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Overall Rating
2.81

Awesome: 29.69%
Worth A Look: 10.94%
Average: 6.25%
Pretty Bad: 17.19%
Total Crap35.94%

3 reviews, 46 user ratings


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Bodyguard, The
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by Slyder

"Here, Have Some Cheese, Rat: The Costner/Kasdan Decadence Part 1"
1 stars

Lets see now, Kevin Costner was The Man, coming towards 1992, he was in such great films like Bull Durnham, Field Of Dreams and, his finest film to date: Dances With Wolves. Then his rep got tarnished by a shit movie, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, but bounced back with the excellent Oliver Stone flick JFK, but never fully regained his momentum, and this movie proves it. Lawrence Kasdan, was The Writer, responsible of writing some great classics like Body Heat, The Big Chill, The Accidental Tourist, and Grand Canyon, then this movie came. Everyone thought it was going to be a great movie, but it was such a hunk of shit, that it fucked up both Costner’s and Kasdan’s careers very badly (they would be fucked up for good in Wyatt Earp, but that’s a whole other story). A by-the-numbers thriller that mostly doesn’t generate any thrills, this film contains more cheese that can make you nauseatic, and a no-talent bitch called Whitney Houston. Man, thank God Steve McQueen never accepted this role back then.

The film is about this Bodyguard-for-hire called Frank Farmer (Costner), who always has lamented not being there when President Ronald Reagan got attempted back in 1981. He gets assigned to protect a hard-ass singer called Rachel Marron (Houston), who’s being receiving threats from a stalker, and then sparks fly. First Farmer resists Rachel’s antics, then falls for her, then they break off for STUPID, STUPID reasons, and again they’re at odds with each other. Oh, and then a former buddy of Frank, Greg Portman (Tomas Arana) visits him while Farmer being on duty many times. The main thing with the movie is to find out who the stalker is, before the Academy Awards celebration, since Rachel has been nominated for Best Actress (how ironic, ain’t it?) and stop him before she kills Rachel.

Honestly, if you managed to sit though this abominable shithole of a movie, you’ll wish that she’d got fucking killed instead.

First of all, the plot is predictable as hell. If you’re not a complete retard, you will find out who the stalker is by the end of the first hour of the movie. There’s no suspense during the entire movie, and you’ll be spending most of the time amused or annoyed by the acting of the two leads and the lack of intelligence of the script. The action sequences are stupid, retarded, and dumb. The opening sequence of Frank shouting “Get Down!” just makes you want to bust out in giggles. The scene where Frank chases that Black 4x4 into the residency has got to be one of the most stupid sequences ever. With the speed that Frank can run and being able to match the speed of the 4x4, the guy should’ve been an athlete rather than a bodyguard for fuck’s sake, and I ask myself: what the hell was he going to do? Was he going to jump into the roof of the 4x4, get in it (I can’t see how, at that speed), and take the guy out, or was he trying to commit suicide by throwing himself in front of the SUV? Farmer’s antics are ridiculous most of the time, from his laughable way of protecting Houston in a concert, to his predictable seduction scene (you know they’re going to fall in love, but FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WHY?), to him beating the shit out of some guy just for the hell of it, or should I say, because he refuses to accept the fact the he loves her.

The script contains more plot holes than Swiss cheese, and speaking of cheese, the action scenes are SOOOOOOOO cheesy, that you’ll just want to chuckle every time Frank tries to do something. For example, Frank likes to fly; he flies when he’s trying to chase the 4x4 SUV, and when he “rescues” the kid from the boat (you know that’s going to happen, and furthermore know what’s going to happen next), and flies out of the window in pursuit of our stalker. The guy should’ve been a pilot instead.

The chemistry between the two leads is non-existent, and furthermore I think of both Rachel and Frank as chalk and chalkboard, the longer the chalk scratches the more annoying and shittier you cringe. Kevin Costner delivers his second of four consecutive wooden performances (8 in total), and in this one, you can tell he has no emotion, even for a bodyguard, who’s supposedly a fearsome looking guy, but Costner looks like a blank piece of paper, the guy is cardboard, and for the look of it, his talent has all of a sudden left him for good. This was the movie that threw Costner into the B-Movie status, and of course, that’s the consequence of him and his “I’m so great you can kiss my ass” attitude, which thanks to that has fucked him over the years. But the one who stinks the show the most is no one else but Whitney Houston

BUUUUUAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I just laugh thinking about that no-talent bitch, furthermore that in this movie she’s supposed to play herself, and fails to achieve shit, which makes even more laughable. She’s completely awful in the movie, and is as blank as Kevin Costner, even more; she just recites her lines with no emotion and behaves like a wise-ass bitch all the time. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either, cause she’s fucking talent less. Whitney, along with Mariah Carey and Celine Dion, has to be the most overrated singers ever. In short, their songs are crap, their singing ranges between annoying and “cover-your-ears-able,” and are just nothing else but talent less Tits and Ass. I have to turn off the radio every time I hear that piece of shit song “I Will Always Love You,” which is nothing but 4 and half minutes of endless brain-damaging screams (A typical trademark of all the songs from all three “singers”). AND THAT FUCKING CATTLE EXCREMENT WON A DAMN GRAMMY???!!! Jesus, I can’t even bear the thought of that.

But Lawrence Kasdan, gosh man, I can't believe that he wrote this turd. Whatever happened to his ability to write? Looks like his sense of creativity was already tiresome since he would go on and write and direct the even crappier fuckfest Wyatt Earp, and soon disappear for more than 5 years. Director Mick Jackson just tries to do his best with this shitty script, even though he doesn’t have the ability to push his actors into actually act and furthermore, doesn’t even know how to build an effective atmosphere of suspense. As the final scenes and end credits roll, you’d wish that they would’ve killed Rachel, or that they would’ve killed you. Kasdan should’ve revamped the script with the great writing skills he has, or leave it to rot in the shelf. Costner should’ve done more baseball movies, or take a break from Hollywood and choose more carefully his roles. Houston should’ve rather filmed a concert, at least that would’ve been original.

In the end, if you like cheesy love stories with cheesy action, crappy acting, and Whitney Houston, I guess this film is for you. But if I were you, I rather watch In The Line of Fire, which an even better film than this piece of horseshit will ever be. The Costner/Kasdan decadence was now in full swing with this film, and would start a painful chain of shit films to come. Kasdan intelligently paused to reflex about his career, but Costner didn’t. He should have, and all this mess would’ve been avoided.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=851&reviewer=235
originally posted: 02/25/02 15:46:06
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User Comments

3/14/10 PAUL SHORTT OVERBLOWN AND PREDICTABLE 2 stars
9/29/08 Mike Loved it! 5 stars
8/07/08 Shaun Wallner boring! couldnt watch the whole thing. 1 stars
11/09/07 PIesie This is one of my best movies 4 stars
2/18/07 Sugarfoot A terrible movie, but hilarious. (I mean look at Costner's hair!) 1 stars
3/08/06 Mahua this is an amazing movie for people who are romantic at heart 5 stars
2/16/06 jakko i agree wit desperado DIS FILM ROX!!!!! 5 stars
1/22/06 Anthony Feor I heard Mariah Carry is making a movie......NOT 1 stars
7/30/05 CndnGirl Ok, I give this rating even though I'm totally NUTS for Kevin Costner! 1 stars
7/06/05 Pinkline Jones Laughable Paper Mache Macho Poop 1 stars
5/26/05 Mary This was one of the best movies I've ever seen. 5 stars
12/27/04 Zahra(Farimah ) I love it so much ,I see it every night,I love Kevin 5 stars
7/29/04 rms I love this movie, as good as Pretty Woman. Kevin & Whitney are hot together. 5 stars
4/01/04 john first rate entertainment - nothing particularly new here but very solid film 4 stars
12/31/03 mercie i love costner and the movie is a blast,the critics can go to hell 5 stars
10/13/03 Desperado Whoever wrote this piece of shit review i the one who should burn in hell, good movie 5 stars
10/13/03 marquis the movie is the best whitney should have won an oscar! i hpe the make a bodyguard 2 5 stars
8/26/03 Sarah Firestone The Bodyguard is my FAVORITE movie ever and Whitney Houston is the GREASTEST SINGER EVER!! 5 stars
8/06/03 sam i think this movie is great 5 stars
5/28/03 alex i love this movie[bullshit to all those fuckers who thinks its crap ] 5 stars
1/22/03 Pinkline Jones Whoever likes this needs to Get out a little more. Junk. 1 stars
1/08/03 GILLIAN KELSEY It is the best film i have ever seen. i have the soundtrack, video and dvd. 5 stars
11/15/02 DIANNA SMITH I LOVE THIS MOVIE, GREAT MOVE TO ME 4 stars
7/12/02 KMG PERFECT MATCH: SPOILED BIATCH WHITNEY AND EGO PRICK KEVIN! HORRAY! 2 stars
5/17/02 tosh it was a scary film 5 stars
4/26/02 Charles Tatum I loathe all involved. A terrible film 1 stars
4/11/02 vladimir its a cool movie and i like it 5 stars
3/17/02 FlaFan Good acting, but bad writing. 3 stars
2/26/02 smmboo I loved this movie. It is one of my favorites. Whenever I get a chance, I watch it again. 5 stars
2/20/02 Bertha Venation Old-movie type kiss at the end was good, all else was crap 2 stars
12/19/01 Thomas Great movie! No wonder it grossed 410 million worldwide at the box office! 5 stars
12/04/01 Shams Huque Nice soundtrack. The movie? Well... 3 stars
9/09/01 Butterbean I only watch this movie to laugh at Houston's acting. She improved in Waiting to Exhale 2 stars
7/04/01 TLsmooth How in the fuck did Lawrence Kasdan get talked into this shitball? 2 stars
5/21/01 Monster W. Kung Sad excuse for soundtrack. If you like the song, buy the CD, and STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!!!! 1 stars
4/25/01 Emma Scott This film was one of the best films i've ever seen! The acting is superb! 5 stars
3/19/01 Elinor Goater I thought that it was a real feel good film but the plot could have been strengthened. 4 stars
12/04/00 Cristopher Revilla not bad, sadly, Costner is still going down, Whitney sucks at acting 3 stars
9/16/00 Jed %uck you @$$wipes! This is Costners best movie. 4 stars
1/06/00 Thinker Pretty Good Movie 4 stars
10/31/99 NAHLA IT IS A VERY GOOD MOVIE 5 stars
7/11/99 Daria Perfectly romantic movie, but Costner still sucks. 4 stars
6/14/99 Dylan FUCKING CRAP!!! 1 stars
3/18/99 Madcap he shoulda let her die before she sang that godawful song... 1 stars
9/27/98 katherine it was ok. my friends obsessed though. 3 stars
9/06/98 Kid Pee-Pee Lovey-dovey star-vehicle crap. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  25-Nov-1992 (R)
  DVD: 01-Feb-2005

UK
  N/A

Australia
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Directed by
  Mick Jackson

Written by
  Lawrence Kasdan

Cast
  Kevin Costner
  Whitney Houston
  Gary Kemp
  Bill Cobbs
  Ralph Waite
  Tomas Arana



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