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Go back several decades and one of Japan’s most beloved heroes was the blind samurai. From 1962 to 1989, Zatoichi was walking the land doing battle and avenging new acquaintances. 15 years later and the two most praise-worthy genre pieces in the U.S. are the silly Caucasians who like to play with samurai swords (Kill Bill & The Last Samurai). Zatoichi had history on its side and a blood-lovin’ director at its helm and if the opening scene doesn’t give even the most hardcore fans pause then their hero certainly isn’t the only one who’s blind.

The film is almost comically overplotted to the point of actually being plotless. Zatoichi (Beat Takeshi) is a masseur who like the great gunslingers inspires the occasional challenge from some ne’er-do-well who thinks he can best him. His latest David Banner-like stop involves a crime boss, his new ronin-for-hire with a sick wife, an unlucky gambler and a pair of conning-geisha sisters out for revenge who have one penis too many.

Having only seen a few chapters of the series on DVD, I can’t imagine fans latching their loyalty onto Kitano’s updating. What once was a storyline filled with honor, friendship and solid ass-kicking is now filled with sporadic action, unbelievably horrendous attempts at broad humor (save for one mis-choreographed human Whac-a-Mole moment) and musical interludes straight out of Stomp that was more cleverly used in Dancer in the Dark. Ask yourself why you’re walking out of a martial arts film on a five-minute Japanese Jig.

When you can’t do that, your mind will shift back to the action sequences, few-and-far between they are, and you will refocus your anger. Did squibs suddenly become incredibly expensive? Did someone forget to bring them? How do you allow your project to piss off the Gods of Action Cinema by using nothing but CGI on your swordplay? Every slash, swipe and stab is proceeded by splashes of red computer pixels so poorly rendered and conceived that you may consider the fake splooge in virtual porn DVDs more realistic.

One shouldn’t have to check their watch 25 minutes into a no-nonsense samurai time-waster, let alone check it an hour later to discover you’re only 30 minutes in. By the time the finale comes around, I was ready to pack it up and leave, until I realized there were four more finales, each increasingly coming so far out of left field they’re in the visitor’s park. Not to mention adding a late-inning twist that will have fans rolling then turning away their eyes before Kitano, with all the grace of Johnny from Airplane, says “just kidding.”

Zatoichi spills a lot of blood once you can get past a fat, screaming samurai-in-training, meandering revenge subplots and ten-minute geisha dances with flashbacks. And that’s hardly the chocolate you want with your peanut butter. Frustration turned into disgust as I watched the film before I began to think about the top two answers on the board of what most constitutes a movie walk-out. (1) excessive violence and (2) boredom. It’s the only 1-2 punch Kitano successfully connects with in Zatoichi. Lucky for him I’m not the sort who walks out of movies. Not so lucky for me.

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originally posted: 01/18/04 15:23:50
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