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Overall Rating
1.81

Awesome: 9.52%
Worth A Look: 2.38%
Average: 14.29%
Pretty Bad: 7.14%
Total Crap66.67%

3 reviews, 24 user ratings


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Johnson Family Vacation
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by Chris Parry

"There's not even half a movie here. Every bit as bad as Master of Disguise."
1 stars

Unconscionable. This mess, this waste of celluloid, this hackneyed, incompetent, careless, listless piece of doody that has been passed of as comedy doesn't deserve to share the same trashcan space as The Whole Ten Yards. Instead, this movie deserves to be kept on a shelf in the foulest, stinkiest, hottest corner of hell, where it can be used to punish war criminals, reality TV producers and lawyers for all eternity, for only people such as they deserve to be subjected to a movie such as this.

Nate Johnson (Cedric the Entertainer) is a Bryant Gumble-like dad with a family in tatters. His son (L'il Bow Wow) wants to be a rapper, his daughter is surgically attached to a cellphone, his youngest daughter is clumsy, and his wife (Vanessa Williams) lives in another house and hasn't given him poon tang in months. So of course the natural antidote to this is to take a road trip to the annual family reunion so they can win the trophy for 'Best Family'... uh huh.

But before they leave, Nate takes the car in to get checked out, which ends up pimped out because the goofy mechanic confuses it with someone else's. Now Nate has to go on his road trip in an SUV with ghetto hydraulics making him jump all over the road.

From there you can pretty much skip forward to a scene in which Bow Wow wants to go pee but his dad won't let him because he shouldn't have drunk so much [product placement here] before he left the house. So Bow Wow takes a pee in his soda cup, which of course Nate goes to drink. Thankfully, he doesn't pull an Austin Powers and quaff the whole thing - instead he tosses it out the window, right into the face of a cop. Cop arrests the family and puts them all in jail (all in the same jail cell at that, even the six-year-old), but they're released when Mom does the cop's taxes. I never would have guessed that throwing urine in a cop's face could be forgiven by doing his taxes, but that's the simplistic nature of this film, which is written with all the comedic skill of George W. Bush.

Scenes are set up so clumsily that you could stop each one after only three lines and accurately predict where it will go from there. When the family must leave their car with Nate's insane mechanic uncle, you'd have to be retarded not to know that it'll come back to them in pieces. When Nate says he's not stopping for a toilet break, you'd have to be touched in the head not to know that someone is going to pee. And when the little kid asks for her [product placement here] breakfast cereal in the back seat of the car and Nate tells her to be careful because he has to take the car back after the trip is over, I would have bet every cent I have, and every dollar I'll ever make for the rest of my life that - WHOOPS! - she's going to spill it all.

The shame here is that Cedric the Entertainer is a funny guy. When left to be naturally funny in the Barbershop films, he's genuinely comedic to the point of being solely responsible for the success of those movies. But here, with this lackluster waffle being passed off as comedy, I dare say that the combined talents of Bill Murray, Steve Martin, early Eddie Murphy, Sam Kinison, Howard Stern, Chris Rock and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog couldn't have extracted a snicker out of these lines.

There's just no excuse for it. It costs so much money to make a movie, and takes so long to go through the process of 'quality control', that there are maybe nine hundred different stages where someone could have said, "you know what? This is horseshit," and pulled the plug on the whole thing. There would have been any number of places where someone who KNOWS how to critically appraise a screenplay could have said, "Look, this just isn't anywhere near funny, nor is the story anywhere near interesting." They could have. They should have.

But obviously none of the people involved in this film care one way or another about quality, nor about the audience, nor wabout their own futures. Beccause any studio executive that gives any one tof the people involved with the making of this film money to make another ought to be fired for gross incompetence - on the spot.

I could crap a screenplay like this out in three days - but I wouldn't dare intentionally do such a thing. Why? Beacuse unlike director Christopher Erskin or writers Todd and Richey Jones, I have standards.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=9199&reviewer=1
originally posted: 06/10/04 07:53:29
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User Comments

8/05/14 puzczt USA 3 stars
11/21/08 Shaun Wallner Very Boring! 1 stars
11/01/07 Total Crap This movie broke my VCR 1 stars
4/01/06 Tanya awful, rent must have been due 2 stars
3/03/05 jeff rental material 3 stars
1/28/05 Jack Scallops Good fun for a Saturday night. 3 stars
11/11/04 matt the best 5 stars
8/26/04 Greg Probert Good movie 4 stars
7/03/04 Ashley Corpening Seems a blander version of many another road trip and/or family reunion film. 3 stars
5/25/04 Gertrude Weak jokes Bad story line 2 stars
5/20/04 Pink Crap!!! 1 stars
5/11/04 victoria Double great movie 5 stars
5/06/04 phro it was alright 3 stars
4/28/04 Jam7pi Some funny moments, but way too much "filler." A "C" list rental movie at best. 3 stars
4/24/04 pure crap sadly, that is 2 hours i will never be able to get back!!! 1 stars
4/23/04 TANEISH LAMOUNT THE MOVIE WAS DA BOMB I DON'T KNOW WAHT THE HEAK YALL TALKING ABOUT 5 stars
4/23/04 Mia Renaldo that was a good movie! LOL!!!!!!!!!!! NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE!!!! 1 stars
4/20/04 Domonique Garner I love it I really do think that Bow Wow is bangin the movie was funny ass hell 5 stars
4/20/04 homie this movie was pitiful. I'm scarred for life 1 stars
4/17/04 Robin Thankfully, we got our money back halfway into the movie. It was a waste of time and money. 1 stars
4/15/04 thatONEgirl Um...wait to see it on DVD 2 stars
4/11/04 Wildcarde1 i new it was gonna be bad but no i had to go see it anyway, i may never be the same 1 stars
4/11/04 Holy Crap Was It BAD This film makes Cedric's cancelled FOX TVshow look like GOLD! 1 stars
4/10/04 Cat Smith I'm AA and this film is retarded. My family reunions are nothing like this. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  07-Apr-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 10-Aug-2004

UK
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