/04 Dan wtf did I just watch? 1 stars
8/10/04 tatum Dumb, but with watchable cast 2 stars
8/06/04 Samurai Z NOT BAD MATE!!! packed with action goodies 4 stars
7/21/04 Ben Krake Torque is the most crapiest movie i have ever seen especially when van deisal's line was us 1 stars
6/21/04 DAVID ANDERSON A LIVE ACTION CARTOON 1 stars
3/31/04 Alex This movie is awesome. It is fast, action packed and so much fun. 5 stars
3/23/04 ILLEGALLY BLONDE Saw it with friends. Couldn't torque 'em out of it. Picks up a little interest toward end. 3 stars
3/16/04 Graeme Cowie This is the biggest load of bollocks I have seen ever! 1 stars
2/12/04 too-much-coffee-man what exactly about the ads alone doesn't scream, "Avoid this!"? 1 stars
2/08/04 MelissaNYC Movies like Torque were made for MaRIa - loud and dumb. 1 stars
2/05/04 Tabularas This Film sucks! There are lazy impossible stunts and no logic in it. Spare your money!!!! 1 stars
1/27/04 Chloe Brody Pieces of horse shit is more entertaining than this 1 stars
1/26/04 MaRIa i reckon it was maaaad worth ur money ppl dont woryy bout the other gyes saying it was gayi 5 stars
1/26/04 JEN I loved this movie i thought it was very cool 4 stars
1/23/04 Jestyr i went expecting a bad movie...and i still thought i got ripped off. 1 stars
1/21/04 Betty White Not as bad as you'd think. Breathtaking action scenes almost make up for the lousy script. 3 stars
1/20/04 Shaun stupid and obnoxious 1 stars
1/20/04 Todd I feel like I've been gang raped by everyone involved in this movie. 1 stars
1/19/04 Stephen Spielborg Even I could make a better movie. 1 stars
1/18/04 Chango Not as bad as Attack of the Clones, but not all that great. Winter popcorn flick. 3 stars
1/18/04 MetallicA Does the producer of XXX and the fast and the furious mean anything? 1 stars
1/18/04 Shawn stupid, extremely fake, save your $$$ 1 stars
1/18/04 Brian ugh... 1 stars
1/17/04 Idiot DON'T WRIST YOUR MONEY 1 stars
1/17/04 Nikolai You just don't get it. It's not an emotion it's a word. The screener is hiding WMDs 1 stars
1/17/04 J This movie is retarded! No Star is deserved 1 stars
1/15/04 Joe Blow Horrible digital effects due to apparent lack of qualified stunt people. Typical garbage. 1 stars
1/14/04 DAVID GREEN DON'T WAIST YOUR MONEY ON THIS MOVIE! 1 stars
1/12/04 Stu Looks bloody shitful - wouldn't bother wasting my time. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  16-Jan-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 18-May-2004

UK
  N/A

Australia
  22-Jan-2004




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