Worth A Look: 8.37%
Pretty Bad: 17.99%
Total Crap: 58.16%
11 reviews, 173 user ratings
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! This is how I felt thanks to the fucking hype. All ripped off and raped off, why? Because I believed in the hype, a kick-ass lizard, a "great movie," the little lizards, FUCK!!! And then, BOOM!!! There goes my 14 bucks down the tubes for a totally fucked up piece of shit. Can anyone explain for my fucking mistake???The ONLY good thing that I liked about it was the main idea of the story, which is from all those French nuclear testing has affected many animalsí lives, especially reptiles. One of the reptiles mutated due to the radiation and it became Godzilla. Thatís the only high point there, since the theory is highly possible. The main ideas are the only high points of any other Devlin/Emmerich film. It all goes downhill from there.
"...OOOHH PLEASE FORGIVE ME, LORD, PLEASE, FOR BUYING THIS CRAP, PLEASE!!!"
The rest of the plot falls apart after shit starts to happen. Dr. Nick Tatopolous (Mathew Broderick) is all of a sudden, called by the army to investigate the already mentioned species that's screwing up parts of the Pacific. They do eventually but itís too late and the lizard is in New York now. They go and quarantine the city so it can't get out and start hunting the lizard. There the old love of Nick, Audrey (Maria Pitillo) is there as an aspiring reporter, trying to make it. The French, in command of Philippe Roache (Jean Reno) are also trying to stop the lizard, but secretly.
FUCK man, that was hard work and a lot of brain cells burned just to write that fucking plot. Now, as I said the idea is great but the shit starts to happen with:
1. How the fuck did the Lizard made it from the Polynesian Islands to New York. The Polynesian Islands are on the Pacific for Christ sake and New York is in the Atlantic. Shouldn't it be terrorizing San Francisco? Fuck, these guys probably failed geography.
2. The lizard itself. The special effects are bullshit here, it rains a lot, but thatís to hide the effects, and its always bleak. The monster lizard shows up and I'm supposed to be in awe for the gigantic lizard... I laughed so hard at what I saw. Man you have to be a total jackass if you didn't realize that it was some fuckhead in a lizard costume. It doesn't even look like a goddamn lizard for Christ sake. At least the baby lizards DID look like lizards, but not this one.
3. Size does matter. If somebody ever mentions that fucking tagline again regarding this, I'm going to waste him. How big is Godzilla? Sometimes it looks as big as any fucking skyscraper around, and then it shrinks to almost the double of a size of the subway tunnel. What kind of bullshit is that? Is Godzilla supposed to shrink and then get big again? The Park Avenue Tunnel scene is the most stupid of them all in this topic. Sure it can tear through subway tunnels, and buildings, then why the hell doesn't he do the same here? And if he's capable of doing such shit, you think he would be easily tangled in the fucking Brooklyn Bridge?
4. Action Scenes. Though most of them were pretty cool, some action scenes looked way to rigged and dire. And when the Apache choppers start chasing Godzilla, the chase looks cool, but the background looks more like a fucking painting out of who the hell knows. Then the next scene where Godzilla starts chasing the chopper, instead of running away, why doesn't he pull up? Godzilla can't reach him at high altitude, and if two Sidewinders can really blow the top off the Chrysler building, well, that must be the stupidest thing I've seen in my life, since the charge that the Sidewinder has doesn't have enough power to do that, unless it were a Maverick.
5. Special Effects. Like I said before, the FX is bullshit, but the way they screwed it up with the lizard, even screws up the other part of the film that contains special effects. The little lizards look as fake as hell, the taxicab chase; you could easily notice the computer-generated taxicab. The explosions were as idiotic as if those rockets or bombs didn't have any explosive charge. It was laughable in many ways, for so fucked up are the FX that I would have fired the damn FX guy and his fucking crew for coming up with some video game-like bullshit, instead of some realistic stuff. Furthermore, this entire shit also shows us -in the words of a commentator in IMDB- that ďjust because you can get your hands on some supersonic PC's and the latest version of Lightwave doesn't mean that you're going to make the best thing since sliced bread." Damn right my friend, thatís a lesson to be learned.
6. The script was more stupid than ever. It was dumb, totally, with big plot holes and lame one-liners that make you want to take out those four screenwriters onto the street and have them shot.
7. The cast. I just wonder what the fuck was Mathew Broderick thinking when he signed up for this role, and he does his best to cope with crappy lines and do the best of it. So does Jean Reno, he's such a fine actor, that he deserved a better script. Maria Pitillo was just plain awful, her way of acting just wanted me to bitchslap her right in the moment. The rest of the cast is also there for waste, nothing to comment there.
8. Dean, Roland, don't even try doing a sequel, if for once you two could do something good, then please don't do a fucking sequel. It will save you a lot of embarrassment.
9. If you even think that I'm spoiling the movie for you, WELL FUCK YOU!!! Just shut the hell up, read, and choke on it since I'm doing you a big favor. Seriously.
10. Got nothing else to say. GOTCHA MOTHERFUCKER!!! Now suffer, live through it, since I saved you a hell of a lot of more pain than you would have ever imagined. Believe me.In the end, just stay away from this shit, because itís not worth it. Roland, Dean, your moviemaking ideas are great, but your story making and plot twisting is almost pure shit. You better start working on how to do a better story and a better plot, because if you don't you'll end up sweeping the floors of the studio before you know it. For Christ sake grow up!!! (0.5-5)
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=9&reviewer=235
originally posted: 04/22/01 14:43:13