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Overall Rating
2.09

Awesome: 27.27%
Worth A Look: 0%
Average: 0%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap72.73%

1 review, 5 user ratings


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Marronnier
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by Brian McKay

"Possibly the single most horrible train wreck of a film I've ever seen"
1 stars

One of the festival midnight films this year was MARRONNIER, a Japanese horror film that looked like it had some very creepy looking dolls in it. Since last year's midnight offerings included such excellent picks as SO CLOSE and CABIN FEVER, I figured it might be worth the gamble. Boy, did I lose.

And I don't mean "Lost a hundred bucks at the roulette table" lose. I mean "wonder how you're going to avoid getting fired and sent to prison because you just gambled away $150K worth of corporate funds" lose.

The most accurate way I can think of to describe this cinematic abortion (and I don't toss that one out lightly, folks), is that it looks (and sounds) like a J-pop music video cross bred with an ultra low-budget slasher flick, and that it was acted, filmed, and edited by Japanese teenagers on crack. One minute, attractive Japanese teens are gaily strolling about town, going on dates or shopping and engaging in girl talk. The next they're getting garotted, sledgehammered, mutlialted, tortured, forced to eat bugs, and turned into human dolls. Or . . . something. Jesus Christ, I'm so high right now I can't even follow this thing myself, much less explain it to you.

Really. It's that bad. I see a lot of movies. I try to give reviews that are as fair and honest as possible. Sure, I may let my rating of a film slip up or down a star if there's some intangible quality about it that impresses or annoys me. No critic is completely impartial, but I try to call them as I see them.

So you need to take me seriously when I say that this is, if not the worst film I've ever seen, then at least in the top 5 list of my all time worst movie watching experiences. I have seen better acting, writing, production values, editing, and overall quality in films that were made for a local Mormon church short films festival. I would gladly watch a double feature of Swept Away and Coyote Ugly, two of my most reviled films, than sit through another five minutes of this ever again. This movie is the There's a Caterpillar in my Bok Choy of Asian horror cinema (hey, one ultra-obscure crapfest deserves to be referenced with another).

And here's how you know it's really bad. I find Japanese girls adorable, and this movie is chock full of them, AND IT'S STILL COMPLETELY UNWATCHABLE!

I don't know how this puppy made it into any festival that wasn't taking place in the gynmasium of a Japanese High School. I suppose if you were high enough, in that magical zone where you'll laugh at any old goofy shit that passes in front of your eyeballs, then you might be able to find a certain camp value somewhere in this mess. I, unfortunately, was not.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=9286&reviewer=258
originally posted: 04/25/04 17:39:15
[printer] printer-friendly format  
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2004 San Francisco Film Festival. For more in the 2004 San Francisco Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

9/24/07 Daniel Still worth-watching for me.... 5 stars
7/27/05 Jonathan Warner A refreshingly original Otaku and manga inspired film that transcends its low budget. 5 stars
6/07/04 steve dude of course its supposed to be bad.... jeez..... if u like bad movies go see it. 5 stars
4/27/04 Daniel Bennison this will be about as big as Nathan Whites penis 1 stars
4/26/04 stenobabe MANY walked out. Don't waste your time. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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